Kirkby Christian Fellowship
Date: March 04, 2007 03:37AM
I am really pleased for those who have found Christian fellowship again. I have two reasons why I have not resumed worshipping in a church yet. I hope one day I will be able to feel able to feel comfortable in a worship service.
Since leaving KCF I could count on one hand the number of times I have attended a worship service...I have never felt at home....I rarely pick up my bible....I do pray (but not long, elaborate prayers, more life arrow prayers, sometimes tears, sometimes no words just thoughts heavenwards). I work on a Sunday which does make a "useful" reason for not attending worship...but it is a cover really. If I wanted to, I could attend an evening service somewhere local; I have made the choice to not do so.
I have lost all contact, save with one very close friend, with "friends" from my Christian background. I lost contact because I broke ties with churches that were abusive, groups whose beliefs I could no longer hold to. I sometimes, if I'm honest, wonder what all those years of church were about...which was most of my life until I left Kirkby, the last fellowship I was a member of. It is a trust issue with me, well partly that, but it is also the difficult position of listening say to a bible reading or a sermon and not being able to blank out the previous teachings I have had iyswim. I can hear and remember the teaching from the charasmatic/fundamentalist churches (of which there were two, including Kirkby) and can't get past that!
I do go on at length...sorry if it isn't very clear to readers of this forum. I always thought I would return to church quickly....I remember the words I used when I gave up a leadership role I held in a women's organization...I said "I am a worshipper at heart, and I will no doubt be back worshipping soon"...and I suppose those words are true in one context...I do still worship but not in a corporate church setting. I have returned to a very basic faith, recognizing the love and the grace of God present in my life and in the lives of others....but haven't made that leap into another church. As I feel now...wild horses wouldn't get me back into a church permanently. If I could retrace my steps and go back to simple worship in my small childhood church...I would do so gladly! There may come a day when church holds an attraction for me....but it isn't today, sadly.