We often say that god is an abuser, but I rarely see the explicit connections made between Gods behaviour and abuse so I wanted to state it with clarity.
Let us be in no doubt that the bible portrays God as the groom and the church as his bride. Keep this in mind as you read.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5:25-27
“And I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.” Hosea 2:19-20
There are warning signs of an abusive relationship which you can find
here. These are common sense aligned with years of research and experience from organisations such as Refuge and other domestic abuse organisations. I think we can all agree on the list.
I’d like to pair them up with some scriptures to demonstrate how God is abusive. Some are quite clear and straightforward, straight from God. Others are people describing how God has made them feel.
Is your partner jealous and possessive?Exodus 20:5: “You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God.”
God describes Himself as jealous, demanding exclusive worship.
Is he charming one minute and abusive the next?Isaiah 54:7-8: “‘For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,’ says the Lord your Redeemer.”
God swings from abandoning His people in anger to showing compassion, revealing a cycle of punishment and then kindness.
Does he tell you what to wear, where to go, who to see?Timothy 2:9: “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control…”
The Bible includes passages that set rules for women’s attire and behaviour, often dictated by a male authority.
Deuteronomy 22:5: “A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.”
God sets specific rules about what people should wear and how they should conduct themselves, especially in matters of gender and purity laws, dictating personal choices.
Does he constantly put you down?Isaiah 64:6: “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.”
Here, even human attempts at righteousness are described as worthless and dirty, emphasising human inadequacy in comparison to God’s perfection.
Does he play mind games and make you doubt your judgment?Exodus 9:12: “But the Lord hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the Lord had said to Moses.”
God manipulates Pharaoh’s decisions by hardening his heart, essentially removing his free will, which could be seen as a mind game affecting Pharaoh’s judgment.
Does he control your money, or make sure you are dependent on him for everyday things?Malachi 3:10: “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”
God commands His people to give a portion of their earnings (tithe) to Him, and only in return does He promise to bless them, essentially creating a dependence on His provision.
Does he pressure you to have sex when you don’t want to?1 Corinthians 7:4: “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”
Marital relations in the Bible are described as mutual obligations, which could be used to pressure someone into sexual relations.
Genesis 38:8-10: “Then Judah said to Onan, ‘Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.’ But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to avoid providing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.”
God punishes Onan for refusing to have children with his brother’s widow, enforcing a law that mandates sexual relations for procreation.
Are you starting to walk on eggshells to avoid making him angry?Deuteronomy 28:15-20: “However, if you do not obey the Lord your God and do not carefully follow all his commands and decrees I am giving you today, all these curses will come on you and overtake you: You will be cursed in the city and cursed in the country… The Lord will send on you curses, confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to…”
God threatens severe punishments if His people do not obey all His commands, creating an atmosphere where they might feel they have to walk on eggshells to avoid His wrath.
Does he control your access to medicine, devices or care that you need?Deuteronomy 32:39: “See now that I myself am He! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand.”
God claims control over life, death, and healing, meaning people are completely dependent on Him for their well-being.
Does he monitor or track your movements or messages?Jeremiah 23:24: “‘Can a man hide himself in secret places so that I cannot see him?’ declares the Lord. ‘Do I not fill heaven and earth?’”
God’s omnipresence means that nothing can be hidden from Him, suggesting a form of constant surveillance over all human actions.
Psalm 139:7-8: “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.”
God’s omnipresence can be perceived as surveillance.
Does he use anger and intimidation to frighten and control you?Deuteronomy 9:19: “For I was afraid of the anger and hot displeasure with which the Lord was angry with you, so that he was ready to destroy you.”
God’s intense anger toward the Israelites makes Moses fear for their survival, showing how divine wrath can be used to intimidate and control behaviour.
So why does this matter?"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." 2 Timothy 3:16-17
Not only is the bible an instruction manual but it gives examples of how we should behave. It normalises abusive relationships. How many have been in an abusive relationship and been told that you cannot divorce because divorce is a sin? Or been told to love your partner to Christ? The instruction for husbands to love your wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25) hits differently once you realise this is an abusive relationship.
Instruction about this being your only church, not being unequally yolked with unbelievers, love bombing one minute then punishing you in front of the church the next, making you doubt your own judgement, controlling where you get your information, others reporting back to the leaders who monitor you, using fear to coerce you into certain behaviours, these are all abuse. This is not love.
You are worth more than this.