Thanks @ gracevslaw I am glad you have found them helpful, but I want no praise. They are merely things that I felt were important to point out that I found to be very similar to something Ellen White said in the 1800s.
@SelahSelah - I’m sorry you went through that, it’s difficult to know that someone you had thought so highly of would care so little about you as a person. I also know how you feel, with the helplessness and mistrust. I wonder sometimes if I will ever feel really secure in my walk with God and know what he wants me to do, or will be able to fully trust a teacher/pastor again. The holidays still make me get all twisted up with anxiety and I can’t even look forward to celebrating our Lord’s resurrection because I still have this bad taste in my mouth over Easter. I feel like being in Trumpet Call of God, it’s like my mind was planted full of weeds that choked out the plants and made them wither and now I have a hard time being able to tell the difference between the weeds and the plants. I think slowly I’m picking the weeds out and that is making it easier, but it just gets discouraging sometimes. We just have to keep looking to Jesus to point the way, and I trust that He knows how much I love him and that he will show me the way out of the tangled mess somehow, someday.
It's ok LLG, I've decided to stop communicating with them since I know I am only abusing myself by doing that. I should have a while ago, and I know I probably did more damage to myself by holding on this long. Saying things like 'you are arrogant, trying to take away others robes' , 'you will only be saved by dying a martyrs death' , 'you will get what's coming to you, scoffer' , 'you are the perfect example of someone who is worthy of being destroyed in the lake of fire to bring God glory' are very cruel things to say to a brother or sister in Christ and I do not believe they are in love.
The bible tells us in 1 John 4:20 "If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen."
Instead we are suppose to love them and pray for them. And that is exactly what I am doing. I know it might sound sick, but I still care for them, even Timothy I do not hold grudges against him, because God has given me that forgiveness. Sometimes I do not understand what exactly I did wrong besides asked questions, when things other member(s) did like playing games and muting their mics and sleeping during the studies (that required our undivided attention), were simply overlooked.
It's like I know all of the cult attributes are there, like mind control, time control, us vs. them, others spiritual gifts are demeaned, and not being able to ask sincere questions, but it's still hard to not relapse and think "what if" so then I'll abuse myself by going and reading a bunch of the letters and I will walk away not finding comfort that I eagerly sought, but more fear and questions. Some of the letters are so confusing, they require someone to explain them to you, otherwise you really don't know what they mean.
They say I am high minded and other vicious things, but the opposite is true. Because I know I am not perfect, I do not have enough faith or pride in myself to rely on my own works to get me in right standing with God, but I never lost faith in God. While I was in the flock I tried so hard to make myself presentable enough for God to deem me acceptable and all I would see were my shortcomings and my failures and how I couldn't possible match up to His high standards. Which would only lead me to more depression and hostility towards myself and others.
I know I am not good, and I know that only God can save me and that Jesus Christ is the only mediator between me and God. For a while there I guess I got distracted because I thought I needed someone else, another human to talk to God for me, since I didn't have that gift, I was put under the impression that since I couldn't be righteous enough to audibly hear from God, that God's ears were deaf to me (something I had never thought until the letters because Jesus told us in the parable of Luke 18 to never give up or cease in prayer) and the letters/ group became my crutch and I was in fear and hindered from calling out directly to God because I felt like He was mad at me.
I know that many of them look at me like I am a pitiful, rebellious, unworthy, wicked person and call me names not directly, but through spreading of the letters and they are encourage to do this. It is very hurtful and I do not see the love in dis-fellowshipping, this is something JWs to not let you speak with any outsider "swine". I still believe that they are Christian brothers and sisters and love them as such.
I know that I love Jesus and I always will, I have seen with my own eyes for the past few years that we are close to Christ's return and have longed for it (like must Christians do), but why they make an addition to that love I cannot understand. I know that God's judgment is just and righteous and I will be held accountable to Him alone. I do not think I am worthy of anything by my own standards, this is why I rely so heavily upon God and get so discouraged when I am faced with being told I have to rely on myself and gird up my waist with not just Christ's blood and repentance, but with additions plus. Because I know and I see that I am not good. It has nothing to do with not wanting to do God's will or holding onto "man-made doctrines" because I honestly do not care about any doctrines except the gospel of Christ's sacrifice and atonement for sinners. I was so stuck on self preservation and trying to bandage up all my rotten fruit by way of the law, I could never manage to produce any good fruit or worry about others or tell others that something is required of them, that not even I could perfectly do myself. Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite to cast judgment on others and try to lay things on others shoulders when I can't even do them myself?
The thing is even if I begged to come back to their perfect group, they would not have me. Christ even used Paul to write a majority of the NT and he was responsible for the murdering of tons of Christians. It doesn't seem like there is very much forgiveness within the group, I have seen people been given the boot with no remorse, but alienated. I do not think the whole of them enjoy seeing that stuff happen, but since they are under the leadership of God there are no objections and I know I sort of became numb to it. I would only be used as an example of what not to do, just like I was before with Sabbath keeping.