Re: Theohumanity, aka Daniel Stacy Barron
Date: September 20, 2008 04:30PM
Hi Melissa and Jos,
I don't get to my email much these days. So this is partly why I haven't responded. The other reason is I worry that writing here will do no good for me. I may be wrong.
I wrote earlier some other things that were moderated out. I think it was due to putting contact info in which is a no-no in the forum venue I think I understand why. I wrote my story with Daniel and EBE on my website on gaia. Melissa and others, you can find it on google.
There are days where I still run through the spin of everything around my relationship with Daniel, Mark, and others there in EBE. And today I can say they were right about me. Pretty much everything they were pointing to was correct about me and my defenses. The way Daniel communicated it I disagree with. But he was correct in his assessment of me in my own illusions of myself, how I was not relating to reality, in codependence with certain people, etc. And yet, for me to get what he was saying the timing and the way he was communicating it was completely wrong for me. Then there were other aspects that I think were his own shadow playing out. Nobody is perfect.
I know he is way beyond me. I don't ever think I will experience reality in the way he does.
I can say that whenever I get in the spins around this, I feel like I am in a heavy-duty punishing/shame loop that I can't out of.
I had a very difficult upbringing. Trying to sort it all out has been very hard, and my relationship to Daniel and EBE, just made it harder in many ways. I still look to Daniel as a father figure and really want his approval. I don't know if that will ever change.
I like the idea of Daniel being on Dr. Phil. In my fantasy world he either one, gets totally rocked in how culty his world is... and he collapses. Or two, he really shows Dr Phil a thing or two about life. Either way its not a pretty scenario for me to be involved with. Being with 'the best guy in the world' was my addiction. He is a genius in many ways, and spiritually attained in many ways. The image he offers is something that I so got lost in. Still do some days. And that is after 2 friggin years of leaving.
He is most likely quite fine in his life. I can't imagine him missing me or our connection. As he said, 'what you get from our connection is far more than what I do', ie I don't need you, but I want you in my life... I love you... but I won't support your unhealthy ways.
Its true. I did get more from my connection with him than he me. I don't know if that is a bad thing though. And what I got I don't know how much of it was really good for me.
What I was trying to say Melissa is I know first hand what it is like for a son to do this with his mom, as I did it with my mom. Several times. On my wedding day, at Daniel's home - that one was face to face. On my mothers deathbed, because she wasn't getting it as I thought she should, due to Daniels prognosis of her and my own. Years before, when Daniel disconnected from her as did several others, and I too. I did this many times. I felt 'good' doing it. But like Jos says, I had to come back into the world of brothers and sisters. And see how I affect them. My mom, before she died told Venessa, who is still involved with EBE as far as I know, that she hoped I would one day leave Daniel and EBE. I've done this, I don't know if I am better for it. Many people tell me I am, people that know me fairly well.
The whole thing has been such a complex thing to sort out. I am by no means healed, done, or got it figured out. I just know, I met this guy, I had some experiences with him, some good, some bad. I was confused, still am in many ways, and I wonder if I would be better off going back, but then I think of all the things I couldn't reconcile in myself about it all. And it leaves me with a no, I can't go back. And it sucks, because in many ways I really want to. So its like missing the closest thing to a family I ever had, besides the one that I did, which completely sucked and then fell apart. I miss belonging. I miss going to someone that I believed really had the answers I needed to live my life. I miss the group spaces. I miss the feeling of being on the verge of something new in myself. I miss the cool folks there. I miss a lot of things. I'm still fucked up, just like I was there. I am just more aware of it now. A lot of good that does. I am glad I am not working with people though, I can say that.
I do think its a shitty thing to do to someone that you know for so many years, to just cut off contact. Daniel did this to me. I did it with others I knew. Your son did it with you. It leaves something incomplete in the relationship in the name of some principle. I was left spinning. Still am. I did not have closure with Daniel Barron. I don't know if I will ever have this. My wife was couragous enough to show up at his house when he cut off from her, and just say I needed to see you, to put an end to it. He was hiding in the back of his house, and then finally came out. He gave his your are in your sentinel speech and she said what she needed to say and then left. I respect her ability to do that.
I have not been able to walk up to him like that and say:
Daniel, I miss you and I don't miss some of the ways I felt when I was around you. I am deeply confused as a person and by you. I always have been. There were many things that our relationship gave me. I was hurt and confused by several things that happened between us. You have had a huge impact on my life, and my daily experience. I wish these things could be reconciled within my own heart. I wish I could not feel this split between me and a whole group of people in the world, ones that I was near to for so long. I have felt shame my whole life. I did in the ESH community, and leaving just added to this shame. Maybe someday, you will see me and say you are sorry. I felt I truly tried to do my best to do right by you and me and our relationship. I give up on you and me ever having this occur.
I wanted you to show me how to be myself. I wanted you to show me how to father my son. I wanted him to grow up being around you. I had all these dreams of being in a community with you all, raising my family up in it. But there was so much upheavel all the time, it was not the best environment for a family I think now. When you separated from us right before our birthing Savar, that was really hard. I felt so abandoned. I cannot imagine you ever knowing how deeply I was hurt by that. I have no idea who you really are. I can only go by my own experiences.
I so admired your abilities in the real world (as I was soo not in it), black belt in aikido, business coach, your determination. I felt awkward at times with you, because you looked at me in a way that I felt was projecting something onto me that was not really me. I did my best as a facilitator for you, but I really didn't know what the fuck I was doing and in many ways pretended that I did. Then later when we became more friends I found a sense of ease in our connection. I have seen how I pretty much take from everyone energetically, and I see I did this with you too. I am sorry for how I hurt you. I have been walled to feeling how I do not feel my impact on others. I was jealous of you. I really fucked with you at a couple points as your facilitator. You were the closest thing I have had as a friend since I was in high school. And at the same time, you could be one the of the nastiest assholes I have ever met. Really cruel to to others, and me. I was pretty nasty myself. I feel still confused about our relationship, and like something never got to complete. And I was sad to see you seem to become like a Daniel clone that last time I met you.
I pined for the projected glamor in your wealth. I felt jealous I was not Sam or in your family. It seemed like you all got the goodies. I mistreated you on a couple different occasions, I am sorry for how I was mean with you. I loved your honesty and brilliance as well as your commitment to yourself and your healing along with your family. You are a beautiful person. Thank you for giving me the many gifts you did. I do wish you and Nancy would reconcile regardless of what Daniel thinks of her.
Jillian, I still care about you as a person. I miss you, and I have been really inappropriate with women most my life, and with you as well. I am sorry for this and how this affected your own healing journey.
Linda, I hid in your bubbly energy, and felt you never really saw the real nasty me, that was hiding and just taking from you and others. I am sorry. I disrespected you and my wife in several ways that I can only hope with time I can rebuild the trust around how I've done this with women and been unfaithful to my partner.
I have no idea if what you all are doing is really what the claim is for it to be. I do know of my own shadow, or what I do know of it today to be and it has been pretty hard to come to terms with. I miss you and the feeling of a shared-ness of life that we had. I miss the groups. I miss the questions and answers that came. I miss Merlin. I miss experiencing the movements in folks.
I don't miss feeling so split and fucked up in side, of course I still have some of the fucked-upness inside.
I miss the beautiful people in Germany I met and came to love, Artur, Markus, Elke, Hiedrun, Werner and others. I love you all deeply.
If there was some other format or forum where I could go to clear all of this with you I would, but there is not. When you said you would have no more contact with me Daniel, that was to say that I was no longer allowed in any of the groups, and you were in all of them. So it was like in effect saying your out. I did speak to some of you. And I felt ashamed. I remember having more memories of being sexually abused around that time and feeling like Daniel was like th perpertraitor, to go to him was just too scary. I did not have the gumption to go to a class or group and process this with all of you directly. My politeness of the midwest said inside, if you are told to no longer have contact, you don't go pushing your way into the door to say something. So I left. Then Daniel when you starting saying things like I was an idiot to Hannah while you were still in contact with her, I felt so stupid. I often felt this way around how I was not living up to the man that I felt Hannah deserved. Several times I felt that you would cut me down with her.
I guess that I was not really EBE material. An ESH person that just couldn't make the next cut into EBE. If you can't tell already how confused I am by this email, then I think we both need to laugh. I pray to Mother Mary, the Christ, Divine Father, and all of my Angels to enloven this whole situation so that it may be whole in my heart.
Ahhh. Big sigh. How's that for stream of consciousness writing. I realize I never gave myself the space to open put closure on this experience. To say what I needed to say openly. And seeing that Daniel has read this forum and so too have others involved with it, I know that it is an avenue to communicated, where there has been a wall to anything I would send via email or in person. I have no idea if this will change anything. But I do know that in the new group I was a part of today, someone left, and they were given so much love in the leaving, and not called names and told they were idiots and lost in their sentinels... that maybe one life they will get it and come back. It did something in me to witness this. I began to feel what I did not get a chance to have with you Daniel and others (and I imagine many people that have been ousted because they were stuck like Christian, Nancy, Nedra, Lela, Bara, Lenn, Glenda, Tej, Barbara, Carly, Sarah, Sarah, the old crew in Bend - Besty-Raiaka-Dave-etc, and the folks in Sedona... to name just a few).
Closure. Whatever is possible on that level, for now.