Re: Guru Swami G
Date: June 29, 2013 09:47AM
She has some new videos (on YouTube which can be found under her name) out to combat this thread and all that has been brought up within it. That is fair and to be expected. Sadly, she fails to address most (if not all) of the issues, concerns and points that have been laid out by me other than using veiled and vague justifications. Those questions and concerns still need to be answered.
In her first (of 3 and counting) videos she also alludes to the fact that my family may fall apart., that I will end up where I was before seeking her guidance and/or counseling, and even that I am in a "hell realm" (not to mention she trashes another member that has spoken out against her on this board, suggesting that he may be a drug addict or alcoholic now. So terribly sad.). In honesty and fairness to myself and my family, I will share the bitter details. This is not easy and certainly places the spotlight on my shortcomings; however, facts (as I've come to painfully learn) speak louder than veiled innuendos.
The teacher decided, after many years saying otherwise (which she speaks some to in her first new video), that celibacy / renunciation was the only means for "realization", thus sending those members not readily agreeing to that into a group for "those not wanting realization". Considering I had been, was and still am searching for truth, peace and happiness, I was desperate to get back in to her good graces so that I could get to such a state of "perfect peace". She continually suggested that people take part in her counseling. Assuming there was something fundamentally wrong with me for not wanting to break my marriage vows and become a renunciate, I signed up for her counseling soon after getting demoted to her "does not want realization" group.
The question that was posed to me, in her counseling, was "what is holding you back from accepting grace?". (As a side note, to further point out something she still hasn't addressed, Siddhananda was sitting in the room with her as she did the counseling sessions, about 4 of them at different times, with me over Skype). A process of bringing forward the truth of that soon followed. I revealed my long held feelings of unworthiness, dirtiness, "not perfect enough", feeling like I was lost, forgotten and all too insignificant. I also revealed how I had long tried to be perfect, to maintain a rigid sense of perfection in my life, to strive for perfection ceaselessly. I am a housewife. I have two young children. I revealed to her how I did all of the chores around the house, limiting the help of my children and my husband. This is because I have long liked things a certain way, things in order, things in an overly organized manner. It is a strong leaning and propensity towards OCD which I was aware of then and even more vigilant to pay careful consideration and attention to now. The truth is I have long tried to live in a very perfect way. She suggest that I create a chore sheet for my children to help ease me back from taking so much ownership and control when managing our home. She also suggested I institute more family time to limit my time and leanings to try to keep things tidy. Those were helpful suggestions maintained even now.
During this time I was also dealing with some issues concerning other family members (not my children or husband), details of which I won't bring up here because their business is simply not in question in this forum, and it also their private information. She knew of these things I was dealing with, offering guidance to me as I tried to navigate through them. That is all I'm at liberty to discuss about that.
What became more and more clear to me is that my own propensity for perfection had painted a false light upon everything, had caused me to strive in ways that ended up hurting me more than helping me, had blinded me to my own and others behavior, and that kept me in a state of denial about many things, including her. I was finally able (or rather, no longer able to deny, excuse or justify) to see this teacher in a fuller light (rather than using some ideal of "perfect being" to cover over her behavior and actions). However, I knew that these things I was starting to fully acknowledge and no longer deny with ideals of perfection could not be brought up. As much as she'd like to argue otherwise, I've seen hundreds of instances over the years where people attempted to bring them forward and they were all but attacked and sent away with condemnations by her (unless they concede). When I left her, I removed myself from all her groups without saying a word. I was hoping I could slip out the backdoor without having to brings these things up and go through what I knew would be terrifyingly difficult. She sent me a short note a couple of days later expressing her hurt by me leaving without saying anything. I knew she deserved an answer, I just didn't want to have to tell her what I truly felt and what I was no longer willing to deny, keep secret or justify with ideals of "a perfected being".
I sent an email to her private email address, mostly speaking about her angry, rude and cruel behavior towards others. She posted that in her groups. I knew she would, as she always does, but I did not know what would follow. We had a couple of more exchanges. In the last one, which she responded to me while refusing me the right to respond back (by saying she would no longer reply), she used the information I gave her in counseling about both myself and my family members (who did not receive her counseling), all for her group to see. I was sobbing as I read her last email, as she threw that personal information at me as weapons ("you were helped, look at how messed up you all are, how messed up you will remain" type of statements), and felt as if I had been violated in the deepest way. That is also when I was told that I had "lost all Grace", would lose all experiences of peace and I was "following my own delusions" (among many other similar attacks and condemnations). Shaken and admittedly angry, I served her with a 'Cease and Desist Order' to prevent her from sharing my private information or my family's private information in any of her forums on in her videos. I, sadly, cannot stop her from sharing with her inner circle.
I admit that I had long kept things secret and denied the truth about both my own behavior and hers. I am sorry that I did not have the strength, courage or ability to be totally honest then. I have the strength, courage and ability now. I am being as brutally honest as I can about both my behavior and hers. I will stand by anyone that has left who may need someone to stand by. I will stand by any that choose to leave. I will even stand by any that choose to stay, knowing that they are free to choose whatever they choose.
I stand by everything I have said in these threads. It isn't pretty, I have made many mistakes, but this is what it looks like. I am working to get my life back to a healthy balance, to be a better mother in a more grounded way, to make amends to my husband for seeing and even inadvertently treating him as an obstacle on a path towards "realization", to make amends for my past behavior, and to be honest with myself and those I interact with. I am earnestly, though without the ideals, ever in search of truth, peace and happiness. It has been my experience that this is simply a step in that direction, no matter how difficult, complicated, muddled and terrifying it may be. I'll allow any that come to these boards to use their own process of discernment and judgment to decide for themselves.
In my estimation we have come full circle. I sought her in desperation and need, followed her under a spell of "perfection" (searching for my own, while being willing to excuse her behavior with a spiritual ideal of "perfect being"), finally was able to see my mistakes (and hers), had no other option than to leave (because she is unable to hear these issues that are brought up to her time and time again, let alone acknowledge them and make the needed changes; and I was unable to keep giving her free passes and reign), and then I came here to publicly reveal my errors in judgment, as well as hers. I have said and will continue to stand by what I know to be true in my experience. Thank you for allowing me to share.
May peace prevail for all,
Holly
xo