KC~
I really liked your succinct post. Thanks.
Did you know Sudama? He was once an ACB sanyassi and Butler loyalist. Butler said he was a "pure devotee". He got married after Chris (no way would Chris bow down to one of his own!). Last news was that he married, divorced, took his kid and split, At one point he offended Mrs. Butler (VD) and was booted out of the group. Another tale of Butler hypocrisy.

Not sure if the late weaning of children was a vaishnava thing (maybe some story about a saint who suckled many years) or was it a hippie thing? Anyone know?

Katyayani was favored by Butler, so she got many privileges. Butler also claimed she was a pure devotee, so she sauntered around freely. She is usually viewed as a nice, motherly, and mellow person, but some have found her to be arrogant as well. Butler later said her husband (#3) was envious so they are apparently keeping their distance doing their own thing in California. Katyayani sits on a vyas asana and has her own little group of followers. She has become a mini-guruette with her husband promoting. They connect themselves with the ACB parampara and bypass Butler. They are basically doing exactly what Siddha did; starting their own group.

Breaking out is not so easy. It doesn't take that long to get sucked in. All of the exers I know took a long time to leave. It didn't happen over night because there are so many conflicting feelings coupled with the group’s fears and admonitions stuck in your head. It gets hard to sort out what is reality after awhile. Of course when you are in the middle of it --- it doesn't seem that way. You think your thinking is all free and independent. You don't get that it hasn't been free in a long while until after you are away from the group for a long time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2010 11:02PM by Vera City.

Timed out while editing.
Here is the FULL post.

Quote

But it did take a few years to really get over the teachings of ISKCON and being a monk. I was believing in God for many years and thinking in terms that Krishna is God and so on. After time passed I started to question everything I believed. I questioned belief itself. Then I was free of all of the beliefs I had gathered all of my life. I saw how childish they all are/were.
It took so long because of the deep conditioning that goes on when one joins the temples in ISKCON. It is kind of like Marine Corp boot camp. You are broken down (as a willing person) and programed to see the world in a certian way. Everything you think has to be approved by some authority. If you think otherwise you are in "maya" or illusion, so they try to make you believe. And that kind of conditioning took me some time to see through. Partly because I was really seeking an answer to life. Seeking an answer to life leads to all kinds of authorities who want to lord it over you and me. Maybe for others the break was easier, I suppose so.

KC~
I really liked your succinct post. Thanks.
Did you know Sudama? He was once an ACB sanyassi and Butler loyalist. Butler said he was a "pure devotee". He got married after Chris (no way would Chris bow down to one of his own!). Last news was that he married, divorced, took his kid and split, At one point he offended Mrs. Butler (VD) and was booted out of the group. Another tale of Butler hypocrisy.

Not sure if the late weaning of children was a vaishnava thing (maybe some story about a saint who suckled many years) or was it a hippie thing? Anyone know?

Katyayani was favored by Butler, so she got many privileges. Butler also claimed she was a pure devotee, so she sauntered around freely with people bowing to her. She is usually viewed as a nice, motherly, and mellow person, but some have found her to be arrogant and dismissive. Butler later said her husband (#3) was envious so they are apparently keeping their distance doing their own thing in California. Katyayani sits on a vyas asana and has her own little group of followers. She has become a mini-guruette with her husband promoting. They connect themselves with the ACB parampara and bypass Butler. They are basically doing exactly what Siddha did; starting their own group.

Breaking out is not so easy. Getting sucked in can happen fairly rapid. All of the exers I know also took a long time to leave (years). It didn't happen over night because there are so many conflicting feelings coupled with the group’s fears and admonitions stuck in your head. It gets hard to sort out what is reality after awhile. Of course when you are in the middle of it --- it doesn't seem that way. You think your thinking is all free and independent. You don't get that it hasn't been free in a long while until after you are away from the group for a long time.

It is amazing how easily and quickly you can get sucked in! Just watch Criss Angel! At least he is honest and says it's illusions and entertainment. Can you imagine if that guy decided to become a cult leader?!!! Steve Hassan, a cult counselor and mind control expert, tells the story of how he was sucked in by the Moonies in only 2 weeks! He lost a lifetime of a Jewish upbringing in 2 weeks and lost 2 years of his life over it!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2010 11:29PM by Vera City.

Oh yes, Sudama. Are you talking about ISKCON's Sudama Swami? Sure, I knew him very well. Knew him for years before he mad a pass at me and then I suspected that he was gay. Actually, I liked him but left the movement when I found out he was having non stop sex with a guy in the temple. Too much for me. Also, at that time the temple president was boinking some of the women in the temple. This was in Hawaii on Cohelo Way(misspelled?). Enough for me. I was out.
Now I know that Sudama Swami left ISKCON and married or at least was living with a girl from the temple who I also knew. In fact they were living in the same apartment building (the round one) as I was in Honolulu. Sudama was Bisexual. However, he didn't know Siddha then. And Siddha would never think of a deviant as a 'pure' devotee.
I think there may have been another Sudama. Siddha had a swami that had a base in the Philliphens and he came to Hawaii sometimes and would grovel at Butler's feet and give speeches. He did seem like a nice fellow but I did not get to know him very well. He was fairly distant from most of us. He was really busy, I guess. Siddha thought very highly of him, gave him lots of responsibility. Can't really remember if his name was Sudama, though. It has been a long time and I am getting up there?(60's years).
Any thoughts on this?

I should point out that the ISKCON Sudama Swami died of ADIS several years ago in SF.
Therefore I think the Sudama you are talking about is the one Butler groomed.
I remember thinking along time ago that I should get together with his wife (before they married) because she had such great qualities, not a great looker though. I can't recall her name but I was in the ISKCON temple with her for quite awhile.

Yes, I was referring to the Sudama Vipra (formerly known as Swami) that Butler groomed.

I wonder what became of Sudama Vipra ex-swami? It would be interesting to hear his version of what happened in the cult all those years ago... Did he really abscond and take the child away from the mother ... and what was the reason for this? Rumor has it that he accused the mother of being "like a robot" ... (As mentioned earlier in this forum, this cult has many cases of broken marriages, probably one partner accusing the other of being "in maya" or not holy enough for them, I suppose...)


Regarding the negative state of mind that some of these cult members can sink to, I remember one time when one cult member lambasted me for watching the sunset ... Apparently, for him this was a case of trying to "enjoy" the material world... Some of them got so programmed about "material enjoyment" that they were unable to "enjoy" a day at the beach with the kids, for example, without getting into so much anxiety about having to "chant their rounds" etc. It's a pretty sad state when one can only see something negative in such a beautiful thing as a sunset!

[Found a great article today on the Stockholm Syndrome. Thought I'd share some highlights and relate it to the Cult of Butler.
I have posted in blue brackets how the text relates to the Cult of Butler. It is a broad topic and while reading, one can generalize and relate specific patterns to the Cult of Butler. If you check the link, there is an excellent section on how friends and family can relate to and help the victim/cult member. ]

Quotes from:

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
Written by Joseph M. Carver, PhD
Tuesday, 03 February 2009 01:23 - Last Updated Tuesday, 13 April 2010 06:01
[www.mental-health-matters.com]

People are often amazed at their own psychological conditions and reactions. Those with depression are stunned when they remember they've thought of killing themselves. Patients recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they remember their symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar Disorder recently told me "I can't believe I thought I could change the weather through mental telepathy!" A common reaction is "I can't believe I did that!" [Today I got a phone call from an ex Butler follower who told me “I can’t believe I ever followed that idiot!”]

In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as "I know what he's done to me, but I still love him", "I don't know why, but I want him back", or "I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her"… Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn't make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is - Yes!

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees "The party has just begun!" The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th. After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had "bonded" emotionally with their captors. While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as "Stockholm Syndrome" due to the publicity – the emotional "bonding" with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

- Abused Children
- Battered/Abused Women
- Prisoners of War
- Cult Members
- Incest Victims
- Criminal Hostage Situations
- Concentration Camp Prisoners
- Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The "Stockholm Syndrome" reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual…
…Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, [cult leader] or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority [or anyone claiming to be infallible, possess spiritual and ultimate truths].

It's important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it's easier to understand why
victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers. Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception…. several of these features will be present:

- Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
- Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
- Support of the abuser's reasons and behaviors
- Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
- Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
- Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment

It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome…
1- The presence of a perceived threat to one's physical or psychological [or spiritual] survival and the belief that the abuser [cult leader, teachings] would carry out the threat [harassment by loyal followers, spiritual death, entrenchment in maya, taking birth as a fly in a piece of stool, etc.]
2 - The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim [Initially the victim is given free advice, psychological support, gatherings with music and food, recruitment friendships…once in full service in the cult the guru may send a message through the recruiters. In the past people had more direct contact with Butler who is very charismatic and charming].
3 - Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser [the world is maya – illusion = bad. Keep the “shelter” of devotees.]
4 - The perceived inability to escape the situation [or suffer a spiritual decline]

By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships as well as criminal/hostage situations [or cults by promising freedom from the wheel of birth or death],

Criminal or antisocial partners can directly threaten your life or the life of friends and family. Their history of violence leads us to believe that the captor/controller will carry out the threat in a direct manner if we fail to comply with their demands. The abuser assures us that only our cooperation keeps our loved ones safe.

Indirect threats also come from the stories told by the abuser or controller – how they obtained revenge on those who have crossed them in the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is possible if they leave.
[In the case of Butler, violence is not needed to control people, but verbal abuse does predominate. It is enough that there is the implication that you will be spiritually dead if you blaspheme the guru or obstain from group practices and regulations. One is told that you have the freedom to be under maya’s spell– illusion—if you leave the flock. But you are doomed and the only way to gain enlightenment is through service to the guru and in pleasing him]

Witnessing violence or aggression [or verbal abuse] is also a perceived threat. Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be the next target for violence [verbal abuse or chastisement]. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of the abuser/controller is threatening and intimidating, knowing that we will be the target of those thoughts in the future [Ex Butlerites have stated that they tried to operate "under the radar" to avoid getting chastised. They did what they were told and even then got blasted. Followers also witness Butler’s tirades against homosexuals and will take on his attitude, even if it conflicts with their own beliefs.]

In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope – a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor. [In the Cult of Butler, who is considered g0d’s representative, perfect and pure, all of his verbal abuse and small kindnesses are considered benefits. Followers are addicted to looking for any sign of pleasing him. Getting a Chris Butler charismatic smile, a garland, some small recognition of service rendered, even a chiding or sarcastic joke could make the Butler follower loyal for life.]

In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not "all bad" and may at some time correct his/her behavior [Since Butler is viewed as infallible, nothing he does is considered bad. In fact, they believe that he suffers only for the benefit of his followers. He would often threaten to “leave the planet” if he was not happy with them and thus maintain control.]

Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner [since Butler followers are taught that they are worthless pieces of crap unless serving guru], when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation [since Butler followers are taught that the world is a place of misery and their life prior to jagad guru is worthless, any chastisement is perceived as a painfully necessary way to improve or save them from maya].

Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a "soft side". During the relationship, the abuser/controller [cult leader] may share information about their past – how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a "victim" [Butler told stories of how ISKCON followers abused him or how Larry Mehau was out to get him – so much that he built a secret escape tunnel in his closet! He claims to be attacked by all the “demons” who do not accept and challenge his “authority”. He also plays the victim with all of his illnesses due to taking on the sins of his followers and yet still clings to the planet out of his great “mercy”.]
...
Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor [cult leader] In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always "walking on eggshells" – fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst [Just ask any person who has done direct, personal service for Butler, or read the memos posted on this forum!].

For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser's perspective [“He suffers so much for all of us. He is sick because he is taking on our sins so we don’t have to suffer. He puts up with so many things”, etc]. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem.

If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser's potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller. Taking the abuser's perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts [claims that you will go to hell or die a horrible spiritual death]. Victims then turn on their family – fearing family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse their parents and friends, tell them not to call and stop interfering, and break off communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as "causing trouble" and must be avoided.
…
As a hostage in a bank robbery, threatened by criminals with guns, it's easy to understand the perceived inability to escape. In romantic [or cult]n relationships, the belief that one can't escape is also very common. Many abusive/controlling relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part relationships – locked together by mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations [or belief that one’s spiritual life is at stake].

Here are some common situations:
- Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. [Many businesses were started by Butler. He also groomed followers in many areas to serve him financially and in other ways through these businesses and initiatives. They are indebted. Senator Mike Gabbard would not enjoy his position without Butler’s stewardship.] Controllers who sense their partner may be leaving will [manipulate followers in a variety of ways].
…
- The legal ending of a relationship, especially a martial relationship, often creates significant problems. A Controller who has an income that is "under the table" or maintained through legally questionable situations runs the risk of those sources of income being investigated or made public by the divorce/separation. The Controller then becomes more agitated about the possible public exposure of their business arrangements than the loss of the relationship.

…
- In relationships with an abuser or controller [or cult leader], the victim has also experienced a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel "burned out" and too depressed to leave. Additionally, abusers and controllers often create a type of dependency by controlling the finances…eliminating any assets or resources the victim may use to leave.

- In teens and young adults, victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation. When parents are going through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual, feeling the controller may stabilize their life. [A high percentage of people who joined Butler’s group as young adults were in similar life transitions].

In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation with "trouble". Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. [see documents posted regarding Butler’s personal care].

To survive, "trouble" is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create "trouble" in the abusive relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding "trouble"! … Loved ones and friends are sources of "trouble" for the victim who is attempting to avoid verbal or physical aggression. [With Butler there is a fear of verbal aggression and chastisement and social demotion, but also a fear of falling into maya --- similar to sects who instill fear of hell fire.]

Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is not uncommon. Law enforcement professionals are painfully aware of the situation – making a domestic dispute one of the high-risk calls during the work hours. Called by neighbors during a spousal abuse incident, the abuser is passive upon arrival of the police, only to find the abused spouse upset and threatening the officers if their abusive partner is arrested for domestic violence. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will retaliate against him/her if 1) they encourage an arrest, 2) they offer statements about the abuse/fight that are deemed disloyal by the abuser, 3) they don't bail them out of jail as quickly as possible, and 4) they don't personally apologize for the situation – as though it was their fault. [Butler has no shortage of apologists who would take a bullet for him].

Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It's also the reason they continue to see "the good side" of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.

Dedicated to those of you still in the cult who do not even know you are being used.

More from Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
Written by Joseph M. Carver, PhD
Tuesday, 03 February 2009 01:23 - Last Updated Tuesday, 13 April 2010 06:01
[www.mental-health-matters.com]



Cognitive Dissonance

Is There Something Else Involved?
In a short response – Yes! Throughout history, people have found themselves supporting and participating in life situations that range from abusive to bizarre. In talking to these active and willing participants in bad and bizarre situations, it is clear they have developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation. One way these feelings and thoughts are developed is known as "cognitive dissonance". As you can tell, psychologists have large words and phrases for just about everything.

"Cognitive Dissonance" explains how and why people change their ideas and opinions to support situations that do not appear to be healthy, positive, or normal. In the theory, an individual seeks to reduce information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. When we have two sets of cognitions (knowledge, opinion, feelings, input from others, etc.) that are the opposite, the situation becomes emotionally uncomfortable. Even though we might find ourselves in a foolish or difficult situation – few want to admit that fact. Instead, we attempt to reduce the dissonance - the fact that our cognitions don't match, agree, or make sense when
combined. "Cognitive Dissonance" can be reduced by adding new cognitions – adding new thoughts and attitudes.

Some examples:
- Heavy smokers know smoking causes lung cancer and multiple health risks. To continue smoking, the smoker changes his cognitions (thoughts/feelings) such as 1) "I'm smoking less than ten years ago", 2) "I'm smoking low-tar cigarettes", 3) "Those statistics are made up by the cancer industry conspiracy", or 4) "Something's got to get you anyway!" These new cognitions/attitudes allow them to keep smoking and actually begin blaming restaurants for being unfair.
- You purchase a $40,000.00 Sport Utility Vehicle that gets 8 miles a gallon. You justify the expense and related issues with 1) "It's great on trips (you take one trip per year)", 2) "I can use it to haul stuff (one coffee table in 12 months), and 3) "You can carry a lot of people in it (95% of your trips are driver-only)."
- Your husband/boyfriend becomes abusive and assaultive. You can't leave due to the finances, children, or other factors. Through cognitive dissonance, you begin telling yourself "He only hits me open-handed" and "He's had a lot of stress at work."

Leon Festinger first coined "Cognitive Dissonance". He had observed a cult (1956) in which members gave up their homes, incomes, and jobs to work for the cult. This cult believed in messages from outer space that predicted the day the world would end by a flood. As cult members and firm believers, they believed they would be saved by flying saucers at the appointed time. As they gathered and waited to be taken by flying saucers at the specified time, the end-of-the-world came and went. No flood and no flying saucer! Rather than believing they were foolish after all that personal and emotional investment – they decided their beliefs had actually saved the world from the flood and they became firmer in their beliefs after the failure of the prophecy. [The same thing occurred with ISKCON and ACB as well as Butler. WWIII was predicted in the 1970’s. When it did not come as stated, followers were told that it was because of the world wide chanting. Also Butler predicted that the swine flu would cause more damage than it actually has. I do not know how this was rationalized, but most likely the same chanting claim applies].

The moral – the more you invest (income, job, home, time, effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position. If we invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with "I'll get them next time". If you invest everything you have, it requires an almost
unreasoning belief and unusual attitude to support and justify that investment.

Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding – even if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling to survive on a deserted island – you bet!

Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship. Try telling a new Marine that since he or she has survived boot camp, they should now enroll in the National Guard!

Several types of investments keep us in the bad relationship [or cult]:
- Emotional Investment – We've invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see the relationship through to the finish.
- Social Investment – We've got our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we remain in the relationship.
- Family Investments – If children are present in the relationship, decisions regarding the relationship are clouded by the status and needs of the children.
- Financial Investment – In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation. Many victims remain in a bad relationship, waiting for a better financial situation to develop that would make their departure and detachment easier.
- Lifestyle Investment – Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an investment. Victims in this situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle.
- Intimacy Investment – We often invest emotional and sexual intimacy. Some victims have experienced a destruction of their emotional and/or sexual self-esteem in the unhealthyrelationship. The abusing partner may threaten to spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. A type of blackmail using intimacy is often found in these situations. In many cases, it's not simply our feelings for an individual that keeps us in an unhealthy relationship - it's often the amount of investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see the tip of the iceberg in public. For this reason, the most common phrase offered by the victim in defense of their unhealthy relationship is "You just don't understand!"

[The Cult of Butler, as with many cults, undermines natural, healthy, and even to some holy relationships through controlling the sexuality of the members - either by celibacy or multiple partnerships (Rajneesh, Jones). The guru jealously requires all the attention and devotion and destroys healthy sexual and emotional intimacy and bonding between loving couples. Followers resort to affairs or candlestine activities.]

Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions
The combination of "Stockholm Syndrome" and "cognitive dissonance" produces a victim who firmly believes the relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for their survival. The victim feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. In long-term relationships, the victims have invested everything and placed "all their eggs in one basket". The relationship now decides their level of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health. For reasons described above, the victim feels family and friends are a threat to the relationship and eventually to their personal health and existence. The more family/friends protest the controlling and abusive nature of the relationship, the more the victim develops cognitive
dissonance and becomes defensive. At this point, family and friends become victims of the abusive and controlling individual.

Importantly, both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop on an involuntary basis. The victim does not purposely invent this attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and survive in a threatening and controlling environment and relationship.

All of us have developed attitudes and feelings that help us accept and survive situations. We have these attitudes/feelings about our jobs, our community, and other aspects of our life. As we have found throughout history, the more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts to survive. The victim is engaged in an attempt to survive and make a relationship work. Once they decide it doesn't work and can't be fixed, they will need our support as we patiently await their decision to return to a healthy and positive lifestyle.

Final Thoughts
You may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking an understanding of your feelings and attitudes. You may have a son, daughter, or friend currently involved with a controlling and abusive partner, looking for ways to understand and help. If a loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing partner, the long-term outcome is difficult to determine due to the many factors involved. If their relationship is in the "dating" phase, they may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year, they may require support and an exit plan before ending the relationship. Marriage and children further complicates their ability to leave the situation. When the victim decides to end the unhappy relationship, it's important that they view loved ones as supportive, loving, and understanding – not a source of pressure, guilt, or aggression.

This article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and attitudes that are as puzzling to the victim as they are to family and friends. I've outlined recommendations for detaching from a Loser or controlling/abusive individual (www.drjoecarver.com) but clearly, there are more victims in this situation. It is hoped this article is helpful to family and friends who worry, cry, and have difficulty understanding the situation of their loved one. It has been said that knowledge is power. Hopefully this knowledge will prove helpful and powerful to victims and their loved ones.

Please consider this article as a general guideline. Some recommendations may be appropriate
and helpful while some may not apply to a specific situation. In many cases, we may need
additional professional help of a mental health or legal nature.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/09/2010 09:57AM by Vera City.

Excellent article on Stockholm syndrome, very helpful.
There have been quite a few helpful books published in the recent past on traumatic bonding. From memory I found Bradshaws "Healing the Shame that Binds You" useful, as well as Lundy Bancrofts " Why Does He do That?"

There is a good reading list here on this site:
[culteducation.com]

Vera City
You were asking after Sudama - now there are some memories! He was (is?) truly a DUDE. He stayed in our house once and we took him shopping, he spied a Gibson 12-string guitar and told me to buy it for him. Can you believe it – me and my pal actually did! What possessed us? The desire to serve a pure devotee no doubt. He never did bless me with any of toenail clippings for that service though. It was a beautiful guitar.
To further show his gratitude he gave a lecture to a group of my friends in my absence on what an offensive bastard I am. That was his mercy on me I guess…..I would have forgiven him if he left the guitar behind when he departed my humble abode. I sometimes fantasized about what I would have said or done if I was there when he said all those flattering things about me – but then he was a damn sight bigger and tougher than me!
I lost track of him after that, but I heard a rumor that he died quite a few years back after falling out with the Guru of the Universe, but I don’t know the facts.
Interesting that you ask after him.