Re: Former SGI members
Date: October 04, 2009 10:07PM
Non SGI Member Married to Dedicated SGI Member:
Scooby Dooby, I copied this from Rick Ross's "Coping Strategies." I've edited this a lot because the full article is a bit long for this space -- you may want to read the full article, in the "Getting Help" section if you haven't already. To get it, you'd go to the "Home" Page. On the left side of the page, there are some choices. Click on "Getting Help." In that article, there are links. Click on the "Coping Strategies" link.
The article seems to have been written primarily for people who live with their cult. Still, it has good ideas that apply to a number of situations. As you already know, arguing with your wife about SGI will only make her feel defensive. In the days when I was involved with SGI, nobody could have talked me out of it. My family and friends accepted it -- and this gave me space to think for myself -- what was I really seeing in SGI? Quiet one gave you good advice -- be loving, be supportive, encourage her to get involved in other, non-SGI activities that you can both enjoy together, never criticize SGI. Don't be insincere and say that you like Ikeda if you don't -- but if there are things you do like about SGI, then share that with your wife too. Encourage her to pursue any other nonSGI interests she might have -- career, schooling, hobbies, and to see nonSGI friends.
-------------Beginning Quote, Rick Ross Website, "Coping Strategies."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Communication
Whenever family and friends are concerned about someone in a cult--communication with the cult member is vitally important and should be ongoing. Hopefully, the group and its leaders will allow that communication and not interfere with any existing relationships. Most often when family and friends are not visibly hostile and remain at least seemingly passive--communication will be allowed.
Communication is absolutely essential for the following two primary reasons:
First, to demonstrate continuing love and commitment, which should remain intact regardless of cult involvement.
Second, because by communicating you can offer the cult member a link to the outside world, more accurate feedback and an outside frame of reference.
Communication thus often enables you to effectively penetrate the cult's control over a member's environment and his or her information. And also most importantly their thoughts and emotional life. Whenever you talk to a cult member you should always try to stay positive. Find subjects of mutual interest and attempt to maintain and/or build upon your rapport. Be friendly, reasonable and look for areas of possible agreement. Don't be confrontive, punitive, combative and/or argumentative. Don't denounce the group, its leader(s) and/or beliefs and practices. But this does not mean that you should be deliberately misleading or phony. Don't give false information and/or act obviously out of character. Never use the word "cult" to describe the group or terms like "brainwashed" and "mind control."
Cult Personality
People in cults often develop a distinct new cult identity or personality. This personality will be consistent with the qualities valued by the group and its leader(s) and correspond rigidly to its doctrine.
Flavil Yeakley, author of the book "The Discipling Dilemma" researched the effects of cultic influence upon individual personality traits. What he found was a cloning phenomenon. That is, members mirroring certain personality traits that corresponded to a preferred prototype, which was very similar to the group's leader. What can be seen from Yeakley's research and other examinations of cult members--is that a new identity is often developed and shaped through their influence. This new personality is often not consistent with the member's previous character and may seem like mimicry of other members.
The process of breaking down and then reshaping thoughts and emotions is best understood by reading Robert Lifton's seminal book "Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism." In Chapter 22 he details the cataloguing of thoughts and feelings through the preeminence of "Doctrine Over Person" and the group's "Demand for Purity". Lifton also describes how people within such a thought reform process frequently strip themselves, in an act of symbolic self-surrender, through a dynamic he calls the "Cult of Confession". Typically, through such a thought reform process--cults can break down individual personalities and then shape and mold new ones.
It is very important to recognize this process through which destructive cults can falsify and/or submerge an existing personality. And how they then can superimpose upon the member their own preferred personality traits. Awareness of this process will better prepare you to cope with a loved one who may develop a personality you don't readily recognize. That cult personality may exhibit traits, which are otherwise often confusing and at times may even appear obnoxious. But by recognizing the origin and controlling forces behind such behavior you can learn to be more sensitive, patient, tolerant and understanding.
The realization that you often may not be dealing with someone's genuine personality can enable family and friends to more easily avoid angry responses, unproductive emotional outbursts and confrontations.
You must also be sensitive to certain terms, phrases or words (taught within the group) and avoid them. This is what Lifton calls "Loaded Language" or "thought terminating cliches." In some supposedly "bible based" groups such expressions as "the world," "unbelievers," even "love" may be twisted and loaded with special significance. It is important to learn this language (perhaps through articles about the group, books and/or the group's own materials) and be sensitive to its use and implications.
Conversation
Whenever talking with a cult member it is often meaningful to ask open ended and thought provoking questions, but always without being accusatory or argumentative.
When unreasonable fears come up try to put them into a more objective frame of reference by giving accurate feedback such as, "Do you really think that's a serious concern"? And "Why"? Always allow the cult member to answer completely and listen courteously. Be a good listener and don't interrupt or in any way belittle or ridicule their responses.
Again, remember that you may be dealing largely with a cult personality. Be aware that what you think and/or feel is reasonable, rational and logical may not be considered so in the cult.
It is meaningful to demonstrate some genuine interest in the group, its daily life and activities. Don't ask pointed questions that sound accusatory and again--never use the word "cult" in any conversation.
Generally, the more communication there is with people outside of the group--the better.
In any conversation with a cult member it is crucial to connect in some way with their past--specifically, before their involvement with the group. In this way you can, in a non-threatening way, often stimulate their submerged and genuine personality. You can do this by recalling memories of happy times spent with family and friends, accomplishments at school. Working within such a framework is often difficult, but it is important to demonstrate to the cult member through passive conversation that his or her past life did have value, happiness and meaning.
Never be aggressive, punitive or try to induce guilt feelings through conversation--the group may turn this around and use it as an indictment of both you and your intentions. Assume that anything you say to the cult member will be repeated to leaders and/or others in the group and scrutinized. Again, don't provide the group and its leaders with ammunition to discredit you. Always do your best to be truthful, positive and consistent. And make every effort to fulfill any commitments.
It is very important for members to know they have family and friends on the outside who care. And that these people are there to provide loving support. If a cult member considers leaving the group--this may become a vitally important and pivotal point.
Remember--every action and comment will be viewed through the lens of the group and often scrutinized virtually with a microscope. Be very careful concerning your behavior on this basis. When in doubt about how to act and/or react-- don't do anything.
If you are invited to cult activities such as religious services or programs you should be careful. It may be appropriate to attend the group's open public services to demonstrate a reasonable attitude, but it would be unwise to participate in training sessions or intensive group programs typically designed for indoctrination. Such a session or program might become volatile, provocative and possibly lead to problems and/or a confrontation.
Doubts
There may come a time when a cult member expresses doubts about the group, its leaders and/or practices. It is important to understand that this may only be a transitory time of questioning, which may pass. It is therefore strategically meaningful not to comment too readily about how bad the group is or that you "always knew that leader was bad" and/or "wrong." If later they decide, often through the group and/or leader's influence, that their doubts were wrong and you did comment negatively about the group/leader-- it is likely that they will discuss this with other members and possibly group leaders. Subsequently, this may complicate future contact and communication.
You should be circumspect and careful when you comment about a member's doubts. Essentially, the best initial response is to be a good listener and take no position. Instead you might say, "That's interesting." or "I didn't know you felt that way." If there are repeated doubts and misgivings about the group expressed through further conversations and visits you might begin to consider other more assertive responses.
Eventually as doubts are repeated and perhaps expressed more deeply your most measured response may be to share information (e.g. factual documentation specifically about the group, books about cults and persuasion techniques). But be careful--you should carefully qualify sharing such material by stating, "Some people shared this information with me about the group/leader--would you like to see it"? Or, "Someone once suggested I read these books on the subject of influence and persuasion within groups--you might find this helpful"? Don't be aggressive; allow enough space for the cult member's comfort and personal reflection. If your offer of help is rejected simply respond, "That's OK-- the information is here if you want it."
At times it is much easier for cult members to recognize what is wrong with other groups than their own. In this sense it may be better to offer material and books that do not name their group, but rather others with similar problems and practices. Again, allow every consideration for the cult member to sort through such issues.
Leaving
Most cult members will eventually walk away from their respective groups. Sadly, this may take place after years of exploitation and personally destructive involvement. Specifically, they may have experienced psychological, emotional and at times financial and physical damage.
It is vitally important to express your unconditional love. Never say, "I told you so" or act in a punitive way or guilt-inducing manner.
Don't make this your opportunity to attack the group and its members. Instead, remember that even a destructive cult experience may not have been totally negative. The member's time within the group may have resulted in some positive changes and realizations such as increased sensitivity, spirituality or the end of some self-destructive behavior (e.g. illegal drug use, drinking). Avoid sweeping generalizations/statements about the group and/or his or her group experience. Again, be a good listener and always be as positive as possible.
This may again be a time to seek qualified and knowledgeable professional help.
Cult Recovery
There are common problems experienced by most former cult members during their recovery period. It is important to recognize that these problems are commonly shared by a majority of ex-members and not to become alarmed or panic. This may include depression, nightmares, anxiety attacks, excessive shame and/or guilt and seemingly unreasonable fears about the future.
Former cult members may at times feel like they are either back in the group, or wish that they were. Such a sensation may be prompted by something that occurs, which is reminiscent of their group experiences or practices. Some people call this "floating." But this does not necessarily happen to every former cult member.
Former members may also take some time to redevelop their critical thinking skills and initiate independent decision-making. Likewise, their ability to tolerate ambiguity may return slowly. Don't expect some instant overnight transformation. And don't pressure them hoping to speed up the recovery process Typically, the longer a person has been in a destructive cult--the longer they may take to recover. Also, recovery may depend upon their degree of personal involvement and/or the level of destructiveness and control within that particular group.
Members in most destructive cults are taught some form of "learned dependency." They are also frequently persuaded that individual autonomy and/or independent decision making are negative or even "sinful." Be understanding and patient. Remember these two important points at all times:
Don't be critical of spirituality, idealism and/or greater awareness. The stated goals and ideals of the group may have been laudable--despite its behavior.
Don't try to convince or convert a former cult member about your personal beliefs. Respect their process of recovery and personal discovery. They will make their own choices in their own time and may require a rest from church, religion, and even awareness groups for awhile.
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