Quote
tsukimoto
The people I knew in SGI were not family or friends, just people I did stuff with and gave money and time to. They used to talk so much about saving the world. Maybe they still do. I'm no longer interested in hanging around and listening to their empty words. Yeah, save the world and let the friend die of peritonitis on her kitchen floor.

Yes this was the irony that I ran up against after all of my experiences with SGI:

That this organization presented itself - from my very first contact with them, on a business card handed to me in a Quik E mart in Hollywood - as dedicated to "World Peace through Individual Happiness" ...

... and that the method of achieving this was through a spiritual practice that claimed to bring out the highest levels of human strength, wisdom, hope, courage and compassion in each individual. So (ergo) one would think that in a crisis, these members would display the best of these qualities and rally around a member that was in trouble - for *any* reason - let alone a crisis that was partially caused by that members involvement in activities to further the cause of world peace by thier own organization.

But no: quite to the contrary. They displayed selfishness, total lack of concern, and / or indifference to what i was going through. I never expected a handout; I never asked for money, or food, or a place to stay. I did my best to pull out of my situation on my own.

I never even told my family back home in New York what had happened to me until much later, after I moved from California. I called home on payphones and basically told them things were hard but everything was fine.

The irony of it all and the thing that I could not resolve - no matter how I tried - was:

How could these people practice this buddism for so long and completely miss out on the basic human warmth that is necessary in any peaceful world?

The claim that "this karma is your responsibility, we are not giving people fish we are teaching them to catch fish on thier own" does not cut it when you are sleeping in the basement of a florist to survive, because you gave your "fishing instructors" all of your money to go to a fisherman's promotional convention.

When I confronted some of the higher chapter/whatever-division-comes-after-chapter leaders - the big bad uber leaders we were supposed to emulate - those practicing 25 years and up.... they told me some bullshit about my "sacrifice for kosen rufu" and "this is your legacy for the future ... these are your golden memories" ... while all of my own intuitions and insight were telling me that they were completely full of shit.

Not one of them said the magic words "are you ok? make sure and stay in touch with your district these people *care* about you" or "Im sure you will gain some great benefit from this, but in the meantime we have a food bank that we work with to help our members that are struggling" or "we really appreciate everything you have done for us, Soka University has a training program for such and such a job where we can hire you"

... or anything else that a *real* organization for world peace would logically be like for its own members.

So how does that reflect on the practice itself? I could not reconcile seeing the results of the practice on the people, and by extension the organization:

The organization for World Peace was training people to be myopic and selfish without the slightest *real* warmth and compassion for each other.

So what did that say about the actual chanting and practice itself?

This was what I was left wondering.

.

My experience at Trets (SGI indoctrination/training center Aux En Provence, France).

I was in Trets in 1981 and 1982. I was one of few americans at the Italian NSI youth division training session (1981) and at the first european general meeting. A few things stand out in my mind about Trets. SGI is not Buddhism. SGI is humanism and a failed one at that. The study topic was not even "Human Revolution" but rather human evolution. I kid you not. When we arrived, I was amazed to find, in the Gohonzon room, several painted study posters of a monkey transforming into an hominid, then into a Neandrathal, then into a modern man and finally into a futuristic man that looked like ET. Very little of the Gosho was discussed and we chanted many hours of Daimoku interspersed with guidance sessions exalting the wisdom of President Ikeda while telling the members that their wisdom was shallow, they don't understand anything about Buddhism, are not capable of teaching or even comprehending the Gosho unless they are such and such a level of leader, etc. What I remember most was crying in front of the Gohonzon for hours on end because I was made to feel so totally inadequate as a practicing Buddhist and even as a human being. All I thought about was I am not this, I am not that, I am a terrible son who disreguards his mother, I am a terrible Buddhist because I don't devote myself enough to the cause of the Kosen Rufu, I will fall into hell because I don't understand why Sensei is my Eternal Master in life, I don't understand what evolution has to do with attaining Buddhahood etc. It was worse than an empty experience.

At the European General Meeting and training session held there over three days, the things that remain in my mind are the following: Very little chanting; even less sleep and food for the YMD; senseless activities such as standing in an out of the way grove of trees, protecting a metal commemorative plaque of Toda that was anchored by cement, for two hours (from 2:00am-4:00am in the morning), heavy physical activity and a competition between the various country leaders and members to be the most sincere and selfless devotee who would do anything for Sensei. Of course I was caught up in this, being one of the few American members there besides Mr.Williams, Gerry Hall, and several others in Mr. Williams entourage. All I kept thinking, throughout this exercise, was I am doing this for the members and I will show them how "sincere" the American YMD are. Needless to say at the end of this training session, I thought I was a special Bodhisattva put in the world to protect all the sincere SGI members at all costs. On the way home, I found in the street a giant fresh grapefruit and I knew this was a sign that I was correct. I knew that I was the protector of the SGI members even if I had to take out someone's eyes in order to protect them or kill a great savage dog to do so. I believed I was able to understand all teachings, such as the barks of a neighbor's dog that were really expounding the sanskrit and "true" Lotus Sutra. I also thought that my body had transformed into a Great Bodhisattva Protector and I was possesed, not only of great physical strength and speed but I was immune to harm. However, not understanding anything about Buddhism, I continued to not sleep, thinking I could live on sunlight and Cammomile tea. Within the next three or four days, not eating, not sleeping, not studying my medical subjects, chanting two to four hours a day and studying the Gosho while continuing to go to meetings every night, I had gone totally bonkers.

The first time I was picked up by the Italian police they took me in to be interrogated. I was fearless and petted a vicious police dog, much to the amazement of his handler. They thought I was doing drugs but when they found none in my apartment, they let me go. By this time, I was a bit paranoid, living in a studio on the roof and living alone thousands of miles from home. I had a terrace that opened to the roof. It was tarred with reflective silver coated blacktop. I broke perhaps a half dozen coke bottles in a pot and meticulously placed the broken glass all over and around the roof that encircled my apartment. By this time, I had graduated to wearing black pants, no socks and a white tea shirt as this was the attire of the "protective eunichs of old". I was not only a master of Buddhism but of martial arts and spent hours on the roof, protecting my domain with my weapons of choice, a frying pan and utensils. That night, I invited several SGI members over and the night was beautiful. The eternity of the stars, the moon, and our lives shined. Some SGI friends, by this time, knew that something was wrong with me and two people slept over my house to make sure I was Ok. I dreamt that night that I was the Original Bodhisattva Protector who was protecting the DaiGohonzon in the infinite past in a forest sanctuary, warding off wild beasts, lions and the such. I slept about four hours. By then, my attire had changed to cutoffs without underwear and no shirt. This was strange attire in Italy, let alone in my Monte Sacro neighborhood. I ran a half a mile or so and was so hungry by this time, I went into the macellaio (butcher) and bought some raw chopped meat and ate it. I ran another mile and a half or so and returned home. I put on a shirt and went out again, crossing the street to the park by the river. There I crossed the abandoned footbridge balancing on the railing of the footbridge, turned around and walked back. I climbed, perhaps a third of the way up a high tension wire stanchion (~25 feet up), my fingers tingling with the electric current, I turned inward on the stanchion and some neighborhood children, obviously having read my mind, yelled, "NO Mark". I jumped down from the middle of the stanchion landing heels first on the grass, then fell to my back. I laid there for a few minutes and then, as I was returning to cross the street, two police met me there and took me to the station. As I was sitting there, having just injured my back (though it didn't hurt), with electricity running down my back through my buttocks and into my legs and feet, I thought the cops had put me on an electric type chair as punishment. Within minutes, they ushered me outside to a waiting ambulance that took me to the funny farm.

Of course, few SGI members have had this type of experience but I am not the only one who has been through one of these training sessions and ended up having a nervous breakdown. You won't hear these experiences at the SGI meetings.

France considers SGI to be a dangerous cult. Trets might be one of the reasons.

Nichijew, what horrible experiences you've had with SGI! I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, Howie -- and then this miserable training session at Trets! Your experience at Trets reminds me of something I read on the Byron Katie thread in the "New Sects, Cults and Religious Movements" Board. Katie, and a lot of 'new age' types often run these kinds of retreats. I think that Landmark Forum does things like this too. Participants are away from home and everything familiar, and leaders plan activities or say things that can really trigger intense feelings, like guilt, fear, shame, sorrow or anger. Participants are often deprived of sleep and food, and made to do things that make no sense. They may be made to exercise too much, or too little. They may be berated and criticized mercilessly, for no reason. Or maybe the leader, or leaders, mixes it up -- nasty sometimes, love-bombing others, the good cop, bad cop routine. Basically, just a real roller coaster that people can't get off.

All of these things can make participants very disoriented. (Lack of sleep alone would probably be enough to unhinge me!) This makes them dependent on the leader, or leaders, easy to manipulate, -- willing to do anything the leader asks. Byron Katie, by the end of her "school," was able to get her participants to hand over expensive jewelry, laptops, their airline tickets, even houses! Some participants also have had emotional and mental breakdowns, the effects lasting long after the training session has ended.

And the evolution part of it, that's just weird. I don't see any reason why a person can't be a good Buddhist and also believe the theory of evolution -- but why would someone teach evolution at a Buddhist training session, when the focus should be on Buddhism? It would be like signing up for Economics 201, and then finding that the professor is really teaching oceanography.

I remember reading on a website, I think it was for the Boston Research Center (renamed the Ikeda Center), about Ikeda's philosophy of "competitive humanism." That's really what he's pushing, not Buddhism. The Buddhist organization is just a medium that he can use to push his own agenda -- money, power, the image of himself as a great philosopher and intellectual, with his ghostwritten books, and 250 honorary degrees. SGI provides Ikeda with financial support, and an audience for his crackpot philosophies. It's not about Buddhism and hasn't been for years.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2009 07:58AM by tsukimoto.

Nichijew, was that really SGI or was it a military training :/?! I can't believe it happened in SGI, its incredible!

And Von, your story is also amazing. What you said about SGIers pretending to be your comrade has not changed a bit since NSA. At the time it was very encouraging, you know "Oh you have a problem? lets chant together!" or "I'll let you know about the upcoming meetings, Soka Spirit(which I thought was very vain), or World Peace Prayer" and all kinds of BS!. Yeah but the moment you step out of the kaikan and face reality, nobody really cares about you, any problem you have, either they left you, or encouraged you to read Ikeda's guidance. And what really disturbed me was that, every meeting they thought it was incredible, "OH It was an amazing lecture" or "Oh from now on I'm going to chant harder and give my total commitment to Pres. Ikeda". I mean, all meetings I attended weren't that amazing, it was just FINE. Did I mention the big meeting there was last spring at the Santa Monica Culture of Peace Resource Center in Southern California? I was like, is this real Buddhism? A luxury hall room at its max. What I found ironic was that, when we were invited to eat, we ate at the BASEMENT! that was kind of disturbing, putting hundreds of people in such place with a luxurious gohonzon, and then to the basement to eat? and we were supposed to feel great for attending to such meetings? All very confusing....

The more I read the stories everybody here post about SGI, the gladder I am for leaving such cult! lets keep on, keep exposing SGI fraud!

Quote
Von

Yes this was the irony that I ran up against after all of my experiences with SGI:

That this organization presented itself - from my very first contact with them, on a business card handed to me in a Quik E mart in Hollywood - as dedicated to "World Peace through Individual Happiness" ...

... and that the method of achieving this was through a spiritual practice that claimed to bring out the highest levels of human strength, wisdom, hope, courage and compassion in each individual.

The irony of it all and the thing that I could not resolve - no matter how I tried - was:

How could these people practice this buddism for so long and completely miss out on the basic human warmth that is necessary in any peaceful world?

So how does that reflect on the practice itself? I could not reconcile seeing the results of the practice on the people, and by extension the organization:

The organization for World Peace was training people to be myopic and selfish without the slightest *real* warmth and compassion for each other.

So what did that say about the actual chanting and practice itself?

This was what I was left wondering.

.

Von, this is just it. When you add your experiences with homelessness, how cruelly Howie Grunthal was treated by his leaders, the brutal and bizarre "training" session that Nichijew endured in France, the young man who told Rothaus that he sold his body to get money to go to an SGI activity, my SGI "friends'" refusal to take me to the hospital when I had appendicitis.....what IS this? When I joined, I was told that practicing this Buddhism would help me bring out my Buddha nature -- the highest levels of wisdom, joy, compassion, integrity, courage, and strength. So why have we found so many long-term members and leaders with such abysmally low levels of these qualities?

When I think of the leaders and long-term members I met in almost twenty years of practice -- I can't think of one person that I want to be like!
Many seem extremely stressed, from having to do everything that the organization demands, and it also seems as if their marriages and kids suffer from the amount of time that the spouse/parent spends with the organization. Some seem very irritable and judgemental -- and actually rather nasty -- with anyone who does not conform, struggles with unresolved problems, or asks questions. Very few have anything to offer in terms of guidance; all they can do is recite the organization's cliches over and over, regardless of the problem. There's this phony warmth -- one of the women who would not help me when I was so sick, constantly talked at meetings about how "it's all about opening our hearts to people!" I said, after I was out of the hospital, "Yeah, refusing to help someone who is having a medical crisis and is alone and terrified -- that's really opening your heart!" SGI members seem to act like this a lot. They just don't see the gap between what they say and what they actually do. Why? How can this be?

They just seem to think that supporting SGI is the highest good. Maybe they think that anything can be justified -- if it supports SGI? You can have sex for money, talk some young person into giving SGI his last dollar, lie, berate some gentle, vulnerable, troubled soul, refuse to help a sick or homeless friend, treat your followers like personal servants...if it's all for the good of SGI?

Reading these shocking and tragic experiences reminds me of the saying, "the fish stinks from the head."

This total lack of humanity comes from nowhere but the top. It was learned by example and innuendo. I too had a surgery, like Tsukimoto. It was a nearly strangulated hernia. My co-worker came to the hospital to find out if I needed anything. I had only known this co-worker for two months! After that, I went to my parents house to recover. Not one, I mean, not one SGI member called me to inquire how I was. No card, no nothing. I needed my boyfriend, not a member, to point that out to me. When I came back, and I still wasn't that well, the leaders couldn't wait to push me back into the throws of the activities. I backed off, and even quit for a while, but I got suckered in for another fifteen years, I hate to say.

Thinking back, there were so many physically and mentally sick members and they were pretty much led to believe that "daimoku" would cure them. People still died, people had nervous breakdowns. The leaders would say, " oh well, they have heavy karma", "They are fulfilling their mission", and, "this is mappo, we have to expect that people have these conditions

Nowadays, in my area at least, if a member goes into the hospital, the other members freak-out and over call and over visit to the point where the family has to say, "back off." This overreaction is just as abnormal. It's like there is this immaturity in their character to have any sort of common sense.

Ultimately though, this philosphy, not buddhism mind you, leads people to believe that their divine mission for kosen rufu makes them a cut above. Their "mission" allows them to do virtually anything, because, remember, there's no guilt in buddhism. Nothing is farther from the truth.

When I had been told that Mr. Williams "betrayed" Ikeda, I had asked how Ikeda responded; how he had felt. I imagine that he would feel disappointed. My leader told me that "Sensei is never disappointed, never. He has no time for that. He just moves on." I argued that anyone betrayed is bound to be disappointed to some degree, or dismayed, or sad, something! She insisted that he wasn't. I felt that his response was abnormal and disconcerting. This was the beginnings of my independent thought process. This is where all that lack of humanity and decency stems from.

As shocking as all those experiences may be, they are not really a surprise either. Whenever I had doubts or I witnessed incidents that made me wonder I would allways push those doubts aside, thinking that those must surely be the devilish functions. Now I know it was my common sense.
The beinnig of the end of my time in SGI was the split with the priests and I do not even have much sympathy for the Nichiren Shoshu to this day, but it was the language being used to "confirm our path". I bgan looking more critical at SGI when they started insulting people and comparing them to a desease and so forth. All of a sudden everything that I used to blame on the "devilish functions" resurfaced.
I thoght that if this organistaion was so noble and its wish for peace and tolerance honest, why then speak so ill of people who decide to travel on a different path? The charter SGI has created is not worth the paper its written on as SGI does not live up to those standards - may it be iternal or external. I don't recal when the charter was published I guess it must have been at the end of the 90's, but whenever I would question some of SGI's attitudes based on exactly this charter I was treated as if I was the nut case.
One of my last phone calls with a leader (I do not even recall what the subject was) ended with him saying something along the line " I tell you this based on my wisdom" --- the only thing I remember though was that I thought to myself what an arrogant prat he was. I decided that it was me who allowed them to treat me like a fool and that I won't let that happen anymore --- simple lack of respect. Now some people might say that one has to earn respect, in my books that is a lot of BS since respect is the way how to approach anyone.
Most of our experiences that we shared here can be narrowed down to this point. SGI is all about the individual (they say) and in a way thats true, they really are concerned with the individual - until you fit into the SGI mould, mission accomplished.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2009 02:39PM by Rothaus.

Quote
gingermarie
Reading these shocking and tragic experiences reminds me of the saying, "the fish stinks from the head."

This total lack of humanity comes from nowhere but the top. It was learned by example and innuendo.

Nowadays, in my area at least, if a member goes into the hospital, the other members freak-out and over call and over visit to the point where the family has to say, "back off." This overreaction is just as abnormal. It's like there is this immaturity in their character to have any sort of common sense.

Ultimately though, this philosphy, not buddhism mind you, leads people to believe that their divine mission for kosen rufu makes them a cut above. Their "mission" allows them to do virtually anything, because, remember, there's no guilt in buddhism. Nothing is farther from the truth.

When I had been told that Mr. Williams "betrayed" Ikeda, I had asked how Ikeda responded; how he had felt. I imagine that he would feel disappointed. My leader told me that "Sensei is never disappointed, never. He has no time for that. He just moves on." I argued that anyone betrayed is bound to be disappointed to some degree, or dismayed, or sad, something!

I agree with you, Gingermarie, certainly Ikeda felt something -- if Williams actually betrayed him. Who really knows what Williams did or didn't do? This attempt to portray Ikeda as this Buddha, who has moved beyond sorrow, hurt, disappointment though...is just more SGI nonsense. In my opinion, though, Ikeda's not the sort to get depressed over a perceived slight -- he'd feel rage, and he'd get even. Apparently, Ikeda, or his ghostwriter, is working on the next installment of "The New Human Revolution." If, in the book, he's slamming the George Williams character, portraying him as evil -- what's that but revenge? If it's also true that Williams now suffers from Alzheimers', then what a thing to do -- waiting twenty years, until Williams is no longer able to defend himself or tell his side of the story. Reminds me of the proverb "Revenge is a dish best eaten cold."

I also agree that the problem is the head -- you have Ikeda and his cronies who care about nothing but themselves, and who would they pick as leaders but people who have the same mentality? And then who do those leaders choose as subordinate leaders? On and on it goes to all levels of the organization. Members who think, question, use common sense, have initiative -- these people finally get tired of SGI and leave. From SGI's standpoint, it doesn't matter. These people contributed work and cash for awhile, before they became troublesome with their questions and demands. Better they should leave before they start giving other members ideas!

Those individuals who like to be told what to do...and there are a lot of people like this out there...may feel more comfortable in SGI and will tend to stay. This one gal who wouldn't take me to the hospital had a very domineering mother, who told her what to do and did everything for her, even when the daughter was middle-aged. Maybe for someone like that, SGI means security. Your parents will eventually die, but you'll always have leaders to tell you what to do. This gal would do tons of activities for SGI, but she couldn't spare a half hour to take me to the hospital Emergency Room. Was that because her leaders were always telling her to do activities, but there was no leader to tell her to take me to the ER?

And yes, I also agree that the idea of having a special mission to save the world can contribute to some SGI members' arrogance. Also the idea that you can get anything you want through chanting -- and all the "experiences" that are given at meetings on this theme. Nichiren Daishonin, in his writings does not really say that, and he himself experienced a very hard life -- but SGI just pushes this "chant for what you want," to the exclusion of other things. Teaching this prosperity gospel theme, without also teaching the ethics and morality of Buddhism --- it seems to create a "me, me, mine" mentality. It reduces Buddhism to a magic incantation to give me what I want. Oh, the leaders SAY that this isn't really what the Daishonin's Buddhism is all about. Yet with all the "experiences" (testimonials) given at meetings, and all the guidance to chant more and more, hours, to get what you want -- what's the real message here?

And does that too tend to short-circuit a person's common sense? You WANT to believe that if you chant, you can get anything you want. Wouldn't that be amazing if it were true? You want to believe it, and yet the evidence, as well as your own logic, HAS to be saying, "Ain't necessarily so." It's very uncomfortable for people when their experiences and observations contradict deeply-held beliefs. You have to either change your beliefs -- which many of us who participate in this forum are doing -- or you have to go into serious denial. " I don't really see what I see. People who tell me things that go against my beliefs are evil, hateful, jealous, devilish functions. People who chant and still have serious problems must be doing something wrong -- it can't be that chanting doesn't work!" It's like the abused wife, who's been beaten black and blue, and yet insists that her husband's a great guy.

It seems to me, that years of denial and ignoring your own observations and common sense, take a toll on a person's mind. Years of not exercising your muscles seriously weakens them. Perhaps years of not exercising your common sense does the same. For me, learning to trust what I see and think -- after years of distrusting myself -- is a challenge, like getting back into shape after years of physical inactivity. I think I've said before, that this forum is like an intellectual gym to me.

Rothaus brought up the SGI Charter -- So here it is.

Quote
Rothaus
The charter SGI has created is not worth the paper its written on as SGI does not live up to those standards - may it be iternal or external. I don't recal when the charter was published I guess it must have been at the end of the 90's, but whenever I would question some of SGI's attitudes based on exactly this charter I was treated as if I was the nut case.
.

------------------------Begin Quote: SGI Charter, from sgiusa.org website-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charter of the Soka Gakkai International

Preamble: We, the constituent organizations and members of the Soka Gakkai International (hereinafter called SGI), embrace the fundamental aim and mission of contributing to peace, culture and education based on the philosophy and ideals of the Buddhism of Nichiren Daishonin.
We recognize that at no other time in history has humankind experienced such an intense juxtaposition of war and peace, discrimination and equality, poverty and abundance as in the twentieth century; that the development of increasingly sophisticated military technology, exemplified by nuclear weapons, has created a situation where the very survival of the human species hangs in the balance; that the reality of violent ethnic and religious discrimination presents an unending cycle of conflict; that humanity's egoism and intemperance have engendered global problems, including degradation of the natural environment and widening economic chasms between developed and developing nations, with serious repercussions for humankind's collective future.

We believe that Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism, a humanistic philosophy of infinite respect for the sanctity of life and all-encompassing compassion, enables individuals to cultivate and bring forth their inherent wisdom and, nurturing the creativity of the human spirit, to surmount the difficulties and crises facing humankind and realize a society of peaceful and prosperous coexistence.

We, the constituent organizations and members of SGI, therefore, being determined to raise high the banner of world citizenship, the spirit of tolerance, and respect for human rights based on the humanistic spirit of Buddhism, and to challenge the global issues that face humankind through dialogue and practical efforts based on a steadfast commitment to nonviolence, hereby adopt this Charter, affirming the following purposes and principles:

Purposes and Principles

1. SGI shall contribute to peace, culture and education for the happiness and welfare of all humanity based on the Buddhist respect for the sanctity of life.

2. SGI, based on the ideal of world citizenship, shall safeguard fundamental human rights and not discriminate against any individual on any grounds.

3. SGI shall respect and protect the freedom of religion and religious expression.

4. SGI shall promote an understanding of Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism through grass-roots exchange, thereby contributing to individual happiness.

5. SGI shall, through its constituent organizations, encourage its members to contribute toward the prosperity of their respective societies as good citizens.

6. SGI shall respect the independence and autonomy of its constituent organizations in accordance with the conditions prevailing in each country.

7. SGI shall, based on the Buddhist spirit of tolerance, respect other religions, engage in dialogue and work together with them toward the resolution of fundamental issues concerning humanity.

8. SGI shall respect cultural diversity and promote cultural exchange, thereby creating an international society of mutual understanding and harmony.

9. SGI shall promote, based on the Buddhist ideal of symbiosis, the protection of nature and environment.

10. SGI shall contribute to the promotion of education, in pursuit of truth as well as the development of scholarship, to enable all people to cultivate their individual character and enjoy fulfilling and happy lives.
---------------------------------------End of Quote------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gotta love #7: "SGI shall, based on the Buddhist spirit of tolerance, respect other religions, engage in dialogue, and work together with them toward the resolution of fundamental issues concerning humanity." Uh huh. I'm sure that Nichiren Shoshu and other Buddhist groups could tell you all about how respectfully SGI has treated them.

The Day the Clear Mirror Cracked.....This is the most compelling experience of an SGI member about the True nature of the SGI.

THE DAY THE CLEAR MIRROR CRACKED
"But if any of Nichiren's disciples disrupt the unity of many in body but one in mind, they would be like warriors who destroy their own castle from within." (WND vol 1, p.217)

Everyone in life has had obstacles in their lives and I am no different. Yet had I known what the fall and winter of 2006 had in store for me and the members of Golden Pacific District, I am sure my resolve and courage would have failed me. The greatest challenge of my life would come at the hands of a leader trusted, respected and called friend. He would in the end use lies, slander and defamation so devastating that he tore the heart and soul out of me. As a result the lives of 15 active members and their families would be changed forever. He succeeded in doing what no other challenge ever did, send me so deeply to my knees that only now have I been able to try and stand again. With fellow Area and Chapter leaders, fully aware of what they were doing they went far beyond any definition of "just a misunderstanding" to try and destroy the district.

WWW Area and New Renaissance Chapter leaders have at least in their minds declared through the voice of Carol that our district was officially "dismantled" on December 17, 2006. We however have never accepted their death sentence. Given that Freedom of Religion, Speech and Assembly still exist, playing God as Matt did was strictly a figment of what appears to have been a dark and delusional mind. His actions resulted in very real pain and suffering but his 'authority' to simply snap his fingers and his victims would disappear was not. As of today the district although denied "recognition or support" is intact. No matter what you have heard we did not "transfer, or disappear."The O.C. Region has turned their backs on these members which is their loss. Although there appears to be no recourse for us within the organization I know the Court of Cause and Effect guarantees justice.


SPRING TO SUMMER **** THE GOOD OLE DAYS

January to July was business as usual. We were just active, chanting, living the S.G.I. lifestyle members. Golden Pacific is a pioneer district over 28 years old. Many of the founding members still practice together. We have a "open door" policy. Everyone welcome invited or not. Since numerous top, middle level leaders and members from other districts return repeatedly, the policy seems to work. The district's meeting day is the 3rd Sunday of the month and has been for years. This district is not guilty of any wrong doing implied or factual. The accusations I have endured were based on admitted lies. These lies led to charges of slander and defamation. If members displayed anger at the end it was because they were pushed beyond reason and patience simply ran out.

For myself I was attacked with vicious lies regarding President Ikeda and The Gosho. Matt, then area leader had been in attendance at the meetings for 3 years, He rarely missed. Instead of basing judgement on his own experience he chose to believe the lies. and worse to reveal the accusations using a youth division member as messenger. Less than 3 months later he would choose to come after me personally in the confines of the small Gohonzon room within the O.C. Community Center.

That day December 12, 2006 lives on forever burned in my mind. His words went far beyond cruel or abusive, they were vile and threatening. He is guilty of outright slander and total disregard of every guideline set down by Sensei on the respect of members and the women's division in particular. So abusive did he become that I feared my co leader would be pushed beyond reason and constraint. There are today many unanswered whys. But the signs point to petty jealousy, or envy and fall under the Three Poisons of Greed, Anger and Stupidity. Regardless of the "devilish functions" that might have been present, the reality is these men and women's actions were pure choice on their part.

IF IT'S AUGUST **** IT MUST BE DECEPTION

The usual meeting was moved one Sunday because of the men's General Meeting. Matt and Bobby ( the chapter leader) both said they would not be in coming The topic for this meeting was , "The Gohonzon A Clear Reflection." There was a small presentation added on the continuing line of the Mentor and Disciple relationship based on Sensei's editorial in a recent World Tribune. In the article he had remarked that the original mentor to us all was Nichiren and Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. I simply pointed out using a 5x7 chart that the line was continuing through Sensei and us. The lecture was finished and we were at the Gosho reference for further study when in walked Bobby and his wife.

I could never have guessed that my fate was sealed that day and at the hand of that man who had not even attended the meeting, never heard my words that day and had attended but two previous meetings, both of them large General meetings. Somewhere, as the leaves of endless trees began to drift and swirl their colors in their annual lazy dance a report was made that would change Autumn forever. A lie was born and believed. It would prove to be the spark of a firestorm of pain and destruction.

IF IT'S SEPTEMBER **** IT'S HOSTILE TAKEOVER

The flavor of the month was "In Knowing Myoho I Will Know Myself." Matt and Bobby again sent their regrets that they could not attend. As they both walked through the door the ill winds of my fate began to blow. Gongyo if possible is led by the youth division, but on this day Matt announced he would be leading. Masako and I exchanged a glance that said wonder what's up? During the chanting Matt's neck and face began to turn a deep red. The Gongyo became harsh and he struck the bell so hard that it's owner was shocked. In the end he was visible agitated and out of breath. Charmaine, vice district leader remarked we could pat ourselves on the back knowing the November General meeting was already out of the planning stage and into production..Masako reported that 6 members were planning on taking the October Review in 3 languages.

The topic study had barely finished when Matt, now obviously agitated, let his anger rear its ugly head. He declared "he was going to lay out his new complete reformation of this district." Although he profusely extended words of gratitude for my Gosho efforts, my unwavering devotion to Sensei's guidelines on study and faith, he said: "he was proposing a drastic change in the district's format." With talk of youth leading the way, they already did, members taking turns, they already had, he went on and on. There was not one thing that at one time or another had not already been done. His so called requests were given in a tone of this was how it was going to be from now on. Not a sound followed his pronouncements. I sensed this was just the start of something deeper.

Matt continued his sales pitch for his revolutionary new plans as members continued to sit in stony silence. At the end I wondered if he expected accolades, all he got was more silence. Bobby started to break the silence but failed. Everyone kept looking from Matt to me so I started to speak on their behalf. The next thing we heard was Matt's hand as it hit the coffee table and he loudly proclaimed that every member not just six were to take the review because that was his Ichinen. No one agreed. Not one word was spoken yet there was a viable feeling in that room that the districts universe of harmony and unity had just tilted. My thoughts were interrupted as he suddenly said he was ending the meeting. There was no sign of relief as members moved to the buffet table.

Later, I would be encircled my every member who expressed varying degrees of disbelief and subdued anger. They had a barrage of question and I sadly had no answers. We finally agreed to wait and see. I must say my own whys were raging in my head. This was not a broken, lost or dead district. It was thriving with happiness and fun and complete Itai-doshin. It did not need fixing. I could now see the shadows, but I could not see what was in them. Could I have stopped the monster that was coming? I'll never know. I did know that I continued to feel that whatever winds of change were blowing now felt icy and cold.

On the 25TH the winds froze and the hands of time slowed almost to a stop. My Y.M.D was going to a dinner with Matt. A showing of gratitude for working hard. At 11:30 my phone rang and in the next few minutes the fabric of my S.G.I. life would be torn forever. Using an innocent young man has his sounding board he was forced to sit and bear witness to lies and fabrications created by Bobby. Matt would accuse me of "defaming the name of Daisaku Ikeda and interpreting the Gosho outside of the guidelines set by Sensei." The so-called dinner would end up being more of an inquisition. The young man was faced with a multitude of questions and after the slander having to vehemently deny the charges and defending me. When he called he was so distraught and angry I thought I had misunderstood him.

Realization finally dawned as to what I was being accused of. I had to end the conversation because as I wrote later, "No matter what words I hear my soul has been struck deaf." There would be no sleep that night as the Kennedy's and I discussed what had just been reported. As the sun came up I began to try to think who was the enemy behind the attack. During Daimoku I truly wondered if my tomorrow would ever be the same again. I knew the accusations were outright lies and yet the feeling of betrayal was still very painful. Matt had been so openly supportive of the district that any reasons for this made no sense at all. He had never expressed any discontent with me or the district all these years, so why now?

When in doubt I believe in start at the top and work your way down. I called the community center and spoke with Eiko. Asking questions without going into details she said did not have a clue as to what I was talking about, but she did want a report back when I found out what was going on. I decided to leave a message for Danny at the Plaza to call me back. We go back a long way and I had always trusted and valued his opinion. I would never have guessed that "my requests" would fall on apparently deaf ears. Matt was next on the list and I left a message asking him to call back. Now the wait began. I chanted that I was wrong about him, that somehow this went beyond truth of any kind,and was some horrible dream. As I chanted I kept thinking that I had more yesterdays than tomorrows a fact that had never bothered before. I felt deep in my heart that somehow the "Diamond Day"s might be over forever.

When Matt called back he was very nervous. He said : "he had been talking to and giving guidance to Bobby, and he was very sorry I had been waiting so long for his call." I simply said, why? why Matt did you do it to me? He hesitated and I wondered if he was going to deny it. Before he could lie I told him I know what you have accused me of and how he had put the young man through the third degree. At this point I had a very fragile control on my emotions. Every part of me was gripped in a cold rage, but I refused to give in to my famous "Irish temper" for fear I would miss his whys. He finally answered with "maybe the young man had misunderstood." Typical blame the messenger. He continued to try to downplay the event, but as good a salesman has he is his words fell empty.

Some truths would prove to hard to hide. I continued to refuse his P.R. attempts. I let him dance on and when he began to falter I said : "Your lying. Your actions and words are betraying the truth. You made the announcement, the accusation, the lies and now your caught" Silence. Finally in a ragged voice he said: "yes ,I said it last night blame it on me." As he spoke I clearly heard the closing of the door on a relationship that had been created on respect and trust. My control began to waiver as I again felt the sting of deliberate betrayal. He went on trying to convince me only he was involved. I asked him why had he chosen to throw `away all that was between us, all the years simply tossed out the window. Why did you create such vicious stories and lies about me? There were no further answers just "I'm sorry." I asked who started this campaign against me? He answered: "I did, only me no one else." Still I did not buy it he was attempting to cover for someone.

Unexpectedly the door to truth began to open with his next statement. "This is what I get for listening to someone else and not seeing or hearing it for myself." In an instant the "Irish" in me won out. I went on the attack. I said, your stupid beyond words if you take the blame. The causes your making can never be undone. Knowing his own anger would be his downfall I pushed by saying you will be a weak little puppet dancing to a master pulling your strings. My hunch paid off as he yelled, "I'm not a puppet to anyone. Bobby is not pulling the strings. "Finally, the truth." Bobby had been my attacker. Silence fell between us as the river of 3 poisons divided us. I had my answer, but this was no victory, not for anyone. I would later write "Evil is a mysterious force one that invites you to join it." and "I know now a war of words is looming on the horizon." I wanted to hang up, to walk away from this mess as far as possible. It was a long moment before I heard a now pleading voice ask me "do you still trust me?" Three time he would ask. Finally I said probably not as much as before.

Matt began to ramble "about how he would fix this. That he knew Bobby was wrong, had lied. That Bobby would apologize. He could turn this around, just wait. Give me a chance Annsan please, please trust me Annsan. "I will never forgive myself for believing him that day or giving him a chance. This would be the start of "circles within circles" and "lies within lies." I should have heard the death knoll as the bell began to chime.

Never good at waiting to let someone else to fix it, I confronted Bobby. There was a lot of disjointed conversation and when my patience was just about gone he finally "admitted" the accusations were his. He said: " although to my credit I don't think I used the word "defamed" exactly." He went on explaining his reasons that in the end created this entirely false scenario. First, at the August meeting I did not show on the "little chart" President Makaguchi and President Toda ( the meeting he never even attended). Actually they were mentioned during the explanation that I had given Second, he "preferred or liked only to read and use Sensei's explanations of the Gosho because they were "easier" for him to understand." So I guess in his thinking if you do not use only Sensei's explanations then you are "interpreting the Gosho outside the guidelines." So much for using the Gosho itself or any other S.G.I. publication I guess.

The rest of his reasoning made no sense at all. I've always wondered if there is a study course offered at the Plaza Headquarters entitled "Talking in Circles" because I have noticed many top leaders do it so well. Nothing he said make any difference, the damage was done as I would discover very soon. This was not the end of the matter but would prove to be the start of the real campaign of revenge and hatred directed primarily at me. Not once by the way did he then or ever say he was sorry. Not once! He was saved that day by a wheelchair-- mine -- as it prevented me from going to his office and probably slapping him so hard that in his next life he would remember it. I told him so and he responded with saying "he was like an onion." Like I said a definite graduate of the course. I hung up. For anyone who has come into the district I do not explain what the Gosho means. There are very good explanations found in both The Living Buddhism and World Tribune every month, which every member in the district subscribed to and read. President Ikeda's lectures are available in many books I know we own them. Our district chose each month a precept of this Buddhism or a fact of life itself to study, to explore, to learn.

The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin volumes one and two and The Gosho Zenshu are used to show where Nichiren taught us these same concepts. We read his words directly in both Japanese and English. We have studied together like this every month for 11 years now. The premise for us is simple: to live this Buddhism with our lives you need to let the words of Nichiren himself light the way. Sensei's encouragements to us never fail to include references to Nichiren's words. I guess we feel if he thinks they are important we should too. The last days of the month crawled slowly by as I waited to see what was coming. What was in store for us next.


IF IT'S OCTOBER **** IT'S DIALOGUE

So many answers, so few real reasons why. Stupidity, jealousy, anger, or just shallow self-centered human nature, take your pick of one or a combination of all, but one thing for sure it was not that simple or was it over. I believe jealousy is like a river of raw emotion as deep as an ocean and just as unpredictable. Nichiren says "A person of great fortune will never be ruined by enemies, but maybe ruined by those who are close." (WND vol 1, p.302).

By now, the members knew something was up. One man had talked to the young man involved and the whole story came out. Over the next few days the brush fire that started would become a firestorm. I have no accurate timeline of who called whom first or last, but conversations were numerous between members and leaders. Matt's conversations were disjointed and confused at best. At one point he said he did not even know what I was talking about. Nothing was being gained since no leader helped to resolve anything. The dance went on and frustration mounted. Emotions ran deep, anger ran higher. By the 8th of October patience had grown very thin. Masako K. pushed to the limit called Matt directly. It would be a wasted effort on her part as she was confronted by a stone wall of indifference, with more of the same lies, excuses and empty promises.

That afternoon the dam of emotion building in Charmaine would finally crack. Driven beyond the breaking point by these men she would resign. She just could not support them any longer. Ah, my friend your love and loyalty are so fierce. When I heard and realized the depth of her torment whatever resolve I had to be tough melted away. Guilt, pain and anguish for what she was enduring flooded through me. I knew I must find a compromise, a final solution to all this suffering. Since I seemed to be their target I reasoned if I alone stepped aside, stepped down as center the attacks would stop and time could settle things down. It was not what I wanted but it would be a start.

I called Matt and left the message that told him to ignore her resignation,.I would step down. Masako with Charmaine as vice would stay as leaders. Perhaps the river of 3 poisons flowing would subside since the focus would be off of me. I then called Bobby. He said' "wait wait wait. It was not supposed to end like this." He said, "maybe I was wrong about a few things." I simply hung up thinking I probably did not like him very much.

Regardless of how this had started my determination was to stop this madness. So keeping my promise to report "everything" I foolishly called Eiko. Her reaction has earned her the nickname "ice princess." Her encouragement, support there was none whatsoever. She just remarked "Be sure you notify the Women's division leaders so you leave on good terms." I came away thinking icebergs probably have more feelings since at least they are capable of melting. Of course it could have been she was aware she would soon move to the "south" so no need to be involved. Either way not her problem. As for the leaders I was instructed to call, Carol never returned the call and Reimi thought I was some one called "Jennifer." Figures, after all I've only known them over 20 years.

Matt's return call finally came that night. He was adamant "that neither the region nor the W.D. could accept resignations only he could. Only he had the "authority" and he was angrily refusing." He continued to rant . When he finally slowed down he said, "he was so shocked at what he had caused and let happen." "No matter he will fix these issues. Bobby will be corrected by him and others about his misguided thinking." "He swears he will "never" accept the resignations no matter what." "He needed me in his life he wanted to be my shadow not me his." "Golden Pacific was a shining star in his area and he was never going to let it go, no matter what."

After all the lies, accusations, the pain and the suffering caused, some part of me still wanted to believe him. I would live to regret my failure to hear truly empty words from a man trying to save himself and preparing to destroy me. I fell for his suggestion for a dialogue meeting with all the district. One he would attend in order to "create an arena for his and Bobby's profound apologies that were "still coming." "A chance to explain how he had mistakenly pushed a poorly worded agenda on a wonderful working district." "Please trust me I promise to make everything right." I am not stupid, nor naive and yet I kept believing. It would prove that fools have no age limits and old warriors should never hesitate in their judgement.

On October 12, Matt called. This time to tell me " Bobby says this is his fault, he had lied and he will apologize." " Now he is here at the kai-kan chanting for the courage to fulfill this mission. It will be a little time and then we will meet. Okay?" This must be the longest Daimoku for Courage campaign in S.G.I. history since today 13 months later there has been no "so called apology."
On October 14, an "E" meeting was called by Matt for the WWW Area and New Renaissance Chapter leaders. The basis for the meeting was to discuss Golden Pacific and bring Vice leader Mike up to speed. Since I know the content of the meeting perhaps they should have invited us, at least then Mike's information would have not been misinformation and incorrect. There was no concrete plan made to resolve the situation.

A little hard to do when the true facts and the culprits involved were never revealed. Mike's 5 dialogue points had nothing to do with this situation. Very soon those points and his questions, that would be so insulting and ridiculous, would end up alienating everyone involved. Masako chose at this point to go to Eiko herself. At the end of the conversation, totally disillusioned and angry, she threw in the towel and for the first time in her long history went to Matt and quit. She simply gave up. Of course he refused but what did that matter the circle was complete.

The heart of Golden Pacific, its women leaders, had been broken. Crucified for the sake of men's egos. Even worse not one Women's Division Leader ever attempted to help. They just let it happen. Anyone looking for Kishibojin can find her living well in O.C. Region.

At this point I was convinced nothing felt right. My ever deepening fears would not lose their grip around my heart. The shadows I feared were real now and the winds of change were becoming a gale force. There was so much mistrust, so much passing the buck and so much angry dialogue. Truly the only thing that kept me from running screaming into the night was Daimoku. I continued to persist in my belief that I would stand and take it. That the worst they would do was done. I would soon learn that these men and women may share a Japanese heritage but they are anything but "honorable."

On October 21, Matt called as he put it " to set the guidelines" for the meeting next day. You know the "Open Dialogue." I would that night make one horrible mistake "not telling him to go to bloody Hell." As I was informed we "could not bring up Bobby, resignations, the young man's expierences, the defamation issue or any angry outbursts by him." So much for Open. I countered his annoucements with "Then what's the damn point?" Ready folks? Here comes the real reason "to introduce Mike to the district. ( Of course today it makes sense since he is Area leader now.) He was also going to take the lead not Matt. So much for "Promises" made.

Obviously if the causes that brought us this far were not going to be discussed, then promises of apologies, clarification, and most important responsibility were not going to be forth coming. The lid of the cover up fell into place with a deafening clang of finality. He made it clear he knew this was important and best for this meeting, "for Mike's sake." Apparently "best" for the members sake was not. Why didn't I just hang up the phone instead of trying to salvage what was already lost. I cautioned Matt that the men were in over drive of emotions and therefore it would be better for Bobby not to come. His presence now was unnecessary and would only cause more aggravation. Matt started to object but finally agreed. I also reminded him because of past history he should contol any confrontations till he got through the door. Soon we would see these men do not heed expierence, they simply plow ahead doing what they want not what is right

Masako, Lee and I arrived very early and lo and behold there was Mike in deep conversation with the home owner who was trying to finish the yard. So much for caution. Right behind me came Charmaine and members. As I started Daimoku I worried that what was going on outside was not a good thing. I kept chanting and I waited, I wondered, I hoped. Chapter leaders Carol and Kumiko were next through the door but still no Matt. As my concern grew Mike came through the door followed by the home owner who appeared upset. As he turned to go into the other room the front door opened and in sailed Bobby.

Before I could utter one word the owner simply said you were asked not to attend correct? Bobby answered yes. The owner politely asked him to leave. Bobby replied with "but I have goodies." He was escorted to the door. I turned to Charmaine and said this is going to be a disaster, why did I ever agree. I turned and the door opened to reveal Eiko walking in . Another guest who was not going to come. The owner said he would start Gongyo until the youth division arrived. When we finished I realized that Matt had never come in. I knew something was seriously wrong. Masako and Kumiko went to the kitchen to try and reach him by cell phone. They apparently were successful when Kumiko began to speak with concern even apparent in Japanese.

Very soon I would be told Matt had arrived, confronted the home owner outside which as I understand became very heated and was asked to leave. But before any revelation to me Eiko suddenly and very angrily jumped to her feet and yelled. "This is not a zadankai house." " Never happen before in S. G. I history." "I have never seen with my eyes before." Purse in hand, she raced for the front door screaming, "I must report, I must report" as everyone watched in complete dismay. After all she is a Women's Region Leader. Masako informed Kumiko that Eiko was leaving and she simply staired and asked why? I looked at Charmaine and said: "this just keeps getting better and better.

At this point lets just cut to the fried chicken and tater salad." The look on her face said should I laugh or cry? As Eiko neared the door she confronted Masako K. yelling "you had better stop this." Masako calmly replied "just a minute Eiko how can I stop anything here this is not my house. Don't you talk to the owner's wife." The wife agreed that she could try and stop this. But Eiko never lost stride as she grabbed her shoes and sailed out the door. The wife yelled for her husband to return Eiko to the house. On the porch she loudly confronted him, she continued to yell until having taken enough he not so kindly told her to pretty much stuff it. Well so much for friendly dialogue, so far the only angry display was Eiko. Masako finally sent Kumiko to bring Eiko back and as she sat down she declared "oh I was just using my phone." That would be her last words or movement for the next 2 hours, for she would sit as if carved from stone.

Order some how returned as the owner sat down and said he had something to say. His statement was primarily his own opinions on one of the young man's situations envolving a youth division progam at the plaza. At the end he reiterated that he alone was responsible for his actions and no one had told him to or suggested he confront anyone. Next to speak was his wife, a long standing pioneer member. She said she was grateful to this district, for all she had learned. Now up to this point I had maintained my composure, but her next words broke that resolve. She said she had been stupid about understanding this Buddhisim deeply but that I had never given up on her and she now knew so much more than before.

Suddenly my world blurred and I could feel hot tears fill my eyes. There was a deep crushing pain in my heart as her words sunk in. I looked from face to face and knew everyone of them was willing to sacrifice themselves to save me, this district and to set the record straight. But the leaders faces told a much different story. This was all for nothing. A show. Nothing would be fixed that day. This was all just an empty attempt. Behind me numerous attempts had been made to get Matt to return. He rebuked every effort. At the end he wanted to speak to Mike. I could clearly hear his words as he yelled that "he (Mike) had caused this. It was his fault, his problem, so it was up to him to fix it."

My mind was screaming stop this. Stop this now. And as the tears finally spilled I yelled "stop this, this is so wrong. This has never been right and these members should not have to go through this." Masako leaned foreward and I could feel her hands on my shoulders steadying me. I will always regret not stopping the meeting. In the next moment Charmaine lunged to her feet and pointiong at Eiko yelled: "this is B---s---. This whole thing is phony." For a minute we froze startled by this totally uncharacteristic outburst. Masako softly said Charmaine sit down. Lee said this whole thing is so ridiculous but his face was showing how high is blood pressure had risen so we stopped him. As members continued to try to express what they were feeling they found Mike's face revealing his ignorance of the true situation.

Their attempts were further deflected with deft double talk. Carol stared at the carpet. And ice princess Eiko continued to sit unmoving not a muscle twitched. The leaders were expressing so much compassion and caring in that room it made you want to lose your lunch. I suddenly realized all eyes were on me because Mike was asking me a question which I had not heard. So he repeated it for my benefit. He said : "Are you S.G.I.?" Was I what? The absurdity of the question simply blew my mind and at first I could'nt reply. I finally carefully asked: "what kind of question is that?" He thought a very good one. I asked him: "is your mind working because you are now so obnoxious that you now appear completly insane." He countered my reply with a second question. "Did I want to debate him?" The members dissolved into laughter.

I simply said. "Pick a subject." I also said he might be at a disadvantage my skills in debate were finely tuned at University. He looked bewildered and the members laughter grew. I should have realized he was so misinformed that he assumed he was sent to confront some rogue, outside the S.G.I. anti whatever group. What load of BS had they fed him. Mike's great encouragement would be to put his hands as if holding a loaf of bread and saying "we are here ( ) we need to be here ()." No Mike you and the rest of your co-hearts especially Eiko are not even in the same room.

Eiko's final guidance when asked was silence. I wondered at that moment how deeply she had lied about her real involvement in this tragedy. At the end Carol stood and simply said: "I'm glad that's over." She did not look glad. Guess what Carol I wish it had never started and when it did I wish we could have counted on you. It ended like that.

I was grateful the leaders did not stay except for Kumiko. Members were bewildered and dumb founded by what had just transpired. We ate and talked and talked and talked. Let me end this chapter by stating that after the meeting, I tried on 6 seperate occassions during the remainder of the month and into November to reach Matt, not once did he return a call or e mail. I have been told that he said I was rude and abusive to him during this period, which is a little hard to do since we never spoke. I was then accused of being "violent." I am still waiting for someone to say where or even when this took place since I never saw Matt or anyone else until the 12th of December.

IF IT'S NOVEMBER **** IT SHOULD BE GENERAL MEETING

We went ahead with a modified meeting. No leaders attended, including those who said they would. After the meeting all the members and guests went to the Elephant Bar Restraunt. We all had a great time. The communication network from the Area and Chapter came to a halt. Even the one supportive vice chapter leader would change sides and said Sayonara to me. Another "friend" of 14 years was gone. The winds of change were now openly freezing. We were for all intent and purpose "cut off." As for the leaders they were writing and following their own version of member care.

IT'S DECEMBER **** IT'S A HARD CANDY CHRISTMAS

By now we felt completely alone. I decided to go to the Info night meeting and get the schedule for the members. There would be four of us. Masako had Japanese dance class upstairs and Chairmaine and the young man wanted to go with me. That night Ian McIlraith was going to attend with an up date on an on going situation within the organization, so all the area had been invited to attend if they wished. Although others spoke to us as we came in those leaders involved did not. The discussion part of the meeting was running long so Ian said he would simply stay if anyone wanted to continue talking.

After Sansho as I turned my wheelchair to leave Matt came charging up the aisle. I barely could say hello before his tirade began. He was standing in one of the rows and as I was turned sideways I was pinned by the milling members and forced to face him. There was now no way to escape. For the next 20 minutes or was it an eternity he verbally attacked me. As he went on he became more and more enraged. His face was red and he repeatedly sat or stood over me as he ranted. I never got a chance to speak but one half of a sentence and that was at the beginning. Not one other word. He had papers in his hand which he waived in the air or slapped across his hand for emphisis. His conversation was not organized but his words spoken clearly were vile and filled with hate.

His opening salvo was to compare me to the "villianous leaders in Japan who had turned on Sensei." He said he "would guarantee I would be infamous when he was "done" with me. As he continued the room slowly emptied but people were watching and listening to his attack. He said "I have been clear to the top" and "they were in full agreement." Who was the top and what did they agree to? I had no idea. Charmaine standing behind grew more tense and angry, but said nothing. I could feel her hands tighten on my shoulders. By now Matt was visably sweating and standing so close to me his knees were pressed against my legs.

At some point I have been told, my youth division and a men's division from a sister chapter went to Ian to put a stop to this treachery. His answer was "Matt is a big boy he can take care of himself." And so he went on. "I did not respect the hierarchy." "I was a transitory leader who would not be tolerated." "His next tirade would end my Soka life. He said: "You are a "small villian", a parasite that has poisioned Kosen Rufu." He went on, "you, like Nikken, will go down in history as a destroyer of Kosen Rufu." I felt like I was drowning in a sea of hate. He told me, "you have poisioned the members because you have poisioned the Gohonzon." You are poison, poison and you denegrate the Gohonzon."

As his words tore through my soul he started to reach foreward toward me with his hands. Charmaine, perhaps out of fear for my well being, instantly reacted. She put her own hands out to block him and tightly said "Don't you dare touch her. Don't you dare, you bastard." Her actions snapped me out of my shock. Matt started to speak but I cut him off and said: "No, your through. One more remark out of you and I will forget I'm a lady. I guarantee I'll say or do something that will diminish me to your level. Charmaine get me out of here." I left him sweating and breathing hard right were he was standing. I could see Carol standing to the right of the Gohonzon with her face in her hands. For a moment I watched her and I wondered sadly, how she could stand there and watch as he destroyed me. Why had she not tried to stop him? Why did she not care?

I went out the door. Hands touched my shoulders and members asked if I was okay. One said I heard that, I heard what he said. He is nothing but a filthy liar. Was I okay? My heart was pounding and I did not dare take a breath for fear I would break. I was stunned and shocked beyond words. As my youth division rushed up to my side I knew I just had to get out of the building, I wanted the night to hide in. My young man was so angry that he begged me to let him "beat the hell out of Matt."

Outside I realized I had no car keys so I sent Charmaine to get them from Masako. As she walked toward the door I cautioned her to stay away from Matt. I had never seen her so visably shaken and beyond angry. She never returned. The young man said I'll go for the keys. As I sat there I was aware of people watching in concern. I did not care. I couldn't move. The weight pressing down upon me was the realization that the very heart of me was broken and my soul dying. The keys arrived but I was too weary to get in the car so I asked him to get Masako and Charmaine and that by the time he returned I would be better. So in the night air I sat and waited and suddenly he was racing toward me yelling that Masako and Charmaine were in a heated exchange with Matt.

I felt as if this night would never end. For the last time I again entered the building and I can still see the scene that greeted me. Members were lined up by the counter with Ian in the middle. Reimi sat with her head down on her arms and the air was filled with voices coming from the Gohonzon room. As I stopped Reimi looked at me and for one instant there was sorrow in her eyes. Someone said so sorry Annsan, maybe her. The members grew quiet as I called Ian by name. As he turned I told him to "please go get my women's division out of that room this is going to stop right here and now." Yes, Annsan. As they filed out of the room Kumiko admonished me "not to pick on Matt not to hurt him." Under different circumstances that remark would have been funny. I looked at this women I once called friend and said sadly: "Kumiko you always were somewhat foolish but until now you were not stupid. Someday you will realize you chose an enemy not a friend."

I turned around for the last time in the kai-kan and saw through the door that the Butsudan was still open. Imagine, the Gohonzon had witnessed it all. These leaders did not care even for a minute where they had chosen to attack their member. I wonder if it ever crossed their minds that to slander a member, a disciple of the Buddha, is to slander the law.

Back outside the events of the evening began to weigh even more heavily on me. I could still feel every word of Matt's ripping through my mind. The protective shock of the moment was wearing off and as I got into the car drops of tears began to fall. As I pulled out of the parking space the drops were becoming a stream silently falling. The young man waved us down to say Reimi was in front of the building and actually being sick. I stopped the car and said Masako go and see if she was okay. As we waited, Charmaine's light touch on my shoulder's remindd me she was sitting foreward in the back seat. She said: "Why care? She doesn't." She was right. But I answered: "Because I am me Charmy and I never want to be like them." The tears fell harder, her fingers tightened and my life as I had known it for 25 years continued to slip painfully away.

As I drove us home I was lost in a numbing void. At one point a phone rang and I heard Charmaine quietly remark "that it was bad, they destroyed her." The days that followed were empty endless hours of the same. Tears that fell unbidden, chanting to ease the desperation and the deep concern for me from Masako, Lee and Charmaine.

As dramatic as it sounds I simply existed. Five days later Carol would call and members lives were destroyed forever. Matt is such a coward that he got a women to finish his dirty work. There was no concern for my well being she just said: "Matt wants to know if you want to continue the "dialogue" he started?" Dialogue? Oh is that what they call verbal rape and character assassination these days? "I could meet him right away at Starbucks." I think I sounded calmer than I felt when I replied: "Not in this lifetime." "Well, she said: "that's that then. The district is officially dismantled. You have been dismissed because of the charge of violent behaviour. Masako will be retired." Charmaine never even rated a mention.

She went silent at that point perhaps she expected me to agree. Actually because I possess an extrodinary imagination, I was wondering where Matt and Carol were going to find a Glad trash bag big enough to hold the members they were so casually throwing away, much like yesterdays left overs. When I finally spoke I asked her: " Carol, how does it feel to be a living Kishimojin? To have sold your soul , if you have one, to the devil?" She did not answer.

Up to that moment in all the years I have know her I had never once had cross, rude,or angry words with that women. However if I saw her today all bets are off. She wanted to speak to Masako next. I did not listen but at near the end I heard Masako ask if members were "still S.G.I.?" I understand she answered of course. She also said the chapter will be contacting them about schedules, activities and such. They were to be contacted individually.

TO THIS DAY NOT ONE MEMBER HAS EVER BEEN CONTACTED, BY ANYONE. Lee asked to speak to her. He wondered he said why and how could she do this. Who had given them the right? He said I am ashamed now to say I am 39 years S.G.I. When he hung up the phone a look of complete disdain crossed his face, like he had swallowed something bitter and vile. Mind you, Matt "the only authority" had never accepted any resignations. The district contained the YMD chapter leader who could have taken charge. And of course the big one please trust him.

THE DAYS THEN MONTHS THAT FOLLOWED...

Members reached out to other leaders included the Zone and Plaza. Anyone who showed even a slight interest never followed through. Empty calls, empty talk and more empty promises.

Who are we: Loyal, active, caring, functioning disciples of Nichiren, Sensei and S.G.I. In truth we're YOU. Any of you. We became victims of one man's jealousy, one man's delusional, devil controlled insanity, and of Senior Women Leaders who poisioned their own hearts and followed the men.

I of course know who the players were, but what nags at the mind is not so much a question as a theory. One that makes me doubt that all of this was just two men who fell into the vat of 3 poisons. I know from years of living that when men become this stupid and are willing to risk even their karmic soul a women is somewhere in the picture. I have today most of the facts but this story is based on truth not theories yet proved. So for the time being her secret is safe but time is running out and she will be revealed. All that you have read is true. It is my story, my life. All of the accusations against me still stand. In many instances I was branded by the actions of others, by their behaviour including leaders. The rest is just a lie. Not one accusation is correct.

I will go on. Because not to do so would give them complete victory and that I will deny them. They wrote and added dark pages to the history of S.G.I. and they can never escape their kamic fate. As a matter of fact they can't escape me. I am still here. I will not be silenced. I will not disappear. As Carol stated: Yes, you are all still S.G.I. members. So then there is only one way. The S.G.I. way, which means Stand up, Speak out and Fight.

Please help us to do just that.