> how did you felt this deep psychological suffering
> ? Were you shivering from fear or crying from
> loss, or ? Do you remember ?
> It's very personal but I'm anonymous here so I
> feel I can share it. I suffered from pretty bad
> social anxiety, and as a result I was very lonely.
> At that point, I had been in therapy
> (psychoanalysis) for a year. During the therapy, I
> had to verbalize every thought that occurred to
> me. That was very difficult because of course a
> lot of thoughts are very personal. But it helped
> very much, to become aware of what my "faulty
> programming" was, and how it had been installed in
> me during my early childhood. It had a lot to do
> with family circumstances.
> But finally I clearly saw that I couldn't blame
> anyone. It had been me all along that chose to
> pick up and believe the fears. I could have chosen
> otherwise but I didn't. Choosing fear was sort of
> a cop-out, a way to escape challenges instead of
> handling them. The fears just became habits. I
> could have dropped them at any point but didn't.
> It had been me all along that caused my misery. It
> had been this psychological construct consisting
> of stories I told myself about what I was and what
> reality was that was at the root of my problems.
> To accept that truth was so incredibly hard and
> painful that a single thought kept repeating on a
> loop for a whole day: I wanna die. But at the end
> of the day, I decided that I wouldn't end my life.
> Even if every next day is going to be just as
> painful, I'll just tough it out because I can't
> burden my loved ones with my suicide.
> What had helped me throughout all this was that I
> had already discovered a steady core inside me, a
> vague recognition of the unwavering observer, the
> pure core of consciousness that's unaffected by
> whatever happens. This was thanks to exposure to
> teachers like Mooji, and others whom I've done
> retreats with, and of course regular self-enquiry,
> preceded by about four years of daily meditation.
> After the psychological crisis I described above,
> I started writing with the idea that I could help
> others get through psychological hardships by
> discovering that steady core. This writing process
> invigorated my curiosity about the matter. With
> renewed interest I started exploring
> consciousness. I came up with different themes for
> meditation-sessions, such as: what is the shape of
> a thought? What does the beginning of a thought
> look like? What does its ending look like? And all
> sorts of investigations like that, that require
> meditative exploration.
> A stream of insights started to come with
> increasing frequency and intensity. This lasted
> about a week until it climaxed in what felt like
> an explosion of white light. It was the center of
> the illusion of the self-concept that seemed to
> have exploded. Ever since, that center is gone,
> but that doesn't mean at all that all the illusion
> is gone.
> I think three things played an important role in
> this process:
> 1. recognizing the self-concept as the root of my
> 2. total acceptance of my suffering, letting go of
> 3. intense curiosity about the true nature of self
Thank You, for this open, and honest letter.
And also it is hard to not blame parents,or grandmother, or uncle who were sometimes verbally agressive toward me, when I was a child. I do not know if I had a choice to not be afraid of them...now I can see more, that this was just their stressed reactive ego. I was also having no good youth,because of my own insane programming, but I learnt my lesson.
And I also suffered, but I couldn't call it that way, loneliness. All my youth was about how lonely I felt and every thing in the world had no value for me, or couldn't make me happy.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/21/2020 05:05AM by Gaja.