zizlz Wrote:
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>
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Gaja
> how did you felt this deep psychological suffering
> ? Were you shivering from fear or crying from
> loss, or ? Do you remember ?
>
>
> It's very personal but I'm anonymous here so I
> feel I can share it. I suffered from pretty bad
> social anxiety, and as a result I was very lonely.
> At that point, I had been in therapy
> (psychoanalysis) for a year. During the therapy, I
> had to verbalize every thought that occurred to
> me. That was very difficult because of course a
> lot of thoughts are very personal. But it helped
> very much, to become aware of what my "faulty
> programming" was, and how it had been installed in
> me during my early childhood. It had a lot to do
> with family circumstances.
>
> But finally I clearly saw that I couldn't blame
> anyone. It had been me all along that chose to
> pick up and believe the fears. I could have chosen
> otherwise but I didn't. Choosing fear was sort of
> a cop-out, a way to escape challenges instead of
> handling them. The fears just became habits. I
> could have dropped them at any point but didn't.
> It had been me all along that caused my misery. It
> had been this psychological construct consisting
> of stories I told myself about what I was and what
> reality was that was at the root of my problems.
>
> To accept that truth was so incredibly hard and
> painful that a single thought kept repeating on a
> loop for a whole day: I wanna die. But at the end
> of the day, I decided that I wouldn't end my life.
> Even if every next day is going to be just as
> painful, I'll just tough it out because I can't
> burden my loved ones with my suicide.
>
> What had helped me throughout all this was that I
> had already discovered a steady core inside me, a
> vague recognition of the unwavering observer, the
> pure core of consciousness that's unaffected by
> whatever happens. This was thanks to exposure to
> teachers like Mooji, and others whom I've done
> retreats with, and of course regular self-enquiry,
> preceded by about four years of daily meditation.
>
> After the psychological crisis I described above,
> I started writing with the idea that I could help
> others get through psychological hardships by
> discovering that steady core. This writing process
> invigorated my curiosity about the matter. With
> renewed interest I started exploring
> consciousness. I came up with different themes for
> meditation-sessions, such as: what is the shape of
> a thought? What does the beginning of a thought
> look like? What does its ending look like? And all
> sorts of investigations like that, that require
> meditative exploration.
>
> A stream of insights started to come with
> increasing frequency and intensity. This lasted
> about a week until it climaxed in what felt like
> an explosion of white light. It was the center of
> the illusion of the self-concept that seemed to
> have exploded. Ever since, that center is gone,
> but that doesn't mean at all that all the illusion
> is gone.
>
> I think three things played an important role in
> this process:
> 1. recognizing the self-concept as the root of my
> problems
> 2. total acceptance of my suffering, letting go of
> resistance
> 3. intense curiosity about the true nature of self
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Thank You, for this open, and honest letter.
And also it is hard to not blame parents,or grandmother, or uncle who were sometimes verbally agressive toward me, when I was a child. I do not know if I had a choice to not be afraid of them...now I can see more, that this was just their stressed reactive ego. I was also having no good youth,because of my own insane programming, but I learnt my lesson.
And I also suffered, but I couldn't call it that way, loneliness. All my youth was about how lonely I felt and every thing in the world had no value for me, or couldn't make me happy.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/21/2020 05:05AM by Gaja.