Are you angry that Pak Subuh presented himself as bringing a gift from Heaven?
Andrew, I'm angry at ANYONE who claims this or anything remotely like it. Including the members themselves who claim to receive it. I'm angry at ANY cult, EVERY religion, I'm angry at the whole world. Do you want to know why? Really? This is not a Subud issue, but it comes down to this:Most people on this planet are lying most of the time
. Most of these lies are 'below the radar' - "sure I'm good with numbers," "yeah my best friend went out with xx rock star before he was famous." they are harmless lies, but they are still lies.
What's frustrating is that everyone does it almost all of the time then refuses to own up to it. Of COURSE I received I'm the reincarnation of the Queen of Sheba. No, I would NEVER exaggerate my receivings. Of COURSE I wasn't just lying on the floor thinking about the meeting this morning. Of COURSE I was screaming because I was purifying my ancestors and NOT because of the threatening letter from the mortgage company. Me, lie? Me, exaggerate? Even a little? Never, never, never, never, never!!!
Do you know what the main piece of advice I've ever been given is? I've heard this all of my life from literally dozens
of people. No exaggeration!!! I've heard it from my dad, my boss, my tutors, helpers, and they all
say to me, when I come to them with a problem: "listen, everyone is acting. if you want to succeed, you just have to join in. nobody really knows what they're doing, you just have to pretend."
("Wish there was something real, wish there was something true..." - trent reznor)
Andrew, I don't want
to act. Ever. I don't want to have to lie about even tiny things about what I had for breakfast. I'm not ashamed of who I am
. I want to change, but I want to change for real
. meditate on the depth of that for a while and ask yourself if ever, if even for a teeny weeny tiny little moment, you've ever exaggerated your Latihan, pretended you received something that you didn't, went with the atmosphere in the group because it was easier, or sat back for a quiet life. I know that the very fact you're here and talking to me, and want to run your workshops, prove that you ARE genuine, and you genuinely believe what you're doing is right.
My problem is with Subud, yes. My problem is with both Bapak AND the membership at large. But to be honest, it's also with the whole world, the whole of human history... why can't we be allowed to be ourselves?
Bapak's "rules" made it utterly impossible for me to be myself. The Subud system, the culture, the 2G/3G crap I heard all the time (like you're a superhero for being born in Subud. that you OWE them something because they made your life so much easier by giving birth to you, and they expect high returns. very high. I wouldn't be surprised if they expected us to fly). My parents choices took away my chance for a normal life. My choices determine who I am today, but what if I don't like myself? there's no real guide out there. If my boss tells me that everyone in the room (including politicians, CEOs and senior managers) is acting, everyone is insecure, they're just acting because they have to, and I have to join in... then what? Who can I really turn to? my parents had nothing but their Subud lies. Those lies were all they ever had.
'seeker' on any path: pain ---> desperation ---> search for answer
'leader' on any path: desire for success ---> acting ---> provision of answer
that's great! everyone's happy. er... except it's not true. and not everyone IS happy. when the seeker learns his answer is false it compounds his original pain, invalidates his original search for knowledge.
you know, I'm not angry all the time. In fact most of the time I'm really quite happy, because I'm ME, I live my life, I write crap stories, take crap photographs, do crap community work and everything is fine. but I'm an agnostic, my answers have to be true, they have to be ACTUALLY true not pretend-true. just because I demand something more robust from my gurus than Bapak or Subud could ever provide, doesn't mean my pain, my questions, my desperation are any less potent than they are in anybody else.
for me the placebo is just a placebo. I have high standards yet expect nothing. how does that work? it's like standing in an empty room staring at the ceiling. or sitting on a little blue world staring at the stars.
I could never be happy in any place where I am expected to adhere to some ridiculous preconceived idea of what I'm meant to be. (yes I know THAT is going to severely impact my success in life). and yet all I feel is guilt: if I could just pretend, if I could just keep pretending, just like I used to... but I can't. whatever I experience, whatever I feel, whatever I achieve, I want it to be REAL. It HAS to be real. Otherwise we're all just alone on this overcrowded lump of rock screaming into space and staring at computer algorithms or into taco shells in the futile hope that something is screaming back.
for the record... I define agnosticism in its broadest sense. I'm comfortable with the thought of a higher power but not any definition of it so far known. If the Undefinable is true
, then it encompasses everything, everything we see. Therefore anyone claiming to come from it, who is preaching that any part of our existence is false
, is false in my mind. Maybe not yours, that's fine, we're different. Bapak claims to come from God then starts saying that women must wear make-up so their husbands don't get bored of them, or that ALL animals were put on earth for the sole purpose of serving man, or that modern cosmology is actually wrong because he's personally flown across the Universe himself, is building a foundation upon which all that follows is false.
Just the same as every other self-proclaimed prophet who starts discrediting whole populations and pretending large swathes of the Universe aren't really there. If the Undefinable does not exist, it doesn't matter. If belief in the Latihan helps some people, then great. Sugar pills for all (Maybe even a spark of the Undefinable DOES get through sometimes. I've had inexplicable experiences, they just didn't happen in the Latihan hall). But for people like me who were born being told the most ridiculous lies, and spent until about age 12 believing them, and then until about 18 TRYING to make them real, then until the present hating themselves for NOT being what they were 'supposed' to be, it's pretty angry-making.If there is an Undefinable then it is real. It is as real as the photographs from the Hubble Space Telescope. The Undefinable must be in them as well as in churches or Subud Halls. It must be in atoms, computers, and vomit-soaked streets on Friday nights. If it exists, it exists by its very nature in everything.
If it exists in everything, then no part of it can be discredited false. and if, by its nature, it is in everything, no one person can have more of a share of it than another. no-one can understand
more than another. Scientists are a bit bratty sometimes but you would never find one on stage telling the others that their results were given to them alone (yeah, I know exactly what Bapak said, and no, I don't buy it. one minute we can all experience everything for ourselves then the next we're not experienced enough, and besides he's the reincarnation of Adam. Give it a rest...).
But for the record, I have no personal problem with Mohammed or Jesus or Siddhartha or anyone who ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING. I'm happy to interpret their words in my own little agnostic bubble. Stand up for an injustice, fight for your beliefs, lead an army, just do something.
Don't just sit on a comfy chair on a raised stage in front of your lowly minions, spouting nonsense in a language none in the audience can understand, then stare into space for half an hour whilst your idiot translator attempts to summarise your wishes that everyone should start a business and make money for Subud to help Subud expand because Subud is so damn important for the world. (Read the other forum posts on different cults... notice anything familiar?)
As a side issue, I also think the Latihan itself is inherently dangerous, but I'm waaay too tired and grouchy so will cover that in a separate post. I'm you can't wait...
Back to your request, I'm still unhappy with the thought of my forum posts being read out at Christchurch - I started writing here two years ago as part of my own journey. I don't wish for that journey to be analysed by people who can -at best- only ever understand a fraction of it. I'm still happy to write and send you that summary I suggested, but I'm away a lot right now so it might take some time. When do you need it by?