All I want to do during the workshop(s) I hope to hold at the World Congress is to speak about my own feelings and needs and ask people to speak about their own. As the workshop chair, I will try and ensure that people speak about their own stuff and refrain from judging others as far as possible.
Let me try and give an example. For instance, let's say start with a quote from your last post:
I was accused of avarice and greed and of basically having a terrible character when all I wanted was to be valued and to do something good. Lifelong friends would burst into hate-fountains then turn around and say they 'received' to say all the horrible things they said.
I might then begin the discussion by saying how sad and upset I feel that Subud people would say hateful things to someone who feels it is necessary to leave Subud, because it doesn't meet my need for trusting in God by letting people find their own path in life and honouring their choices.
Someone might start telling a story about another incident this reminded them of, or start quoting Bapak (what are the chances, eh?), whereupon I would gently ask them to not tell stories but please talk about their own feelings and needs concerning your situation.
They might then say they received to say something, to which I might reflect that they felt they had received something and they needed to express it. I would then add (or someone else could) that I felt angry when I heard they had received something because it didn't meet my need for everyone to be treated and heard equally when some people claim they have a receiving from God.
And so it goes. Who knows where it will lead, but it will not degenerate into a session of name calling, that I can assure you.
I hope this gives you some idea of what I plan to do, and where I am coming from.
All I can really speak about when it comes to Subud (or anything else) are my own experiences and my own feelings and needs, which are quite different than yours. This is not to quarrel with nor invalidate your own story, at all. I just want to make it plain where I am coming from.
I was in my early 40's when I joined Subud and the small Subud group I joined consisted of about 25 people, most of them my age or older. One of the couples had just broken up and the man was with another women in the group, and the group was clearly traumatized about this - people avoided each other, it was a heavy load, etc. By this time, 1993, Subud had gone through some spectacular business failures, and people no longer had the naivety or idealism of their youth when most of them had joined Subud in the 1970s and they expected Subud to change the world. They by then had the disappointments of their own lives and failed relationships, and their own experiences with testing, from good to so-so to disastrous.
None of them, it seemed to me, was loud and insistent, but they had all been around Bapak and had had some clearly powerful experiences, and probably felt this proved he really was someone special. They were all diligent and devout and Subud (and Bapak) had become their religion. But they weren't aggressive about it, not at all.
My break with Subud orthodoxy came in 2003 when our national Subud group was trying to insert a non-discrimination clause in our national by-laws and people reacted very badly because they felt this was saying that homosexuality was OK. That was a real eye opener to me because I couldn't imagine anyone objecting. Was I ever wrong. In fact, one member showed my a book with a question and answer session with Bapak after the Briarcliff Congress in the early 1960s and it nearly made me sick, then just plain angry. It was the most dehumanizing and non-compassionate stereotyping of gay people that I could imagine and it was a wake up call to me.
From then, I began following the Subudtalk discussion group on Yahoo, and learned more and more about the origins and inconsistencies of Subud, a lot of it thanks to a fellow called Mansur Geiger (sp?) who died last year. Then two years ago, I got involved with Subudvision and have continued to learn more about the shadow side of Subud, as well as meeting people who seem to manage to avoid most of the crap and who I genuinely like and admire. As a grandfather, I especially like taking my grandkids to our regional Subud gatherings each spring. It is a wonderful experience and I am grateful to Subud for making this possible.
For me, being in Subud is like any other group. I find people I like and mostly avoid the others. I try to be respectful of everyone and ask the same in return. I'm not sure where I am going, but at my age in life (58) I feel a compelling need to make sense of my spiritual impulse and talk about it so my children (and other young people) will think it healthy and worthwhile to talk about mistakes and lost opportunities, to ask the big questions, and not to be afraid to do this. A lot of this means looking back and pointing out where I think Subud went wrong and why. (I am blessed that there's lots to talk about.) And, finally, like many Subud people, I am somewhat obsessed with the whole thing.
You ask what I find RIGHT in Subud. I have personally found latihan and testing to be beneficial and worthwhile, and I like many Subud people. Thankfully, I haven't encountered or had to deal with nutcase helpers who feel they have the right to tell me what to do. It seems these are common in some Subud groups and this is really unfortunate, but it isn't my own experience.
Now, when I read your last post, I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting that anything anyone else says can trump your feelings. But I wonder if you are objecting to this, whether it is some helper or Bapak quoter who manages to shut everyone down. It seems that Subud has not empowered you to feel confident about your choices and this is unfortunate. In fact, I wonder if the exact opposite seems to have happened.
I really am shocked that people would call you full of avarice and greed and having a terrible character for leaving Subud, and express horrible things, claiming this was received. This sounds really perverted. Do they feel so threatened by what you do and say that they are willing to forget their own humanity?
So, I am not sure that I see things differently in Subud. In fact, my goal and bottomline is to be in Subud and be completely normal, not hiding Subud from my family and co-workers, afraid and embarrassed by it, but being matter of fact and open. You say you do feel different and I can understand why this is so.
But I certainly don't feel you are a coward or quitter. I think what you have done and are doing is very courageous and admirable. I do feel privileged to have read your posts and gotten some sense of who you are.
I repeat that I hope you will send me a short summary of your story that I can use at the workshop in January. I want to reassure you that it will be treated respectfully.
Take care, Jupiter.