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karenb
But nudity does make one more vulnerable, and not just metaphorically. If you are with strangers or with anyone not your doctor/family/lovers naked, especially if you are female, you are putting yourself at risk of unwanted sexual stuff.
[b:2a17d1df74]Count me as one of the people who would have chickened out [/b:2a17d1df74]if I had paid attention in advance to the fact that the workshop I was signed up for was taking place at a "clothing optional" resort. Somehow, I just breezed right past that fact revealed in the literature I read. Of course, when I looked for it after my workshop, it was there in black and white. Must have been some kind of Freudian block.
[b:2a17d1df74]BTW, not all HAI workshops are clothing optional[/b:2a17d1df74] -- you can take your pick. [b:2a17d1df74]Some HAI workshops,[/b:2a17d1df74] such as their [b:2a17d1df74]day long "Pathways to Intimacy", and their weekend Hotel "Couples" workshops are [i:2a17d1df74]explictly NOT clothing optional[/i:2a17d1df74],[/b:2a17d1df74] and I would recommend those to anyone who wants some of the HAI experiences without seeing anyone naked!
Anyway, before I went to my first [b:2a17d1df74]HAI Love, Intimacy and Sexuality [/b:2a17d1df74] weekend workshop, [b:2a17d1df74]my prejudices were also "that nudity makes one more vulnerable, and would expose me to unwanted sexual stuff" [/b:2a17d1df74]and I probably would have [b:2a17d1df74]avoided[/b:2a17d1df74] going to some workshop where I might [i:2a17d1df74]see [/i:2a17d1df74]naked people, and I certainly would have never considered choosing to [i:2a17d1df74]be[/i:2a17d1df74] naked for part of the time in front of a bunch of strangers. Yet, despite those prejudices, I am now glad I was "exposed" to that situation.
Here is what I [i:2a17d1df74]"discovered"[/i:2a17d1df74] for myself by going to this workshop. I don't say [i:2a17d1df74]"learned"[/i:2a17d1df74], because that might imply that they [i:2a17d1df74]"teach"[/i:2a17d1df74] what I discovered. But [i:2a17d1df74]teaching dogma is not really their method.[/i:2a17d1df74] Their method is really about [i:2a17d1df74]offering you a number of thought provoking experiences[/i:2a17d1df74], and then it is up to you what you take away from those experiences. You can partake of or decline any experience or exercise you don't want.
Another way of saying this is: [i:2a17d1df74]their workshops are more like a [b:2a17d1df74]buffet [/b:2a17d1df74]than a [b:2a17d1df74]prix fixe[/b:2a17d1df74] meal.[/i:2a17d1df74] You choose what you want to take. [i:2a17d1df74]Their goal is to offer you many choices.
[/i:2a17d1df74]
In the workshop I attended, the nudity was really just one of many new experiences we were each invited to choose from; and we all made different choices. Some people were naked some of the time, and some people chose to never take off a stitch of clothing all weekend.
But even if you choose to remain clothed the whole time, there are actually still some things one might gain merely from seeing that some others made a different choice. Sometimes I find I learn a lot about myself just by seeing what I choose, and what I don't.
[b:2a17d1df74]What I got from seeing some people naked for part of a weekend was not what I would have predicted.[/b:2a17d1df74]
But I guess if you already know everything that the workshop is going to teach you there is no point in going.
Here is what I discovered from my nudity experience at my workshop:
1) I discovered that to achieve any real meaningful level of connection with someone that I don't know I have to start by [i:2a17d1df74]trusting [/i:2a17d1df74]them. To trust them I had to be able to see that [i:2a17d1df74]they are vulnerable[/i:2a17d1df74], because I wouldn't allow myself to be that open and vulnerable if I don't think they are that vulnerable too.
My unwillingness to be more vulnerable in front of strangers was getting in the way of my developing new relationships of any kind, even deepening friendships.
Instead of being vulnerable, I would play this secret game of [i:2a17d1df74]"chicken"[/i:2a17d1df74] with each stranger I met. Our words were unspoken, but if you could read our thoughts it might go like this:
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[i:2a17d1df74][b:2a17d1df74]Me:[/b:2a17d1df74] "okay, be vulnerable in front of me and then I will open up and see if I want to me more verbally intimate with you",
[b:2a17d1df74]Stranger: [/b:2a17d1df74]"Why don't you go first? You be vulnerable, and then I'll open up."
[b:2a17d1df74]M:[/b:2a17d1df74]"No, YOU go first! Be my guest, after you."
[b:2a17d1df74]S:[/b:2a17d1df74]"I couldn't be so impolite: ladies first -- I must insist."
[b:2a17d1df74]M: [/b:2a17d1df74]"No, you go first; I don't mind, after all, age before beauty ;-)"
[b:2a17d1df74]S:[/b:2a17d1df74] "ah no, you go first. Pearls before swine. ;-)"
[b:2a17d1df74]M: [/b:2a17d1df74]"Oh, never mind! this is getting much too difficult."[/i:2a17d1df74]
Now you are all probably laughing at me by this point, going: [i:2a17d1df74]"What a dumb blonde! Everyone knows you have to risk to start a relationship."
[/i:2a17d1df74]
Well, I knew that intellectually, and I thought that knowing it intellectually was enough. But that wasn't my habitual way of behaving when meeting new people. Basically, by playing chicken with them, I was denying myself the things I wanted (more love and more intimacy in my life) by refusing to be vulnerable first.
During the nudity experience I found it was much easier to get to know the other person on a deeper level, because I could SEE that they were vulnerable (naked) too. Both of us were risking. Once I got this point on a visceral rather than intellectual level and I practiced being vulnerable first (or simultaneously), I was able to build up a new habit that works even with clothed people outside the workshop! :-)
Now it is much easier for me to meet people, open up, and I am getting more love and intimacy in my life that I was missing before.
[b:2a17d1df74]Obviously, being nude in front of strangers is not the only way one might discover this insight concerning vulnerability; it just happened to be the way I discovered it (to my surprise).[/b:2a17d1df74]
2) The second "a ha!" discovery I got from the nudity experience, I don't think I could have realized without that experience. This discovery concerns my pre-existing belief that [i:2a17d1df74]being naked in front of someone means "putting yourself at risk of unwanted sexual stuff."
Yes, outside the workshop this is a very real risk. [/i:2a17d1df74] [b:2a17d1df74]For many men, [i:2a17d1df74]Naked = Ready for Sex.[/i:2a17d1df74][/b:2a17d1df74] And then I realized: how could it be any other way?
I mean, [b:2a17d1df74]if the only time a guy sees a naked woman is when he is about to have sex with her[/b:2a17d1df74], then duh! [b:2a17d1df74]he is going to make the association that if a woman is naked in front of me, then obviously she wants to have sex with me, so I should come on to her. [/b:2a17d1df74]
Of course! [b:2a17d1df74]It is like Pavlov's dogs! [/b:2a17d1df74] By only being naked in front of men when we want sex with them we have [b:2a17d1df74]operantly conditioned[/b:2a17d1df74] them to want sex when they see us naked! And society has been conditioning them like this for years!
The only way we are going to break men of their [b:2a17d1df74]conditioned response[/b:2a17d1df74] is if we [b:2a17d1df74]give men more experiences where they see naked women who [i:2a17d1df74]don't[/i:2a17d1df74] want to have sex with them.[/b:2a17d1df74]
I'll admit I was pretty prudish about being naked or even topless before. I would always wear a one piece tank suit if I was getting in a hot tub or beach.
I don't feel the need to be naked all the time now, but I have realized that sometimes when it is hot ([i:2a17d1df74]like in a hot tub, ya know?[/i:2a17d1df74]), it is a lot more comfortable not wearing a top or suit -- if you can feel safe that you aren't inviting unwelcome come ons. The fact that I give myself a choice now, regardless of which choice I make, is very empowering
3) That brings me to the last thing I discovered from my nudity experience in the workshop. [i:2a17d1df74]The HAI leaders and staff did an excellent job of making the workshop [b:2a17d1df74]a very safe place [/b:2a17d1df74]for me [/i:2a17d1df74]to discover these insights while being naked in front of people I didn't know well.
I observed that many of the men who had attended these HAI workshops before (including all the men on the support team) had already learned that "naked" does [b:2a17d1df74]not [/b:2a17d1df74]mean "wants to be approached sexually"!
[b:2a17d1df74]So obviously, if these guys could learn it, so could other men!!! [/b:2a17d1df74]
[i:2a17d1df74]Aside: Maybe such training should be manditory before men are issued their sexual equipment. ;-)[/i:2a17d1df74]
Of course, there were men there for their first workshop for whom this was indeed a new learning experience, just as it was for me. It was their first time being deprogrammed from years of operant conditioning and it took some work for them to get to the level of the other men. But I think they will find it is worth it!
So, yeah, not having learned that "naked" != "wants sex" yet, these men might make some suggestive remark or something at first, but they very quickly discover that women have a right to say no to unwelcome sexual innuendo or advances.
And some of more passive or insecure women (okay, probably just me) got some practice saying "no" to an unwanted advance without feeling like maybe I did something that led them on.
Well, maybe I did do something that triggered sexual responses [i:2a17d1df74](stimulus)[/i:2a17d1df74] in their brain -- but, hey I'm not a mind reader, and even if I was, whatever reaction they have [i:2a17d1df74](their response)[/i:2a17d1df74] is their problem, not mine!
Operant Conditioning is not a valid excuse! [b:2a17d1df74]Whether a woman is naked or clothed, unwanted touching, or unwanted sexual attention, is just not okay! Learn to ASK for permission, guys!
[/b:2a17d1df74]
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karenb
Or does this HAI group think everyone should always be 'access all areas' to everyone else?
Love
Kath
[b:2a17d1df74]If a woman is naked, it doesn't mean she is 'access all areas' to everyone; It just means she is naked, nothing more![/b:2a17d1df74]
Seeing flesh is not the same as having access rights to it! Get a clue! (I did, and I've found it comes in handy every now and again).
In short, I went to my HAI [i:2a17d1df74]Love, Intimacy and Sexuality[/i:2a17d1df74] Workshop as a ditzy blonde: clueless, shy, insecure, prudish, unconfident and lonely, and I came out changed.
Okay, honesty forces me to admit I am still blonde, and probably just as ditzy as when I went to the workshop; but at least I'm a lot more confident, open, and finding it easier to connect more deeply and meaningfully with all kinds of people: men, women, children, friends, family and yeah, maybe even in a sexual relationship.
[b:2a17d1df74]I hope that this isn't coming across as a sales pitch.[/b:2a17d1df74] Because I have no idea what YOU might get from the many different experiences they offer you over the course of the workshop. You can always opt out of any exercise you don't want to do -- no questions asked.
You might well opt out of some exercise that I did, or do one that I opted out of. For all I know, you may have already discovered all that you could learn there in some other way. So really there is nothing for me to sell.
I am just telling you what I got from these experiences, and I am trying to stress that I found that the experience that had the greatest effect was not what I expected it to be.
[b:2a17d1df74]As for the "annoying jargon" that was complained about;[/b:2a17d1df74] I think this is just a risk for any experience based workshop. The workshop experiences are complex, deep and experiential not verbal. But if you and I have a common shared experience we can recall a lot of that complexity in just a word or two by using a common jargon. And if those experiences were as significant for you as they were for me, you may well want to have a conversation about them with me.
And for anyone who hasn't had that experience this kind of "inside reference" jargon is almost always annoying, because in a sense you are excluded from the conversation -- but how could it be otherwise if they haven't shared the experience?
Just another free opinion. I have no connection to HAI, other than attending some of their workshops and other activities.
Holly [i:2a17d1df74]"This brain is marked 'dry clean only'"[/i:2a17d1df74]
[i:2a17d1df74]P.s. If you are imagining that I wrote this post in the nude, and you think that means I want sex with you and that you should send me some suggestive IMs or emails, [b:2a17d1df74]then shame on you![/b:2a17d1df74][/i:2a17d1df74]