I recently broke up with a man who I discovered was deeply involved in the Sterling Men/ Sterling Institute of Relationships after a couple of months of dating. He appears to also be involved in several similar cult-like groups and organizations throughout the Western United States (-- the names of which I unfortunately do not know). Like most people who have posted their bad experiences with Sterlingites and the Organization on-line, I feel a variety of residual emotions ranging from sorrow, vulnerability, and disbelief to anger and disgust. I have also spent a lot of time on the internet searching for answers, trying to get a better understanding of exactly what I have just lived through. For better or worse, this has been a life-changing experience that has opened my eyes to a reality that previously I did not know existed.

One thing that I have been looking for online and have yet to find is women's experiences "in bed" with Sterling Men. For the sake of discretion and keeping this forum clean, I will only say that, of the many men I have had sex with over my lifetime, this man was by far the most sexually violent of all. He also had several strange proclivities and behaviors that I have never before encountered in a mate. At the time, I honestly felt I was falling in love with him, but I also felt debased and threatened by his aggression, and I was worried what his limits might be, or if he had any limits. (In addition to his cult activities, he also claims to be a hypnotist, which is what I'd like to attribute my temporary loss of sanity to.)

What I'd like to know is if more women have experienced extreme sexual aggression from Sterling Men, or if this is an isolated incident. My knowledge of my ex-boyfriend's involvement with the Sterling Men came shortly after we became intimate. Once I became aware of the Sterling misogynistic world view, I instantly saw his behavior in bed in a much darker context (and never had sex with him again). I'm concerned that sexual violence is something that is promoted by the Organization, and that women are just too embarrassed to talk about this painful aspect of their failed relationships with Sterling Men. It is very difficult for me to admit to having been complicit in my own debasement, which is why they sometimes call it "sexual abuse," I guess. Beyond my own embarrassment, however, I think it's really important to get this topic out there for discussion. If it turns out that my experience was not just an isolated event, then there is something even more serious and f-ed up going on with the Sterling Institute of Relationships than has yet to be exposed. I am deeply worried about any women who may be currently involved with men who feel as though Justin Sterling has given them license to become abusers. If these types of groups are actively condoning sexual violence, then there needs to be a major awareness campaign out there to protect women.

Hi Nancy,

I've only just read your post and I think you've raised a valid area of topic. I'm glad that you've posted what you have and would encourage you to continue to post (or just lurk) on the board. You've really given me some extra food for thought and I'm thankful you were good enough to post of your experiences here.

John

Thanks! I'm a lurker, for sure. Having come so close to something this weird and disturbing, it's hard not to be more than a little obsessed. Even from my limited exposure, I'm sure there's a lot more to Sterling than is currently known by the interested public, and I'd be surprised if any of it was good. I had hoped that more women would respond to my post, but maybe this means that my experience was an isolated incident with someone with profound psychological problems. Alternately, since my experience was limited to such a short period, maybe it was just easier for me to swallow my pride and get it all out into the open. Even still, knowing myself, it's hard to believe that I tolerated this man's bizarre and violent behavior, even temporarily.

Anyway, to change the topic slightly, I was fortunate to catch a great show on hypnotism last night on PBS! It appeared to be a little on the old side (more than ten years old, I think), but it touched lightly on mind control and cults. I kept holding my breath, hoping they'd talk about some of the groups that concern me the most, but alas, it ended up being pretty general.

I just hope that someday soon the lid will get blown off all these dangerous groups so that they are exposed for what they are. The lack of public awareness about cults is pretty much akin to a world where people have never heard about AIDS, or that smoking is bad for them. My view of the world has certainly changed since I became aware of this problem.

Hi Nancy,
My experience in a cult was unlike yours however you're right on with how you feel about cults in general. I agree with the fact to just bare all because that's the only way these prediters can be exposed. For many, duped by a cult leader, there is a period in which you feel like what the hell was I there for. You feel like people will judge you forever.

I had an experience where I was completely isolated from the outside world. Forbidden to have any relations with the opposite sex. Now, leaving the cult at the age of 28, put two and two together.

We were told that we were never mature enough in the "spirit" to handle a relationship. I'm just as flipped out as you are, but with the fact that I never experienced anything with a man until i left. Now that to me is weird and sick.

Then after i was out I ended up marrying the first man that fell in love with me- I guess to make up for lost time. I divorced him and just got on with surviving life. One thing after another has happened and I never got hooked up with anyone else. I've literally only had a few dates with a few typical lets go to my place kind of guys. So in a way I can say I've never had a boy friend. Pitiful. What the hell. I've been out of the cult for 14 years now just surviving and taking care of my daughter, elderly mom, and disabled sister. Every mature guy that i've ever known is married. So what do i even talk about my life with friends-not a whole lot. I just keep plugging forward and sharing things on this forum because at least here there isn't anything too strange or rediculous that someone hasn't gone through.

Thanks for sharing. It will help a lot of women who read what you've been through, even if they don't respond to your particular situation. So many are afraid to come forward out of embarressment.

FF

I was involved with Sterling for a while. Feel free to ask me anything.

Dave

Hi Dave,

How did you first get involved, what did you observe happening while you were there, and what/how (if applicable) caused you to leave?

John

I did the weekend in the early 90's. I cannot say that it was a bad experience. And it is fair I to say that it did help me with a lot of lingering emotional probelms I was having, and it helped me to find some direction in life. I felt empowered and strong for a while after doing the weekend. I did join a Men's Team and did a Point Program as well. This is an optional follow-up program to the Weekend. This was a good experience as well except that I felt we were being pushed and manipulated. During this part of Sterling I became skeptical and began to feel as though I was in a cult. The pressure to enroll other men was crazy. I did ultimately leave.

I became involved again last year and I thought it was going to be different. I was wrong. The organiztion had re-structured but the same pressure to enroll was there. I met some good men there. Many of whom I have stayed in touch with.

I am not here to bring Sterling down or attempt to destroy it. Many others out there are doing a fine job at that, and I believe it is Sterling's comeuppance for operating the way it does/has. I am here to offer the truth. There are good men involved and there are morons. For some it is life changing, and for others it a waste of money and time. On this site I have read some awful things about it and I have a hard time believing that it was the Weekend that compelled the man to be like that. Personally, I think it is the man. If men I know through Sterling knew I behaved that way it would not be tolerated. Doing good things was encouraged and praised. But I think that was part of the scam. To improve the image of Sterling. Do good, do good, do good, and then come out of the closet as a Sterling-man and Sterling looks like a great thing.

To put it simply: Once you have money involved and an unbalanced devotion to the views and opinions of one man you have a cult. And to be involved you have to enroll. You have to.

If someone is considering doing the Weekend I am here to offer the truth. If you are a woman and concerned about a friend, brother or the man in your life doing the Weekend - I will try to be as helpful as I can.

I left for good because I did not feel there was anything to be gained there. It felt just like a cult, still. My enrollment possibilities (no brothers and I had talked to friends) had been exhausted and I was no longer needed there. So I was pushed out. It was all about enrollment. I am divorced with a boy, I work two jobs and I have no time for enrolling men for the Weekend. But they do not care. Enroll, enroll, enroll.

I hope this is helpful. Again, ask anything you wish to ask.

Dave

Maybe it was just the guy -- it was at least partially the guy because he is still responsible for his own actions to some degree, but I've read enough tid bits in other people's posts to see some uncanny similarities in behavior and to get a better understanding of the philosophies that would condone emotional cruelty and physical violence towards women if interpreted to their extreme -- Men are "jerks" and that's just the way it is according to Justin Sterling, right?

I think the 'men are jerks' thing is about forgiving themselves for times they were not at their best and have made mistakes in their life. It is not a free-pass for emotional cruelty or anything like that. Please know - I am not one of the brain-washed goofballs. I have left the orgaization and will not return. There is a lot wrong with them.

I will bet that I have read the same things you have. Some of them anyway. In the years of involvement I never heard of anything like that except once. And I knew that man pretty well, and he had issues. This happened long after he did the Weekend and I do not believe there is any connection whatsoever. FYI: I treat women like gold, kids, and men in my life too. So does the man who introduced me to the Weekend. I do good in this world and intend on continuing with that. That is why I am here. I want people to know the truth about the organiztion and its tactics.

I met some screw-balls at the Weekend and I did not believe that any self-help seminar or therapy was going to help these men. Many others agreed with me on this. I do not want to be labeled as 'bad' because I happened to have done the same men's weekend that a complete screw-up did.

You wrote "........if interpreted to their extreme" BINGO! That is one of the problems with Sterling. Every one's interpretation is slightly different - the same way every one is different. My biggest problem is the organization itself and not all the men involved. Enroll, enroll, enroll. From the top down it is pounded into your head and you feel like a puppet.

If you are in a relationship and the man is emotionally cruel to you it is time to leave. I have sisters and I would give them the same advice. And I would not tolerate any man being cruel to my sisters.

Has anything "Sterling" directly affected you in your life? Or friends/relatives?

I hope this answers your questions.

Dave

Nancy,

I just reread the the post you made on November 11 and the answer to my question is 'yes.' Sorry.

Some men suck. Simple as that. There are good men out there. Do not be discouraged by the actions of one.

Dave