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How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: PowerofNo ()
Date: November 15, 2016 02:28AM

Hello everybody. This is my first post here. I wanted to share my experience with the so-called 'teachings' of Eckhart Tolle. I know ET has been discussed on some other threads on here, but those discussions seem to have died down which is why I'm doing this as a new topic. I apologise if that's not the protocol.

This is going to be quite a long, rambly personal account. Again, apologies!

About two and a half years ago, having struggled with depression and anxiety since the age of about 13, being at that time 21, I reached a very low point as a result of which I ended up seeing a psychologist. Her 'prescription' was that I learn some mindfulness meditation practices, following an eight-week course. I was initially skeptical, but gradually as I practised some mindfulness every day and continued to see her, I felt much improved. Things didn't become rosy - by no means - but the attitude of kind acceptance I learned to take towards myself helped me to persevere through difficult moments and find more enjoyment in my life.

Fast forward six months, and a good friend tells me that a mutual friend of ours has had his life completely transformed by this book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. My mum, as it turns out, had also recommended this book to me on a previous occasion, and so hearing it mentioned again I guess my curiosity passed a certain threshold. So, reading it went on my list of things to do.

One morning I woke up after a night of heavy drinking - which, on reflection, I think might have made me more suggestible than usual - and decided to dig it out - I was at my mum's house and she had a copy - and read it. I was immediately captivated. In the book, Mr. Tolle asks you to pause after certain passages and reflect on the truth of what you have just read, and doing this I really did feel it, it was all true, every word. By the time I'd finished reading it, I was convinced of two things: 1) that Eckhart Tolle was enlightened; and 2) that my life from hereon out would be painless and filled with ecstatic joy.

As it turned out, the initial ecstasy that I felt upon reading the book didn't last longer than a couple of days. But I remained convinced of the core message, and of Mr. Tolle's enlightenment and hence also his infallibility. Clearly, if things were happening in my life that did not fill me with the 'joy' of which he spoke, it was my own fault for not maintaining a state of 'conscious presence'. Thus, very subtly, very innocuously, I began to blame myself for anything that went wrong in my life, any moment I didn't enjoy. It was my thinking that made it so. I needed to stop thinking, to never think. For unless I did, I would be contributing to the collective human "insanity", as he calls it, of 'ego', the source of everything evil. What a burden!

In any case, for the next 18 months I lived in the belief that I could make life blissful just by suppressing my thoughts. My mind was my number one enemy, the only real enemy. I continued to meditate, but my meditation became more about suppressing thoughts and chasing bliss than about noticing and being with whatever arose, as it had been before. Generally I lived in a state of ecstatic mania, but there were some big 'crashes' as well. But, rather than investigating what these were, I just tried to erase them. I already knew all the answers. If I was suffering, it was because I was thinking. My manic happiness soon returned after these 'crashes', and I essentially just pretended to myself that they never happened.

Then, about 6 months ago, although I was and remain mostly teetotal, I decided to take LSD at a music festival. I was under some pressure from a friend, but I also believed that I was at such a level of 'enlightenment' that I was incapable of having a bad trip, because I was incapable of suffering - yes, that's how much of a narcissist I'd become. I also reasoned that even if I did have a bad trip - even if it was bad enough to destroy my life - it wouldn't matter, because nothing bad can ever really happen in infinity; the self that suffers didn't really exist, and so it didn't matter what I threw myself into. It horrifies me now that I could have such a reckless disregard for my own wellbeing, and justify it based on some hokey philosophy. But I was in deep.

I did have a bad trip, very very bad. I felt like I had no control over anything: not my thoughts, not my body, nothing. Everything was just happening and I couldn't affect it in any way, just watch. I also experienced the agony of solipsism, of everything and everybody being merely a figment of my imagination. I guess I saw the hellish implication of some of my guiding beliefs, courtesy of Mr. Tolle.

Since that experience, things have remained pretty hellish. I've had almost constant, horrible depersonalisation and derealisation. People look unreal, like they're made out of plastic or something, and sometimes they twitch like images on an old TV with a bad signal. It's so terrifying that I often find it impossible to be in the company of others. I've become very solitary. I had to quit my job because of the fear. I've also been extremely depressed. I've been thinking about suicide a lot.

Through this intense suffering, I've been constantly trying to get back to the state of 'conscious presence', which I know is the answer to all my problems. In desperation, I turned back to some of the most obscure passages of Mr. Tolle's books, such as where he talks about the need to (paraphrasing) "keep some awareness in the inner body at all times". I've been driving myself crazy trying to apply that particular nugget. But whatever I do, my awful suffering remains, making me feel tremendously - cosmically - inadequate.

Only recently, having started psychotherapy and also discovered this forum, have I started to reevaluate the core belief behind this thinking. Why do I think that I am responsible for all my suffering, and that there's something I can do to make it all stop in an instant? The answer I've arrived at is this: because Eckhart Tolle says so, and he's enlightened. How do I know he's enlightened? Because... he says so. Or, to be exact, he says he lives in a state of "continous presence", which in his language is enlightenment.

But if I doubt his infallible teachings - or, 'the' teaching, as he arrogantly calls it - that's my wicked mind trying to deceive me. Isn't it? What a perfect trap Mr. Tolle lays for his victims. They're not allowed to question a word he says, because the very act of questioning is a kind of supreme evil.

Apologists for Mr. Tolle might refer to the passage in the Power of Now where he says not to take his words too literally, but rather to 'feel the truth behind them' or somesuch. Fine. But why the hell go to the trouble to write multiple books and give endless lectures laying out this complex belief system if we're not supposed to take the words seriously? And surely, if he's enlightened, it's reasonable for us to think there must be SOME sense behind his spiels - otherwise why would he be sharing them with us?

Going forward, I'm trying to be more accepting of myself, mind and all. But it's hard. The internalised voice of Mr. Tolle continually rears up and tells me I'm submitting to the evil will of ego, and so sealing my fate. This... person has really done a number on me. Of course, I recognise that it's because of my own vulnerability that I allowed him to take advantage of me in this way. It's my wish to escape from my problems and from the parts of myself that I don't like, that motivated me to believe this garbage. But that doesn't excuse Mr. Tolle, I don't think.

Another big struggle for me at the moment is to separate all these destructive beliefs and assumptions from anything that might be of value underneath. For now, I still practice mindfulness every day, but it's hard to reclaim it from all the perversions of Tolle. I'm starting to think that part of the reason his manipulation is so successful is that he mixes in some sound pieces of wisdom and advice along with all the sick-minded stuff. Nasty trick.

I'm sharing this story to warn other people who might have some of the same vulnerabilities as me - don't give your mind away to this cruel, self-annihilating philosophy! Please, please think critically about it. It can lead you to some truly horrible places.

As a last word, I want to thank everybody who posts on this forum, and everybody involved in the website generally. You provide such a necessary and humane service. I've got a long way to go in my recovery, and to be honest, I'm still not convinced I will make it, but reading some of the posts here encouraging critical thought has given me hope - where before there was none.

Thanks for reading.

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Re: How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: PowerofNo ()
Date: November 16, 2016 03:00AM

I wanted to lay out some of the tricks that I've started to become aware of Mr. Tolle using.

Tolle's Tricks

Trance Induction and Hypnotic Suggestion

In the Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle encourages you to not think about what you are reading, but instead to (paraphrasing) "feel the truth" of it. If your mind raises any doubts or concerns, he says that you should cast these aside. His teachings are not meant to be understood on an intellectual level, he says. All of this, it seems to me, is geared at lulling the reader into a trance-like state, in which Mr. Tolle's suggestions are more likely to sink deep into their psyche.

Throughout the book, he consistently talks about his ideas in a detached way, in keeping with his assertion that they are not 'his', but rather are universal truths. He continually puts to the reader that they already know everything he is saying is true, deep down. This disguises the fact that they are subjective interpretations, and again makes them more likely to penetrate the resder's psyche, especially if he succeeds in putting them into a more suggestible state.

Threat of Hell

Eckhart Tolle says that 'ego' is the source of all evil. If you are in the 'ego' state, true happiness is unattainable, and everything you do will be tainted. You will be part of the (paraphrasing) "collective insanity" that led to events such as the Nazi Holocaust. Scary stuff. He gets the reader into a state of fear of this condition of 'ego', then offers to liberate them from it by teaching them how to live in a state of "no mind". Classic fear-mongering tactics, no different in kind to what you'd get from a 'fire and brimstone' fundamentalist Christian preacher.

Promise of Heaven

As well as threatening us with this terrible stick, Eckhart also dangles a lovely carrot. If we disidentify from the 'ego' by living in a state of 'no mind', we will experience permanent joy. Everything in our lives will be transformed in a positive way. He talks about how, for example, in conversations with people we will spontaneously come out with witty and brilliant things (as somebody who has struggled with social anxiety, this especially appealed to me).

I notice that by detailing how sexy and zen we'll become if we follow his teachings, he's appealing directly to what he terms our 'ego' - ironically. Likewise by threatening us with how horrible our lives are sure to be if we don't follow his teachings.

Reflected Credibility

Mr. Tolle continually invokes Buddhism and mindfulness meditation. Since his readers are predominantly Westerners, and Western festishisation of Eastern religion being what it is, they are likely to associate these things with 'authentic' spirituality - as well as knowing very little about them. Thus, Tolle is able to bask in the reflected glory of Buddhism, as well as claim that his ideas are a valid interpretation of what it teaches.

Another trick is that he mixes in sound advice and ideas from Buddhism and other religious and spiritual traditions with his own nihilistic, masochistic garbage - and then claims they are all getting st the same thing. Thus, the reader comes across a passage which seems to describe a fairly benign approach to meditation, for example, and then assumes that Tolle's more ostensibly counter-intuitive - not to mention dogmatic - teachings must be similarly benign.


Mr. Tolle intimates that he is enlightened. He says that he lives in a state of 'continuous presence', and 'presence', he says, is the state referred to be Eastern religions as 'enlightenment'. Thus, he encourages the reader to see him as infallible, and therefore beyond reproach and doubt. He does say not to take his words too literally, but only because words can never capture reality, "only point to it" - so not because he is untrustworthy, or even just fallible like everybody else, but for theoretical reasons to do with the nature of language. As a perfect, egoless, enlightened being, the reader is encouraged to believe that nothing Eckhart Tolle does could be anything other than perfectly benevolent and well-judged. If his teachings cause them pain, it must be their fault, not his.


I'm sure there's much more to be said, but I'm still pretty terrified of going back to look at his books or listen to his pontifications at this point. Hence, also, the paraphrasing. I'm pretty confident that they're accurate, but if anybody wishes to challenge me, feel free. Also feel free if you wish to add another trick to the list.

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Re: How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: PowerofNo ()
Date: November 16, 2016 04:21AM

Another one I forgot to include.


Eckhart Tolle says that only those who are "ready" for his teachings will recognise their truth. This makes the reader think that if they believe the teachings, they must be special. If you are prepared to give your mind away to Tolle, you must be more evolved and more enlightened than the average person.


By the way, I should say that I've taken some of these insights from things other posters have said in different threads on the forum, although some of them are my own. I just thought it would be useful to compile them all in one place.

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Re: How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: corboy ()
Date: November 17, 2016 11:45AM

What "powerofno" has written is fascinating.



Eckhart Tolle says that only those who are "ready" for his teachings will recognise their truth. This makes the reader think that if they believe the teachings, they must be special. If you are prepared to give your mind away to Tolle, you must be more evolved and more enlightened than the average person.

Three years ago, this was noted by another visitor to the message board:



Re: Eckhart Tolle "advaita"

Date: July 28, 2013 10:28AM

Something Tolle says at the beginning of one of his books, I think it's A New Earth, seemed like an innocuous sentence until I started seeing it elsewhere and noticing a pattern:

"If you are [ready/awakened/enlightened] you will [hear/resonate with] these words as true."

Like "the emperor's new clothes"? If you're one of the cool kids you'll be able to see them?

So we have not only social pressure to be part of the "enlightened in-crowd", but also a convenient logical loophole to dismiss doubters. If someone comes in and says "this is bunk", the reply can be "well, you're just not enlightened enough to understand it yet."

Here is another possible hazard:

Getting involved not only with ET's material, but with the with the social scene that has condensed around Tolle's teachings.

We are tremendously influenced by the company we keep, both in person and via social media.

Once one socializes and then forms friendships with others who use ET as their source of guidance, any doubts one has may be stifled for fear of losing these new friends.

This is also a social milieu that, though interested in ET, is guru-centered, guru-hungry.

Which means a hunger for authority figures and specialness.

If you cannot be a guru yourself, you can be nearly as special by believing in gurus. You can smile at the inferior folk who do not venerate gurus.

You also become part of the entire tribe of persons who venerate gurus. It is a very warm and cozy environment with an insta-intimacy.

Anyone who dares express doubt, misgivings or reports harm is written off as egotistical and inferior, so people will often feel afraid to speak up and challenge this status quo.

In the guru scene claims of enlightenment are welcomed and anyone who questions such claims is written off as inferior and negative. Worse, there is a habit of submissiveness to anyone making claims to special status via alleged enlightenment.

This is also a ready made scene that can be exploited by recruiters for gurus more dangerous than Tolle.

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Re: How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: westie ()
Date: October 24, 2017 08:09PM

Thank you for your post, you explained it so clearly. I can relate to everything you stated. My experience is very similar , but was connected to Gestalt therapy ,and Transactional Analysis Therapy. The last four years have been traumatic for me. I have gone to the brink of suicide to, I have lost all my identity and doubt every word that I speak and think . I won't go into the brainwashing that these so called therapies fill your mind with , as it another topic that I will hopefully post on in due time , I wish you all the luck in the world with your recovery,and a return to a more peaceful mind and a feeling of ease with yourself.

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Re: How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: corboy ()
Date: October 25, 2017 10:34PM

Another person 'Brainwashed90' came to CEI reporting they'd had problems after exposure to the Tolle material.

Ignore what discussant 'dsm' wrote. dsm turned out to be a Help Troll and was banned by the moderator.


* Any time trolls arrive, especially if one or more trolls takes time as dsm did to write detailed replies, this signals that a discussion is taking a direction disliked by the cult and, possibly its senior leaders.

Repeat, sections of a discussion that attract trolls are likely to be
highly informative.

What follows are some analyses of Eckhart Tolle by 'The Anticult' a CEI message board participant who understood a lot about sales techniques, methods of persuasion, and trance induction.


When The Anticult showed up in discussions of Byron Katie and proceeded to
analyse scripts of her talks and identified specific trance induction methods, those discussions were soon innundated by trolls - a sign that this was stuff
that the "Englightenment Industry" did not want the public to know.

More analyses of Tolle by The Antcult


Tolle branding himself to sell products


Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2017 10:13PM by corboy.

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Re: How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: PowerofNo ()
Date: November 27, 2017 04:53AM

Thanks westie, that's kind of you to say, I appreciate it. Likewise, I wish you well with your own recovery, whatever form it's taking. I'll look out for your story if and when you choose to publish it on here, as if you've felt able to relate to mine I'm sure I'll be able to relate to yours.

And corboy, thanks for your responses. I've been through all the other Eckhart Tolle threads on here and a lot of the stuff in them has been very helpful in giving me some different perspectives. As for what you say about social milieux, I have had some experience of that, having dabbled in some New Agey circles during my "enlightened" phase (scare quotes heavily emphasised). Fortunately I didn't get in too deep with them, but I certainly got a taste of the way that social pressure can reinforce ideas even if they are highly questionable assumptions about reality.

It's been a very difficult year and I'm still struggling a lot with my mental health, but my ideas and perspectives have changed a great deal, in ways that I could never have anticipated at the point where I was initially breaking down, when I felt as if there was no way forward. To be so completely convinced of the Eckhart Tolle worldview and then for that reality bubble suddenly to burst felt pretty much like death; but as it turns out, life does go on. My struggles continue, and I don't expect them to end any time soon, but I have some hope for the future where previously there was none.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/27/2017 05:00AM by PowerofNo.

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Re: How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: corboy ()
Date: November 27, 2017 10:03PM

<<High five>>

Wishing you all the best for this winter season, which in so many parts of the world, is celebrated with festivals of light.

Here's an example of how personal hopes plus social context affect one's beliefs.

Stephen Batchelor tells this about himself back when he was a practicing Tibetan Buddhist and friends with a group of young Westerners who had, like himself, taken vows as Tibetan Buddhist monks.

Batchelor tells, how as a young convert to Tibetan Buddhism, he convinced himself that he had witnessed a yogi sorcerer perform a miracle.

Batchelor gives us the setting.

Dharamsala, 1973. Impressive, exotic.


A white canvas awning, straining and flapping in the wind, was strung in front of the Library of Tibetan Works and Archives. Beneath it sat a huddle of senior monks in burgundy robes, aristocrats in grey chuba robes, and the Indian Superintendant of Police from Kotwali Bazaar.

I joined a crowd gathered on a large terrance below and waited for the proceedings to begin. The Dalai Lama, a spry man of thirty-eight, strodue onto the impromptu stage. The audience spontaneously prostrated itself as one onto the muddy ground. He read a speech, which was barely audible, above the wind,
delivered in rapid fire Tibetan, a language I did not yet understand, at a velocity that I would never master. Every now and then, a drop of rain would descent from the lowering sky.

Nearby, on a ledge, a lama-sorcerer conducted a ritual to delay onset of the rain so the Dalai Lama could finish the lecture.


A white robe, trimmed in red, was slung carelessly across his left shoulder. When he wasn't blowing his horn, he would mutter what seemed like imprecations at the grumbling clouds, his right hand extended in the threatening mudra, a ritual gesture used to ward off danger. From time to time,
he would put down his thighbone (trumpet) and fling an arc of mustard seeds against the ominous clouds.

Then there was an almighty crash. Rain hammered down...the noise went on for several minutes. The lama on the hillside stamped his feet, blew his thighbone,
and rang his bell with increased urgency. The heavy drops of rain that had started falling on the dignitaries and the crowd abruptly stopped.

Next, Batchelor describes the effort of being in a group.


After the Dalai Lama left and the crowd dispersed,I joined a small group of fellow Injis. In reverential tones, we discussed how the lama on the hill--whose name was Yeshe Dorje--had prevented the storm from soaking us.
I heard himself say: "And you could hear the rain still falling all around us:
over there by the Library and on those government buildings behind us as well."

The others nodded and smiled in awed agreement.

Here, Batchelor steps aside and tells on himself.


Even as I was speaking, I knew I was not telling the truth. I had heard no rain on the roofs behind me. Not a drop. Yet to be convinced that hte lama had prevented the rain with his ritual and spells, I had to believe he had created a magical umbrella to shield the crowd from the storm. Otherwise,
what had happened would not have been that remarkable.

Who has not witnessed rain falling a short distance away from where one is standing on dry ground? Perhaps it was nothing more than a brief mountain shower on the nearby hillside.

None of us would have dared to admit this possibility. This would have brought us perilously close to questioning the lama's prowess and, by implication,
the whole elaborate belief system of Tibetan Buddhism.

Batchelor reveals yet more:


For several years, I continued to peddle this lie. It was my favorite (and only example) of my firsthand experience of the supernatural powers of Tibetan lamas. But, strangely, whenever I told it, it didn't feel like a lie. I had taken the lay Buddhist precepts and would soon take monastic vows.
I took the moral injunction against lying very seriously. In other circumstances, I would scrupulously, even neurotically, avoid telling the slightest falsehood.

Yet somehow, this one did not count.

At times, I tried to persuade myself that perhaps it was true: the rain had fallen behind me, but I had not noticed. The others -- albeit at my prompting--had confirmed what I said. But such logical gymnastics failed to convince me for very long.

"I suspect my lie did not feel like a lie because it served to affirm what I believed to be a greater truth. My words were a heartfelt and spontaneous utterance of our passionately shared convictions. In a weirdly unnerving way, I did not feel that "I" had said them. It was as though something far larger than all of us had caused them to issue from my lips".

(Confession of a Buddhist Atheist - Stephen Batchelor, pp 3 -5.

"I wanted to believe all this. Never before had I encountered a truth I was willing to life for.

"Yet as I now see it, my lie did not spring from conviction but from lack of conviction.

"It was prompted by my craving to believe."

(Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist, page 5)

Batchelor does not say so, but there may have been something else at work.

Sharing miracle stories creates an intimate bond. Sharing miracle stories also creates a tribe.

Those who tell the stories are the in group, the tribe. Those who are skeptical are the outsiders.

In a lonely world, it is wonderful to find or create a tribe.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/27/2017 10:25PM by corboy.

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Re: How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: langlorimer ()
Date: May 18, 2018 06:03PM

“You could jump out of a window”, he said. I did. Fortunate to be alive I followed this Yoga Cult Master for years. Others have died but no one believes my story. The police laugh, therapists don’t get it. Friends and family think it’s my defect. Psychic development is what he is famous for. How to acquire the supernatural abilities through studying the mind. It is what seduced me being a psychology major. An experiment I was told I was involved in to see if I could transcend the physical plane by trusting the mind of the Guru. In studying traditional Yoga a disciple unites his consciousness with the Godhead, the leader of the cult to reach nirvana. Things got a bit traumatic when he wanted me to go to Israel to help people using a Siddhi (supernatural ability) he showed me. I ran and for that I was told I would shoot myself in the head by his wife.

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Re: How Eckhart Tolle took me to the brink of suicide
Posted by: sashah ()
Date: February 20, 2020 12:31PM

Hello everyone! I apologize if I formatted this different, this is my first time on this forum. I appreciate this thread so very much.

Thank you so much "PowerofNo", for sharing such vital information. And everyone else here for their posts. Never have I felt so understood before. Your first two posts resonated so deeply with me, I felt like I was the same person as you.

Unfortunately for me, I did not see your post until now (just after I realized the depth of my brainwashed, miserable mind and the harm these 'leaders' have caused), years after I got deep, so very deep into this mess. It makes me sick to know how evil people like "Toll". Yuck. Most fitting to be a narcissist.

I fell into this terrifying brainwashing rabbit hole about 2 years ago. I had been abused all my life, I had no support system, so I had very low sense of who I was, I had low esteem, I constantly doubted my abuse, and on top of that I was trauma bonded to several of my abusers (which I was unaware was even a thing), so I felt this deep need to sympathize with my tormentors, to minimize the abuse, to think maybe there is no 'good' and 'evil' (which I found out later was a symptom of the bond, not 'normal', there is no reason to have sympathy for abusers), to think maybe no one should carry guilt for anything, maybe evil people are just innocent, maybe evil people are 'just hurting'. It sickens my soul to remember how vulnerable I was. What made me so susceptible to thinking that maybe abusers just need more support, more understanding, is that my cult leader at the time, who was a trademark psychopath, was shoving that "ego isn't real" "ego is evil" "abusers are victims" slimy sewage down my throat. I trusted him, so you can imagine how that influenced me... So, I was, you could say, a prime target of these predators who target the most vulnerable, insecure people for their mind control. I was a prime target for people like Toll, and their 'enlightenment' books. Thus, how I came across teachers like ET, other 'enlightenment' gurus and 'meditation' teachers who probably also had the same sick objective. That just pushed me farther down the rabbit hole to complete loss of identity.

I experienced the same exact loss of self, perception....everything almost completely dissolved...all because I had no one to support me except for the cult leader who has spouting this ego shit. I believed my teacher because he was very charismatic and I believed there was something almost mystical, secretive, and life transforming about him. In reality, he was just a charming psychopath who wormed his way into my life. It drew me in. Well, that charm probably had something to do with the narcissistic psychopath's inflated ego, that is so convincing to people unaware of these monsters. Funny, eh? The most narcissistic, egotistical fucks are the ones preaching how the ego is evil and must be destroyed.

Because of people like Toll, apparently I am not the only one who gets sucked into this dark path. I was deep, deep into this shit for two years. It destroyed me. I lost everything physically (after all, every material thing we have we only like because of our 'ego' therefore we should need to get rid of it to reach true enlightenment) and almost everything about me, mentally. It destroyed every aspect of my life - my education, my friends, my physical health, my mental heath (for fucks sake)...I was a shell. I had no self esteem. I thought anything I enjoyed, anything I wanted, anything other than this "present moment" sort of ego-dissolved happiness, I felt terribly, terribly guilty over. I came to think that there were no good people and no bad people; no predators, no victims...everything I felt was imagined. Thus, there was no me...just a body...and I needed to get rid of my self, my personality, my ego, in order to reach true enlightenment that these disgusting manipulative predators are pushing. I convinced myself that I was a bad person. This, my friends, is exactly the objective of people like Toll. They know what they are doing; they know that by us getting 'rid' of our egos, that we will be 100 percent vulnerable for whatever evil abuses they decide to put us through, and we will be sitting ducks...because, after all, pain does not exist, perception is all in the mind, and if we get rid of ego and our self, we will not be suffering anymore. I was already primed to this loss of self because of my past abuse and being exposed to these books by people I trusted, but it wasn't until my hand was guided by a mentor of mine that I truly went head first into this hell. Arguably the worst of what comes out of this nonsense is the abuse apologists. I did not become one, but I did fall into believing what my stockholm syndrome also thought...that abusers are not bad people, that they need to be fixed by us, and that any pain you experience (e.g. being raped) is not real, thus if you are crying in the counseling session about how much it demolished your self worth, sense of safety and trust in people, how much it ripped you into shattered pieces, then you are just in the 'ego' brain, and it is YOUR fault for feeling/perceiving the 'pain', the pain is not real, it is just in your mind, thus, none of your feelings are valid, you were never raped, you just need to 'open' your mind to the 'present moment', you 'feeling pain' is just your ego fighting to stay, but the ego is bad, the ego is evil, the ego must be let go. Nothing you experience is valid, nothing is real. If you cling on to these "memories" "feelings", you are clinging onto your ego, and that is not acceptable, and you will be doomed to misery.

I spent two years trying so hard to accept this lie that the ego must be dissolved. I spent two years feeling guilty EVERY DAY every time I experienced normal human emotion. I did not process my abuse, I was definitely in the position to many times in counseling, but because of this brainwashing, I thought I was inherently evil for ever feeling hurt and abused, so I forced that pain inside, I told myself (as much as it hurt) that the pain wasn't real, that I just percieved being raped wrong, that my abuser is just in pain, more than me, so I spent two years wanting to die because I felt so terribly guilty for 'being resistant' to 'enlightenment'/'ego death'. Two years in deep hell.

I started to leave this type of existence 1 year ago. But I fell into similar traps for up until a few days ago. I never let myself feel VALIDATED, because I continued to think that my subjective experience was not real.It took me a very long time to even begin to undo the brainwashing I had experienced. I thought I was so alone. It makes me so sad to hear you, "PowerofNo" went through a parallel experience. E "toll" is pure evil.

"Self help" money-grubbers are slithery. Predators are perfectly aware that if a survivor of abuse - or anyone for that matter - loses their entire sense of self, perception, and ego, that they are totally susceptible to abuse.

Our past experiences, our emotions, our traumas, our happiest times; what we learn, how we grow...that is who we are. If we 'get rid of' all that by banishing our 'ego', then we lose our identity. And that is exactly what predators want to do. On another note, gaslighting is a common abuse tactic by which the abuser seeks to make the victim believe he/she is crazy/not remembering right/the abuse did not happen. Its made me shudder when I realized that by writing these books, by preaching these transcendental woo woo meditations and such, wether intentional or not, the perpetrators (e.g. Toll) convince the victim they are not actually experiencing what they feel/are crazy. Gaslighting/what Toll has done is the same thing. It allows the abuse to continue on longer and with less struggle, because the victim comes to question their own sanity.

I am so glad that you left that bullshit. It takes a lot of strength. When we are terrorized (much like religion) into thinking that if we do NOT become enlightened, we are evil and worthless beings, then that makes it near impossible to ever even CONSIDER leaving this abusive mindset. It just goes to show how much damage these evil people are doing by selling their books dressed up as self improvement and enlightenment guides. I hope other people who have fallen to this trap find this forum before it gets as late as you or I.

Sending healing hugs.


Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2020 12:56PM by sashah.

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