Re: The Living Word Fellowship, The Walk, John Robert Stevens
Date: October 08, 2018 04:34AM
The LW leadership (my local pastor) used shame and bullying. To control me. When LW apologists post. Many on this board. Including me. Accuse them of shaming us. We were hurt. So we strike back. IMO I was more controlled by bullying and shaming than by brainwashing. That's my perspective. You don't have to agree with it. But you don't have to shame me. Because I have a different perspective.
Brene Brown, a shame researcher, defines shame as "the intense painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. We are probably wired to feel shame because it keeps us in line with the rules of our society. When we break or flaunt the rules, we may be ostracized, which could mean death or at the very least, disconnection, which can feel worse than death. So the reason that shame works so well is because we're wired to connect to and to seek acceptance from others, and shame effectively withdraws that acceptance and connection. Shame can embed itself in us deeply. Shaming words may never be forgotten, and shaming others, though it may be effective for behavior change, damages them and lowers us in their esteem. Who wants to be around someone who tries to make them feel ashamed?
I started to think about how shame has worked in my life, incidents where I felt shamed and where I attempted to shame.
Brown says, "There are many different ways we shame others: Sarcasm, name-calling, expressing disgust, and eye-rolling are all ways we communicate that someone else is not worthy of our respect. Shaming behaviors make us feel superior to that other person, as well as communicate to them that we wish they'd be or act differently, without us having to actually talk to them in an adult way and take responsibility for our own feelings. The same way teasing is so often rooted in hostility, shame takes its energy from judgment and self-righteousness. Shame, in whatever form it takes, is a way to control the other person by using their deeply ingrained need for connection to threaten them with disconnection. It's genius. And nefarious."
"The best weapon against shame is empathy. If we tune in to our empathy, our ability to understand how it might feel to be in someone else's shoes, we can understand how painful it is to hear shaming words. If we've resolved not to cause harm to others, we can use this empathy as a way to turn off the instinct to shame others, and as a reminder to choose kinder words when we need to communicate. We can practice the art of checking our words before speaking them, especially when we feel disgust, anger, or hurt. Are the words we are about to say necessary, helpful, and true? If not, then, with practice, we can choose not to say them, and instead consider what it is that we really want to communicate."