Hi guys my name is Maurice, i'm writing from london.
I did the landmark forum in april 2005, then i left the landmark and came back in august 2006. I did a seminar, their advance course and i was in the final s.e.l.p program until monday. The program is due to finish in at the beginning of march, but yesterday night the 'leader' mentioned vaguely some 'bad media that they were trying to stop'. I was been growing insofferent of all the landmark staff and at the mention of bad coverage something clicked, googled and found out all the shit that landmark really is. i have seen the france 3 video and read this and other wesites. I felt so disgusted i hadn't slept at all. I can't believe what i got myself into, and i feel shit.
I obviusly decided immediatly to cut out of landmark and everyone related to that. Now i'm writing here in this forum (the very word forum disgust me now) because i really really need to talk to someone. I really really need to let go all the shit that i feel inside. I have a degree in literature, a good culture, i should have been able to recognise these people for what they really were immeditely. the problem is the guy that invited me to check it out is a very good friend, a friend that i held in high esteem, he just asked me to check this out open mindedly and than chose for myself AFTER the forum. I dont know to what degree i got brainwashed. i felt high and everything, but i hold on to my residual doubts and now i thank God i did.
I feel shit. I feel ashamed of myself. I felt like 'mentally raped', i don't how if that explain it. I feel the need to put this into words and talk/write to someone. I feel the need to read and read and read and exercise logic again, i feel the need to talk, discuss, listen, make question and answer to other people question. If anyone here want to say anything to me, if anyone here read this topic and want to reply i would be so grateful.
I am so embarassed. I must sound desperate. I must sound like a loser. But i can't help it. That's what i feel today - the wake up is 24 hours old, i hope to feel better tomorrow. I remember they always said that complaining is bad, it's all stories, racket, you just want to be liked, you just want to justify yourself, you just want to be the heroic victim of your own personal soap opera, it's just a passive-aggressive trick to dominate the other. Something inside of me still believes in true compassion, and to that i make appeal.
I know that i'll survive, i'll pull myself together soon, i know i'm strong, but for the time being i could use to talk to other people.
I also feel furious. part of me would like to go there next monday and tell the other people the truth and tell the leaders what i think of them. Part of me wants to just forget as soon as possible and move on. What should i do? do i owe anything to the other people still inside the landmark? is it too early for me to go get them out? is it too late for them?
I'd better close now.
I feel a little better already.
A lot of what they do, he thinks, is ``a sideshow -- clumsy, hyperbolic entertainment. But then, well, something brings you up short. Or someone.''
Black keeps us chewing on that possibility as he escorts us on a cross-country tour of motivational speakers and organizations. He interviews life coaches and joins Toastmasters.
He signs himself up for the Landmark Forum, a large group- awareness motivation training where he finds mostly intimidation and dictatorial rules from a leader who scornfully informs the attendees they're allowed to use the restroom, ``but then you might miss something.''