I think my ex broke up with me through the guidance of his LP (Leadership Program) cronies. Apparently, they keep each other 'grounded' if they are 'struggling'.
He would often say if someone couldn't cope with something or they were negative or judgmental about something, they were in their struggle.
Another expression he often used was 'blame, shame and guilt'. He told me that I have all of these and he no longer wants to associate with anyone who has these traits. :shock:
Here are quotes from past emails...sounds like he's brainwashed...
[i:4f92ea0470][list:4f92ea0470]Communicating at the level I wish to CAN create anxiety in someone who is not used to doing so. I am aware of that possibility. And keep in mind that I would never say or do anything to hurt you....or anyone else for that matter. I know am a good kind, caring thoughtful person! and so I believe are you.
I am pretty, pretty...;) sure that you will not meet another man willing to take that kind of risk.....and be that vulnerable and open with you. Remember I don't believe in Judgment any more....nor any negative Opinion, I don't need proof as to why someone IS, or Does, or Says what ever they say. I except them as they are....in the NOW....in front of me. I will never ever hold anyone in their past, it doesn't serve them or me. This way of being is not always easy ......but the more I practice the longer I can hold myself their......very peaceful, calm, open, honest, positive place for me......this creates confidence in myself, helps me be more aware and clear...and remember, I would never say or do anything to hurt you....)
You are free to do whatever you choose. :-)
Are you creating Guilt,Shame where there is none?........there is if you say so. bla bla bla
How do you feel?
Are you unwilling to take complete responsibility for your behavior? Bla Bla Bla
I'm confused.........my understanding is that in a healthy partnership relationship there's the friendship part and the lovers part.....two parts....not one without the other. And the Friendship part always standing above all arguments, disagreements and struggles. Always feeling secure that no matter what we are friends and that will see us through the tuff times as well as good.
I believe our friendship is growing and getting stronger...it's most important I feel.....especially now when we are trying to work through my sex issue.
Do you agree?
Are you saying that you would rather I work on it without your help?
if you don't like the boat rocking, feeling uncomfortable at times, growing, stretching, pushing and expanding self awareness then your hanging with the wrong guy........cause that's what I'm all about.
This quote was after speaking with his woman friend an LP...
I really need to define what my needs are in our relationship. I sometimes get lost in "Letting Go" and "Everything Anyone Does or says is Exactly Perfect" Speech.....And I become very vague......what I want becomes lost or maybe I'm not sure in the first place.....I'm looking at and working on that.
I no longer believe in "Defensiveness or Being a Victim"...........but as she(the LP friend) pointed out to me there aren't a lot of people who have that ability to "Let Go" so sometimes I have to give myself permission to be in the drift like everyone else.
You see my entire life I've objectified woman....seen then as objects to have sex with....I don't what that anymore and so I'm really in uncharted waters.....here. I guess it's fun for some woman to be objectified once in a while but for me all that energy was negative and fueled by Anxiety and I don't want that anymore so I need to find a balance.......a balance between the Anxious energy which fuels my sexual engine and togetherness, intimacy, whatever......I'm not even sure what it is but I want to find it.
I choose not to own anyone else's words or actions....and I give them to power not to own mine.....no attachment....just freedom to be.
take a moment and think about the things that I constantly talked about………blame and shame and guilt an anger and resentment and holding on to the past….. these are all things that I don’t believe in……there toxic emotions…..especially when used to prove I’m right and the other persons wrong.
Didn’t you notice that when we spoke you kept trying to prove that I was wrong by using blame and guilt and shame all the things I don’t believe in? Didn’t you notice that you where unable to make me feel bad about myself or feel guilty or ashamed…..I wouldn’t buy into it. But……because I feel…..you don’t understand or can’t comprehend this concept of CHOOSING NOT to use negative emotions to control people.
you’re just acting like a giant VICTIM of Me and MY actions……..and that’s not real……your better then that……it’s only real because you CHOOSE to make it real.
And that’s the part that I feel that you don’t understand. And I was really, really, really hoping you would get it so that we could possibly take our relationship to another level.
I want a partner who will not blame or judge others and who remind ME not to blame or judge others as well. Your blaming and judging me for your feelings right now (my story)……….but guess what…….your feelings are yours and my feelings are mine. And I don’t control yours and you don’t control mine….UNLESS……I give you the power to do so. As your doing to me now ….I don’t want power over you….I want to be equal with you.
One of the things I wrote to myself a few weeks ago was I will no longer let another persons disappointment stop me from doing what I need to do to take care of myself.
To me being disappointed in another person is just another way of trying to lay shame on them. It's actually "Owning the shame of another person in a negative way". It means that "I" was expecting something else of them and when "I" got something different "I" chose to be disappointed. If I'm disappointed then I'm absolutely without a doubt "living in the past"...and holding on tight to it. I ask you....what's the pay off? What do people get by "being disappointed in others"? It's a choice. I can say to myself......Wow that person didn't do what I expected them to do.........I'm so disappointed in them and hang my head and feel bad......Or......I can say to myself......Wow I that was a surprise......I guess there doing the best they can.......let me try and find out why they made that choice and see if will lead me to something different.......Isn't this fun!.....Life's truly and adventure!. Yahoo!!
[b:4f92ea0470]When I asked him what friendship means to him:[/b:4f92ea0470]
I guess I thought we could create something more real, more understanding, more.........in each moment then before........guess maybe I was wrong.....I'm not sure now........I have to think on it.....feel on it......
...I decided that at this time we really need to just be friends...............for now...........so I can do my workshops and my emotional whatever it is..
But I started to realize that I was just living in the past and being a victim of my own story…..and I was missing out on my life Right Now, Today. Because that’s all that really counts. What am I going to do today to take care of myself…..to be the happiest person I can be….right now?
And I realized that everything I did in my relationship with her was exactly the right thing ……It had to be!!……..Simply because I could never go back in time and change it…….I learned to accept myself as I am today……mistakes, imperfections and all. I’m perfect just the way I am….and so is everyone else.
I Let Go of the idea that I had the power to change someone else, that I could convince them to change their minds. My truth is I can only change myself. So that’s what I choose to do….as you know.
And I learned that those Coda issues are a direct result of my own interpretations of what a healthy relationship is, I only had my parents as examples and they where not in a healthy relationship with any inkling of a full emotional vocabulary. They believed in being victim of others actions and words, being reactive rather then responsive, using guilt and shame to manipulate and influence people and so on. In fact all my brothers and their wives do it as well….and you know their not even aware of it….and that’s OK.
I imagine many therapists would say their in a healthy relationship…..and you know what….they would be right.
[b:4f92ea0470]Talking about his ex wife and how he coped:[/b:4f92ea0470]
Note: he got involved with LGAT's after his ex walked out on him after 14 years of marriage. They knew each other for 25 years at the time.[/color:4f92ea0470]
Why do I hurt? Because everyone else does in that situation, and that’s just being human?
That doesn’t really answer the WHY DOES IT HURT.
Why does it hurt? That’s the question I asked myself, and dug deep into it until I found the answer.
Don’t dismiss feelings, especially strong ones, simply because everyone else does.
All the answers can be found in the HURT.
If all my feelings and thoughts are a choice….whether conscious or unconscious.
Why did my body choose HURT? Why was I in so much pain? Of course I had all sorts of Proof as to Why, and everyone would agree I was RIGHT to be HURT…..once they heard my story.
And anyone else in that situation would be Hurt, wouldn’t they? But again …..Why choose Hurt.
His answer to 'us' and why we didn't work:
We are on different frequencies, and different journeys
It’s not always easy…to put words on it.
[b:4f92ea0470]And here's the kicker:[/b:4f92ea0470]
If you really want to learn more about now thinking….….in a short period of time.
It took me eight months of therapy and hard work to learn……everything I would have learned in the Basic Workshop…. In three nights and two days. :-p
I asked him what he learned from this workshop:
A great deal.
I learned that I learned nothing about relationships while growing up.
I tried to model my relationships after what I thought were healthy relationships....not knowing any better.
Now I see that's not what I want at all.
Strong feelings are great (even the painful ones). We know we are living when we have them and are able to name them, most importantly.
I encourage you to keep exploring these feelings; the Basic workshop is a great venue to do so from my experience. If you do chose to register I will be sure to be their to support you in any way I can.
Nothing has meaning except the meaning we give it.
What does TRUST mean?
Well….if you believe in me so much, and feel that I would make you a great partner, and all you want now is to be with me……
Why………when I say, the Basic workshop is a great tool to explore your feelings………….are you afraid or have resistance to it? I wouldn’t suggest anything that would harm you, or make you do anything negative, or anything that would cause pain for you, everything is a choice…….nobody forced me to stay in the workshops. I stay and keep going back because I find great value in them for me.
And all I’m suggesting is maybe you will as well. And if your afraid or find it hard to take a leap of faith, trust, I’ll be around to support you. That’s all. If you don’t that’s perfectly fine.
Everything is a choice. Even our feelings and reactions to the people and the things happening around us…..there’s always a choice.
Everything happens exactly the right way.
To be continued....but you get the idea.