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By Binoy - See all my reviewsThis review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Paperback)
I am an Indian, reside in Kerala. When I see the westerners around this bitch, used to think how foolish is this people. As a keralite I can not value this lady nothing more than a black magician, but I was sure that one day the truth will be disclosed to the world, Gali did that.

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Initial post: Feb 18, 2014 10:53:18 PM PST
MedStudent says:

You are absolutely right. I also felt the same and I knew the truth would come out sooner or later!! I am glad it did finally!!

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9 of 11 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars I Believe, February 13, 2014
By Jasmine - See all my reviewsAmazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Kindle Edition)
I have been on retreats and spent many days and nights in Amma's presence. I haven't missed a San Ramon tour since 2000. I have received at least 35 hugs. When I read what Gail had to share from the depths of her soul for her own healing around the abuse I was devastated, as I lost respect from a teacher I adored. My BLESSINGS go out to Gail as this will be a controversial book. I believe that in order to make an INFORMED opinion one must read Holy Hell so that you have looked at all the different angles. This is a must read book!

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CP(name omitted for privacy-Corboy)says:


I loved her book, mainly because many years ago, I too was wrapped in a cult looking for God.
No Guru / follower should put themselves "higher or Lower" then anyone else. All are subject to learning "Especially" the Guru. If you can't find love in actions, its time to leave. Being manipulated by subjecting them to a belief that "they" have some kind of power and you must obey at all cost is a "Key" to look out for.

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13 of 16 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars a very convincing account of a genuine spiritual seeker, February 12, 2014
By Claudia Weeraperuma - See all my reviewsThis review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Paperback)
When reading Tredwell’s book I felt that I was reading a genuine account of what happened in those long years she was Amma’s attendant. Tredwell is very honest, frank and reveals everything that took place without trying to paint a saintly picture of herself. She shows the complexity of situations with Amma, trying to give Amma the benefit of the doubt. But what happened to the author should be a lesson to all that are caught in Amma’s net.

It is abundantly clear from her account that Amma could not guide Tredwell in any way during those twenty-one years she was at Amma’s beck and call, neither physically nor spiritually. Amma’s advice to her was practically nil. Tredwell was simply a good servant who could be kicked, slapped, scratched, publicly humiliated, banished and gagged like a good Indian servant and slave, the way they are treated even these days in common Indian families by the lady of the house and her husband. Like them she could be raped at random by Amma’s darling son and sexual partner Balu. She could be burdened by nasty secrets, which she had to carry in her weary heart and which tore her inwardly to pieces. Though she was struggling with Hepatits A and B, as well as a tumor that needed surgery, nobody came to her rescue. Certainly not Amma, nor any of the swamis. Only a nice simple woman outside the ashram had a good heart for her. She would have needed plenty of rest, care and good food. She had to do all her chores for Amma while surviving on rice gruel and pickles. I would have left my body after two weeks of such conditions.

The first time I saw Tredwell’s face was in one of Amma’s old videos. I saw Tredwell giving a short account of her first meeting with Amma. I thought that Tredwell looked extremely worn out, aged, tired, pale and emaciated. The way she smiled was so unconvincing. Only now I know that she had to be an actress, trying to show a nice face to the world in order to protect Amma’s reputation. But Tredwell’s tired looks, the dark rings around your eyes, spoke volumes. Thank God, she is recovering. It took her many years of introspection, reflection and rest to heal her wounds and to be able to write this book.

It is very comfortable for Amma to say that she is merely crushing our egos by scolding, humiliating and beating us. But does the ego really go away like this? Does going to Hell raise you to Heaven?

Tredwell should have had the chance of getting good, useful spiritual instructions and plenty of time to reflect on them and apply them in a quiet way in everyday life. This is the way Ramanashram is organised. Ramana knew that a clean and calm environment with nourishing food was important for his visitors. Everyday life should be organised so that one has only VERY few responsibilities but one can do these few chores with all the care, attention and love one can muster. No businesses, money-collections to enrich Amma’s relatives, no nonsense, no forced prostrations, no involved rituals with all the unnecessary work that they entail, the less the better, the simpler the nobler. More energy can be preserved for inward –looking; less hassle outside.
Even in the Buddhist scriptures there are references wherein the Buddha spoke about the importance of having a minimum of responsibilities for the spiritual aspirant. All the seva that Amma insists that others should do is her cunning way of getting free labour for all her money-making activities.

In the Buddha’s discourse on loving-kindnesss, which is called Karaniya Metta Sutta, it says “He who wishes to attain that state of calm (Nirvana) should act thus: He should be ... contented, easily supportable, with but few responsibilities...”(verses 1 to 2).

But with Amma it is becoming worse with every year that passes. Not only do the crowds become bigger, but Amma encourages all the fuss around her, blaring hymns in honour of her non stop, videos that show her various achievements and medals and rewards. What vanity! No decent person would allow such crudeness, not to speak of a spiritual person.

Ramana Maharshi would scold those who placed flowers on his feet. Once some ladies put flowers on his feet and bowed before him, then went away. Then the following year all visitors began doing the same thing. Ramana looked at them angrily and said, “There it is — one after another, all have started. Why this? This is a result for my keeping quiet instead of stopping it in the very beginning. Enough of this.”(in: Letters from Sri Ramanaramam, by Suri Nagamma, Sri Ramanasramam, Tiruvannamalai (India), 3rd edition, 1985, p.217). Or he told a lady who was about to give flowers to Ramana, “I never touch flowers. In some places it is usual to present flower garlands. Hence, many people bring flowers. I have not allowed people to do puja to the f
eet or to the head. Why do we require such practices?” (idem. p.217)

Similarly he would scold those who sprinkled on their heads the water he had used for washing. (idem. p.219) There is a funny incident when Ramana Maharshi made a remark about a stout swami with a loud and powerful voice. He said it would be good to keep this swami at the doorway on the Festival of Lights so that people who came in crowds could take this swami to be Ramana, prostrate before him and go without troubling Ramana. Ramana has always been anxious to avoid publicity (idem. p.347).

Nobody before Tredwell has shown the truth, namely, how Amma would slap her attendants after the curtain had fallen. Nobody before showed the hearts she had broken, the tiredness and the poor diet of her servants (called “devotees”), the lies in her Biography, her callous fish-eating, her advice to abort a baby, which cost the life of the mother, in order to save the reputation of her ashram, the myth of her “purity” when she had just an ordinary female body with menses and all. Also we were not told about her jealousies, her preferential treatments of her “sons” and sexual partners over her daughters. (When hugging her thousands of children I often wondered why she embraced men folk longer than female folk. Somebody clever justified her action by saying, “Probably men need it more than women.”) One can always justify injustices, especially through so-called “spiritual” explanations (e.g. “We have to sort out our bad karma” or “all the good comes from Amma”).
The common man on the road has more spiritual idealism than Amma. Equality is the underlying principle of all religions and democracies. Everybody has a spark of the Divine. Therefore nobody should bow down before some people while not bowing down before others. Either we bow before everybody or to none. Everybody deserves some basic respect, which means a sense of freedom to decide his or her lifestyle, good nutrition, and a reasonably quiet and clean environment.

It is understood that there should be no violence, no harming, neither physical nor mental, neither deception of another by concocting lies, nor harass another sexually. If such evils are done, and even tolerated by a person without apologizing afterwards, then that person has not yet begun the truly spiritual path.

I could weep for all those who are still trapped there in Amma’s Ashram, who live in mortal fear, in confusion about what is really going on, all those genuine seekers who work like slaves to please their so-called “guru”. I hope they will have the strength and the courage to break free and start a truly spiritual life, seeking their inner master independent of all outward show and media pressure

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MK (name intialized for privacy-Corboy)says:


Claudia - You make some very good points. People often lose sight of the fact that humility is a great virtue and one that true saints naturally manifest. When a group came to see Neem Karoli Baba, they didn't know it was him, so they asked, "Where is the great Neem Karoli Baba Maharaj?" He replied,"I don't know anything about that." When they asked who he was, he said he was the man who fed the visitors. They left without knowing they had ever met him. When Swami Ram Tirtha returned to India after visiting the USA in 1905, his admirers brought a pallaquin (the equivalent then of Amma's very expensive Mercedes) to transport him with reverence and respect. He put the Bhagavad Gita into the pallaquin and walked along side everyone else. He never allowed pada puja or arati to be performed to him, or for his followers to chant his 108 names as he sat there. Ramana Maharishi and other true saints showed the same kind of humility.

Last edited by the author on Feb 14, 2014 8:59:37 PM PST
Marit Hegge says:
Thank you for this excellent review Claudia. This sentence particularly resonated with me, "All the seva that Amma insists that others should do is her cunning way of getting free labour for all her money-making activities" - as someone who at times has worked as a "seva slave" for this woman.
Indeed a cunning business model that this woman has. To have all her devotees constantly working for her in the misguided belief that this is to express their love for their guru and also in the belief that it is for "Mother's charities". When it has now been shown via the Indian Government's Foreign Donations site - the FCRA - that in fact only 10% of foreign monies donated is even spent on real charities.

What you described: "Not only do the crowds become bigger, but Amma encourages all the fuss around her, blaring hymns in honour of her non stop, videos that show her various achievements and medals and rewards" is so true.
Now when you go to an Amma program you can buy a myriad of souvenirs featuring her image - cups, pens, key rings, photos, medallions, screen savers, T-shirts and more. You can also purchase cabbage-patch like dolls dressed up to look like her. There are even items which she has supposedly used - facewashers, towels, pillowcases, clothing items, jewellery - one assumes not washed since she used them. Or so we are told. I am surprised that her nail clippings and the hair from her brush is not also for sale. In many ways it reminds me of what the business of flogging holy relics in medieval times must have been like. This merchandising being the true focus of these occasions I believe. Those waiting for hours with their hug tokens a captive audience which has been created, who will invariably spend at least some small change on a cup of chai and some cake even if they do not purchase merchandise. I truly believe that counter she has on her right hand finger which she clicks each time another customer comes up for a hug is also a motivational factor for her to keep her focussed on her job of hugging - kaaching, another $10 from yet another customer!

When I went to visit her ashram in 2007 the noise, the crowds, the chaos and the general mad atmosphere initially shocked me. I had been warned that that place could be crowded and noisy but I suppose nothing actually prepared me for what it was truly like. It was certainly not a place for meditation and quiet contemplation. One had to actually leave the grounds of the ashram to find any tranquility. Having not lived in an ashram before I could only wonder? A part of me thinking that surely THIS was not what ashram life was supposed to be like. And I was not even one of the renunciates, and therefore not being worked to the bone, sleep deprived and badly nourished. At the risk of being judged for being full of ego I soon realised that my health was at stake and made some effort to pay heed to my creature comforts.

I totally agree with the philosophy of Ramana you have outlined - "Ramana knew that a clean and calm environment with nourishing food was important for his visitors. Everyday life should be organised so that one has only VERY few responsibilities but one can do these few chores with all the care, attention and love one can muster." Instead of the so many tired, cranky, overworked and ill looking people I constantly interfaced with in that ashram, who at times appeared overwhelmed by all the tasks they were expected to perform. This feeling of being overwhelmed is one that I experienced every time her tour came to my city. Working for weeks to clean and prepare the house she was staying in. Working from early in the morning until at times after midnight on the day before her program to get the hall ready. The chaos and disorganisation which invariably happened on every tour. All day working on the day of her tour and then after the hugging was all over and she and her inner circle had departed to her accommodation working sometimes till dawn the next day to pack up and remove everything from the hall.
And what was all this about one may ask? I began to see that it was less about my spiritual development and more about this woman's huge ego and her desire to be worshipped as God. And also this whole travelling circus being about making huge amounts of money and those trapped as her devotees as being her free workers. It was NOT about Amma's "lila" or about bringing one's vasanas to the surface. And always when you felt overwhelmed by all this you were reminded by others that it was your ego coming into play. YOU were made to feel at fault for being only human - tired, exhausted, emotionally and physically drained. That this was your "lesson". NO, it was exploitation! Masked as spirituality!
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In reply to an earlier post on Feb 15, 2014 6:57:08 AM PST
D Ross says:
Amma is obviously one of those people that channels deities in a trance state. They call them "mad" in Bengal. There are 2 types of madness - real mental illness and the illness of the "saints". Suffice it to say that you don't need moral behaviour to be a medium. You can go in and out of trance at the drop of a hat if you want. In my experience I just kind of watch myself doing stuff in a state like that like from a slight distance but I retain full self awareness.

I had to read Gail's book a second time to really appreciate it properly. I think this is necessary to some extent because the initial reading is quite shocking and the mind tends to make excuses and comes up with reasons as to why Amma can't be like this. But certainly on the second reading it was quite impossible to deny the realistic descriptions of what happened.

I suppose I am an outsider to the Amma group. I never got a hug or visited any ashram associated with her. However, I got drawn in somewhat after reading the "awaken children" set of books which seemed to show an uneducated simple woman speaking like an omniscient person. This kind of thing can be explained as tapping into the Akashic records. Anyway, in any case I never understood the seva thing. What made no sense to me was how people could believe that they were having genuine spiritual progress simply by slave labour. Amma is supposed to be a satguru. Would a satguru focus on karma yoga? I doubt it. More likely they would focus on raja yoga, jnana yoga and bhakti yoga. It would be more about meditation. Someone striving for self-realisation would consider karma yoga as an aid to meditation, not as a sole practice. It's complete nonsense to think that you can achieve enlightenment through simple karma yoga and nothing else.

I have noticed that there are no really new videos of Amma on Youtube since Gail's book came out. I think the cat is out of the bag big time now. Just another example of a bogus guru like so many that came before. If there's one thing these Avatars don't seem able to do but the very thing that is expected of them to do, it is be celibate. They talk the talk but don't walk the walk. If you want to see a real spiritual person, look at the saints of the Catholic church. The real, genuine saints. As much as I don't like catholicism at least they have some bonafide saints.

The downfall has begun. Amma doesn't seem to have even as much as mentioned this book and the backlash, which doesn't make her look very good.

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16 of 19 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The Truth is stranger than fiction!, February 6, 2014
By Wake up "Wake up" (San Francisco) - See all my reviewsAmazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Kindle Edition)

1O years with Amma. If you are a devotee, Have the courage to read this. I know Amma says not to read anything critical of the Guru. She stopped her detractors like Shrini Pathanattam, Amma's dead brothers mentor, who lives in constant fear of retribution in Kerala. I called him in India to beg him for a copy of his book, which is literally unatainable, beleive me I tried every avenue before the call. He was speachless and terrified that a stranger would call from the USA questioning him about his book. He had no choice but to refuse my request, and would not discuss it.

Amma had stopped the second publication of his book and his publisher. Both narrowly escaped Jail. Amma may as well be the Dictator of Kerala State, given her influence there. Thank God her dictatorship is contained or we would never get the Truth.

God bless you Gail for writing this book. I knew much of what was going on before I left but had no proof. I could only save myself from this delusion and hypocrisy 6 years ago. I lost every freind there and my girlfreind of 4 years. No one believed my accusations, Though very painful, I have never once regretted leaving

In response to this review (note the spam activity right during a discussion of Shrini Pattanthanam's book)

Initial post: Feb 6, 2014 9:32:18 PM PST
Marit Hegge says:


I also tried to track down the book by Sreeni Pattathanam and soon realised, like you, that there was no way it could be purchased online, no way to order or find any transcript of it existing. Yet this book appears to have been a very well researched work which quoted newspaper reports, court and police records and interviews with those who lived close to her and numerous other eye-witness accounts (more information in Wikepedia). It focussed on the mysterious deaths associated with this woman including those of her own brother, who died after criticising her activities and attempting to out her for being a fake. The death of her cousin and many other deaths, both of locals and foreigners, as well as in busting much of the "miracle" mythology that appears in her official biography. The so-called "miracles" being one of the major contributing factors to her fame. I truly believe that this very important work, for which the author was prosecuted and hounded and basically now, as you discovered is living in fear of his life over, would have totally busted this woman. And saved so many thousands from falling into her clutches.

I hope one day Mr Pattathanam is able to get his book published in English outside of the India. In a country that has laws to protect authors and believes in freedom of speech. Not in protecting the rights of corrupt gurus.

If you have seen things and know things I hope that you will also have the courage to speak out publicly in support of what she has written. Some brave souls already have. But so many in India are living in fear of retribution if they do so.

Others in the west living in fear of the sort of retribution which will cost them, like you, every friend they had from that organisation, and possibly even their own family members ostracising them. I know of at least one person who knows things to corroborate what Gail said about Balu being a sexual predator, but cannot speak out publicly because a family member is still living there. Knowing that if they did speak up the ashram would most likely take revenge on them via this now quite vulnerable person.
It is only those who have left and have no ties there any more who are truly in a safe position to speak out.
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In reply to an earlier post on Feb 19, 2014 1:46:54 AM PST
Jean Pierre says:
[letterstothemother.wordpress.com]
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In reply to an earlier post on Feb 19, 2014 4:32:29 AM PST
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123 says:
Jean,STOP SPAMING

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10 of 13 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars An Act of Courage, November 10, 2013
By LuckyStar974 - See all my reviewsAmazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Kindle Edition)
I wrote a review anonymously several months ago, and was immediately outed in the comments section by two current Amritapuri ashramites, Bhavani and Kamalaja. Super creepy! Talk about Big Brother tactics. I deleted my review. It is tempting to walk away more or less silently, but since I was an ashramite in San Ramon (1997-2000) and India (2001-2007), I have a perspective many people do not, and feel I would be doing others a disservice if I did not say anything.

When I was in India about 2005, one time Amma was asked how her relatives became so wealthy. I had never heard about this before. I watched as Amma hemmed and hawed, and said something about her dad's fishing business. It registered to me that even Amma didn't believe what she was saying. But like a (stupid) dutiful aspirant, I didn't talk to anyone about this and proceeded with my intense schedule of spiritual practice (I did 10 million prayers, as well as many other spiritual exercises over a five-year period).

After I returned to the States, someone hacked a devotee's email in Hawaii whom they must have thought was a Gail/Gayatri loyalist (there's a real insider/outsider mentality here). The hacker warned about "the subtly poisonous" ideas in the August 16, 2012 Rolling Stone article, so, of course I Googled the article and read it. In the article, G confirmed my suspicions about the relatives' wealth.

An old-time Amma devotee came out with a book a few months later in part to deny the accusations. I was acquainted with this woman, and thought I might be able to speak frankly with her about my concerns. She said (by email) she would be happy to receive my letter which detailed my thoughts about G's Rolling Stone article--I was present for a lot of the happenings (Nirmalamrita's death, G's departure, etc.). I was very ashram-apologetic, except on the point that the fishing business story didn't make any sense: it contradicts Amma's childhood story; I visited a grocery store the dad owned and watched it go out of business within a few months (he didn't seem to have much business sense); the area seemed over-fished; and the local fishermen were barely getting by. Also, the dad did not give the appearance of being a busy, productive, entrepreneurial type.

After about six months of excuses why she couldn't get back to me, I started doing online research. The big shocker for me was to learn that the ashram has an estimated $300+ million parked in foreign bank accounts per MA Math foreign exchange reports on the India government website (I'll put the link as a comment to this review otherwise Amazon will delete it). All that money, and Amma wouldn't provide decent drinking water or nutrition at the ashram! Granted, things might have improved since I was there.

Now it is over a year and still this old-time devotee has not responded to my concerns and continues to put me off. The problem is that I could not think of another person on the insider track whom I thought might give me a straight answer. That's really bad when you've spent so much time with an organization and you can't think of anyone who might know something that you can trust.

When I was at MA Center during the late 1990s, it was common knowledge among many of the ashramites that Amma hit, kicked, and pulled the hair of Gail. I never saw it, but I remember G covering her neck so a mark wouldn't show. I also arrived one time right after another one of Amma's attendants was slapped across her face and didn't know why Amma had done that. But then one time in India 1997, I reached the meditation area right after a woman had accidently punched Amma in the face when Amma was breaking up a fistfight. The roller derby atmosphere around Amma went underground or dispersed as years went by, though it is not completely gone.

Pre-Gail's Great Escape (was it necessary to be so covert? I don't know), I was acquainted with her but not chummy nor part of the insider clique. She was a multi-faceted character with a sharp tongue, and I could definitely see her snapping a girl's butt with a dishcloth in the kitchen to get her to move faster and because she thought it was kind of funny. Anyway, the first time I was introduced to her, she cut me down by saying I was goofy. Not a kind thing to do. She backpedaled when she saw she had hurt my feelings. She was kinder after that, and I'd say we had a warm, working relationship. I helped her with puja things, especially during Devi Bhava. The night she ran away, I noticed she was late for bhajans and went back to look for her. I was not privy to her plans nor did I have any contact with her until 2013 when I started looking for answers.

In 1999, a few days before G left, some of the girls organized a small birthday party for her (in the book she said it was in the kitchen, but this one was actually at Ron's House/East Ashram). People gave her little gifts and someone had baked a cake. Dutch Lakshmi was invited, and apparently those two fought like cats and dogs. When G unwrapped the gift from Lakshmi, she found a construction brick, and made a joke about "you are the apple of my eye" and then pretended to hit herself with it. And then she got real sad and quiet for a moment until someone broke the silence.

After G left, even though Amma told us, "Amma knows her dharma as a guru," (seeming to mean she didn't want any more questions or complaints about the way she had treated G), I felt that if G had not left, G would have had either a physical or mental breakdown. Or both. Her health was not good and she was giving way under great stress and years of bodily neglect. She reminded me of Edvard Munch's "The Scream." She looked to me as someone hanging to life by a thread. And still, Amma would not allow her sufficient time off to regain her strength (like staying back with us at San Ramon, which we all wanted). Already, a couple of Amma's senior swamis had run away, and yet Amma seemed to relentlessly drive her people, as if collapse were an essential part of her disciples' path. Why Amma treats her people the way she does, I don't know.

So, I read Gail's book back in November when it first came out. I never knowingly took part in any fraud, but after being part of the organization for a while, you get real jaded with their way of doing business (making up the rules as they go, no accountability to anyone, no checks and balances, etc.). Add to that the fishing business story and the $300 million. All of what G said made sense to me, like I could totally see it happening...except for the sexual accusations. They were like bomb shells thrown out of left field. I had no context for them. Amma was always preaching this purity thing, and the swamis didn't seem gay, but they didn't exactly like women either. Or at least, didn't treat them like they were fully human. Everything was so touchy about gender issues--left hand/right hand, separation of the sexes, pollution, etc. So uptight.

I wondered if they might be recovered memories. Did the intuitive counselor plant the idea when she was in a trance state? But then again this was an adult talking about experiences in her adulthood. One thing I knew was that among women G could be herself, but when men were present she took a back seat, and she was disempowered, and looked really beaten down. Around Amma, the women swamis always reminded me of bag ladies, while the male swamis were like Little Lord Fauntleroys. I noticed that from day one. For example, as G mentioned in her book, Amma encouraged the expenditure of expensive, decorative teak wood doors for her favorite male swamis' quarters, and yet wouldn't allow a simple kneeling bench be nailed together for her female swami who had back and hip problems. This is exactly the kind of resource and power dynamic you see on a regular basis...and these are conditions ripe for all sorts of abuses.

Also, there is much talk about helping the poor, but I personally witnessed a lone, starving woman chased out the Amritapuri ashram gate by one of Amma's bramachari's when I was trying to get her a meal token. I still remember the flaccid quality of her forearm muscle as I led her to the kiosk. Her body was literally devouring itself. The bramachari was one of the competent, intelligent ones--it was not seemingly in his character to act like a brutal moron--and yet he jumped up from his chair and ran her off.

This was not an isolated incident. These things happen a million different ways around Amma. One time I was walking on the Amritapuri campus with a European woman who had terminal cancer and had been granted permission by Amma to die at the ashram. An ashram official marched up to us and broke into our conversation. She declared that if this dying woman wanted to move to a ground-floor flat, she would have to pay another $20,000! We were both shocked. They wanted her to buy a whole new flat. The official stomped off in a self-righteous huff. This devotee was dying of cancer, and by all appearances the organization could only think about how to get more money out of her. (However, later my friend said they didn't make her pay it--maybe because I was a witness?)

There needs to be a common code of ethics, not a code of silence. Thank you, Gail, for breaking the silence. Your book is very courageous. You point me back to my own conscience, which says that ethics and empathy comprise the basis of spirituality. I am very sorry for any part I may have played in all of this. I can only imagine how painful this must have been for you, and perhaps continues to be, for it takes a community, not just a teacher and a rogue swami, to betray you in this way--as we have also betrayed ourselves letting someone proclaim perfection, who is really just as human (and divine) as ourselves.

If Amma and the ashram really want to show the world they are serious about the welfare of women:

1. Let them create a separate trust putting women in charge of at least half the assets (some hundreds of millions of dollars). Appoint women, such as, Swamini Krishnamrita and Bhavani as trustees (and a few others), and give them proper financial training so they will be highly competent in their work and not get swindled by the many crooks who will flock to them.

2. Set up benevolent funds at each of the worldwide centers to provide emergency aid for current and former ashramites and renunciates.

3. Have the men sweep the Amritapuri compound half the days of the year.

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Last edited by the author on Feb 4, 2014 1:08:27 PM PST
Max Kluge says:


LuckyStar - Gail addressed the so-called "recovered memories" issue on her website and on her Facebook page.


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Posted on Jan 22, 2014 7:53:57 AM PST
LuckyStar974 says:
Not mentioned in her book, but through online sources, is that the ashram has an estimated $300+ million parked in foreign bank accounts according to the ashram's own declaration of bank interest to the Indian government. See Line 78 of the 2011-2012 form on the India gov website: [fcraonline.nic.in]


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Posted on Jan 22, 2014 9:05:44 AM PST
LuckyStar974 says:
@Max--Thanks for being persistent with your comment and readership. I don't know why my new version of this review disappeared.

So, I'm of the opinion that the truth usually lies between the claims of the extremes. A lot people are dividing themselves into two camps. Camp A says Amma is scum and everything Gail says is the gospel truth; Camp B says Gail is a bitter nutcase and Amma is an Avatar (100% pure manifestation of godliness). I do not subscribe to the Messiah/Avatar doctrine, I had a deep grounding in my own spirituality before I got involved in this whole mess, and I believe individuals can be quite complex whether or not they wear a crown on their heads. What I present in my review is an on-going process of mulling over my own experience and input from a few others, and try to discern what might be the case.

OK, so no recovered memories, but still I wonder what kind of influence the intuitive counselor had and if she were a competent counselor. If I read things correctly, she labeled "sexual abuse" before they had done any delving into this complex 20-year Gail-Balu relationship. Some of us have been around for a long time and are going through a process of mulling things over, not wanting to hastily jump to any conclusions--I mean obviously, if I've waited a year for Kusuma to get back to me.

Is Amma doing the swamis? I don't personally know. I do know she and some of the senior swamis have bizarre, clingy relationships. Why Amma would want these men to be so stunted, clingy, and blubbering without her, I can't imagine. Devotion shouldn't make a person weak and dependent, it should fortify the heart with courage--they should become better for it, not worse. Something is not right there. On some level, I suspect the teacher-student ethic has become master-servant, and they have both lost sight of the best interests of the student.

Will there be any open dialogue between the two parties and the general community? There's so much sneaking around about eating fish and other stupid things, I can't imagine real dialogue.
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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 22, 2014 9:49:32 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 4, 2014 1:08:44 PM PST
Max Kluge says:
LuckyStar - I congratulate you for not blindly buying into the dogma on either side of things. We all should use our reason, our heart, and our conscience to discern what is truth for us. That may be different from what is truth for others. A little tolerance and humility are certainly helpful along the way. I wish you all the best in your quest.
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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 22, 2014 3:23:16 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 23, 2014 11:19:07 AM PST
LuckyStar974 says:
Thanks, Max. All good points.

One thing that I don't think anyone has mentioned yet is that there are three essential people in this story (Amma, Balu, and Gayatri), and this makes a triangle, which of course has all sorts of tragicomedy possibilities. I think the story we have been told is far too simplistic. More realistically, they alternated aspects of victim and dominator/dominatrix in a variety of patterns. But of course Amma dominated as primary Alpha.

From a story point of view, Balu is the most intriguing character for me. Assuming what G writes is true, to the same woman (Amma), he is consort, son, servant, weeping devotee, playmate, administrator, spokesman, backup vocalist, official biographer, and disciple. How can one person live with so many contradictory roles and expectations without going nuts? And then throw this into a dramatic triangle between two extraordinary women, and watch the show.

Likewise, Max, all the best to you.
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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 25, 2014 12:28:27 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 4, 2014 6:28:38 PM PST
Steph says:
Hi LuckyStar974, I'm impressed with your candor and courage in stepping out openly and speaking directly where others who could be doing so have not yet done so. I can actually imagine what it's like to be coming to terms with the situation you lived through for so many years, and to be exploring all possibilities for yourself without accepting any perspective presented as a given, one way or the other. Friends who have likely shunned you for speaking your mind, loss of community--it has to feel terrible. Hang in there!
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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 26, 2014 8:14:01 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 26, 2014 8:44:29 AM PST
Lalita says:
I think if there is truth to Gail's allegations about Balu's sexual improprieties (I am not sure when it constitutes rape, but maybe sometimes), just the hypocrisy of that might be enough to make him very emotionally and mentally unbalanced. Unless one thinks that Gail is just making things up, then one pretty much has to believe that some version of the events between herself and Balu did occur. She could have misinterpreted some of what she saw going on between Ammachi and Balu, but looking in through the window and seeing them naked in bed together in a sexual position seems a little hard to misinterpret. So maybe Balu is depressed by the realization that he is absolutely living a lie. If that is happening, there is really no excuse for it, no matter how well-intended they started out.

And if they are misappropriating donated funds and underfeeding and under caring for dependent asharamites at the expense of their health, there is no excuse for that either. It just can't be justified.

I tend to believe they started out sincerely, with a sincere desire to love God and help people, but if Gail is correct at all it has gone so wrong that if they were to truly look at themselves, how could they feel anything but despair?

That's why I would really like to see Gail provide her evidence soon, along with the M.A. Math--it's all very big to a lot of people and should be clarified quickly.

I think the fact that Ammachi hit and abused Gail has been pretty thoroughly supported, and the devotees who wrote letters against Gail haven't denied it either, as far as I know. That does lend credibility to her version of events--and so does the Indian government website showing that most of the donated money has not gone to charities. Who knows, maybe they have a good plan for it, but it really is time to make the plan known if they have one.

We Americans are kind of gullible, I think. We are so willing to see other cultures as superior to our own and to give away our own power. It seems like many spiritual people go through the phase of giving themselves over to a guru although it rarely seems to work out, so people must really believe there is something of value in it. I think the impulse is very sincere. Too bad that impulse gets abused over and over again.
?

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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 26, 2014 10:34:31 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 26, 2014 10:36:02 AM PST
LuckyStar974 says:
@Steph--Thanks, Steph, I really appreciate that. The first step is having intellectual honesty and re-friending myself. There were too many redflags and things that violated my values, yet I proceeded trying to focus on the good. In many ways I benefited, but it was a mixed bag. I did a lot of spiritual practices and learned some important lessons, though I just couldn't agree with how people are treated. And I cannot have an unethical teacher. Of course, we all make mistakes, but if that person can't admit to their deception and wrong-doing, then they are an injury to themselves and others.

Friendship needs to be based on caring about the person and their well-being. If it is not, then these friendships do need to fall away. Of course it is not black and white since there can be genuine love and caring without agreement on a whole host of important subjects. I have been in contact with friends and acquaintances who span the gamut of views on Amma and the org. There are many people with whom I feel honored to have been in community. Thank you all, I wish you all the best regardless of whether or not we have contact going forward.

When I look back at the time with Amma and org, what really means the most to me was when I was able to be present with others during very difficult times, such as: holding the hand of a burn victim whose head was swollen up the size of a huge pumpkin and skin was just scraped free of her charred flesh; visiting a young man in the ICU after his suicide attempt and trying to be of help to the family; listening to the story of a woman who needed to talk about her abortion; and sitting with an ashramite in the doctor's office when she got her terminal cancer diagnosis. We can have these lofty experiences of consciousness, but if they can't be applied to how we live, they mean nothing.

I think it takes a long time to integrate powerful spiritual experiences. And I don't see that they necessarily make any significant change to the personality. This idea that the mind becomes purified is rubbish. People with a lot of spiritual energy coursing through them can make very bad choices, and even worse, they can be under the delusion they can do no wrong. We never transcend out humanity. There's so much info out now about Sai Baba's pedophilia and sexual abuse of young men, Muktananda and his harem of adolescent girls, and so forth. Give a person extreme power, wealth, and no bars to asocial behavior, and that person will almost certainly run amok. Calling someone an avatar means you give that person unlimited license. I really think the system in the West is better--where the rabbi, minister, etc. is essentially an employee of the community and is held accountable for their actions, as opposed to the Eastern way of adhoc spiritual aristocracies who rule like Pashas over the little people.

It is very humiliating to realize I have been one of the dumb$h1ts--I think that is probably the biggest barrier to people coming forward, especially if they were highly leveraged with Amma and org (gave all their money, took robes, acquired positions of prestige, etc.). There can also be a certain intoxication with mental and emotional states, and if you are feeling bliss and lovey doviness around Amma, you might wonder then how can things be so wrong? That's where more people need to come forward to flesh out the bigger picture.


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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 26, 2014 11:41:05 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 6, 2014 7:43:39 AM PST
Lalita says:
LuckyStar,

I am so sorry to see that you personally feel so bad about all this--more fallout from a bad situation.

Even if Ammachi and her swamis turn out to be not ethical, caring or honest in some ways, everything you did that you have described above is still real. You still helped people in need, you still did your spiritual practices and presumably benefited from them.

We all regret things about our past, yet it does no good, especially when so much love and light exists in the midst of it all as it clearly does in your case.

As time goes on, you may see that you were made stronger and grew from the experiences you had with the Amma org., and the experience of looking at it all in a new light now.

The process you are going through may be a process many people have to go through and some in a much more intense way. You are putting yourself out to help and I agree that you should really appreciate that about yourself.

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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 26, 2014 12:40:06 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 26, 2014 12:43:54 PM PST
LuckyStar974 says:
@Lalita--There's been a spiritual vacuum in the West (perhaps we developed too fast and have had excessive emphasis on materialism, plus history of mass killings). And as Thomas Merton noted, the Easterners have gone deeper into spiritual things than we have. There is a lot to learn from the East, but there's a lot of bull$h1t, too. The bigger picture is that we are all players in this collision and assimilation of cultures in the world scene as it becomes more and more intertwined.

American Buddhists are really interesting. Some of the communities are decades or even generations ahead of their Indian-based Hindu contemporaries. They have had their fair share of things to weather: alcoholic and womanizing teachers; drug addicts; a homosexual regent who knowingly spread AIDS to his casual sex partners; and so forth. They have also fired a few teachers, such as one who had sex with everyone's wives and gave himself excessive luxuries. An antidote has been financial transparency, a clear code of community ethics, and just about every other person getting a degree in psychology.

I think much of the Buddhists' empowerment comes from an understanding of Western psychology and the value of the individual, both male and female. The Western Enlightenment is valued as well as the Eastern ideal of enlightenment. My experience is that Amma only begrudgingly acknowledges goodness from the West, primarily in terms of wealth, technology, manpower, work ethic, and some organizational methods. She has yet to grasp Age of Enlightenment ideals and their implications. Or understand the value of Western psychology in terms of the well-being of herself and her dependents. She and her swamis set themselves as dieties at the top of a hierarchical pyramid away from contrary opinions, financial transparency, and accountability for their actions, safeguarded by a theology not unlike the "Divine Right of Kings."

Clearly, her movement is in large part a venue from self-esteem building of Indians, who are only a generation or so away from colonialism. Westerners are always paraded around to generate a sense of prestige and importance. (Just like Krishnamacharya's son T. K. V. Desikachar didn't value his dad's vast knowledge of yoga and all things Hindu until he saw a wealthy white woman express gratitude for his dad's help.) And yet the irony is that they are misusing the people who are sympathetic, not the ones responsible for trampling their icons and stealing the wealth of a nation. But it isn't just Westerners who have left the organization. Many Indians have left who were once very dedicated and sincere. Something like one-third to one-half of all the men and women who were given robes by Amma have left the organization (most of them Indians). Can anyone really believe they were all as weak and worthless as they have been painted?

Last edited by the author on Feb 6, 2014 7:45:18 AM PST
Lalita says:


LuckyStar,

No, of course the Indians who left Amma are not weak and worthless--they just followed what they came to believe was right.

I actually love Indian culture and a lot of the spirituality attached to it myself. I pretty much only listen to Indian music, I love it that much. I find the Christian views of the universe a little too simplistic.

But the authoritarian way Hindu religious organizations are structured almost guarantees abuse of power as you pointed out. There is a more egalitarian view in Buddhist organizations which I really like, although they too find ways to abuse power. I just find Buddhism a little austere sometimes.

I think most people who leave those types of organizations leave with the realization that the guru is within, no matter in form they perceive it.

I really wonder if Ammachi and her swamis could self evaluate and decide they would like to live in a more honest, kind and ethical way. Probably unlikely, but that's my hope...

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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 26, 2014 2:08:56 PM PST
LuckyStar974 says:
@Lalita--Thank you. Your kind words went straight to my heart and hurt in a good way.

Yes, perhaps I am again offering my hand--to those in the "been burned unit"...Welcome to Idealists Anonymous. Please keep your bull$h1t detector turned on at all times....
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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 26, 2014 2:27:23 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 26, 2014 2:28:24 PM PST
LuckyStar974 says:
@Lalita--I'm always one post behind in this conversation...I was saying "weak and worthless" facetiously because when someone leaves, they usually say the person was "weak-minded."

I love aspects of Indian culture and spirituality, too. I went East because I didn't think I could find the depth or answers I needed in the Christian. A lot of Christians felt/feel that way--Thomas Merton and others studied with Zen masters, etc.

I generally agree about Buddhism being a little austere, though I do love the Bodhissatva ideal (but there I go again...).

Yeah, teacher is not so important...teachings are. Just like we are grateful to our science teachers but we don't pay homage to them. They don't own the science; they're just doing their little bit in the scheme of things. Religion should be more like science. It all needs to be demystified. Albert Einstein was a bizarre person but a great scientist.
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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 26, 2014 3:00:36 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 6, 2014 7:41:32 AM PST
Lalita says:
LuckyStar,

I knew you were being facetious when you said "weak and worthless".

And yes, the guru in our hearts teaches us according to none of the religions--just leads us in the way that is right for each of us.
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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 26, 2014 3:14:04 PM PST
LuckyStar974 says:
@Lalita--I greatly appreciate your insight and comments. I thought some readers might not understand what I was alluding to, so I clarified (I'm not trying to nitpick words with you--exact opposite). Thank you. I wish you all the best.
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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 27, 2014 12:42:56 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 4, 2014 6:29:31 PM PST
Steph says:
LuckyStar974,
Thanks for your insightful, introspective reply. You're doing just fine. I think it's natural to feel self-recrimination and anger at oneself after realizing that one has been suckered by a guru. Been there myself. It does drop away.

And, in emulating the guru as a role model, you brought to fruition in yourself the same loving, compassionate behaviors that she herself can only pay lip service to practicing. What's a videotaped, applauded, self-aggrandizing hugging marathon in comparison to selflessly sitting with a friend just diagnosed with cancer... The guru talks about working in the trenches. You actually do it. She could learn a lot about loving kindness from you. You grew in spiritual authenticity even as she drew incrementally deeper into greedy darkness. You're a real human being who looks at yourself with painful honesty. You're allowed to have flaws.

I lost all but two of my "spiritual friends" in a Buddhist sangha after I called out the brocaded elephant in the living room of alleged bliss. Having been through two gurus, I guess it took me that additional experience to get that I shouldn't turn my power over to anyone who claims a higher rung on the illusory ladder of spiritual hierarchy.

You'll find better, true friends. I think you've made a few already just in your honest writing. I celebrate your developing friendship with yourself, too.
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In reply to an earlier post on Jan 27, 2014 7:15:26 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 6, 2014 7:41:03 AM PST
Lalita says:
Yes, and I second that. LuckyStar, I am really touched by your desire for honest self-assessment. That's part of what keeps one on a path of true spirituality, along with the desire to be helpful in the world. Too bad most gurus and swamis don't seem to want to do the same. We wouldn't be having this discussion if they did.

Loving oneself as one is is important too, something that isn't so easy for many of us.

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Angie, on February 22, 2014 at 8:31 pm said:

Rajesh

Your comment is nonsensical. The western world was seduced into accepting eastern religions and has paid dearly for it. No-one stood in your way, however, it is time we looked closely at how they operate. Fraudulence and mind controlling slavery is not my understanding of religion. We do not need gurus or lamas who grow fraudulently rich off the west.

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suresh, on February 22, 2014 at 7:06 am said:

we indians never admits our mistakes,instead we give justifications like western culture and our culture,we dont want to see truth we are iliving our imaginations like our films,cricket, religions etc

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Angie, on February 21, 2014 at 5:40 pm said:

“Jesus, Prophet Mohammad and even Lord Krishna”; I am not aware of any books written that accuses them of being abusive to their followers. To say that because she is operating for 50 years negates any abuse on her part is ridiculous. Unfortunately many abusers are not brought to the attention of the public because victims do not speak out, out of fear. Thankfully some do and what better way to inform us by putting it in writing. Information is vital for recovery. To “follow a guru” is to give away your power. At least admit that!

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February 22, 2014
By (ET -initials substituted for name to preserver privcy Corboy)(Saint Louis, MO USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME) This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Paperback)
I understand Tredwell's plight and hope that the truth will come out, but I know in my heart that it won't. MA inc. has infiltrated the Indian political scene so deep that even if someone produces clear proof of whatever has happened, nothing is going to happen. Presidents of India, central ministers, Kerala state ministers, local politicians and officials have all been part of this "club" at various occasions. It was shocking when I saw that A K Antony (India's defense minister, who is known to be above religious silliness) had flown in from Delhi to obtain her "blessings" at a function at her Ashram. Unfortunately, wide majority of the human race is made up of gullible weak beings and each one represents a vote in the election, irrespective of their gullibility. Narratives like these often come out of the secret worlds of the swamis and human-gods. The gullible beings just find a reason to disbelieve them and the smart ones (the politicians) find a way to look the other way.

As another reviewer said, each one is the captain of his/her own ship. The day the wast majority of humans stop falling for divinity and its self-proclaimed avatars, I will have a better hope of this kind of stuff ending. Unfortunately, the day is a long way out. If this book has converted at least a handful, I am happy.

Tredwell's justification that she was young and immature when she fell for Amma may be a sad fact, but it is unacceptable (Even more unacceptable is why she stayed for that long, which only means that she is partly responsible for whatever happened). We need to raise our children to be aware of these dangers ahead in their lives. We don't want a generation to waste a good part of their lives living a farce life and then spend the life after that writing depressing narratives like this. We shouldn't have to read stuff like these from our children after they have wasted away their lives.

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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book!, March 1, 2014
By (Reena Devadas - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME) Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Paperback)
Gail, you are brave to live in a third world country in unsanitary conditions. Why did you put up with this lady's temper tantrums? You should have left long time ago, it made me smile when I came across the chapter when Balu is stealing from Osho book. By the way, I'm a Osho Sannyasin. All in all excellent book, nicely written , couldn't put it down once I got my hands on it. I hope there's going to be sequel soon , so that whatever you missed you could put in the next book, god bless Gail!
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5 of 8 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Honest depiction of a deceit, February 28, 2014
By Alex Joseph - See all my reviewsAmazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Kindle Edition)
I read this book in one sitting. Very powerful. An honest narrative of how a young gullible person got tricked by a fake Guru.

Being grown up in India, I have seen and heard of many "saints" like this, who manipulates people for money, power and sex.

Hopefully this book would make others think before they get into cults of this sort, in a land where laws are bent by the powerful..

India used to be a land of yogis and people who used their wisdom to spread spirituality and to do good; but today, it is rife with fake Gods who uses the name of God for their own greed.

Congratulations to Gail for writing this book and having the courage to follow her heart to break free from the abuse.

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12 of 22 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent narration of a life experience!!, February 22, 2014
By Texas16 - See all my reviewsAmazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Kindle Edition)
A good reading!! I was impressed by Gail’s writing style. I am from Kerala, India. Gail’s writing reveals how observant she was and how much she absorbed of the Indian culture, manners, mannerisms, and language during her stay at the Ashram. She is candid about herself as she describes her longing for God realization, affection for Guru, her own weaknesses of mood swings, anger, jealousy and craving for attention. I spent nine years at a religious training center. I could understand how slowly and gradually Gail was brain washed, made totally dependent under the pretext of obedience and humility. It is hard to explain; only people who have been through it can understand this process. As time goes by you become totally dependent on a belief system indoctrinated by people above you. The system also gradually creates a sense of fear that makes you afraid to speak or to do anything against the authority you are under. Congratulations to Gail for her courage to escape the torments and later to write this book. This book is a real warning to people who are blindly searching for spiritual fulfillment and who donate money to charities without exploring the truth about those organizations.. I can only imagine of all the negative reactions she will be getting because of this book. Wish all the best to Gail!!
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The above review was followed by these sub-reviews

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Dave the Math Guy says:


A cursory scan of the reviews of this book here shows that a majority of the 5-star reviews are accompanied by an Amazon Verified Purchase icon. A majority of the 1-star reviews are not. Most of these latter betray a lack of substantive knowledge of the book's contents and are merely propaganda.
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In reply to an earlier post on Feb 22, 2014 4:50:39 PM PST
Texas16 says:
I totally agree with you.
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In reply to an earlier post on Feb 24, 2014 4:36:06 PM PST
[Deleted by Amazon on Feb 25, 2014 11:48:36 PM PST]

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In reply to an earlier post on Feb 26, 2014 11:36:51 AM PST
Amanny says:
I disagree. It could be that they comment knowing facts about the institution/subject against whom Gail is simply spewing lies and untruths in her book.
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16 of 25 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars An essential reality check on the myths surrounding a modern guru, February 21, 2014
By A rational Hindu - See all my reviewsAmazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Kindle Edition)
Gail's book is a surprisingly well written account of her harrowing and at times ecstatic experience for twenty years as the personal attendant of the so called hugging saint, Mata Amritanandamayi. I could not put down the book once I started reading. It is heart felt, painful and yet narrated with a dash of humour. Gail combines her intimate knowledge of her lived Indian cultural experience on the shores of Kerala with her Western attitudes towards fairness, gender equality and injustice. This is essential reading for anyone who cares to know the shades of reality that commercial interests of religious organisations try to hide.
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13 of 22 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars genuine account, gripping, February 21, 2014
By DR RAJASREE NAMBRON - See all my reviewsAmazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Kindle Edition)
I bought the kindle version and finished reading in 5 hours. gripping and a page turner. I have visited the ashram for over 10 years during the early 90s and have wondered why Gail looked so unhappy. This book must have been a healing experience for the author. With regards to other comments elsewhere saying she herself mistreated or abused other ashram residents, i would say atleast that is proof of what she was undergoing. 'Charity begins at home' and if the Guru is physically abusing the disciple and setting a precedent , then what more can we expect from other disciples.Amma is as human as the next person. I used to wonder why so much mental sickness,rudeness and hatred emanated from that place and now I understand that it was a way to show detachment but have they wondered both hatred and love are forms of attachement. Thank you for this.

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15 of 20 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Very interesting read, February 19, 2014
By Lizzy (Seattle,WA-USA) - See all my reviewsAmazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Kindle Edition)
I am originally from Kerala, so I was aware of the growth of this cult like organization when I was a kid. I always wondered why people who were searching for God ended up there. I don't understand how people can find peace in some human being other than God, let alone surrender or serve them. I thought it was pure foolishness. I was even more surprised when working in US, close friends who are very well educated were falling for "the mother". This book sheds some light into why people do that.
It is a very interesting page turner especially for those who are familiar with the circumstances. I totally believe all the incidents she narrate in the book and think there is even more. Anyway I am glad that she came out with it.Her narration is simple and easy to digest and it draws a very clear picture of the socio economic and cultural environment in Kerala at that time.
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17 of 23 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars An Act of Courage, November 10, 2013
By LuckyStar974 - See all my reviewsAmazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness (Kindle Edition)
When I was in India about 2005, one time Amma was asked how her relatives became so wealthy. I had never heard about this before. I watched as Amma hemmed and hawed, and said something about her dad's fishing business. It registered to me that even Amma didn't believe what she was saying. But like a (stupid) dutiful aspirant, I didn't talk to anyone about this and proceeded with my intense schedule of spiritual practice.

After I returned to the States, someone hacked a devotee's email in Hawaii whom they must have thought was a Gail/Gayatri loyalist (there's a real insider/outsider mentality here). The hacker warned about "the subtly poisonous" ideas in the August 16, 2012 Rolling Stone article, so, of course I Googled the article and read it. In the article, G confirmed my suspicions about the relatives' wealth.

An old-time Amma devotee came out with a book a few months later in part to deny the accusations. I was acquainted with this woman, and thought I might be able to speak frankly with her about my concerns. She said (by email) she would be happy to receive my letter which detailed my thoughts about G's Rolling Stone article--I was present for a lot of the happenings (Nirmalamrita's death, G's departure, etc.). I was very ashram-apologetic, except on the point that the fishing business story didn't make any sense: it contradicts Amma's childhood story; I visited a grocery store the dad owned and watched it go out of business within a few months (he didn't seem to have much business sense); the area seemed over-fished; and the local fishermen were barely getting by. Also, the dad did not give the appearance of being a busy, productive, entrepreneurial type.

After about six months of excuses why she couldn't get back to me, I started doing online research. The big shocker for me was to learn that the ashram has an estimated $300+ million parked in foreign bank accounts per MA Math foreign exchange reports on the India government website (I'll put the link as a comment to this review otherwise Amazon will delete it). All that money, and Amma wouldn't provide decent drinking water or nutrition at the ashram! Granted, things might have improved since I was there. [2/21/14 The ashram has posted they have $50.53 million U.S. in Indian banks, not the above amount. See Brahmachari Mathrudas Chaitanya's post on AmmaScandal for more info.]

(Corboy - to read the rest of Lucky Stars interesting report go to Amazon.

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Abracadab says:
I, too, was an Amma devotee for many years. I once saw a mentally challenged woman being beaten by an Indian brahmacharini in yellow. The person I was with had just told me that this was the "spiritual big leagues," and to expect the unexpected. He also said that it was undoubtedly on Amma's orders that the woman was being beaten and we should do nothing. Having been raised as a Christian, I was very uncomfortable, as I thought the whole story about the Good Samaritan meant that all are Christ. To my shame, I acquiesced to my friend's advice. I would not do that now. India is a very harsh culture, though we westerners tend to romanticize it as being gentler than ours. Westerners beware!
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a MalayaleeMarch 7, 2014, 6:01 pm


Hello Gail…
Thank you for these revelations!
These devotees serve Amma in Ashram to get express ticket to God by ignoring their real Amma at home or other elder women who need help and care.
We can term this as spiritual entrepreneurship…
There are customers/ignorant people ready to buy Hindu spirituality merely through a hug or kiss!
Sell spirituality,get donations and do a wonderful business by it.
All anti social animals are hidden inside Ashrams in India….not just in Vallikkavu…everywhere north to south!
It’s a shelter for criminal swamis as no police will raid Ashrams’s and Politicians do not dare to touch Ashrams because of the huge vote banks associated with them.
And anything to do with religion in India gets blown out of proportion…even though it has got nothing to do with Hindu religion.
Actual Hindutva says “Aham Brahmasmii” which means “you are divine or the “god is inside you ” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advaita_Vedanta)
We don’t need Ashrams.We need institutions to teach real essence of each religion.

Please act legally against the Ashram,you will get all the needed support. We are there with you!
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vinodMarch 6, 2014, 10:17 pm


hello gail, if your revelations are true, you did a great thing that you made a torch in to illegal, illicit, relations and looting of people who are the deciples. Pls reveal more then you will get the moksha from sins that you participated in former days in the name of god. Thanking you.
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SeideMarch 6, 2014, 9:36 pm


Hey..
I’m an Indian girl, and a big admirer of your boldness and support you for your bold stand.
I saw your interview, and began respecting you more, though I am yet to read the book.
Only if people like you tell the world the truth, can people see more clearly how shallow they have been to be cheated like this.
I only hope your belief in indian culture and and spirituality hasn’t reduced. There are gurus like Swami Sandeepanandagiri, who tells the world the meaning of all our holy books, and how to seek what we have wandered for. If only people could distinguish between the real and fake.

with loads of love and admiration,
Seide.
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BinuMarch 6, 2014, 4:16 pm


Its really sad that you have suffered such hardships in your life while following a self proclaimed god-man to know GOD..

You got exploited in your young ages and you were unknowingly part of establishing a big “belief market”, a business world by exploiting the neediness of human beings.

We really appreciate your effort to enlighten the mass who got mystified by the god-man , charity. And trying hard to expose wrong doings of some human beings.

God-man is a symptom of uneducated ,unscientific and illogical society and every GOD today was a god man or myth Yesterday.

Exposing god man is just a part of the story that you are doing with your life, educating the mass about science and scientific method is the other part.

As a Malayali, I express sorry since you got exploited in my part of the world and all the best for fight against your exploiters.
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PavanMarch 6, 2014, 9:22 am


Hi Gale,

Happened to see your interview . It was really heart touching. I was amazed with your courage and your concern for humanity.

Just remember that even if hundreds hate you today, a day will surely come when they will realize what you said was true.

A day will come when truth prevails.

Do not worry Gale, if hundreds are hating you today, there are hundreds loving you and praying for you today.

Remeber truth is always bitter but at the end it is what prevails forever.

We are with you Gale,

GOD is with you.

Keep your prayers.

Keep your hope..

With Prayers

Imran
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suneeshMarch 5, 2014, 11:50 pm


You have taken a great move in throwing lights towards the minds of those cowardliness, blind believers. The people have been misguided by the nexus among politicians, criminals and this sorts of human goddess. As these greedy people always look for opportunities, and they found that naive beliefs might give them new areas to explore. They have been utilizing the innocence of common man with the support of political parties.
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Michele YoungMarch 5, 2014, 9:34 pm


Gail, thank you so much for your courage in giving the world the truth behind the false guru. Now you’ve made it easier for others to come forward in an effort to help others as well. I also want to thank you for the beautiful statement you made through Holy Hell that “spirituality is no longer about self-denial, but about becoming whole.”

I can’t speak about amma, but I too have been on a similar path after leaving the false guru machine of Siddha Yoga and the deceitful gurumayi who disappeared with millions, following exposés by former monks and close devotees on SY’s violence, corruption, sexual abuse and manipulations. I also read your blog, Truth Telling vs. Silence, and truly appreciate your perspective. I knew people whose lives and family (including children) were threatened by Siddha Yoga’s guru machine after speaking out even knowing others had been beaten, thus suffering the vicious bombardment of brainwashed unquestioning devotees.

There were some really beautiful people who I would still want to call ‘friend’ from the cult, but the veil is so strong that they cling to their fears of not wanting to break misguided images of purity, goodness and devotion. Unfortunately for some, the definition of love includes self-denial and maliciousness in the name of devotion. Through all that we were supposed to learn about love in the false ashram, self-accountability seems to have been totally overlooked and its so very disappointing to watch how so many of us devotees chose to behave as we clung so desperately to be “in the clique” of false guru devotion. Even her monks and management practiced shunning and tantrums in place of teaching through loving acceptance, compassion, respect and consideration. The true definition of love and what it looks like when it manifests in true form was never taught in Siddha Yoga whose cult-culture was denial of all emotion and escape into “transcendence”, further pummeling into us that chasm of self-disconnect. Today, I am very much an advocate of grounded well-being and wholeness, and am grateful you have come forward in your special way to help this world move toward light out of the trappings of darkness, which is sometimes cloaked in false goodness.
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