I am going through something a lot right now and thought it would be a good time to post something here to see if anyone else can relate or knows of a related thread I could read.

When I was in the ashram it was very clear that kids were not welcome, if you were putting Spirituality as your number one priority you had to put Yourself first and that could not involve kids if you were really Committed to your Healing unto God. Occasionally someone would come who had kids but they would not really get to the inner circle. The women in the group were either women like me who said they didn't want kids, or older women who'd already had kids when they were younger. I actually already thought I didn't want kids before I got to the group, but I was already very ill emotionally and physically when I arrived there.

I had 2 abortions while I was in the group. Was in the group from '03 to '09 and had one abortion in '04 and one in '06, when I was ages about 29 and 31 (I'm 35 now). I had some mixed feelings about it at the time but I wanted so badly what was being advertised (my spiritual healing) and wanted to demonstrate I would put it above everything else... also my boyfriend wasn't interested in fathering and although he said he'd be financially supportive, I decided I didn't want to start as a single mother. Looking back with my views on abortion now I would not make this choice again.

Now I am in therapy and coming to some painful realizations about how I really thought I didn't want to be part of the world and participate, with a career, family, etc. and thought I was better than those who had this normal life. Now I'm finding out that this lack of desire to be part of things might be more grossly dysfunctional (related to childhood neglect etc.) than some healthy desire to "wake up". I did have some very profound spiritual experiences over the years and so this reinforced for me the "spiritual bypass" habit very deeply (avoiding real life problems with another spiritual high). I mean, I think there is still something inside me that wants to wake up from delusion but the way I was going about it was sure not working.

Now I am left feeling these urges in my body of wanting a baby, and facing the possibility that I might go through early onset menopause and that even if I don't, it is getting late in years already. And I still don't know whether I want a family, who knows how long that will take to become clear, maybe time I don't have anymore. I have been reading even some adoption agencies don't take women over 40.

I was living for years out in the woods, only rarely going into town for supplies. Now I am moving into a bigger town (not very big but still challenging for me) and when I go to the store all I can see are families with kids and babies everywhere. It makes me want to disappear, to not face the world with their happy families and jobs and feeling like, where did the last decade go? Why did I make so many mistakes? It is so painful.

It must be a common experience amongst female cult members -- losing their childbearing years? I would love to hear if anyone can relate or point to any written stuff on this.

I don't mean to criticize someone for not wanting to have kids. I just wanted to share my struggle here.

Thanks for being there.
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I think there are a lot of women out there that can relate to what you are saying. I am particularly concerned with the abstinence movement among Christian groups. I have met a lot of "aging virgins" out there who have paid the price in terms of staying faithful to their church's teaching on no premarital sex. These are not women who have freely chosen a life of chastity/celibacy. These are women who dearly would like to have families but as the years roll by see their hope disappear. And why? Because by and large the abstinence before marriage line isn't being bought by the majority of men. Since neither side can compromise, the men won't wait and the women won't give in, it's the women who go through life alone. Yet I do not see anyone in the church addressing this problem.

oh my god! having kids is a womans right! its the most natural thing in the world..I am sorry you went through this..this shows how dangerous spirituality can be! (the new age nonsense)
ps its not too late..i bet you can have kids and will! remember u cant take back what time u lost but u CAN make up for it,and be grateful u made it out that cult! some dont..try see it this w ay thats how i see it what im going through
LIVE hard to make up the lost years! xx

Honestly I do believe in no sex before marriage to be honest I believe sex is sacred.I have had sex with men I liked/loved but I felt used because we were not married. Honestly I am 35 and I am grateful that I did not become pregnant outside of marriage but I feel i have been isolated from people who went to mainstream churches who were normal or more normal. Personally think you have to be crazy to join these groups and I feel I could have lost a few years too of my childbearing ones

Hi Figlady,

I lost a lot of childbearing years. But I also got married post-cult in 2004 and had my son naturally at age 44, in 2006. Some of my friends were telling me I should freeze my eggs or think about my fertility. I came of age in the late 80s and 90s - I am woman hear me roar! - so there were no limits on what a woman could do! (that's meant to be a little sarcastic b/c of course we do start losing fertility as we get older and there are other limitations naturally...) I had a few miscarriages and we were starting to look at adoption, too. By some miracle, our son came naturally and is a happy, healthy little 5yo boy. :)

I still do have loss feelings because I would have loved to have more children, siblings for my son. My age plays a part and there were other factors of course but I sometimes think about all those years lost. I do think my cult years made me appreciate what i have now though. So there can be good that comes from that trauma.

The cult I was in was run by a woman therapist who has three daughters. Not one of her daughters has children. There weren't edicts against children but she kept most married couples apart. HELLO! All natural families were dysfunctional and she split them up. :( I think it's wonderful that you are experiencing that desire to have children. I think it's natural. And my sister in law was never in a cult and she tried and tried to get pregnant and could not. It was heartbreaking and she ended up adopting two gorgeous babies! She has twins :) LOL

Beth

You don't mention being in a stable relationship. You don't sound like you'd be happy being a single mom. Have you explored other avenues?
You don't state where you are living, but if it's a big town, there will be mentor programs available. You could mentor a child. Some hospitals with ICU wards have programs that allow women to come in and hold babies that are in from long stays. I've always wanted to be part of these programs, but as yet, have not. I imagine they are a lot more difficult to get into these days then when I first heard about them 20 years ago.
How about being someone's favorite Aunt? My children are blessed with two motherless Aunties who are a cross between a mother and a grandmother, in the manners they nuture, guide, and just have fun with.

Best wishes

Hi. I can totally relate to your situation and I'm really, really sorry you had the experiences you did. There's nothing much more painful a woman can have happen than being denied motherhood if she feels she is meant to be a mother. The group I was with for 13 years told me in a "ceremony" not to have children because of my medical conditions. This was supposedly a message from the Great Spirit and I was told definitively not to even try to get pregnant. I was an absolute wreck. And then as I was leaving, they offered to sell me a child- basically that I could "adopt" one for a certain fee. Of course I said no, but I did not recognize until I left the group that this is so illegal and they have done it twice before (sold children to women). Now I desperately want a child but I placed so much faith in the leader of the group that I am still terrified to try. I am 32 years old and have never been pregnant- doctors say I should be ok to carry, maybe high risk, but should be ok. And yet this "ceremony" still dictates through my intense fear of them being right whether or not I allow myself to have kids.

Wow, inverness, that sounds awful. Have you gone to therapy since then? I can relate to the fear being instilled about making the wrong choices. That just sounds terrorizing. We need to get out from that programming of fear. Glad you got an OK from a doc, that must help.

Funny how we can see how messed up a group & leader were, and how they were acting so abusively and immorally, yet still worry that they were right about the worst stuff they said about us.

Hug,
figlady
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Figlady and the others, I'm so sorry that you were so abused by these controlling people. No one has the right, authority, OR ability to define you! No one is psychic! These people were projecting onto you what they wanted you to internalize so that they could more easily control you and drive you around like little cars. You know, the sorts the Shriners drive in those parades :) C'mon! Lighten up! They WANTED you to loathe yourselves! One of the things Christian missionaries are taught, for example, is that you have to make people think they're lost so that you can then "save" them. Sell them an illness, in other words, so that you can then charge them for the cure. Don't buy into it!

And please don't think your lives are over or that you don't have any options. I had my first child at almost 37 and my second at almost 39, and they're wonderful. You have done your best at every step of the way; if you could have done anything differently, you would have. That's simply where you were at the time. Accept it, embrace it, contemplate what you've learned thus far, and move forward. Trust yourself to make the best decisions for yourself - you're the only one who can really know you. And I do wish you all the best!