Losing so many childbearing years
Date: January 22, 2011 10:27AM
I am going through something a lot right now and thought it would be a good time to post something here to see if anyone else can relate or knows of a related thread I could read.
When I was in the ashram it was very clear that kids were not welcome, if you were putting Spirituality as your number one priority you had to put Yourself first and that could not involve kids if you were really Committed to your Healing unto God. Occasionally someone would come who had kids but they would not really get to the inner circle. The women in the group were either women like me who said they didn't want kids, or older women who'd already had kids when they were younger. I actually already thought I didn't want kids before I got to the group, but I was already very ill emotionally and physically when I arrived there.
I had 2 abortions while I was in the group. Was in the group from '03 to '09 and had one abortion in '04 and one in '06, when I was ages about 29 and 31 (I'm 35 now). I had some mixed feelings about it at the time but I wanted so badly what was being advertised (my spiritual healing) and wanted to demonstrate I would put it above everything else... also my boyfriend wasn't interested in fathering and although he said he'd be financially supportive, I decided I didn't want to start as a single mother. Looking back with my views on abortion now I would not make this choice again.
Now I am in therapy and coming to some painful realizations about how I really thought I didn't want to be part of the world and participate, with a career, family, etc. and thought I was better than those who had this normal life. Now I'm finding out that this lack of desire to be part of things might be more grossly dysfunctional (related to childhood neglect etc.) than some healthy desire to "wake up". I did have some very profound spiritual experiences over the years and so this reinforced for me the "spiritual bypass" habit very deeply (avoiding real life problems with another spiritual high). I mean, I think there is still something inside me that wants to wake up from delusion but the way I was going about it was sure not working.
Now I am left feeling these urges in my body of wanting a baby, and facing the possibility that I might go through early onset menopause and that even if I don't, it is getting late in years already. And I still don't know whether I want a family, who knows how long that will take to become clear, maybe time I don't have anymore. I have been reading even some adoption agencies don't take women over 40.
I was living for years out in the woods, only rarely going into town for supplies. Now I am moving into a bigger town (not very big but still challenging for me) and when I go to the store all I can see are families with kids and babies everywhere. It makes me want to disappear, to not face the world with their happy families and jobs and feeling like, where did the last decade go? Why did I make so many mistakes? It is so painful.
It must be a common experience amongst female cult members -- losing their childbearing years? I would love to hear if anyone can relate or point to any written stuff on this.
I don't mean to criticize someone for not wanting to have kids. I just wanted to share my struggle here.
Thanks for being there.