Re: trying to recover from the new-age movement
Date: September 26, 2010 02:25PM
Wow, you're really making me think here...
How have the teachings affected me? I was dependent on them, like I needed them, like a drug, like I would be doing my daily activities but my focus would be gone because my mind would be somewhere else, thinking about new-age stuff. Every problem or situation I had in my life, I'd rush home and constantly check to see if there was a new energy alert posted, because if it was, they were supposed to validate things. And perhaps it would validate why I was having that problem. I analyze my thoughts and feelings all the time to the point where all that thinking makes me go crazy, like I can't function. Whenever I feel a negative emotion, which is anything other than the joyful positivity new-agers promote, I go on autopilot and ask, "why am I feeling this emotion? Everyone's a mirror and we're all one, whether I like it or not, whether I want to be or not, so that person is reflecting this emotion back to me and I must move past and heal it if I am to be happy, because that is what the lightworkers and books tell me to do, because they say if I do that, I'll have this great new life with another expanded conciousness and that's where we're heading and that's supposed to make me happy." That is my automatic thinking that I can't help.
Part of me says, "I don't want to be like all those people. Their voices and writings sound like clones, robotic, and yet they say they are happy, so they must be, but I'm not, and that means maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe I am defective. Maybe I'm missing the boat here, what if they are right and I am wrong? Maybe I haven't healed myself enough. Yeah, that's it. And after I've healed yourself of negative emotions (which seems like a never-ending process), maybe I'll be free, and I'll feel the happiness they claim to have."
Except that I don't. But that doesn't seem to matter. I guess you could say that it's inferred, or stated outright in some channelings, that eventually I will, after I move through the seemingly endless negative emotions I have. "we did, and it worked for us" they say. "It may not seem like it does now, but just keep waiting... just wait... eventually it will. You want it now, that is impatience, that is bad. Patience and perseverance is good."
Which doesn't make me feel any better either. And if they switch from "a new life is coming" to "the new life is here! It's already here!" and I'm still going through the same stuff, I think, "this is it? This isn't a great life" and they say, "Being in a higher demension isn't what you thought it would be. That's the ego talking. That's expectation. You are not supposed to have that. Just go with the flow, and life will fall into place, and your feelings will turn around." Except they don't.
That is how it's affecting my life now. That's the automatic cycling that happens. I'm just trying to help you see inside my brain.
How would I feel if I chose not to ascend and went to another 3d world instead? That's a tough one. I've forgotten how to feel. Kinda numb actually. No oppinion. Let me see. It's not a gripping, terrifying fear. It's not an anxiety attack. It's something, I feel something but I can't put my finger on it. It's a "I don't want to suffer anymore, why is that the only other choice besides being an ascended master? Neither of those choices sound appealing to me but they're all I have, you say, so maybe you're right. You say you did all the work to become enlightened and you're more spiritual than me, so naturally I believe you. What would I know?"
Depressed, that's the word. I think I feel depressed, hopeless, sad. That's how I feel when they say say those things to me.
You hit the nail on the head. Those lightworkers are "on the path" and the normal people who have never heard of this stuff are "in the world." The lightworkers complain what a challenge ascension is, how hard it is to be a lightworker, how nobody understand them, how they felt different as children, and that was the reason. Because they were lightworkers, they had a mission and they knew it, they had to awaken the rest of humanity, and they say how sad it made them that humanity refused to awaken, how they were forced to accept that humanity wanted to remain asleep. And that they weren't supposed to judge, so they weren't going to, but they still kept sharing stories of ascension symptoms, complaining about how difficult their lives were becoming the more they ascended, and saying that someday, a change is coming, they could feel it, any day now, just keep holding on...
I think they're a bunch of space cadets, but that is judging them. My mind says that's bad and I do not know what the difference between having an oppinion about someone, and judging them, is. Um, What is the difference?
I stopped reading that but it's in my mind still. Let's see, how would I feel if I just didn't look at any more websites (which I'm trying not to do), left the new-age completely, and functioned in the outside world? I'd be so happy to be rid of the new-age! How liberated I would be, not to have to analyze everything! But part of me would be afraid (maybe it is fear, then?) that what they are saying is true, and if I do not analyze my thoughts and emotions, I will go back to whoever I was in the 3d world, I won't be happy. I really wasn't happy in the 3d world anyway. That's the reason why I joined the ascension movement. They made it seem so glorious. This world has wars, crimes, natural disasters, people doing things out of jealousy or anger, people are mean. But the 5D world is supposed to be one without anger and jealousy and other crap. I thought people would be nice to each other, everybody lives in harmony and gets along. At least, they make it seem that way.
I guess depression is how I feel. Depressed, sad and miserable. That is my answer. The new world isn't fun or enjoyable when you're constantly creating it yourself, analyzing your thoughts/feelings. It's not all it's cracked up to be. But the old world isn't great either.
That is the best I can do to describe what I am thinking and feeling when you ask me those questions. I hope it is good enough.
I felt lonely and misunderstood as a child, too. I'd actually never heard of a life mission/purpose until somebody told me that we were supposed to have one, long ago. I thought, "we are?" and they said, I think it was on Oprah, "your job is to figure it out, live it, be conciously aware of it, and that's why so many people are so unhappy, because they haven't found it yet." I thought, "well, now that you mention it, I'm not *completely* happy in my life. I don't have everything I want. It's not horrible but it's not excellent either. There's a few things I could tweak to make it better." That's how it all started.
Except I was happier before I even heard of a life mission, and that I was supposed to find one. It made me think too hard and analyze everything. Then they say I'm supposed to have "prosperity conciousness" or abundance. I don't have many material possessions, nor do I want any. I'm content with the little I have. But they say that deep down, I feel as though I don't deserve abundance, and if I changed my thoughts, I'd get more. Think of an area in life where you can improve, they said. Money? I don't want to be rich, but I can use a little more to live comfortably. Just a couple voice students would be nice. I don't want luxury cars or big houses or designer clothes. I never did. Just somebody to talk to for company, my little one-bedroom apartment with my angel collection on the dresser, a balcony, my books and keyboard and flute and computer, a small amount of functional clothes and furniture and a few voice students so I can have a small career, just to live comfortably so I have a little savings in my account each month. Nothing more. I don't want fancy restaurants or high-matainence relationships. Spinning classes and choral rehearsals make me perfectly happy.
But the law of attraction people say that is my ego talking, (the little self" they call it, and that spirit actually wants abundance, lots of stuff. Don't be modest, think big! Go wild! they say. You ndeserve it! I say, it's not that I feel I don't deserve it. It's not a question of deserving anything. I just don't want it. I don't like clutter. But they don't want to hear that. I hate consumerism, and so am unpopular here in the U.S. I'm a unique rarity. I like things neat and organized. The new-agers say that that means I like to control things, and that I should give up my desire for control, and I should detach from outcomes. They say control and attachment and desires are bad, and the only way I'll get what I want is to let go of attachment to outcomes.
But that doesn't make sense. Why would I want something if I already had it? If I had everything I wanted, I wouldn't be asking for anything, would I? If I didn't care about how a situation turns out, I wouldn't want a certain outcome, or a situation to have certain details, but I do care. And the new-agers say caring is bad.
What do I think about that? That's a hard one. There's always an area of my life that could be a little better, and when I don't get exactly what I asked for, they say, "it's you. You didn't do the process correctly, think the right thoughts, feel the right feelings, visualize it clearly enough. It's not instant, it takes practice, it's hard but you'll get there." Except that what they want you to do feels impossible to me. No matter how much work I do, it's always me. The law works every time, they say.
I can see what they're saying to a point. Positive brings more positive and negative brings more negative. But it's not earth-shattering, it's psychology and no spiritual law but everyone seems to think it's a law, and (how do I say this), no matter whether they say, "it works instantly" or "it takes times, effort and practice to master" they find a way of explaining how it works every time and I can't find anything to question because some stuff they say is pretty common-sense. To that, they agree and still call it the Secret. Of course if you work hard enough at something for a long-enough period of time you'll get it. Duh! That isn't shocking. The only reason I got involved in the whole law of attraction thing was because I achieved results by working and struggling all my life, and if there was an easier way, I was going to find it. Because honestly, I was tired of struggle and going through all this crap!
But there's the possibility they might be right and I could be wrong. It seems like whatever you say, they either deflect your questions or agree with you, because there's a grain of truth in everything. If you say "the Secret is easy?" they say yes. You ask if it's hard and they either say "yes" or "it depends on what you think." Sal Rachele says "the paradox is, once you do the hard work, life is easy." I hate paradoxes. Seems like they're always right and I'm always wrong.
He went to Silva Mind-Control, and I've never heard of it. What is it? I researched it but could find only glowing reviews but I don't like this "mind control" deal. Something fishy is going on with that Secret and stuff...
But the cycle begins again. "there's no definitive right and wrong" they say. Even though they have a comeback that seems to be always right on some small common-sense level. If I think there is right and wrong, my mind goes, "don't do that. That's judgment. That's bad."
If I judge, I will be in the world. And the lightworkers say to be "in the world but not of it" the way the Bible says, like a Course in Miracles. They use the Bible but in a different way than Christianity. They say it's right but it doesn't sound right to me, even though I can't find a thing wrong with their interpretation. If that makes sense.
Anyway, the thought of me living in the outside world makes me relieved, liberated, happy, but not completely happy. Which makes me unhappy.
The thought of staying in the new-age and doing all this work to be happy, makes me unhappy. But if I don't stay with the lightworkers, I might lose the possibility, the hope, that I could be completely happy one day.
How do I let go of the mirroring and detachment stuff? I don't like those beliefs, I don't want them. But if I give them up, I'm worried and (I can't think of the word. It's not terrified or fearful. Maybe a little fear) that I will never have everything I want and not be content.
Needing people... they say I'm not supposed to need anyone or get attached to anyone. That makes me feel sad, depressed, lonely. Because I do need people. For companionship and affection. We're not all one. We're all different and unique. Giving yourself companionship and affection is not the same thing as having someone else give it to you, no matter what the lightworkers say. You can still be independent and need people, I think. But when I'm the only one who feels like that in the new-age, it doesn't make me popular. Which makes me more lonely and isolates me even further.
If I need people and go out in the world, I'm afraid I'll get sucked into the "drama and trauma" thing, as new-agers call it. People on Earth now, they fight with each other, are sarcastic and mean and are not happy in relationships. They have all these problems they complain about.
The new-age relationship is supposed to be peaceful, which is why it attracted me in the first place. A world free from all those negative emotions. Sounds appealing. But being robots doesn't sound appealing, on second thought...
Then they do the bait-and-switch and say, "look! In the new world you'll still have challenges and problems and transmute negative feelings into unconditional love! Isn't that great?!" Um, I say no. I guess no matter what option you pick, you'll never be happy. You either feel negative emotions, transmute them in the new world, or be a cold, unfeeling, flaky space-cadet robot. If that's enlightenment I don't want it, but the other choices aren't thrilling either.
And the NDEs? New-agers don't have that as an option. Why live in a perfect, ideal world? they say. Who would want that? How would you learn or grow? they say. I think, "aren't you the ones who said spiritual growth was supposed to be fun? If I lived in an ideal otherworld like NDEs claim exists, what's wrong with that?" They kinda snub their noses at that, and as I see my view is not popular, it's hard to stand on my own and hold it.
So how do I feel? Depressed, hopeless, sad and lonely. Unable to function and whenever I go to the outside world, I start applying new-age concepts to everyone and everything around me, which I don't want to do, but I can't argue because there's a grain of truth in all of them. The mirroring thing thing, it's really common sense because we all feel some emotions at one time or another. Everyone feels sad. That's no reason to analyze it to death. But maybe getting rid of it will make a person happy...
It's a circle...
That is the best I can do for now. I am trying to sort it all out and learn how to feel and think for myself again. Giving permission myself to have feelings is scary. Maybe I'm afraid, after all. Maybe I'm afraid I won't have a nice, peaceful NDE like all those other people. Maybe I'm afraid that is not an option because the lightworkers look down on that. Maybe I am afraid that with my modest lifestyle, my unenlightened beliefs, the fact that I don't do any spiritual practices at all because I don't like them, and all... maybe I'm afraid of feeling that I'm not good enough to have what I want. And I'm the only who feels that way. And because I'm the only one, my choice is invallid.