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Findingmywaytoday
If there is one thing I do miss about the organization (and I believe I can find this elsewhere, I am just not sure yet) is the motivated feeling I had about my life when I chanted. I did believe anything was possible. I want this feeling back, but I don't want to chant. I don't believe I have to chant because I see many people who are motivated and don't chant at all, or even know what the SGI is.
I also feel like I want to not have a Gohonzon anymore because I feel so disappointed in those who lead me down the SGI path. I feel hurt, and betrayed in some ways. I don't want to be reminded or tempted anymore. Who can I talk to to help me with my feelings. I have been in therapy to help me with other issues, but I don't even know where to begin in talking about the SGI? I used to chant about things to help me about my life. Now where do I turn when I need help and guidance and it is in regards to the SGI. It has been very confusing to me, please help me if you can. Has anyone been through deprogramming for the SGI? Where did you go?
Findingmywaytoday, I remember feeling the same way. I too was once a loyal SGI member, and I struggled with the decision to leave. When I finally did leave, I felt angry, betrayed, and anxious. I'd joined because I was interested in Buddhism and wanted to learn more about it. I was going through relationship and job problems and wanted to find a way to change my life. I wanted to help others. I loved the idea of having a Sangha, a community of people who were looking for the same thing that I was. I threw myself into activities, study and chanting; I followed my leaders' guidance. And what did I get? Mentor/disciple! Membership in a personality cult to a rich narcissist, a chance to work my tail off to make a billionaire richer! Who'd have joined if they'd known that?
SGI DID betray us -- and I think it's entirely reasonable to be angry...just don't get stuck in anger for years, as it will hurt you, not SGI.
After leaving, I wished for someone to talk to about the Soka Gakkai. I really couldn't find anyone other than the people on this forum. Friends and family who had never been in SGI really didn't understand it. SGI members are going to tell you to come back -- what else would they say? I didn't think a therapist would understand my experiences in SGI. I don't know any deprogrammers.
I muddled through on my own. This forum helped me a lot, this thread especially. I have also gotten a lot out of the "Recovery" and the "Cults, Sects and New Religious Movements" forums. Even reading about other sects and groups helped -- whether a group is Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, secular.....certain kinds of groups use a lot of the same tricks to manipulate people! You can read about some other group and say, "Oh! I know that trick! SGI used it too!"
Who can you go to for guidance? Therapists, friends, family members sometimes can make helpful suggestions or help you be clearer about what you want. Would your therapist be willing to read some of this thread, or some of the background material on the Rick Ross archives to better understand what you're dealing with? And really -- why not trust your own judgement? This is the game SGI and other cults play -- to make you feel that you can't trust your own judgement. They want to make you dependent on the organization -- can't have members actually thinking for themselves! They might see through the organization's BS, and then where would the organization be? I did get guidance a few times when I was in SGI -- and it just left me with a bad feeling. The guidance just did not feel right. I thought that my leaders knew more about my life than I did. Well, they didn't, and why did I expect that they would?
Awhile back, I read some SGI website with experiences -- and it made me long to go back to SGI! The urge passed, after a day or so. It can be very tempting -- the notion that you can chant and overcome anything. It's a seductive fantasy, but is it really true? Are SGI members, as a whole, REALLY more successful and happy than people who have never been in SGI? No. As you've noticed, there are many successful and motivated people who don't even know about SGI, and some SGI members get so caught up in SGI that they don't have, or make time to work for their goals.
One woman who posted here mentioned writing an experience for an SGI publication -- and the publishers changed her experience. Members may exaggerate how bad their problem was -- or exaggerate their accomplishments -- in order to make an experience sound better. Maybe they give the chanting credit for something that might have happened without it. It was really all the studying, not the daimoku, that brought their grades up. The illness would have eventually run its course anyway. A few years can change a rebellious teenager into an independent, sensible, and considerate young adult. Accidents, death, illness, and lay-offs happen to even the most dedicated Soka Gakkai members.
If you're in an organization like SGI, your thinking does get manipulated in certain ways, without you even realizing it. I was shocked to discover this after I left SGI. I thought that while I was in, I questioned things and didn't buy into SGI-think. And yet after I left....I found I had a lot of SGI-think stuck in my head. I feared that bad things would happen to me because I left -- and criticized SGI. I worried that I wouldn't be able to maintain the positive changes I'd made in my life without SGI. So much of my time had been taken up by chanting or SGI activities -- what was I going to do without SGI? I spent so much time with SGI members -- wasn't it going to be lonely without them?
What I've discovered in the past few years? I'm capable of making good decisions, without guidance from leaders. I can set goals and achieve them. I've criticized SGI, and nothing disastrous has happened to me. The people that I knew in SGI were not my real friends. I enjoy having more free time to pursue my own interests -- and to spend time with people who care about me, not just what I can be persuaded to do for SGI. It feels so freeing to live without the guilt and fear that SGI promotes in its members.
None of this happened overnight...it took time. Posting in this thread helped me so much. Reading different forums and threads on this website helps. Writing always helps me see my life more clearly. I think that just the passage of time helps.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2010 10:01AM by tsukimoto.