Hello everyone,
I started practicing in 1983 but I've been detached from any participation with any Soka Gakai groups because it just didn't get to me and I thought I just wasn't ready for it. I would go to meetings every now and than but never got hooked on this ITAI DOSHIN feeling I was supposed to have with any groups. I moved around a lot and met new members and also went to some meetings and new groups but still never felt inspired to give it all I've got and get totally involved. But because I felt so good after Gongyo and daimoku I realized that some guilt was nagging at me for not devoting more time and energy to the SGI, but I also knew that feeling guilt is a desctructive emotion and not what buddhism is about. This awareness has helped me detect any manipulative attempt to get me to join any activity that didn't feel ok with me deep inside. It all started with Street SHAKUBUKU when I first started out in 1983. I refused to do it because I remembered Nichiren's words I read that said something like ''know a person's heart when you talk to them about the law...''
Trying to read or understand the Gosho was hard for me, and I was never able to really enjoy 'the New Human Revolution' book.... Over the years I often felt the old GUILT feelings resurface here and there with certain statements or comments coming to me in various ways which only turned me off more and more. I went to many different meetings from LA, FL, TX all the way to Paris, Brussels and Germany but was never able to stick to the horse like a fly on its tale. I must say that no Soka Member or Leader ever ran after me, nor tried to convince me to be more involved. I was never hassled or threatened by anyone only by my inner seeking mind wondering why I couldn't get myself more involved with activities within the SGI even though I had grown so much stronger from steady daily practice and study. (I even wondered if I was a Bad Buddhist or a hypocrite?....) In spite of my attitude many often asked me why I wasn't a group leader, why I wasn't having meetings at my house.... Why? Because that would mean I have to follow the rules.... go to study meetings, and other meetings and even more meetings and I knew I wasn't ready nor willing to do that, maybe I would some day but not now. Looks like that some day never came and never will....
I usually go to the SGI Center when I need some supplies on days which is 1-2 times a year. Many are surprised and happy to see me and nobody ever pressures me. The leaders that know me are nice, respectfull and friendly even though they never see me involved. I recently helped someone's shakubuku because this person lives almost next door and wanted to go to a meeting. Open minded me I decided to go with her and check it out after nearly 3 years since my last meeting which turned me off. The 1st meeting with this group was good and I loved the beautifull sound of daimoku, even the comments made sense and I felt positive about it all so I was willing to attend a 2nd meeting with the same group the following month and again I was touched by the powerful sound of daimoku when we walked in.... but when the discussion about MASTER & DISCIPLE started, I thought to myself (Oh No, not again!!!). I listened to all that nonsense I had heard at those few previous meetings before and reacted with the same aversion as I did a few years back. I was hoping they wouldn't ask for my opinion but they did and they got it straight from my heart.... I said with all due respect for Daisaku, I am very sorry but I cannot identify myself with me being his disciple and the more you talk about it and the more I don't want to hear about it. I don't understand why we always talk about Daisaku Ikeda's greatness at every meeting instead of teaching members how to get more out of the correct attitude while practicing this buddhism, and I cannot and will never be able to bring my shakubukus to any of these meetings as long as this goes on... After the meeting I left because I said what I had to say and didn't want to talk about it anymore. This Daisaku Ikeda discussion have been going on for years and who am I to want to change that? Since than, nobody has contacted me except for those who agree with me and are also wondering about the way SGI has been acting lately. I am confused and for now I just practice and remind myself that Nichiren said to follow the Law and not the people.
Thank you for reading and I am very gratefull to have a place where I can publicly announce my Official Divorce with the SGI. Now lets hope I can deal with it..
ExMio
Quote
The most dangerous lie is that which most closely resembles the truth.