Re: LGAT ideas on a therapist's abuse recovery website
Date: October 19, 2008 12:42AM
Another poster on the verbal abuse forum is having a very hard time with what is happening. She has articulated the crazy-making discussion going on there. It all smacks of LGAT rackets and how they are used to confuse, and also to insulate the manipulator. This is kind of sad to read. Her words are in italics.
I have more thoughts relating to this (that kept me awake yet AGAIN this morning)... summarizing things I've heard the past few days...
A. We're told to share our feelings and experiences, but...(my note, they got blasted when they did)
B. We're also told to de-sensitize ourselves to emotional triggers...(my note, don't take everything personally, toughen up)
C. and yet sensitize ourselves to disrespectful behavior from others (because we were told that we've normalized it and can't tell when we're experiencing it/seeing it).
Yet, when I shared how I felt as a result of a certain disrespectful behavior, I was told it wasn't applicable to share that. (However, see points A and C.)
All these things seem diametrically opposed. There doesn't seem to be a way to "be correct." It's an impossible situation.
Maybe it was a regional or generational thing, but when I was growing up, it was considered rude and mean to say certain things... among these, specifically, were words like "Tough!" and "Who cares?" (the latter of which is another one I've seen sometimes...not recently, but frequently enough to have it weigh on my mind). They were likely considered inappropriate because of the connotations of nastiness and disdain associated with such terms. People who were not bullies just didn't say those things, but people who were bullies, did. (And I grew up in a suburb of Detroit, not the South where manners are more highly valued.) And in all the intervening decades, I've rarely if ever seen or heard those words used. So I'm not accustomed to seeing them used to/from people who were not intentionally being mean. I wasn't aware of their usage as being appropriate in polite situations. If it is my lack of awareness at fault, I apologize.
This poster then goes on to relate a story about her abusive spouse, who would yell at her and when SHE became upset, would tell her "don't take it that way", which is EXACTLY what the PhD owner of this board did to her.
In the past, he has also said "Don't take it that way" when I've told him how his anger affects me. He said, "Don't take it that way. You know I don't mean anything by it." So he is putting the responsibility for the effects of his behavior onto me - how I take it - which I thought we learned is not appropriate. He doesn't have to own his anger and its effects - I am supposed to own my upset at his anger, and it's my fault if I get upset from his behavior (?).