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vlinden
Hi Nettie,
I know, I'm sure you're right. It was actually a very big deal for me to hear him say these things to me yesterday. After he got out of the Forum a few weeks ago, he displayed all the same signs that so many people have posted about here on this board. He was totally self centered, he seemed disconnected from me in a new way I'd never seen. And of course he was spouting jargon.
I was so angry at the time I couldn't see straight. I wasn't loving or compassionate at all toward him. Because it seemed Landmark had given him some kind of validation of his weaknesses in our relationship. Instead of fighting them, and fighting FOR us, he just sort of gave in. Probably after being told what a loser asshole piece of crap he was for three days, he decided he really was, and only Landmark could help him. At that point I think I just became an obstacle.
Of course it was all more complex than this. But I hated the phone call I got from him after Landmark. I think he was trying to "complete" with me.
I remember he said he hoped we could still be friends. And I said, "Why??" (I was very angry). And he said, "Well, one way or the other I'll be having a relationship with you for the rest of my life."
To me, this was just another self-centered perspective. Like, oh, great, well I'm glad you'll be having a relationship with me, but it doesn't look like I"ll be having one with you anymore, so excuse me while I go have a total breakdown.
And he kept saying at the end that he knew this call was going to be hard, as if I should congratulate him on having the balls to call me and "complete." I wish he had just never called.
Then in the ensuing weeks, while he was dealing with the "emotional roller coaster" Landmark put him on, we were totally disconnected from each other. And when I asked him how he felt when he remembered what we once had (which was an amazing connection and a very pure, innocent kind of love -- we called each other "twin stars"), he said he felt "a little sad."
A LITTLE SAD???!!!
It was impossible. It was like he'd had his heart shut down along with his critical mind. And you know, they ARE connected. Everything is connected.
Anyway. Yesterday was a bit of closure for me. Just to have him write to me from his heart, and say he was missing me. I've been missing him terribly.
But . . . alas. He is going to do the Advanced Course. This coming week, I think.
I told him this morning that yes, I think I can be friends with him the future, but that I won't be willing to listen to any Landmark jargon, so if he can talk to me without "enrolling me in the possibility of transformation" then perhaps we can relate as humans.
I'm scared to imagine how he will be when he comes out of the Advanced Course. I put a few thoughts in his head to take with him to Landmark:
Life is meangingful
You are far more than your "rackets" and "winning strategies"
It's okay to look good
You are your mind
Some things are actually NOT possible
Werner Erhard is a sociopathic, abusive, sleazebag con-man
Couldn't help myself. =)
I also reminded him that this coming week I will be lying on the white sands of a Mexican beach. He was supposed to have been there with me, but instead he'll be sitting in a cheesy colorless room wearing a silly name tag and getting fleeced by Landmark.
Choices. We are also our choices.
I'm crying as I type this. Because this week is the anniversary of the day me and my ex-fiancee consummated our love after waiting many, many months.
We wanted to be sure.
A year ago, I was placing a ring on her finger. It was CZ and blue, the exact tint she loved.
I remember in the end the whole "wanting to be complete and be heard," and "having a relationship still but friends" in a sadness-tinged monotone.
She chose a faceless corporation over me.
If this wouldn't have happened, our wedding date was set for this month.
Next week, in fact.
I remember all the wonderful things she said...that turned out to be lies.
One of my dear friends had a best friend in Landmark. I've never told any more than one other person about this (a stranger, in hopes they wouldn't join LE), but very shortly after he quit LE, he took his own life. He was/is a beautiful person. He was just confused about life and thought LE had the answers.
And after he was shattered, he died.
At nearly the same time my ex left me or a month thereabouts.
I only have loss and emptiness left...the only thing giving me any joy is a comination of meds and the help I give my clients daily. I'm living and I do live...to be in service of a small group of people who want professional help.
Racket, looking good, "my story"?
No.
Reality.
And still I cry, Vlinden.