Fronting and Dog Shit Sundae - Wisdom From Dan Savage
Posted by: corboy ()
Date: September 04, 2019 08:09PM

(Readers must be over 18. Note to those over age 18: Dan Savage material may not be safe reading in some work places.)




So while it's true that people have forgiven worse, SOS, I don't think you should forgive this.

And here's why: You only just started dating this guy and all the good things you mentioned at the top—everything that made him seem like a good, decent, lovely and possibly loving guy (the cooking, the massages, the compliments, etc.—sound like the kind of best-foot-forward fronting people do at the start of relationships. There's nothing wrong with that; the kind of person who doesn't make an effort to impress early in a relationship is the kind of person who can't be bothered to make any effort later in the relationship.

Everyone erects facades, SOS, but some people are slapping those facades on slums you wouldn't wanna live in and others are slapped on what turns out to be pretty decent housing. And to continue to torture this metaphor... when the crack opens in the facade, as it inevitably does, and you finally get a peek behind it, you aren't a fool if it turns out there's a slum behind that facade.

You're a fool if you move in instead of moving on.

Anyway, SOS, everybody fronts but eventually people reveal who they really are when they're no longer trying to impress—and your brand new boyfriend revealed himself to be a selfish and uncaring asshole with no respect for your body or your boundaries.

He was on his best behavior until your guard was down. Then he violated you, he sexually assaulted you, he rape-adjacent'd you.

Those aren't flaws you can learn to live with or actions you can excuse. Move on.

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Bliss is Candy Sprinkles on a Dog Shit Sundae - Dan Savage
Posted by: corboy ()
Date: September 04, 2019 08:13PM



If abusers were abusive 24/7—if they weren't capable of doling out a little bliss now and then—no abusive relationship would last longer than one date.

Like all abusers, he parcels out the good times, doping you up with a little bliss now and then, because he knows that these glimpses of how great things could be convince you to stick around against your better judgment.

The bliss is a con, HDTH, a weapon that he uses against you, just as much a part of the cycle of abuse as his tantrums, fits, and threats of violence are. Think of the good times as rainbow sprinkles on a dog-shit sundae—sprinkles or no sprinkles, you're still standing there with a bowlful of dog shit in your hands.

Get a couple of friends to come over when he's at work or out of town, box up your shit, and leave. You can't change him. Go.

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