My experience was 8 yrs. and For a while I thought I was doing fine even though in the back of my mind I think about the leader and it scares me. Now I really want to get passed this, my counselor says I'm stuck in the past and need to move forward and stay in the present. But. sometimes it is so overwhelming I feel like I am in a trance and can't come out of it. It all seems so demonic. Have I gone too far, never to return? The cult leader said he would be give my an experience to know that I blasphemed the Holy Spirit. I was terrified. After putting many things together I believe he was some sort of mixture between being a warlock and a satanist. He has very odd thoughts that intrigued me as I tried(failed) to witness to him about Christ. It's been a really hard road. I want my life back or I want the life I never really had so I will not hear these voices of condemnation anymore...
Hi akita I am really sorry to hear about your experiences. I understand what you are talking about. In my cult we had to concentrate and pray/meditate whilst focusing on a picture of the leader every day for a lot of time. We were always looking at pictures of him and meant to be making a kind of inner connection/bond with him, as if he was to be taking us over you could say. At the same time we were very scared of upsetting him and he would get angry and put us down for not being 'spiritual' enough or not being 'pure' enough. He was meant to be God but was also someone to be feared so he mixed the idea of absolute power over me in with the idea that I should be very afraid to disobey him.
It has been hard to separate those things back out in my mind now becos I was used to believing that the strongest power over my life was my teachers and I should be afraid all the time becos i was not obeying him. So that is similar to what you are saying. But it is not true actually that he does have power over me and its not true that he is the strongest power in the world.
We were told that if we left him, evil forces would get us. He would not be able to protect us from evil forces that are in the world. He told some people they would get cancer and that we would get attacked by these forces. I was afraid for a long time that someone would break in and hurt me at night becos the evil forces would use them to hurt me.
Gradually over time I have improved all this. I used to think of God and the teachers face would be there in my mind glaring at me. I focused on him for so long,how could it not be. Then it would be like I could think of God but the teacher would be to the side of him in my mind, still making me anxious and afraid. That is fading more now and I am building a stronger feeling or image of God now and I am realising that God - in my case meaning the true God that is all love and light is a safe God that is taking care of me and that God is the most powerful, more powerful than the cult leader. So my belief in the teachers power is fading.
I hope my experiences will help you feel you are not alone and that you can get thru this given time and find your own beliefs that are supportive to you. This is a hard thing and it does take time. Try and be supportive to yourself if you can to make it as easy on yourself as possible while you go thru the process. best wishes
Thanks for the response, I remember talking with him on the phone and I told him I "know" who you are. He said if I tell him who he is he would tell me who I am. Very weird, but I know he wanted me to call me father. I did not say it and I'm glad I did not. When he realized I was not going to move to his small town cult that was when everything turned evil. I remember praying a lot during this time. One night I got down on my knees and said father and immediately the devil answered. I shook my head and tried to pray again and still the same. Now 8 yrs. later it is better but I still have that memory and it always scares me.
Thanks for your response, I will keep on plugging away,
Hi Akita I'm truly sorry for what you have suffered. I totally agree with the rr moderator who suggests trying to reach out for professional help because talking to someone one on one would be best I am sure. There is no shame in that at all. You can ask your family Doctor for a referal. If you cannot pay, please make that clear to him/her so they can recommend you to a place that is free.
Please do seek out help as you can heal but it might take more than you can find on a forum however you will receive lots of useful information here. Keep reading here and keep talking to others who have experienced the same type of abuses at the hands of these evil people.
You are worth investing in the time to recover. You can do it. Please call someone today and get the support that will get you on the path to starting a new and wonderful life.
Thanks for the responses. I have been seeing a professional counselor for about 2 months now and I think it is helping. For 8 yrs. I have never met anyone that came into contact with the man I met. I have searched but never found anyone. This made things harder for me because I tend to think that maybe it was just me after all. I posted a question here on this forum about that man. Yesterday someone contacted me about his sister being involved. After 8 yrs. I now have conformation that it was not only me that was abused by this person. I cannot say how much just that contact helped me. I hope I can be of help to her as well....
I have no idea if I have ever met this man, but I can tell you honestly from even the very little bit of information you have shared that I have considered the possibility that this terrible man might be very much like my particular sociopath/former cult leader. I think you might be surprised how many people can relate to what you have been through. My own experience is that for many different reasons most victims do not openly share these types of things.
I too have heard their "voice of condemnation" and I can tell you that I am honestly concerned for your well-being if you should try to help someone else and come into contact with him/them again. I hope you counselor is willing to consider this with you, odds are he is willing and capable. :) (I hope so.)