What will help you is to sit down in front of a real person, will the skills and knowledge to help you work through this--a counsellor or other professional that you can trust.
The help that you can get from anonymous people on the internet or over the phone, however well intentioned, is limited. You need a real live person who can listen to you, in depth, and help you make some sense of what has happened.
Have you noticed how much influence this man, that you only know from the internet and over the phone, has had on you? Time to find some different, better influences, I think.
Thanks Stoic and Hi Akita777,
If it makes any difference I absolutely support you and will in any way I can, but Stoic is right.
Even before he posted I thought of many ways I could make things worse for you even with good intentions and not any way that I can substitute for a qualified and in the flesh person.