Hi Jupiter. I too am a second generation Subud member. I too think that it has devolved into a cult. Most of the people in Subud do not act badly, but there are enough to cause serious trouble. The behaviour you describe is at the worst end of the spectrum, and it's caused by the Subud belief system which is itself a train wreck, a collision between Javanese mysticism and Western seekerism.
I've noticed in myself a tendency towards irrational and inappropriate bursts of anger. In attempting to get to the bottom of that, I came across material on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which rang a few bells. It accounted for my anger, and how they worked. But I couldn't figure out what trauma might be.
Then I came across some pages on "betrayal trauma": this is the trauma you suffer when people you trust lie to you. This resonates strongly for me. I now believe that most of what Subud offers by way of theology can most honestly be described as lies. In saying that, I don't think that they are lies within a Javanese cultural context, but for responsible citizens of the United States to import and uncritically transmit these statements, turns them into lies. I think the behaviour you describe is very irresponsible. You weren't raised by adults, but wounded children that were struggling with their own problems.
That said, I don't hold Bapak blameless. He clearly played along willingly with the Western "seeker" game: go to the Orient and find yourself some "wisdom" which you can construct into a cult, a bubble in which you can live isolated from the real world. I can imagine that it was overwhelmingly seductive for a Javanese man to be plucked out of poverty, flown around, clothed in Saville Row suits, and worshipped and adored and given piles of cash by members of the same culture that had colonized his country. The temptation to play along must have been overwhelming. I understand it, but don't respect it.
I found the following book very useful in dealing with this "betrayal trauma": Len Oakes, Prophetic Charisma: The Psychology of Revolutionary Religious Personalities. It describes how setups like Subud operate, and the positive reasons why people might engage in a relationship of total subordination and dependency on another human being. There is an excerpt here:
I think it helps to understand why the trusted people (our parents) did what they did. It was not malicious, and was part of a positive attempt to improve themselves.
However, this intellectual understanding isn't enough, by itself, to heal the emotional hurt that gives rise to my anger. For this, I'm curious about the psychology of a successful exit. Have you found anything, in terms of process or support?