This is my experience, escape and recovery from a Christian cult. I came from a small, mostly independent, Reformed Baptist church and although I don't regard Reform Baptists as cultic, I do regard my former church as being that way. I spent 15 years in a church that preached legalism and fear instead of love and mercy. Combining this with an authoritarian, controlling pastor who had an obsession with the old testament and sin caused me to leave. Legalism binds your conscience to the law to the point of removing ones assurance of salvation and the joy that comes with it. My former pastor is a master at putting people on a guilt trip. The sermons would be so cutting that I felt like I've been at the losing end of a 15 round boxing match. Being sinful, we (the congragation) needed to be constantly whipped into submission by the law or else our sins will conquer us. Some church members seemed to take pride in being a more blacker, detestable sinner than others, if that makes any sense. This would cause me to go home depresseed and miserable. Acceptance with God comes when one can examine oneself and their obedience and feel that all is right and well because we have passed the test. The problem is that the works are superficial, lacking sincerity and Christian love. Going through the motions just doesn't cut it. This can cause either depression, because who can measure up, or a self-righteous judgemental nature caused by spiritual pride. This spiritual pride leads to an elitist attitude and a us-versus-them mentality. We were encouraged to associate only with believers (the church family) and not the world, who happened to be just about everyone else. I was told that my church family are my only friends that I have or ever will have. Apostacy, turning from God and being labeled a Judas was always in the back of our minds. The pastor is reverenced almost to the point of unquestioning obediance. He is seen as the "good shepard" who would give his right arm for any of the church members. This he would remind us of often. Church unity was strived for to the point of discouraging a different point of view. Consciously and unconsciously we were molded into the church's view of what they considered a Christain to be. The pastor would have great influence on one's mate, house to buy, job, budget, parental dicipline and housekeeping. He would even involve himself into couple's marriages (and he had no marriage training) putting pressure on the husband to rein in his unsubmissive wife. I know a pastor has a role to play in the lives of the congragation, but it seems to me that a lot of what went on had more to do with a power grab than helping others. As for my recovery, I'm still recovering. This involves a lot of soul searching. I had to find out why I entered the church, why I took the abuse, and what do I really believe. Before I left the church, the pastor would be more than happy to do all of that and more. But now comes the hard part, I have to take responsability for guiding my own life. There's a comfort and security in being part of a group that was detramental to my personal and spiritual growth. It is hard to comes to terms with being deceived and used. What I thought to be "the pearl of great price" or God's church is really a cult. This was shocking. I spent so much of my effort, both in terms of time and money, in a self serving organization. It hurts to realize that love, acceptance, and friendships are conditional upon maintaining a good relationship with the church. I was scorned, shunned, labeled a Judas and given over to the devil by the church in a unanmonious vote. The pastor and my best friend expressed nothing but hopelessness for my future. Finding someone to talk to was hard. To those who don't understand, I was told , "why was I so stupid" or "I told you so" or "that would have never happened to me". None of these comments are helpfull or caring and yes this could have happened to some else besides me. Leaving the church and adapting to the world that I was warned about takes time. Immediately after leaving the church, I knew that I didn't belong there, nor could I go back and I didn't belong or trust the world that the church condemned. Also my self esteeem was shot. It takes time to start over, maybe more for me since I reflect a lot. Time does heal and the bad memories, anger do fade. I can see things a lot more clearly today than a few years ago which I'm grateful for. Also I didn't give up on God. I know he's still out there and in time I hope to understand him better. I still go to church (Presbyterian) and even with the problems I still have I feel more optomistic about the future.

Larry

Can you let me know how you came to the realization that that church was up to no good? Did you leave any family members behind and how were you able to encorporate them back in your life?

Larry, A lot of the things you wrote struck a chord with me. Many in my old church also enjoyed their “dirtiest sinner” pasts and the cleansed-notoriety their pasts brought them. This was confusing to me. I also saw many of the works there as superficial — works for the sake of works, sometimes with very ugly purpose behind them. Those who succeeded in that church revered the pastor and other ministers with blind obedience.
You wrote, “Church unity was strived for to the point of discouraging a different point of view.” They took a lot of pride in this contrived “unity,” and if anyone held to a different idea, even if it was based on Scripture, they were anathema.
You wrote, “It hurts to realize that love, acceptance, and friendships are conditional upon maintaining a good relationship with the church. I was scorned, shunned, labeled a Judas and given over to the devil.” Were we in the same church or something? All of the friendships I had in that church ended, except one.
You wrote, “Also my self esteem was shot. It takes time to start over, maybe more for me since I reflect a lot. Time does heal and the bad memories, anger do fade. I can see things a lot more clearly today than a few years ago which I'm grateful for. Also I didn't give up on God.” Larry, were you allowed self esteem in that church? Most of such churches, as did mine, kill that off; that is why you stay. I think this is what happened, from reading the upper portions of your note. As far as healing the memories, although they do not go away, they hurt less in time.
Just remember that it is not our G-d’s fault that we made bad choices and stayed. I am so grateful that they kicked me out! I was afraid to leave, because they taught that I would go to hell and take my children and grandchildren with me if I left.
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Hurting, I did leave family members behind. The day they kicked me out, unknown to me, my son and his family were in the process of leaving, but I left my husband and my daughter with her family there. I also left in-laws there, but they all attend in another state.
Fortunately, my husband left after about a year, and about a year after that, my daughter and her family left, as did, eventually, her husband’s mother and some of her family. My in-laws are still there, and as I have been told, while they still love me and treat me well, they blame me for everyone leaving, and they think we are going to hell.
Hurting, I love them anyway. When I visit, I am just myself, and I don’t worry about what they think.

Hurting, you asked, “Can you let me know how you came to the realization that that church was up to no good?”

The realization, while it took a long, long time to bring forth positive fruit, began when I was ages two and three. My pastor screamed at the top of his lungs from the pulpit, screaming until his face literally turned purple and big blue veins stood out on his neck. He would spy on the members of the church, punish them, and rant at them in his office, bringing them to tears. Mother was very similar. I was unimpressed with their G-d; rather, I hated Him.

As a teen, however, I turned toward our G-d because I wanted to live a better life, and I saw Christianity as a way to do so. However, when I asked why they observed Sundays instead of Sabbath, they could not give me a logical answer. Still, I stayed. They would not allow us to read other literature or have anything to do with other churches, which, I was taught, did not have the “whole truth,” so it was all I knew.

However, one of my pastors kissed me very inappropriately in a dark hall of the church when I was 17. This put some real doubts in my mind and led me to believe that it was not just my mother and my first pastor in that church who were dead-wrong. Still, I grew up, married, and reared my children in that church, afraid to leave, because they taught me that Hell awaited those who did.

After I was widowed, another pastor asked me a sexually inappropriate question. This pastor also had some very unorthodox ideas I could not swallow. Yet another later touched me inappropriately, and when I confronted him years later, he denied it. Still I stayed, for Hell yawned darkly before me.

Another thing that really bothered me was their attitude toward education. Their pastors were very proud of being mainly biblically self-taught, and seminary was totally unacceptable, while college was strongly discouraged. My parents would not allow me to go past high school, because college was sinful. When I married and started taking college classes, they condemned me. Additionally, when I took Greek, they had a fit, but when I took Hebrew, they went completely bzerk, finally assure I was, indeed, evil. When I bought NIV Bibles for my Sunday school class, rather than having them read from the KJV, I was completely anathema.

What really made me leave this church which moved pastors about like pawns upon a chess board was a four-year encounter with pastor I will call “Bill” who, while in that church, was truly out of his place. Bill was the first pastor I could trust enough not to fear being alone with him. He loved our G-d, and he loved people. Bill was a gentleman, a thinker, and a mover. But because of all these things, he chafed the leadership to no end. They sent him off and replaced him with one of the worst pastors I had ever had. He was the one who kicked me out. Later, Bill was similarly kicked out.

I am very grateful they kicked me out: they did for me what I was not strong enough to do for myself.

Reine,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. My mother has not yet come to the realization that someone has steered her in a different direction, and she has no idea she is being controlled. It seems as though she only contacts her children when she needs 'help' with something for 'herself.'

Unfortunately I cannot continue to take this roller coaster ride. There are too many ups and downs and I am finding that my own life is passing me by... I find that I now have to concentrate on myself b/c my mom is not there for me in the way that I really need her to be. She is going through the motions, but is not the same person she used to be.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your story.

In February 2004, my family and I left a church in Montreal. The leader was very much alike what Larry has said about his. We have been there for over 11 years. It is really sad to see that at first, the pastor was really into the salvation of God but when money and power comes into play, even Christians do stumble. The lady was constantly criticizing other churches and people that have left her chruch. We were told that we shouldn't associate with our non Christian family and other people outside the church. She was the one constantly organinzing our lives to the point that it was no longer the relationship between God and us but more us and her. However, praise be to the most High that we have left this cultic church but we do pray that the families that are still in her church will come to realize her destructive scheme.

Proud of you all, & wish you the best of luck & true spirituality & healing.

I am wondering: what are the best resources that you've found help[ed] you the most? I will be volunteering with a crisis hotline in the coming months, and am curious -- just in case we happen to get calls related to cults.

Thank you.

Much love to all