Sierradawn's post from October of 2013:

Posted by: sierradawn
Date: October 09, 2013 03:00PM

Hello all,

Unfortunately due to the permanent loss of previous posts by many including all of mine and at the request of a fellow poster, I am reposting my story to continue to help others who are on the fence about whether to leave this cult known as The Living Word. If you're NOT on the fence and are curious about how such a "wonderful" church could be labeled as a cult, read on.

I was born into "The Walk" in 1976 shortly after my mother, Ann Huisman, joined this church. I grew up going to church at least 3-4 times per week. I didn't have too much of a life outside of church. Even though it was pretty much all I knew about God and religion and didn't have any other reference point, I still remember thinking how odd some things we did as a church were. Like wearing pin badges that year when it was "SHE who must be obeyed!" and participating in an auction to be able to win the privilege of talking to Gary and Marilyn as a church over the speakerphone. Good God, really??? I even bid on my parents' behalf. Barf.

By high school I was naturally becoming more independent and when a family (whose kids I was close with) chose to leave the church, I started to question the church more. I even fought with my parents about my not wanting to go on Sundays anymore because I felt like they were putting G&M on a pedestal.

Fortunately my budding career as a model right after high school graduation took me overseas and was really able to live life on my own. My love for God never stopped though, and to this day still have my faith, just not to the church. At 26 years old, after I had moved to California to take a break from modeling, I took my then-boyfriend-now-husband to a Feast service. He was so enraged by how the worship service was being conducted (the intense focus on the worship leader and making people look at each other while singing to the "Christ" in each other, remember that y'all?) that he up and walked out of the service and wished God would burn the church to the ground. I went after him that day and that was the last time I ever attended a service as a member.

I rededicated my life to Jesus shortly after that (I never really did that before since I was "born" into it and it's not something the church does - altar calls). Even still, I hesitated to call that church a cult. Why? Because as twisted as it is, there were some elements of Godly truth and as you all know, there are some amazing, loving people in that church.

It took the passing of my mother, Ann Huisman, this year in June to fully and completely sever my spiritual and emotional ties to this church. My Dad (technically stepdad since I was 4 years old) also passed on four years ago. Both of my parents had cancer. Why did I feel like I could finally sever myself that way? Shortly after my Mom had passed, I had found out that during her last year in San Diego (where my parents were living and going to church at the time) Bruce and Gilee Larson gave an order to members of the church to stop relating to her. That means she got no rides to the ER when she needed it and she was newly diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer with no support. WHY? Because my mom finally decided to live life more on her terms. That meant she made certain decisions for herself rather than just doing what Bruce and Gilee wanted her to do. They were her Designated Relationships along with a few others, by the way. I'll let the following letter I wrote to Bruce and Gilee speaks for itself:

Bruce and Gilee,

I need to get this off my chest. I hope you will be willing to read this letter in its entirety.

I am deeply hurt and betrayed by both of you for the cruel treatment of my mother during her last year in San Diego. How dare you cut people off from relating to her and being with her when she most needed it? People wouldn't even give her a ride to the ER when she needed it. There is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for it. You really thought that was best for everyone's spiritual welfare? How wrong you were. Even Jesus ate with people who were considered unworthy.

I am utterly floored, appalled by your ugly directives against her, and I don't care how much you disagreed with her choices. Those were her choices, my goodness she was a grown woman. Her decision to leave San Diego was the best thing she ever did for herself and I never saw her so FREE and happy and she grew closer to God like never before because people like you weren't in the way of it anymore.

I've read all the emails between you and her that she saved on her email account. That she would have to ASK you about visiting me and her family and then ask whether she "needs" to make it back down to church on Sunday, in which you reply that yes, she should visit but she should come back down for church if she could? She had to "SUBMIT" moving to Laguna Beach shortly after my Dad passed, in which you and XXXXX told her to hold off on making that decision. How furious I am. THAT is hardly a decision worth thinking twice about. You robbed me of the help from her and closeness I could have gotten with her when my son was born. You robbed her of being near family after losing her husband of over 25 years. Of course she could have just done so, but you didn't support her in that, so unfortunately she stay put. She was MISERABLE. No wonder she got cancer.

It sickens me how the church treats grown adults like little children, that you act like mommy and daddy and make them feel like they can't make any decisions without your approval. This is a cult to the highest degree. Marilyn is not God, yet all of you treat her as so. You guys have been corrupted by the thirst for power and using the name of God to do these things. You may use fancy terms like mentorship, designated relationships, etc. but it is extremely unhealthy and that practice in the church has got to end. My mother felt she couldn't make decisions on her own. That is spiritual abuse, dxxn it. All these years of her being involved destroyed that decision-making ability and then some. I'm embarrassed for my Mom when I read her emails to you, pouring out her soul, looking for validation, approval and direction. That is what the church reduced her to. I'm glad she got out when she did, so she could experience life in freedom, if only for a short while.

I firmly believe that part of her illness is from the stress that you guys inflicted upon her. I don't blame you for her death, but it certainly didn't help that you BETRAYED her. You may say you loved Ann, but that "love" was obviously conditional. I realize this wasn't your intention, but should serve to show you the TOXICITY of the way the church is being operated, especially in San Diego.

I just pray that you guys wake up to the cruelty you're involved with, get out of the church and start living life free from Gary and Marilyn. Trust me, you're deceived. I really do hope you guys see what you're doing. You've got to stop messing with people's lives. I am flabbergasted that you would think that "Alienation of Affection" to a member of a church is something Jesus would actually condone. It is EMOTIONAL and SPIRITUAL abuse.

Sierra Sullivan

I haven't heard back from them nor do I expect to. I sent it a couple weeks ago.

Furthermore, as I was going through my mom's things shortly after she passed, I came across a letter that she wrote only a year ago to my Dad (already deceased). It was obviously a letter where she was practicing forgiveness in the spirit. However, there was a heartbreaking paragraph she wrote. I'm sharing this to show just how deeply affected she was by this church. To put this into context, my Dad, during the last month of his life told my Mom not to "blow out" of the church after he died. For the last 10 years of their lives together, my Mom was becoming more and more disconnected from the church but stayed with it because my Dad was very much into it, and as a fellow poster said when I posted this before it got lost on this website, she probably stayed in it to hold the family together. It would have torn us apart if she left. Below she talks about what happened after he died:

"Most people were worried about me, not knowing what I was going to do. I stayed as long as I could. But the more I stayed the more I realized it was not in me anymore. I was done. I should have left sooner. I don't think I could have left without an excuse. In my mind I needed something so I created that cancer. It was what I needed to get out."

Gosh, let that sink in for a moment. That she felt SO incapable of just upping and leaving because she felt like it goes to show how effed up that church is. Controlling, manipulative, unsupportive of others' individual needs/wants.

My mother (and my dad) were both very healthy individuals. I truly believe their greatness was diminished by this church. If there is ANY good that came out of their deaths, it is that I was finally able to see TLW for what it is.

sierradawn wrote:

"My mother felt she couldn't make decisions on her own. That is spiritual abuse, dxxn it. All these years of her being involved destroyed that decision-making ability and then some. I'm embarrassed for my Mom when I read her emails to you, pouring out her soul, looking for validation, approval and direction. That is what the church reduced her to. I'm glad she got out when she did, so she could experience life in freedom, if only for a short while."

Sierradawn's account of her mother's abuse was one of the the most powerful keys to my awakening and saying "enough". Her parents were good people. "I'm embarrassed for my Mom when I read her emails to you, pouring out her soul, looking for validation, approval and direction." I understand this. I was horrified reading Shalom's letters too. I recognized that form of tortured scraping and bowing from my own letters to church leaders. I needed permission to exist at all.

What the hell did they do to us? I think that we had a form of Stockholm syndrome. This is so opposite to my true self. I remember Ann Huisman as a strong woman. I didn't know her well, but enough to be sure that she was entirely capable of making good decisions entirely on her own. This is how we were reduced from personhood into little children begging favors from abusive parents. The Larsons, the Hargraves, JRS, and so many more were tyrants. I hope that my daughter doesn't have to read those letters I wrote to shepherds after I'm gone and be embarrassed. I want her to read what I have written here and be inspired that her mom stood up. This is for Shalom, for Ann, for my daughter. They can send anonymous letters to my husband all they want. I will not stop speaking. They should be afraid because I know a lot.

Reep wrote:
I hope that my daughter doesn't have to read those letters I wrote to shepherds after I'm gone and be embarrassed. I want her to read what I have written here and be inspired that her mom stood up.

Yes

From December of 2020:

Posted by: changedagain
Date: December 22, 2020 01:13AM

I don't think there was any Walk teaching as pernicious as "Christ in the Flesh."
Although theoretically it was referring to the many-membered "Body of Christ," in practice it applied to John Stevens, and later to G & M. Any problem you might have had with these leaders, once communicated, would be twisted by these leaders as a problem with God. Of course, that opened the door for so much latitude in abusing the rank and file...who ended up at the mercy of predatory leaders. The net result was that anyone tightly connected to these leaders pretty much had free reign to do whatever the hell they wanted with other members of the fellowship (i.e. Rick and his enablers), as long as "Mom and Dad" were O.K. with it. On paper, there were many "ministries" who were given responsibility to "shepherd the flock," but everyone knew who really ran the show, and how you would have to act and think if you were going to remain in good standing within the fellowship. The only solution, for those with a moral compass, was to leave. Communication of wrongdoing within this corrupt organization did no good, and simply made the communicator a target of harassment. Most of us here have experienced that.
As Puddington put it:

I’ve recently talked with several current LW members who are encouraged about what is happening at TLWF. They are pointing out to me that Gary is demonstrating total integrity by requesting the 360 degree evaluation letters from congregants.

And then it dawned on me. Everything written in those letters he already knew about. He had to. Knowing how everything is run by G&M, he had to be following the reports about Rick. But by collecting feedback letters, he could play this charade of fake shock and surprise. And then he could issue a public statement like “gosh, we had no idea this was going on”. It is a clever way to cover his butt and create a condition of “plausible deniability”.

Posted by: changedagain
Date: December 22, 2020 01:15AM

note: my intent when I signed in today was simply to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. That didn't work out too well.

Changed, I agree with your assessment of the doctrine of Christ in the Flesh. When I first started attending church in The Walk, I was shocked by how much JRS talked about "submission" and "divine order". These were not talked about much, if at all, in churches I had attended before. He talked a lot about The New Testament Church and church order (read hierarchy), apostles and prophets, pastors and teachers, but not much about Jesus. Then later under Gary Hargrave it became almost a put down to say that someone was seeking a revelation from "God in the sky" as opposed to being obedient to "Christ in the flesh".

Reep,
Then later under Gary Hargrave it became almost a put down to say that someone was seeking a revelation from "God in the sky" as opposed to being obedient to "Christ in the flesh".

At least I missed out on those worship services where people were encouraged/compelled to substitute Marilyn's name for God.
BTW, Marilyn's cousin made it plain that he didn't think too highly of her (understatement):

Posted by: fromsouthchicago
Date: November 19, 2020 11:43PM

I'll probably never have a complete understanding, but I am attempting to get my head around what made them what they were and are.
If you want to know the truth, I called Marilyn "evil" in the flesh. Along with variety of other choice descriptions.

Jesus huddled in a corner?

Posted by: lone.wolf
Date: November 19, 2018 08:22AM
(excerpt)

When I “blew out”, it wasn’t because of disbelief in Gary & Marilyn, JRS, or the Living Word. I actually still believed that I was brought into something wonderful, that they truly loved me and my family, and I was lost for a long time after leaving. My first true moment of disbelief was listening to the word Gary brought just after Marilyn passed away. I was “allowed” to attend Marilyn’s funeral and was instructed to listen to it before the funeral. It’s been a couple years since I’ve heard it, so I’m going to point out the main points that really stuck out to me.

1. Gary saw the Lord huddled in a corner of his home, and he said it was the first time he’d seen him in his physical being. This happened a couple nights before Marilyn’s passing if I remember correctly.

2. He knew the Lord was there for Marilyn, thus he didn’t approach or speak to the Lord.

3. Not once in the word did Gary mention what the Lord physically looked like.

The reason these stuck out to me and really made me question the validity of Gary and TLWF, is the way in which he spoke. His tone was exactly the same as in all his words, and it felt very contrived and planned. What better way for him to continue to lead his people, than to making them believe that he has just seen Christ in the Flesh? Praise Gary, he has seen our Lord! Again, back to his tone. It definitely did not come across as someone who has just seen Christ. It sounded like someone reading a scripture from the bible, and he certainly didn’t fool me. When I saw Gary at the funeral to give my condolences, he told me that “Marilyn always prayed for me, and is continuing to pray for me.” I’m not entirely sure what that means, except that I was told that often by shepherds and elders during my time in the church. And no one actually told me why they were praying for me. Perhaps for me to put the blinders back on and submit to them?

From May 2019:

Posted by: larry bobo
Date: May 16, 2019 02:55AM

At the time of John’s death, the upward flow had already started. As Gary and Marilyn took control of the organization, the level of control and focus on them increased dramatically. There were a few members of the third generation that had referred to John as “Christ in the Flesh”, but to most, he was the “Door Opener Apostle” and Marilyn was "The Lamp of Israel". I believe in most local churches, Marilyn’s name was substituted for God’s in worship songs – while Gary was married to her. Many remember the service where leaders were asked to pledge their allegiance to and spiritually marry Marilyn - quite weird! You can’t have a higher position than to want to be worshiped as God. For Gary to try and distance himself from the hierarchy is ludicrous. He controls everything and yet seems to not want to take responsibility for anything.

Anyone who has ever served on a church corporation knows you served only as a figurehead. Gary and Marilyn made all the decisions. The last corporation I served on in Palmer Lake had in its Bylaws that if there was disagreement among the Board, the Apostolic Fathering Ministry – Gary and Marilyn – had the final say. You were basically on the corporation to do the legwork, but really had no say in anything of significance. The local church leadership reported to Apco weekly, and they in turn reported to Gary and Marilyn. I was removed several times from positions in the church for questioning things that have now come out in the open and everyone can see they needed to be questioned – e.g. the kingdom dawning in 1979, shepherding and designated relationships, false words from God, failed prophesies, and the cover up of sexual relationships between pastors and congregants – including John.

From Oct. 2018:

Posted by: reveal
Date: October 14, 2018

FROMSOUTHCHICAGO, I'm glad you asked about Marilyn's funeral because it's something I have thought of posting about on here for some time. I was there and it was very, very odd. One, we had to pay to attend. No kidding. We were told we had to register if we wanted to attend the funeral, and pay $40 per person to "cover costs". I found this extremely bizarre and supremely tacky. Who charges people to attend a funeral?? Especially considering the Hargraves have a ton of money.

Two, besides Marilyn's immediate family (Rick, Marti, Gary, and granddaughter Kaylin) the leaders/shepherds from all of the churches were a part of the processional and recessional in the church, and then at the graveside they had all of the chairs surrounding the immediate area cordoned off. Only VIP were allowed to sit in the chairs, and they had someone placed at the entrance of this sectioned off area to allow or disallow people to sit in the seats. Even though there were a ton of empty seats, the rest of us minions were given standing room only OUTSIDE of the roped off area. In typical TLWF fashion it was very exclusive. It felt very uncomfortable.

Three, Rick did a "Twenty-One Gun Salute" for Marilyn with fire crackers (you know the ones that just make a loud BOOM), simulating what they do for members of the Military who pass on. I was deeply offended by it, because in my opinion that is reserved only for those who have served in the Armed Forces. It seemed highly inappropriate to me and came off very awkward.

Four, at the reception everyone was completely shitfaced. I have not seen so many people wasted at a church function before. I mean, in LA it's kind of par for the course to see people drunk at functions, but this was just over the top. It was all just very, very strange in every regard.

You asked about Marti. She was kicked out of the church for being gay. Apparently it's okay for Rick to have four extra-marital affairs and exhibit grossly inappropriate behavior towards women and STILL be in leadership, but it's not okay to be gay. A huge double standard.

From January of 2019:

Posted by: changedagain
Date: January 15, 2019 03:56PM

Marci wrote:
Mary - First a huge thank you. I know you are tirelessly working toward every possible thing that can be followed up on. Your persistence is greatly appreciated but please take care of yourself. If there is anything we can do, don't hesitate to ask.

Yes

Note: I've been engaged in a parallel quest for many years now--seeing if I can find anything done by G & M that was ethical. So far nothing has emerged, but I'm not giving up hope. I'm almost finished researching the coffee table, and it isn't looking good. Looks like another letdown :(