Could anybody please give feedback on my situation please.

I have been chanting NMRK since May 2009 in the UK and I got the gohonzon in March 2010. I find the essence of the practice and results from the chanting absolutely fine.

However our local co-ordinator is not supportive it has ruined my enjoyment of the practice over the years it put me off attending meetings the whole of 2011. She relies heavily on lifts even though she is able-bodied and healthy and plenty of funds to learn to drive and is quite capable of learning should she wish. I had given her plenty of lifts over the years that was the only time I got any support when she was in the passenger seat by and large. She is very smug and complacent.

She is not my type I realise that could happen everywhere but like I say it has put me off attendance. On at least two occasions I told her how homesick I felt and she became tetchy and crochety. It is such a long story. I felt cut in two. We lack members in this district to start with.

I have gone back to meetings on a 'fringe basis' with a view to not bumping into her for now - I do need the shared experience with other members - however the SGI is very dominating and it appears she is interested in attending at meetings where I go I am now dreading her showing up and having to pull out of meetings yet again. I won't let myself be dominated but am not sure what to do about this. It totally spoils the experience I do not feel heard or understood or taken care of over the years in this district enough - which was why I thought I would just chant alone - however I would prefer fringe attendance to no attendance.

Please give me some thoughts anybody! Many thanks.

Daishastro,

Have you checked out the SGI thread on this forum? Hundreds of pages of various people's experiences with SGI. I'd recommend actually starting with the last, most recent page, and working backwards.

I was an SGI member and leader for 18 years, and have been out for six. Overally, I would have to say that SGI leaders tend to be domineering and unsupportive. SGI as an organization is extremely wealthy, and yet the organization and leaders try to squeeze every last bit of your money, time and energy out of you. I spent years driving members to various meetings and events -- and if I'd ask for some money for gasoline, and tolls, you'd think I wanted the sun, moon and stars. They had plenty of money for coffee, cigarettes, sodas, candy bars, doughnuts and potato chips -- but a dollar towards gas? No way. I brought my own cleaning supplies for cleaning duty at the Kaikon -- SGI has billions of dollars and they can't afford a bottle of Windex? Please.

You don't feel heard, understood or cared for -- because you're not. SGI and its leaders do not care about you -- they just care about what they can get out of you.

I'd like to add: who ARE these leaders that we feel we have to please or obey them? We're not children and they're not our parents. They are not employers who are paying us a salary that we need to support ourselves. Quite the opposite! They're trying to get money and free labor out of us. They are nobody special. Most are not particularly wise, or knowledgeable about Buddhism....nor psychology, medicine, raising kids, marriage counseling, finances, health, diet and exercise, education, or finding a job --- though that doesn't stop them from trying to give everyone advice about those things.

Odds are, you are much wiser, kinder, and sensible than the leader who is bothering you. She only has as much authority over you as you allow her to have.

I can't, in good conscience, advise anyone to stay in SGI. It's not Buddhist, it's a cult that exploits its members for the benefit of Daisaku Ikeda and his family. However, if you are an adult, it is your choice. If you are determined to stay, just do the parts you like. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If your leaders don't like it, it's their problem, not yours.

"Dominating", "smug", .... you've just described a typical gakkai "leader."

You either (1) stay and be miserable and manipulated, or (2) stay and speak up for yourself and push back, or (3) leave the cult org.. It doesn't sound like you really want the 3rd option yet and you are already doing the first one. I personally took the second option route for a long time, until I decided to get out. Trust me, the first option has a tolerance threshold, however.

Good luck.


- Hitch



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2013 09:22AM by Hitch.

Thank you for the replies so far very reassuring for me!

I have been reading the SGI threads too yes I am aware of these.

I am on the journey of what I call 'fringe attendance' and I am aware that I will not get manipulated yes that is why I stand back. A great deal of my thoughts I keep to myself and so I either chant them out alone at home in front of the gohonzon or write them down in my journal sometimes.

It is also rather worrying that rumour has it that President Ikeda is in a coma and yet the SGI will not open up to this!

The gohonzon is very enabling however as a tool for chanting with maximum benefit.

Any further feedback/views are still appreciated.

Thank you again.

daishastro---we are all human and imperfect, capable of selfish behaviors certainly---Sometimes the SGI message is that by doing the practice, we will become these enlightened uber-compassionate beings, close to perfection.

That is not the case, as you know. People can chant and practice all they want (that goes for any religious faith), but unless they can waken up to their own shortcomings and work with them, it's all for naught.

Unfortunately in SGI sometimes, people get in a mad rush to do the activities, follow the Mentor, etc.etc. and it distracts them from the truth. Happens quite a bit.

You've got support here!

Daishastro, it sounds to me like you simply aren't getting your needs met with this group. It appears that, despite superficial similarities, you don't really have much in common with those people. I realize that it is human nature to cling to what we know, even when it is unsatisfying, even when it is outright harmful, because "we prefer known devils to unknown angels", as one saying goes.

But please remember that the point of Buddhism is to overcome clinging and other manifestations of attachment. Here you are, presented with a group that is dominated by people you DON'T like, and yet you're trying to figure out how you can stay in it, just without those icky people! I ask this with the utmost gentleness and kindness: Why?

Daishastro, how many friends do you have in the SGI? REAL friends, people you call to just chat with about stuff (NOT just SGI stuff), people you go out with, to dinner or a movie or a concert (NOT just SGI meetings!), people you could call if your car broke down and you needed a ride home? How many friends do you have in the SGI who *love* you and who enjoy your company - without wanting you to change in the slightest?

If your answer to the above question is at least one (1), then you've got a reason to stay connected. Sort of. If going to activities together is ONE of the MANY things that you and your friend enjoy doing TOGETHER. Otherwise...I have to repeat the same question I asked above, again with as much sensitivity and concern as you can possibly imagine: Why?

You have people here you probably will never meet face to face, but who accept you as you are and extend a friendly virtual hello. At least you've got US. Think about whether what we offer - as demonstrated thus far on this thread you started - is more, or less, satisfying of your needs than what you've experienced lately in the SGI. Just by way of comparison, of course. Perhaps what you need is something the SGI is incapable of offering - just a thought...

Thank you for the replies!

Taitenandproud you are bang on the money about none of them being real friends bar two of them one is a gay friend the other is a true soulmate male friend. The women in this location NEVER meet up or socialise with each other even if they are single - unless it is a tozo. Like you say they are NOT real friends!

However this part of the UK is cripplingly lacking in social and cultural options so I will continue with my fringe attendance until I relocate in a couple of years time back nearer to London. I would rather not say where this location is ....

I have noticed I do get more karmic protection if I am attached to the group so for now I will persevere however I will not be coerced into doing things!

It is reassuring to realise others have experienced the same thing.

I am quite convinced if my car broke down nobody would help lol.

This part of the country is not at all like the south of England to start with it isn't as friendly or sociable so that is reflected in the culture of the group.

Nice to hear from you, daishastro. Of course YOU are the only one qualified to evaluate your situation, so if remaining connected (to the degree YOU choose) is providing something you need, by all means, continue! At least you have TWO friends there! I remember that some of my closest friends when I was in the SGI were gay men (I'm a woman). You're female, I take it? I've had friends within the SGI, but never long term - something always came up. Either they lived too far away, or...I don't know. It just wasn't happening.

I was reading Gabor Maté's excellent book, "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Encounters With Addiction": Book Review <-- That site has an *excellent* introduction written by the author. You can read portions of it here, if you're interested: Read Excerpts Here!!

Anyhow, one point he made is about "unconditionally positive regard," and how this is the most important factor in healthy and healing human relationships. This is someone who, no matter what you do, likes you and thinks you're *great*. Someone who enjoys your company and who has no desire to change you into someone else. This attitude is unfortunately all too rare here in the US - I can only imagine it's similarly rare across the pond. Don't reveal your location, BTW - maintain your privacy. Don't reveal personal information on-line.

I have 5 people in my life now from whom I receive unconditional positive regard, so I'm extremely fortunate. I hope you'll be able to move closer to London soon - urban areas offer a much greater choice of social options.

Say, since you brought up cheap people wanting to mooch rides, I remember this one incident. I grew up in Switzerland, so I've always had an affinity for things European. Well, one of the members in my district was a Polish woman, so we had a connection, so to speak. We used to drive down to San Diego to go visit the large Asian grocery store there - we took this one elderly lady until she died. So I was going down there with my two kids, and this Polish SGI member asks to ride along. Fine. Well, she drives to my house, parks, and gets in with a Tupperware container. She opens it, and it contained the stinkiest chicken you ever smelled! My small daughter said, "Ew. What's that smeww?" The member explained to me that she hadn't eaten all day and she needed to eat. In *my* car. When she could have eaten in her *OWN* car before getting into MY car. Whatever. So we get back - it's an hour drive each way - and she says she wants to contribute for gas. Again, fine. She pulls out a big handful of *small change* - mostly pennies and nickels! - and explains that her husband just emptied out all his pockets so here ya go O_O I was speechless! It was less than a dollar! So THEN she asks me if I want some pots. By now, there's no doubt in my mind what I'm dealing with, so I ask, "Ceramic or plastic?" She opens her trunk to show me the cheap-ass plastic pots that the plants from the garden shop come from, you know, the black temporary pots that even recycling doesn't want! "No thanks," says I. Damn! Last time I let her ride with me ANYWHERE!

Oh, and did I mention that she was wealthy? Yeah, she and her husband lived in a house worth almost a million dollars, and she made well over $100,000/year! Giving me her husband's small change??? OMG!

Quote
TaitenAndProud
You have people here you probably will never meet face to face, but who accept you as you are and extend a friendly virtual hello. At least you've got US. Think about whether what we offer - as demonstrated thus far on this thread you started - is more, or less, satisfying of your needs than what you've experienced lately in the SGI. Just by way of comparison, of course. Perhaps what you need is something the SGI is incapable of offering - just a thought...

Precisely. This forum first claims to and then actually does offer concrete advice, unlike the org which only says they offer their brand of "practical advice"* (nonsense) while beating you over the head with a hammer.

In case you needed more reasons, think of the times where you were seriously struggling and went for "guidance"* and came out more confused than ever with only the "determination"* to do more for Cousin Rufus. Did you ever felt sorry for yourself if you had a personal crisis? Tough! It's your negativity* that is the real problem, own up to what you only did to yourself in an (imaginary) "previous life"*. Now get on out there and start shakabukuing* young man/woman!

*Pardon the copious amount of cultspeak, but I feel they were helpful here to try to drive the point home to someone who is still in.

If you are in need of more people to talk to maybe try a library or something else in public or even better, if you are still interested in Buddhism, an authentic temple would serve the same purpose as SGI but without having to deal with all that goes along with it. Try to find an activity your you alone or with others. You could invite those 2 friends over for non-SGI activities, just to hang out and even do nothing. People seem to forget you can do nothing but chat (not discuss!) and it's just as much fun. You also don't have to toil away for some abstract idea such as world peace, ironically while not actually doing anything. Now all that is on here so far is what I call practical advice!