Hi.


This is something of a stake in the ground. (I'm brand-new to posting on the boards, so if I've put this in the wrong section, moderators, please point me in the right direction.)


I've been voraciously reading the RR forums for a couple weeks now, after stumbling upon them in researching some sketchy psychological games that had been hitting me hard in my personal life. At this point, the original line of research that brought me here is trivial. Everything else that I've discovered (about myself, and the world I've been living in) via these boards has been so uncomfortably eye-opening, I'm still not quite sure how to feel about it all.


With so much rattling around in my head regarding these topics, I decided it was time for me to step into the conversation. Even if I don't have a concise idea of what I have to say/ask yet.


Some background:


I'm not a current or former member of any cults, but I have spent my life deep in what these boards call the 'cultic milieu'--and I'm so grateful and relieved to finally have a term for this stuff I've been swimming in for so many years.


Primarily, my issue has been a lifelong preoccupation with the SHAM (Self Help/Motivational) sphere, as well as dabbling in New Age thought, 'spirituality', layperson Buddhism, meditation, philosophy, etc. I've always been a huge reader, as well as a child who heavily used books as a form of escapism/dissociation. I also love independent study and the process of self-education. What began as one book on overcoming learning disabilities (innocently given to me as a pre-teen) quickly ballooned into a compulsive appetite for 'personal development' literature, self-help and DIY psychology. I never--not *once*, until I found these boards--questioned this tendency in myself. Having grown up in a dysfunctional family, I figured that I had never had any adults around to teach me this stuff...so I decided would just access the 'experts' via books and fill in the gaps in my knowledge. As someone else on these boards (I can't find the specific link right now) put it so well, I had a "guru-shaped hole" in my life. My therapist, who I'd also been seeing since pre-teenhood, was supportive--and even loaned me a few books.


I never realized what a weight this would create (over years) of all the methods and approaches and 'tips' and tricks that I felt like I needed to "get right" in order to be happy, or live life well. Whether it be something as esoteric as "being in the Now," or challenging as "releasing your anger," or mundane as some fiddly new calendar time-management system, I felt as if I had an entire separate school curriculum I had to study just to be 'okay' at life. I was deeply and seriously committed to this process of self-betterment.


Another major influence in my thinking from age thirteen onwards was the structure of 12-step programs--primarily Alcoholics Anonymous, as well as AlAnon, Codependents Anonymous, and later Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous and Debtors Anonymous. Despite spending years in these programs, working the steps and doing everything 'right', I felt lost and deadened most of the time. The vocabulary, catchphrases and thought-patterns that seemed to be the only thing keeping me and the other people in my meetings afloat were incomprehensible to my friends and family, and I felt like I had to distance myself from them because of my 'diseases'. Coupled with the noise of self-help and New age thought, I feel like the 12-step suggestions of stating myself as diseased, "admitting powerlessness," and "giving myself up to a Higher Power" wore down much of my self-esteem and healthy sense of ego before it really had a chance to develop at all.


Meanwhile, books eventually led to audio programs, and I spent hours listening to motivational programs on my Ipod whenever I could have my earphones in. I included hours of 'subliminals' (even when I was sleeping) and self-hypnosis programs. My primary audio self-help focus was Tony Robbins; when I first started listening to his programs (beginning with Personal Power II) I thought I had found some kind of holy grail for my motivational/depression issues. I felt amazing, had tons of energy, was communicating clearly and positively with the people around me, and was moving forward on the things that had stalled in my life. When I had a less-than-great day, I'd assume it was because I "hadn't done my Hour of Power" that day, or hadn't followed through on one of the habits Robbins recommended I instill. (This was my thinking around all of the other self-help material I used... honestly, looking back on it, the checklist of things I 'needed' to do was out of control.) My Tony Robbins 'high' period lasted about four months, during which time I was so excited by the changes I'd made that I couldn't wait to actually attend one of his 'seminars' in person. (Thankfully, I dodged this LGAT bullet by simply being too broke and in debt to even put it on a credit card.)


Another dodged bullet (thanks to these forums) turned out to be Landmark Education. I had a best friend in high school who attended all levels of the Forum and beyond, and eventually so did his whole family, working their way up to becoming some type of trainers. I'm not sure if they were at the level of being paid or not, but they made a huge impression on me for a number of my formative years. My friend and his family were all extremely charismatic and successful, riding on the manic wave of energy that seems to characterize first-time Landmark attendees, and I was completely swept up. Because of my own difficult home life, they became a sort of surrogate family. I never recognized the way they spoke as LGAT-type vocabulary--all I knew was that their advice seemed to come from a place of intense passion and clarity in their own lives, and I wanted some of that for myself.


They always encouraged me to attend the Forum myself, but since I was never in a financial place to be able to attend, they didn't push too hard. What they *did* do was coach me in the tenets, 'logic' and vocabulary of Landmark on their own. In some ways I feel like this was even more insidious than having attended the Forum itself--much of the Landmarkian stuff I've internalized was gleaned from hours of conversation with a deeply-involved friend during a very impressionable time in my life, as opposed to during a compressed LGAT setting. In all the years since high school, I've always had Landmark on my radar as something I 'will do for real some day'--remembering what clarity and sense of purpose it had given my best friend. I've had a sizable portion of my (meager) savings set aside for years, hoping to someday use it for the Forum.


I am so grateful that I found the RR boards before I did so. I can't imagine what kind of damage actually attending the LGAT would have done to my already-injured sense of self and cognition. Not to mention my bank account.

These boards have turned a lot of my thinking on its head--in a difficult, but good way. I feel like some kind of fog in my thinking has started to be burned away, and I don't fully know how to use my eyes (critical thinking) yet, or how to trust my own judgement.


That's my story, abbreviated. I have lots of questions to follow--many of the frequent/long-time posters on these boards have touched upon so many things I want to ask about or understand better. I'll save those questions for another post. In the meantime, I have a lot of respect for the discourse on these boards, and welcome any feedback or comments.



Thanks for reading.


-- Kestrel.

Kestrel,

You have an interesting post here. I would suggest that you copy and paste it into the Impact Trainings thread, being the most read thread here. This would liven up discussion. If you would like to do that and need some help doing it, I would be happy to do it with your permission. In all of this mind manipulation stuff I find that the best guide is to look at the motives of the promoters. If their motive is to really help people then bless them. If they are just motivated by their own enrichment, beware. The IT thread has a host of experienced LGAT trainees/ Forum contributers, who are well qualtified to give you feedback. Impact is much like Landmark except for Impact being localized to the Salt Lake City area.