I recently ended a relationship with a man who was involved with both Sterling and Landmark. After being broken up for several years, I took him back immediately since I loved him dearly. At first, I saw a lot of benefits of his self discovery work. He was able to discuss his feeling and communicate much better. He had several new friends, whereas he had none when I was seeing him before. Almost immediately, I noticed his schedule was crazy. Between his Men’s meetings, team conference calls (often before 7am), phone calls from his team members, texts and all his other commitments of a career and family, there was little time for us. A few months later, I asked more about what he was doing since he was so vague in describing it to me. When he explained Sterling and Landmark, I immediately checked them out on the internet and his site. I confronted him on the cult aspect; he became angry and extremely defensive. He explained the importance of him bonding with other men and having men in his life to discuss things with so when he became angry, I would never be exposed to this negative side of him. Sterling was to make them Better Men for the Women and Children in their life. He mentioned he didn’t agree with everything and he picks and chooses what to believe in. We agreed that he would work on trimming down his schedule (which he did) and he would never require me or anyone to be involved in either. He mentioned enrollment aspect was one of the things he disliked about these groups.

Several months later, things got a bit strange and small things upset him. I am unsure if this was due to the difference in our beliefs on male/female roles or his low self esteem, which I hear is common for some members of these groups. The odd part is he is extremely handsome, very well educated, and successful. Here are the types of things that upset him; I read his Men’s Health magazine which he thought was odd for a woman, I swore in front of him once, I did not greet him with a smile and tell him that I was glad to see him one evening, I passed gas once in front of him, I sat across the table at breakfast one morning instead of next to him. I was told that needed to embrace my feminine presence and beauty in order to engage and inspire him to draw him closer to me. Once he told me that I didn’t enroll him enough when I was trying to be affectionate (at the time I didn’t even know what he meant by enrolling him. There were several new terms like creating, context, intentionality, completing that we now part of his daily vocabulary.) I was told that I was responsible for the planning in the relationship since women are naturally better at this. I am not sure if that is true or not…. But this was nearly impossible for me since I did not know all the details of his or his family’s busy schedule. I thought it was odd when at a wedding he mentioned several times that he loved the feminine beauty of the 20 something’s dancing or that his men were on standby just in case he needed to be bailed out. After attending a Women’s Leadership Conference, I mentioned the average woman makes 70 cent to a $1 that man makes. He said if money is your context (meaning if money is what is important to you then that matters.) Several times when an issue arose, I was encouraged to do the Forum and eventually the Sterling Women’s Weekend and he said he was offering me a gift. I was repeatedly asked what I did to improve myself while he has been doing all these self improvement programs for the past few years and this is why I was a 40 something year old single woman. I researched both Landmark & Sterling again and raised my concerns that I was not comfortable discussing my feelings in front of a large group and I didn’t like the particular long time frame of these events that wore people down and forced them to open up emotionally. I suggested traditional counseling or therapy instead. He cited people he knew that it helped where years of counseling did not. He even mentioned that he encouraged family members, even children, and his team at work to do the Landmark Forum or Sterling Men’s Weekend. He volunteered to work overnight with Men’s Weekend and said he was proud to help them become better men. Clearly, he was more involved than he originally led me to believe.

Our relationship ended when we were relaxing after a very active day. Since it was past 6pm, I asked if he was hungry. I was told that I ruined the mood and since I am a woman I should have known better, especially since he shut-off the TV that was a sign of his intentions. Later that evening, he asked if I wanted the clicker when I said yes, apparently that was the wrong answer. A few minutes later when I tried to be affectionate, I was told that I failed a test. Men test women all the time and I should have said no to the clicker and said that I wanted to be with him instead. Then I was told that women have 100% of the responsibility for the relationship and I have a problem because I just don’t get that. He told me that I wasn’t what he wanted, I had no clue about male/female relationships, I have a problem with intimacy and this is the reason that I am a 40 something unmarried woman. While that day was one of the most difficult in my life, I have slept better than I have in several months. I do believe that there are benefits in some self improvement programs when done in moderation. But all the rules and unrealistic expectations of male/female roles along with the tremendous time commitment caused many issues and blame that didn’t exist previously in our relationship. I am thankful that I never agreed to do the Forum or Women’s Weekend, I have a general contentment with my life, a close group of friends and family, and your website for showing me that I am not alone and others have encountered similar situations.

mews, first, welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your terrible experience with a Sterling "Man" (more like "Jackass" or "Misogynist").

Here is a a thread on this forum you may wish to read. Many of these posters are active here and can help you:

[forum.culteducation.com]

Here is another disturbing link from this site:

[forum.culteducation.com]

And still another thread from Rick Ross:

[forum.culteducation.com]

And there is this:

[www.culteducation.com]

And then from the threads provided (assuming you don't have the time to explore on your own) there is this direct response from rrmoderator:

"I would not recommend Sterling to anyone under any circumstances at any time.

It is not what any competent ethical doctor would order for anyone, nor is it what any therapist should ethically recommend." (UNQUOTE)



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 03/19/2010 08:44AM by Sparky.

Welcome, mews! I'm very sorry to hear about your broken relationship.

First of all, please break up your paragraphs into much smaller pieces. Just a few lines at a time. It is very difficult to read chunks of text online.

Second, I am a woman and I have subscriptions to GQ and Details. I feel it's important to know what the other side is up to, and guys I date seem to appreciate that. Also, when I have friends over, both men and women, they have some light reading to take to the bathroom. Your ex was being ridiculous. Or more accurately, mind controlled.

The links Sparky gave you are excellent. I'd also suggest renting the old version of the Stepford Wives, just for fun and horror. It'll show you what kind of woman Sterling hopes to achieve.

When you date a person, you date the entire person, negative and positive. Anyone who wants you to see only the "good" side is probably unable to really connect with another person, and that's what these groups want.

Leaders of these groups want to be the central connection in a member's life. The self-improvement and personal growth stuff is a sham, a diversion, "content" as the Anticult would call it, to distract members from what's really going on-- mind control, manipulation and the extraction of money from unsuspecting followers.

If someone outside the group is more important to a member than the group itself, that member and his money will drift away. That's the reason so many groups inculcate beliefs that disrupt real relationships and make them impossible to maintain.

The beliefs cement the member to the group. Anyone who wants to be intimate with a follower eventually has to join the group or leave the follower. As you yourself have, sadly, experienced.

In addition to the excellent links Sparky provided, I'd recommend learning about mind control and thought reform in general. The new words your ex was using reflect something called "Loaded Language" which is very important in the process of creating a cultic relationship.

[www.culteducation.com]

Sparky & Christa,
Thanks some of this links are new to me and I will read more over the weekend. It is interesting.... I recognize several things in common and a few other words like "shift" that I didn't know came from these groups.
Thanks again.