Re: Ex members of John MacArthur's church
Date: February 15, 2022 12:11PM
Im bound by shame. I have no personal truth. My truth is my pain filled life. My mother was a Narcissistic Christian who was a member of Grace Cammunity Church (cult). Raised in this environment of shame, guilt, and depravity. From Christ mommy and me, Awanas, attended there school at age 11 or 12., did the churches Biblical Counseling, and every women’s grace. I was always considered by my family as a troubled youth. A sinner, Iv been called evil, told I would end up in jail, everything I did according to my family was bad. Iv never been in trouble with the law or anything but my family was convinced I was a mess. This environment for me was extremely damaging. I have a older brother and a older sister who both where raised in the church too. The church was a big influence on my mother and her parenting. My mother was the head of the house. In public she pretended she was submissive to my Dad but the reality was she/church was in control. She always attacked anybody who did not agree with her and her church. My Dad would just do her dirty work. He should of protected us kids from her or make her get professional help. The problem was my dad was very passive / detached and not really interested in me and my needs. I was just a annoyance to him. Growing up very confused and riddle with shame at a young age. My future was bleak and I just wanted to get away from my home and the church. By the time I was 9 I started to notice my depression was getting pretty bad. Deep sadness surrounding my family and home. I was looking for a way to escape. I was deeply sad and I didn’t know why. Everybody told me I was the problem and I kinda started to believe it. I had been told I was a sinner. I was born bad. So much energy surrounded me, mostly negativity, slander, loud fights with name calling and even physical abuse. All I could remember thinking is my mom is totally hypocritical. To my understanding Christian people should not act this way. Childhood memories of endless emotional neglect. I began to cope using negative self talk, drugs, risky behavior. it was the way I survived around my narcissistic mother and emotionally distant father. I was taught to love others over myself, self esteem or self love was a sin. I was told over and over I was a sinner and the only way to eternal life was through Jesus. My life was not worth living if I didn’t love Jesus. It just never felt like the truth to me, at least not the total truth.. i felt completely powerless over my environment. When I would compare myself to what was good and bad. I always was the bad one. I was sheltered and controlled for so long I failed to learn to make choices. Good or bad. So come around 13 I totally rebelled. Doing the opposite of all my mothers request, not because it was good or bad but just to piss her off. She thought her way / her church way was ok but I don’t think it was biblical or right at all. All I really needed was unconditional love, and connection to my family no mater if I was a Christian or not. Controlling mother, not knowing how to just love. Never Praised or acknowledgment for anything outside of the Church. Her love seemed to come with strings attached. Submit to government authority/ church , fear the lord, and never question your masters. Whatever wacky trend was going around my moms church she tried on her kids. We had the leather strap, no tv, no Halloween, no music except Christian music and oldies. At a young age I remember having a fear of heaven. I was Super scared to hear I was going to die and go to heaven or hell. Hell didn’t scare me, so why did heaven? Was it possible because my mom would be there? Or was it this idea of death I didn’t understand? I was super young like 4 or 5. I also remember my mom telling me my ranking as a child in the family. Well 1st Comes God/ church , 2nd. Husband, 3rd is kids. It Felt wrong!! Like betrayal. Ya, I felt betrayed my mom failed to teach me real life skills. How to choose? How to trust myself? How to be happy. I never had a safe home . yelling, fighting, multi generational disfunction going on in my family. Every truth was hidden, my voice silenced. Lots of manipulation and emotional abuse was accepted in the name of the church or god. I had to ignore all my real pain and truth. I had too, just to be accepted and loved. My mother was unable to show unconditional support when it came to me finding myself. I struggled to find relationship to my family, I had trouble understanding how a mother could act this way. With no other reality to compare it to I just accepted it. Not realizing all the damage caused and what my future held. No authenticity everything around me was fake. I feel my mom used religion as a justification to judge or control. Like some kind of advocate of Christ. In actuality it just did lots of damage to my child self and carried on into adulthood. I just remember feeling so worthless like my life had no value. I was a constant burden emotionally. with my moms expectations being so wild . Nothing felt genuine or real. I started to distrust my mom and dads ideas and beliefs around age 9. There life value didn’t make sense to me. My mom would describe heaven to me like this wonderful place but all I could think is “if it is anywhere like this home, I don’t want to go”. I just feel like my mom was a really bad spokes women for Christ. On the outside the family looked perfect. Clean, organized, and all put together But on the inside. Holy crap!!! It’s a huge cover up! Like I noticed really young that you have no voice and what U say and feel has no value. Unless your gonna talk about god all day!! Even then, my mom would make sure you where not heard. So at one point in my life I did try all the services at church. Not realizing that the place was a cult. My mom even tried to control my personal spiritual journey with God. If I’m a real Christian I should do xyz. she would always come from a place of judgment and ridicule. Every sin was called out and used to control me.and bring me down. In the name of God of course. This Christmas 2021 I got pretty pissed at my family. My brother who is a admitted child molester wanted to come over for New Years! My daughter lives with me, my mother, father, grandpa. Obviously I don’t want my brother having access to my daughter. So without consulting me he comes over. Like wake the hell up!!! I hate Christmas, and I really don’t give a crap about baby Jesus!!!! Sorry to any real Christians out there. So as you can see my mother has no concern about reality. Let all get together and be fake. The safety of children doesn’t really concern her I guess.