Has anyone thought of discussing the effects of cults on family members? Even when only one family member has involvement with a cult, everyone's lives change, especially children. From spouse/former spouse conflict over the cult, to exposing children to confusing moral and ethical issues, there is a lot to talk about for those of us who must deal with someone in a cult. I see the issue touched upon in other forums, but is there a need for a forum just for this specific issue? I hope that sentence makes sense.

I'm finding it easy to find information, but harder to find advice. And it's really tough for divorced spouses to fight cult involvement because it's such a touchy and complicated issue. I'd give my right hand for some good advice from folks who have "been through it."

Thanks!

For some coping strategies see--

[www.culteducation.com]

The nearest that I've been able to ascertain, is that having a family cult member creates dynamics very similar to that of having an addict (drug, alcohol, etc) in the family. Steven Hassan, a well known cult expert, referred to cult involvement as "a self imposed mental illness."

There is an entire section on this message board that addresses family issues, as well as the link that rickross posted in above msg. Also, each of the various cult-help web sites and organizations have extensive information about family members and family dynamics. A number of books address this - check out any of the suggested reading lists on the cult-help web sites.

Just as having a drug addict or alcoholic in the family, cult involvement fosters an imbalance, codependency, secrets, manipulations, shame, etc. Professional help is useful. IMHO, ultimately the 'addict', cult member, themselves must decide to get well. And everyone else supporting the addiction must unite in the efforts to establish a healthy family. Per my reading, this oftentimes involves an entire resorting of family dynamics and roles. Like any change in life, folks are generally resistant to change, especially if it requires a painful wake-up call.

As with addictions, oftentime the cult member was vulnerable to the cult because of dysfunctional dynamics in the home. Just as someone might turn to anorexia, bulimia, drugs or alcohol to hide from pain, so someone might be vulnerable to cultic manipulations for a sense of unconditional acceptance that they don't feel in their normal life. It is a complex issue. Then there's the codependency of those toleratant of cult involvement, rather than rocking-the-boat and working towards health.

The many books on cult recovery and interventions reference the importance of a cult exit counselor to help -- it's a specialty, just as drug dependency therapy, or sports psychology. The cult exit counselor works with the entire family, not just the cult member, to guide for healthy interactions and resolve hidden agendas and manipulations from others.

Everyone has to be committed to honesty and supporting the cult member to think for her/himself, and express own desires and thoughts w/o repression nor judgement. To find one's OWN thoughts, and express them, can be a petrifying experience for one who's been in a cult. A cult member has fallen out of the habit of doing this, living for external validation. Also, whatever pains were in place prior to joining the cult will now resurface, coupled with a sense of betrayal and 'lost time' from the cult invovlement. Could trigger a breakdown, if not handled well. As corboy wrote elsewhere, to face the cult manipulation and lies, could cause an 'existential horror', and cult members will do anything they can to avoid such a horrifying experience.

Lilly,
I assume you that one of the ex spouses are involved and the other isn't? And that you are not speaking of dealing with a non involved child.

I wish I was able to offer you some cookie cutter mold you could put the situation into. Unfortunately, ( or, fortunately actually) we each bring to this sort of situation a differing perspective to one degree or another. Still, when there are differing family dynamics, that makes the issue all the more complex.

I am aware of the disturbing aspect of not having the support of a spouse when the child has gone off and become involved. In my own case, all worked out beautifully, it was a long haul though with many peaks and valleys.

I have also had several friends who had an x who was involved and had fears of their child becoming as involved as the involved parent. My best advise (when the situation posed no immediate physical threat) was to just be yourself, try not to let the situation change you anymore then any other life changing event you may have to deal with i.e. sickness, disability, divorce, death, etc.

This sounds easier then it is. as any one of those situations cause a good amount of stress on anyone.

For myself, sometimes taking the whole thing out of "cult" context for a time helped in gaining a broader perspective.