I was maniacal. Nighttime vigilance returned; I had no sleep. The buzz in my head returned. I realized I needed help. I sought out a counselor.
The counselor interviewed me, and we started at the beginning, my childhood. I told her everything about my upbringing, the unresolved issues and existing problems with familial relationships. We spent a month going over all my “stuff”. We worked chronologically. When we got to the point where I was 14 years old, I started to have problems remembering my timeline. I agonized over the order of events. I told her about Swartz and his abuse. However there were blank spots in my memory. For example, I remembered him hypnotizing me, drugging me, and “talking me down”, but then I had a blackout. I remembered after that event I had physical pain. I remembered Jessica taking me to the medical clinic and getting the diagnosis “sexual trauma”. I struggled to put together all the pieces.
I contacted Jessica and we talked for a long time. We went over all the details of our time together in the cult. She helped me put together the missing pieces. We talked about how James Swartz (Rama) worked his influence on us, hypnotized us and got us into the cult. We refined the timeline. We discussed his abuse (training us to be in the sex entertainment industry, and the sexual assaults) and went over the details of my visit to the medical clinic, and my diagnosis of sexual trauma. We discussed Marlene and her Kundalini episodes. We remembered guru Rama told us it was Kundalini energy. We remembered her movements got worse, and eventually Rama said she was “going mad”. We remembered he told us people would say we were crazy if we “spilled the beans”. Jessica related that after I left the cult, she also escaped. She cut her wrist and tried to kill herself. Fortunately she received help from professionals. She got deprogrammed and joined the 12 Step program. Jessica fought her way and reclaimed her life. These talks were very helpful, but it also triggered a lot of CPTSD response—panic attacks, no sleep.
My hip and lower back pain returned. The pain in my right hip started to interfere with my running practice, so I went to see a massage therapist. It was difficult to be on the table with a massage therapist—it hurt to be touched. When the therapist discovered my problem needed a more specialized treatment, she referred me to a Visceral Manipulation Therapist (VMT).
I saw the VMT once a week. One day, while on her table, she had her hand pushed deep into my abdomen (this was part of the release work). Suddenly, I started to violently shake. I had a seizure on her table. While driving home I had a huge episode of Dystonia. My spine twisted and spiralled in circles. My body shook as I drove home. When I parked in the garage, my spine froze in an upright position. I couldn’t move—it was painful. I went directly to the bedroom. I had multiple and intense seizures. It went on for hours and hours without stopping. During the seizures, I had flashbacks of Swartz raping me. My memories flooded back in detail. The flashbacks were body memories of being sexually assaulted, and I could see, visually in my mind, all the events of his attacks.
Here is a video of a girl suffering a non-epileptic seizure.
This is exactly what my seizures look like (both when it started and now):
It was January 08, 2014 when these violent seizures started. After I left the cult, I suffered for years with milder movement disorders (Dystonia and shaking). But the seizures that started in 2014 were much more intense, and with it came the flashbacks.
From 2014 to 2016 I could not leave my bedroom. I had 4-5 seizures during the day, and each one lasted 2 hours without abatement. I did not sleep at night. I had seizures all night.
My husband wanted to take me to the hospital, but I begged him not to. I didn’t trust doctors. I couldn’t be touched. I was afraid I would be put into a mental institution or be given prescription drugs.
(...more to come)