Date: February 07, 2018 05:24AM
Hello Everyone. This is my first post. I was hoping my first would be more positive or helpful, but I am in terrible need of guidance now. For legal and brevity sake, I cannot say too much of my experience, so I hope I am not too vague.
I was in a psychotherapy cult. Before then, my marriage of 12+ years had its difficulty, but my husband and I still did wonderfully to treat each other with dignity and respect. When arguing, we hardly raised our voices, never called names, and always did our best to reach reasonable agreements. But, the "therapist" did well to poison all of this. A very long story short, my involvement ended up with our divorce as well as other damaging behavior on my part. He was finally able to come and intervene, but not before years of excruciating pain.
It has been almost a year since I have been home. As some of you may know, my legal pursuit has significantly stifled my recovery. Though I continue to get proper therapy, I still have the typical post-cult trust issues that are finally wearing my husband's patience (and he is a very, very patient man). While working to get me out, he read dozens of books and articles and sought the advice of some of the top professionals in this field. He intervened on his own, and everyone was amazed at the positive outcome (I was in such a bad state when he got me that I could not speak in complete sentences). However, even with all of his understanding, last night we had an argument that crushed my world.
He blamed me for my behavior while in the cult; behavior that would destroy any marriage. I can understand him being hurt, but it was as if all of his cult awareness was completely obliterated from his mind. I feel terrible for what I did, but I thought he understood the idea of bounded choice. Now I feel like no one who hasn't been in one could ever truly understand what it is like.
There may never be just the right thing to say to bring him to understand how helpless I felt during those "choices." If you have something in mind, please share it, but really, I just need to not feel so alone. I need empathy more than answers. I need to know that other people understand what I am going through. The books help me - tremendously - as does my real therapist, but sometimes it feels like these professionals are worlds away. Old friends think a year is plenty of time to be back to "normal" but it feels like I just came home yesterday. Some days, like last night, make me feel like it is all still so raw. I would love to get some guidance and support from anyone who has been through what I have been through, particularly a cult ripping trust from the people you love most.