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. He's revealed his true self, and it shames him: when the going gets tough, he will protect his identity before anything else.

From a scary article. Insightful, but if you're nervous, dont read it too close to bedtime.

[thelastpsychiatrist.com]

An article on people who bump off their families. They do not want an audience for what they perceive as their failure.

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If, as the researchers would agree, these are murders motivated by narcissism, then doing something "altruistic" (including murdering them), doing something for the other, independent of how it would affect himself, would entirely be inconsistent with that mental process. In narcissism there is no action unless there is benefit to identity.

For example, why not just kill himself only? Because it ends the movie as "he was a failure." There's no rebuttal, there's no redemption. That's your identity forever. That doesn't work for him.

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This is going to seem obvious, but: for this reason, if he fails to kill his family, and then feels great remorse, you should not trust him. When he sits before you sobbing, how could I have done this, forgive me! in some bizarre way I thought I was protecting you! I'm so so sorry!-- don't believe it, that's not remorse because there is no guilt. He's revealed his true self, and it shames him: when the going gets tough, he will protect his identity before anything else.

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There is one predictor; but because familial murders are so uncommon the 50% or so that this one does predict isn't going to get you any mileage. And, unfortunately it predicts precisely because, and only if, it is undetected: the man has a secret.

The article describes how financial problems, loss of a job, etc, are precipitants, but what these murderers have in common is that the financial ruin reveals the Ponzi scheme of their life. He didn't just lose his job; he lost his job and he had debts his wife didn't know about. Or that he was really embezzling the money. Or he lost his job as a bartender so he can no longer pretend he's a bar owner. That's why these men don't murder coworkers, whom they may blame or be jealous of; they murder the people they were trying to deceive.

Hence, the prevention of family murders isn't psychotherapy, it's exposing the lie. They murder because they're afraid they are about to be revealed. You can defuse this by getting past the terror of "about to be." The lie closes you in; having it exposed is painful, but it allows for possibilities, hope.

A commentor summed it up:

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"I put that in scare quotes because, obviously, relationships are not competitions, but narcissists see them as such."

This, this so much. I never understood why my ex boyfriend wanted to beat me at everything and put me down with things that had nothing to do with him -- a grade on an exam, visitors to my blog vs visitors to his blog -- I always thought "are you fucking kidding me?"

It all makes more and more sense. And yes, I second leaving. Once you catch on to what he is, don't even give him a reason. Just leave. Your life make sense again.

From John Knapp--an insight about concern when used to puncture our boundaries.



"Help isn't help if it isn't asked for. It's intrusion."


[www.facebook.com]

#Spiritual_Abuse & #cults veterans: Are old group members "concerned" for you? Friday, February 26, 2010 at 10:08pm
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Uninvited "concern" isn't an offer to heal. It's criticism. It's judgment. It's invasion.

Touchy-feely, New Age, spiritual language around "concern": Isn't it just poorly camouflaged passive aggression?

I wonder if a more "enlightened" approach might be for "spiritual group members" to discuss points they disagree with, rather than attempting to outline our character flaws?

Corboy comments:

This fake concern is a very powerful judo move---and I speak as having been on the receiving end of it.

If you react by feeling guilty, or get that tell tale skin crawly feeling, its pretty safe to guess that this is what I call high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) concern--metaphorically, HFCS concern is not actual concern for you--its a sneaky sugared over attempt to puncture your boundary. Its easy to buy into. If you do, it will mess up your inner psychological processes, the way HFCS puts an extra burden on the human liver and increases LDL and triglycerides.

In this article, Mr Knapp LCSW refers to crazy making situations in which we are contacted by persons still in cults or groups we have chosen to leave for own good, and who in voices dripping with fake 'concern' profess to worry about our welfare.

However, those of us arguing with crazy making ex-partners or f-d up bosses may also be on the recieving end of 'I am concerned about you...'

If you want to risk a nice, cathartic fight, there are a few replies ranging from polite to obnoxious:

'How nice." Stop right there. You've tossed the ball back into the 'concerned' one's court.


"I didnt ask you to be concerned about me."

"Who asked you to be concerned about me?" (Very good if they're operating on behalf of an organization that is after your ass)

"You are only concerned about yourself--or your organization.'

"Take care of your own stuff and you'll be way too busy to worry about me."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/10/2010 11:27PM by corboy.