Re: Jack Hickman
Date: January 16, 2011 01:43AM
I am going to tell my story, partly because I need to and partly because, hey, maybe it'll help some of the people still stuck in it.
I am a "youth," to me that means I was a second generation Hick-ite, my parents chose it, but I didn't. I was born into it. If I wanted to be a part of their family, then I had to be a part of "the" family. And as basic psychology somewhat dictates, kids are going to be what their parents tell them, no matter how unhappy they are about it, at least for a little while. But, I never really had a chance to experience anything else. I was born in the 1980's, and my parent's still sent me to Bet El, the private school. That means they heard all the stories and chose not to believe them. That means that you people who came to your senses in the 1982 fallout, who think that things split up then, are terribly wrong. When I recently confronted my father about the article, he told me that he wasn't a part of that (the molestation and the beatings), and that I had to consider the source. We were talking about the mainstream American media, and remember he had always taught me not to believe what they said, so how could I believe that. In case you haven't guessed, my father is a very sick man. He was even trying to re-wire my brain, even now, to disbelieve my own feelings. When that didn't work, He switched to the old intimidation tactics, told me I was always a radicle and that he would disown ME for implying that his behavior was anything less than perfect parenting. Thank my lucky stars (because I don't know who God is anymore) that I'm stronger than that now.
Regardless, I think the school brain washed me. I knew and thought of things about God and religion that no 5 year old comes up with on their own. I was convinced that I had to be perfect or God was going to kill me. I would beat myself up psychologically every Yom Kippur because I was terrified of not being inscribed in the Book of Life, but was also tangling with the feeling, how could I not be inscribed in the book of life? I'm part of this really special blood line (that never made any sense), and if God chose me then why would he kill me? But I was afraid. I was taught to fear everything and everyone. I had more than a healthy fear of God. I would say fear of the family, fear of being found out as being part of the family, fear of my parents (father specifically), and a raging fear of outsiders plagued me throughout my life and dictated most of my decisions.
Perhaps, but only perhaps, the molestation stopped with Lou and Dennis and the others of that time. But the damage was done. Our parents beat us as an accepted form of discipline. It was nothing to be at an event and have someone else's parents slap or spank you to punish you. It was the old "it takes a village" mentality. Parent's didn't bat an eyelash. Too many, too many women I know were raped. One is too much if you ask me, but I know about more than that, and don't know if I can handle hearing more than what I already know. And they weren't raped by the parents of the group, the kids were raping each other. I often ask myself, why would they do that? Why? Because something happened to THEM that shattered their knowledge of right and wrong. Gee... wonder what that was? I can only speculate on that, and have for hours. I don't like the conclusion. Nothing was done about it. Nothing law enforcement anyway. The children never got closure. Ch's and Elders were involved and it was "handled." Just like everything else was handled. And if it wasn't handled then the parents themselves ignored the complaints of the children or the obvious goings on and changes in their children, never once trying to find out why their kids were so despondent. Let me repeat this, the parents IGNORED rape. In some cases, the girls were not believed, BY THEIR OWN PARENTS. For the youth reading this, this happened to people you know, people you love, people you would never suspect. Its sick.
What else can I say? The group tried to turn into loving group of zealots that were overly spiritual. They always perpetuated the idea that the youth were a special form of soul, with a special job to do. They were always preparing us. Always preparing us for a great spiritual battle. There were no guns, that I know of. It was all psycho babble talk. They would come out with some new "thing" we had to do every couple of years. It was the next wave of information. It was the next task. We couldn't be told the whole truth all at once because we had to be ready with the last bit of info in order to acquiesce to the next bunch of spiritual jargon. The whole thing really devolved into following new books that came out and doing what they said because it was the real "Truth." The lost gospels and dead sea scrolls, Jesus and Torah scholars, Kabbalah. There were elements of everything.
But the core people, they never stopped the mind control. I was approached by no less than 4 elders over the years to make sure I was "on the right path." This included trying to get me to un-friend a homosexual male who "came out" within the group. They likened his choice to bestiality and would continually ask me if I thought bestiality was okay. I kept saying, it's not the same thing. You taught us to love each other, and now you're telling me not to love his guy. That's just simply not going to happen. They kept saying, we need to cut off this kind of perversion from the family. We can't allow it to continue. This guy was PETRIFIED of homosexuality, and that it was going to spread through the youth. I'm pretty sure this conversation got me a label somewhere. If he's reading this write now, he knows who he is, flip you. You guys ruined years of that kids life. He's only now starting to be happy with himself and not hating himself for his "choice."
I can go on and on. The abuses never stopped. They are discrete. SERIOUS ABUSES, are still going on. They are covered up by people you think of as "good guys." You can feel bad for them if you want, but they are covering things up. You won't hear about them, because you are not meant to. Only people directly involved hear about these things. They are continuing to "handle" things. They tell people who do these things that they will help them and various people with psychiatric or social work experience start to meet with the wrong doers to help them shed this "wrong" thinking. The victims of these seriously unstable people, I don't know what happens to them. Probably the same thing that happens to the rest of us, they bury their shame. The wonder what is wrong with them. The creepy crawly down the spine increases for them whenever they see the people that become the co-conspirators.
I just want to send a message out there to those who are reading. You may have figured out who I am, and I am not scared anymore. I will not divulge who I am or names of the wrong doers or names of the victims, so don't message me asking if you can't figure it out already. I want my family to finally live in peace, so people who don't know me, I'm not looking to befriend you, sorry. I'm still paranoid about people, remember, I was brain washed by a cult. But I have a support system to help me through this. There are a bunch of youth who have had the wool removed from their eyes, and are starting to really live, for the first time in our lives, free. People still in it will see us as "on the left side." Whoop de-ding. I'm not on any side now, but my own. If you are looking to get out and want someone to talk you, message me. Chances are, I live really close by to some of you, like mygoodname, fallen49r, twoworlds. We can meet for a beer if you want. You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. There is no need to be paranoid anymore. You don't need to live like this.