There is another kind of stalker, often online but also off-line. The "gossip-stalker" is someone who uses casual common interest (both in the same project thread, or in the same church committee, etc) to get into small talk which quickly veers into a bad direction. They increasingly are feeding that information into unofficial back-ground checking schemes run by nonprofit orgs and others who are always looking for volunteers or beneficiaries (so they can apply for more grants)

The first flag for me is always when the questions shift from general ones to details. Why would someone who knows I did not share any town or neighborhood connections with them want to know the details of who my grown children are and where they are? This is also true about general questions about work. Of course we ask people what they do, do they have families, etc in the course of small-talk, but when it is not enough to tell someone you work in retail but they must know which store and how long and what position and how-do-you-manage-on-low-pay, that is a big flag. The "low-pay" assumption is a trick. If you are indeed low-paid, you are invited to apply for "help" but if you defend yourself by revealing that you are well-paid, you are targeted for some other action.

What I do when this happens is slow the conversation down immediately with a very general non-answer, and watch the person for how determined they are to get details. Some people, especially in small towns, actually do not realize how incredibly invasive and rude they are being and when they see me slow down and give an answer like "oh, my daughter does not live here. (stop)" or "oh, I make enough to manage. (stop)" they will back off but occasionally they pursue and that is when the flag goes up. I have recently dealt with one who tried to pursue after I said "you know, you're asking me about things that really aren't anyone's business" and she went to the next level: insinuating I have something to hide because I would not talk about my work.

At this point the gossip-stalker has got you by the short-curlies if you do not slam boundaries down around her (or him), especially if you have to work in some way in that person's vicinity.

I have finally gotten good at delivering a short speech I was taught to use in spite of how over-reactive it may feel: "I told you to stop invading my privacy and now I am giving you a legal warning. Do not ask me about my income, my family, and do not ask anyone else. This is a legal warning."


If you are active in settings where you occasionally face this kind of info-stalker you should actually practice saying this sentence by yourself because it is not easy to just say it quickly when you face a situation, but if you have memorized it you will say it when you need it.

This usually gets a wild reaction which is why it is unpleasant to use and I only use it on someone who has pushed me past the gentle "none of your business" remark. In my state there is a law that once someone knows that any particular form of personal contact is unwelcome they can be considered a stalker, especially if they persist for three incidents of that unwelcome behavior. It does not have to be for sexual motives, it can be just anyone. It does not require any limits on the other person's freedom to be in the same location or interact in any other way, and it is very clear that if you have said the above statement the person cannot claim they thought they were helping you, etc. which is a common ploy of these groups that go looking for victims to help.

Females are supposed to be victims and so these gossip-stalkers (also female in most cases) find every kind of excuse to identify unattached women so they can tell us we are victims in need of whatever meeting they are setting up. Sometimes these crazy activists will actually approach an employer to persuade the employer that I am being exploited! A whole team of these people once did this to me when I had a damm good job as a design expediter and they wanted my art work for their project! They thought it was terrible that an artist was working in a factory!!!! (They did not even know I was the design expediter for the company. They only knew that I sat out in the parking lot at lunch in my old jeans just like everyone else. They did not affect my job but they sure did piss me off! One of them had small-talked me into revealing my "day-job" and that was the result! This is only one of many such stories I can tell from the days I was too close to a certain pseudo-feminist cult.)