Emotionaly-Abusive Grandmother
Posted by: MidnightSoul ()
Date: February 07, 2008 02:05PM

Normally and expectantly, one would think grandmothers to be sweet & caring figures in ones' life. My mother raised me well, in terms of knowing that.....like a good mom would....and common sense would tell you this also. I get sad when I see other grandmothers that are "normal" like that...(how they are supposed to be.)
The sad thing in life is that abusers can take many forms....strangely & as I know, rarely in form of a grandmother.
Thats one of the main reasons why I have lost most trust in general due to my life circumstances specifically regarding this particular issue with her.

Well...I could start here in explaining my situation. One of the initial and early issues w/ her in my life was, when I was at the age of 12 things were not going well for me to begin with in mostly my all-around life...My parents were divorcing, I was suffering severe childhood depression, and allot of other bad things. Unfortunately she did not help any of our situations...(she at the time was in great health & very cognitive in general).
After my mom separated from my dad, my mom & I chose to stay with my grandma until we could get a place for ourselves.
Not to mention, even while things were going wonderfully within & between my parents, and their marriage, and so on... She raised my mother in an abusive manner. Anyway, when my mom and I were there....she would literally go above and beyond in terms of being abusive to us in the worst time in that time-frame. She would pin my mother & I against each other, would be extremely manipulative....and many other inappropriate things until we were literally beat into the ground.
By then we truly were at our worst at that time, and incredibly vulnerably in countless ways, so she proceeded with her actions & exhasberbated our situations....-Not quite helpful in the least.
-My mother growing up w/ her, was extremely mistreated emotionally by her. Whenever my mother displayed emotion in-particular sadness or anger, my grandma would yell at my mom & pretty much would always tell her to "keep it inside"...(Not healthy)
In therapy later on my mom discovered that was one of the main roots/reason behind her self-medication...... So my mom struggled with that through her life- she's currently sober & has been for numerous years- thank God....
-Back to the time when we were living with my grandma.......she was not being nice to my mom and I & it brought up loads of issues with my mom, and naturally didn't help her in her state or mind......put plainly it was one big mess. The result was her ending up in rehab from the devastation, and I was falling apart....and had no other place to stay except with grandma. She was so horrible to me......I got so depressed that I became suicidal, and sadly tried to take my life.
-The sickest thing that she's ever done to me was, after I stabbed myself I went to tell her because it was so painful & I needed medical attention, so she then sent me to my room with a knife hanging out of my stomach.....believe me-this was not for attention....I truly wanted to end my life.....I just didn't know the right way to kill myself successfully.....so, pretty much, I was left for dead there, until a family friend rescued me and took me to the hospital.....come to find out I almost died......
Till this day, I cannot believe she left me for dead like that.......

I could talk everyone's ears off with many other stories about the things she's done in my life.....but this is all I can share for tonight.......... I am sorry if I talked to much.....I have a hard time explaining things..... thankyou for reading.

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Re: Emotionaly-Abusive Grandmother
Posted by: Jeanna ()
Date: February 08, 2008 05:27AM

Hello Midnightsoul,

I'm probably old enough to be your surrogate grandmother. Keep posting. Support groups are wonderful places to find healing. Your grandmother's treatment of you was so horrible it was truly criminal.

I recall teaching a kid in sixth grade who used to come and sit in my classroom after school rather than go home. He knew he was safe there. When he went home his alcoholic father would beat him up. This boy lived with his grandmother who allowed the father to sneak home and stay there even though the court had ruled the boy was not to be in the same house with his father. Grandma didn't give a rip. The child hid in the woods behind the house MANY NIGHTS just so he wouldn't be killed. Then he fell asleep in class.

I reported this to social services, but nothing ever changed.

I like to think this boy, now in his twenties, remembers me as someone who respected him and cared. I hope that will play a role in his potential for a good life.

My own father was emotionally abusive, and I felt so empty for YEARS. Only in the last ten years or so have I begun to realize that I can find decent safe men who are friends and build good relationships with them. I had an uncle who was like a father to me. My husband is also a good and safe person who loves me, but I don't think a spouse or lover can really replace a parent or grandparent. You have to look for FRIENDS to do that. I do know that my husband's love and support have helped me heal and respect myself.

Maybe some of us here can be your substitute parents. My own son is in the hands of an abusive woman he loves. She is destroying him. She has also cut him off from his family including me. This is a strange spot for me to be in considering that we had several kids who wished we were their parents during the years we were raising our two sons.

In my lifetime I have been a "mom" to a lot of young people. So if there is anything I have written here that encourages you - good!!!!

Your friend,

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Re: Emotionaly-Abusive Grandmother
Posted by: MidnightSoul ()
Date: February 11, 2008 05:41AM

Thank-you Jeanna for your kindness & thoughtfulness!.......It means allot to me that someone recognizes the pain that I've been through in my life, & in turn reaches out to me......

Its incredibly hard having somebody in my family- especially a grandmother that is so evil and ill-willed to myself & to the ones I love.

Some other things she did to me was, when I got back from an abusive boarding school, (which I've mentioned in the therapy/clergy abuse section of this forum) I was made to live with her & it was literally like walking into a black-widow spider web.
The reason why I ended up with her again was, my mom was refused to take care of me by grandma....(very controlling) & my dad was very "ohh-well" about everything. My grandma has a way about her that she is very talented when it comes to "controling/manipulating/arranging" people in certain ways that she has them all under her thumb. People reading this may wonder how could one old woman have the power to accomplish such things?.......-Well, my answer to that is this, she has such an extremely antagonistic way about her. The kind of antagonism, and-or control issues that it is what I would call a form of Brainwashing/Bullying from the time her children were born till the present time of their lives.....One interesting thing that I have noticed in my family, is that anytime a child of her's (including me) would attempt to speaking up for themselves/breaking free of the bondage, she would gather all of the other "conformers" under her reign within the family then call what she calls a "family-meeting" and has these people gang up upon the person that try's to have a backbone or some free-will in the whole thing. Believe me its absolutely awful and frightening to be ganged up on in this so-called family....My mom & I are currently the "black-sheeps" of the family because we fight for individually, free-treatment, and decency in general in life and within the family.........My grandma over the years has grown less-powerful in her reign, because some other of my family have begun to see through the threats of fear, manipulation and so on.......Yet there is a few more fragile members that fell through the cracks. Devastatingly, my aunt got into drugs and in truth that was not anyones fault but hers; but I must say that my grandmother (her mother) surely enabled her downfall, & was so nasty and demeaning as a person to her that my aunt was so crushed emotionally & mentally by her, that her addiction was sadly getting the worst of her......later to spiral to death......I miss her with all my heart....& am angry directly at my grandmother. Frighteningly my mother being her sister tended to "fall-down" with her.....I thank God that the worst didn't get the best of my mom......
All of this occurred when I was at the boarding school......... I felt helpless to be there fully for my family members....and when I returned after 4 years of hell and further abuse up north, whoopty-doo.....where did I find myself living with???? Good ol' grandma. When I lived w/ her then, she "tried" to get the best of me again......but I instead fought for my bloody life......I got her at her game.......I chose not to give her the power that she craved at the expense of others........

-(Curently I am 24 years old & am living with my sober mother)

Well, thats all for now.....I'm getting some flashbacks & am having a hard time with writing...thanks for listening...-I'll write some more later. thanks

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Re: Emotionaly-Abusive Grandmother
Posted by: Jeanna ()
Date: February 12, 2008 01:17PM

Hello MidnightSoul,

You wrote:
My mom & I are currently the "black-sheeps" of the family because we fight for individually, free-treatment, and decency in general in life and within the family..

I would turn that around and say you are the WHITE SHEEPS of the family - the strong ones. Your anger is what kept you alive. You sense of fairness is what kept you alive - you and your mom. You might want to rename yourself MiddaySoul or even Sunshine.

Be very careful that you avoid addiction to anything. Go through the pain and anger and depression, but do NOT MEDICATE it. Feel it. You will come out the other side just fine. If you have ever been surfing you know the feeling of having a huge wave roll over you. You think you will drown and the wave tumbles you around, maybe smashing you into the sand. But if you just go with it you will end up safe on the beach, battered but alive.

This is what I have learned to do with anger, pain and depression. Just let it roll, because the chemicals in your body that produce these feelings don't go on forever. In an hour or so they will pass like that wave, and you will still be alive, assuming you don't decide to kill yourself.

Next time you have these feelings time it. See how long it takes for the wave to pass, and then make a note of this to paste on your mirror for the next time the wave hits.

I figured out I am only old enough to be your mother, not your grandmother. Tell your mom she has a great "child."

So what are you doing now? School? Job? Go for it, whatever it is you want. You can get it, because you are tough and smart.


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Re: Emotionaly-Abusive Grandmother
Posted by: rrmoderator ()
Date: February 12, 2008 09:32PM

To whom it may concern:

Let's remember that this board should not be a substitute for professional help from a licensed clinical psychologist or family therapist.

Within each community such services are typically available.

People experiencing residual problems related to abuse and family issues should consider this option.

There are helping professionals available im most communities that are board certified, licensed and accountable for the quality for their services.

A nonprofit community counseling center or social service agency might be a good place to start in an effort to identify such resources where you live.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2008 09:35PM by rrmoderator.

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Re: Emotionaly-Abusive Grandmother
Posted by: Jeanna ()
Date: February 13, 2008 12:45AM

Yes, Moderator, good point and one I failed to make. The "wave" illustration has helped me and was given to me by a professional psychiatrist. What I shared was my experience, but that doesn't mean it applies to others necessarily as we are not all alike.


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Re: Emotionaly-Abusive Grandmother
Posted by: MidnightSoul ()
Date: February 13, 2008 09:44AM

- thankyou, I already am in therepy......and am doing wonderfull with it. thanks kindly for your concern. I just really like & admire this site & enjoy posting here......this site has helped me as well.

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