My apologies for not being clear. I'm trying to find info on personal relationships, i.e. abusive spouses or significant others. Do these relationships have the same mind control issues that cults have? Most info out there pertains to the "victim" being codependent, but I think that by stating that, it stops any further thought or conversation about other issues that might be missed.
Because of the way I was reared, I was completely set up to marry an abusive spouse. In my childhood home, I was not allowed to express or to even have thoughts that were either different from or displeasing to my parents. Even to express a need was met with a back-hand across the mouth from Mother, and to be in any way in variance with her, whether real or in her imagination, was met with a belt which left bloody welts upon my back and buttocks. She was completely devoid of the ability to show genuine affection, and any affection demonstrated, which happened rarely, was with an agenda. We children were also not allowed to have personal property: my dolls were burned while she laughed, my clothes given away without my input, my belongings were abused by her in her many temper tantrums, and my bikes sold upon her whim with her taking the money.
Women from such homes rarely have healthy relationships, expecially because the are rarely healthy when coming out of such homes. While I married a wonderful man, my first husband soon learned that I could not express opinions; rather, they remained pent up. I would smile and go on about my business while inside, I seethed with anger. I also could not express needs until I had gotten to the point at which I was a weeping pile upon the floor, because I needed a certain clothing item. Whenever anyone was nice, I was suspicious and unable to return their affection. I had no appreciation of ownership and did not recognize, understand, or appreciate ownership of anything. The house we bought was never mine: I saw it as his and I was just living there.
After he was killed, I realized, to a point, that I had major deficits as a human being and determined not to marry again until I felt like these things were solved or not to remarry at all. Over the next ten years, remaining single, I worked on them. I did very well, except that in learning to have opinions, I became aggressive instead of assertive. Also negatively, I began to see my personal value in ownership -- in things -- oddly, not in large items but in stuff I bought at used goods stores, because I did not feel worthy of new things. I still have trouble with friendships, not allowing people to get close enough that the relationship may make demands upon me. However, I was so much better than I used to be that I did remarry.
After that, I would sabbotage my husband, everytime he talked of buying a house: I just could not handle it. Three years ago, I finally quit the fight, we bought the house, and I am just now starting to think of it as mine.
Abusive parents seem oblivious to the far-reaching damages of abuse and how they effect the child for life. We live in a continuous fight against those effects, with constant reminders, until we die. While neither husband has been abusive, we tend to marry men who are very narcissistic. My first husband died before this developed into a full-blown problem, and my present husband is working on it. Fortunately for us, he is a Christian and has read the idea in the Bible that a husband will lay down his life for his wife, taking it seriously. If he did not, we would have divorced long ago, because of the narcissistic tendencies that remain. (When a man is working that hard on keeping me happy, a woman can take some of these things, let them go, and move on -- especially when I know my own prevailing imperfections.)