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Witherspoon identifies one litmus test to differentiate between BDSM and abuse: Can you still function as a citizen in everyday life while leading a BDSM lifestyle? When someone loses their financial independence, their ability to communicate with outsiders, or if their BDSM play harms their body as to make them sick or unable to leave the house—these are all cases of abuse.

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Another sign of abusive relationships is isolation from friends and family. Chapman says contact with her son slowly tapered off when he moved in with Master Dylan. Witherspoon says there’s a problem when all the people you know in the BDSM community are people you know through your master. “A sub should have a diverse set of perspectives from friends. If you are uncomfortable being around family or people who are not in the BDSM community, you should still have friends who are not connected to your master. Even in a non-kink abusive relationship, one of the hallmarks is isolation.