Is someone controlling you right now and abusive through a relationship? Were you once in a relationship that became abusive? How did you get out? How did you recognize that the relationship had become abusive and/or destructive? What was your awakening point to that reality?

My former doctor, a naturopatic physician, should get an award for covert manipulation. Not only did he have the advantage of having me tell him what my strengths and weaknesses were, he had "science", a doctoral degree to back him up on things I questioned. My reason for seeing him was cramps and PMS. He eventually diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder as I had been raped many years ago. At my 2nd office visit, he asked me, almost as an aside, if I had heard of Landmark Forum. I had only heard of some controversy and said so. He said another patient got a lot out of it. He didn't mention LF until a full year later, when he was so adamant about me going that he offered to pay the tuition. I was very sick at the time - upper respiratory infection - and he wanted me to go that night to a Tuesday p.m. session. He was very angry when I refused but turned it around on me saying he was arguing for my strengths and that I was arguing for my weaknesses. I ended up going a year after that, in 12/01. I realized with his anger that he had convinced me to try other therapies and that there was no problem because I gave in. But his reasoning was always that I had a control problem, that's why I questioned things. He had even offered MDMA (ecstasy), as a way of releasing buried emotions, but I refused. He left the country saying he would be back in a few weeks and even called me from Europe, playing an incredible charade of being a doctor and a friend. When I called him to let him know how my Landmark went, he wasn't home, but I got his roommate who was surprised to learn I didn't know he had moved to Europe. He called a few days later screaming at me that I'm sick and need help and needed to take responsibility for myself. I'm in therapy now, trying to sort it out. I see where I didn't trust my gut, but was always able to justify his behavior. It's only recently that I realized he did one long Landmark Forum weekend - my cramps and mood swings according to him, were my racket. The rape was an event and my problems in life amounted to my story about the event. When I was still having problems, he gave up and blamed it on my lack of responsibility. What a racket!

I was in a controlling abusive non-denominational church for over 13 years. The pastor is a woman. She has a way of "training" people so that they give their total lives to her (God) for discipling. I even lived with her. I was her protoge'.

She keeps the church so busy that they are too tired to think when they actually have time away from the building. Her philosophy is that the church should provide for every single need from birth to death. There is a day care, school K-12, and bible school. College age kids actually left secular colleges at the "word of the Lord" to work for minimum wage pulling weeds at the parsonage or church.

The pastor has two homes in Lincoln and a luxury Condo in Florida, where she visits many times a year to "hear from God."

I believed this nonsense for 13 years until God sent my now husband of seven years. Because he is smart, knows the Word and would not come "under her harness" we were given the boot.

The pastor actually approved of our marriage and confirmed to me that "he's the one." Then after we married, she was filled with jealousy and drove us out of town.

The healing process has been long (out 5 years now.) But, my life has been made stronger than ever before in the Lord. The first 3 years were a nightmare, literally.

Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing!

I am in a verbally abusive relationship with my brother-in-law. I visit my sister and my neices/nephews often so I ended up spending some time with my sister's husband. At first he was charming, excellent conversationalist, cheery, fun, but that was on the outside. I shared my vacation with him and my sister's family and found him insistant on having his own way. If he didn't get it, he would at first be polite but persuasive. Then he would be insulting (to the point of being a nag) and finally he would become a bully throwing his weight around (and he is a big guy). After a number of go-arounds, I decided to stop having contact with him. There is no way to reason with him, he wins all the arguments by out-talking me. I think that is his problem, he never loses an argument (he could sell a refrigerator to an eskomo). The only thing he knows is a absolute NO and mean it (no changing mind later); anything else he uses to continue the abuse. Unless I stand up for myself, this will be a one-way relationship and he'll continue to have no respect for me.

One of Shlomo's top chasidim was sort of put in charge of me by Shlomo. It seemed that Rabbi Carlebach didn't want to have responsibility for me.
When I was back in Israel in '85, I ran into him in Jerusalem and he hugged me, said a blessing called the "shehecheyanu"
(a blessing thanking God for bringing us to the occasion of being reunited) and then he started to yell at me.
Another time he got PO'd at me because "I was 'breaking his rhythm". The guy is on quite an ego trip.
When I finished University back in '86, I stayed with him for awhile and I trusted him. He asked me how much money I had and then he wanted me to pay $220/month to study in the Yeshiva he was teaching at. I refused.
He said "You mean you wouldn't pay ..." I said no because my instincts told me that I'd never find a job in Israel and once that money ran out I'd be out on the street. I went back to the States.

The most agregious example of manipulation I can think of is tht of my pastor (former)...Before I was married I had ralations with my soon to be husband (gasp) and got pregnant. We were married soon after and it was no big deal to me, as we had planned to get married all along but the pastor would have none of it. I had SINNED before God and the congegation (even though no once else knew about it) and he demanded that I confess publically or else I could not serve in the church, conldn't teach a class or sing or anythng. He would come over to my house and once even made referance to David and Bathsheba and how God killed their first child becasue they had sinned (he said this while I ws pregnant). The pressure went on for monthes and I finally knuckled under and confessed weepingly to my "sin".
And guess what? He still wouldn't let me serve in the church! Because there was always somethng else...I wore pants, I listened to rock music, I went to the theater...all big sins in his book. Unless I lived my life like he wanted me too I could not serve God.
Best thing I ever did was bag that bullshite.

I was a single mother of 3 when I met Doug. He was the only child of a self-proclaimed prophet and minister. He was crazy about me and my children and we about him. We planned to marry. HIs mother was taking over all wedding plans, backery for cake, colors even the date of the wedding. He and I disagreed on how involved she should be. He wanted to adopt my children. She did not want him toget stuck supporting them. We were discussing having our own children. It was Doug's idea that at some point I would stay home and tend to being a wife and mother. His mom convinced him I should remain working so that I could support my kids. There were losts of other issues popping up. It became obvious she was controlling and he was fine with it and felt that I too should submit. I broke it off. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. She decided that since we were broke up she would attend all Dr. appointments with me and be in the delivery room with me and he would not be involved in any of the pregnancy, she would keep him informed. She spoke with an attorney about having papers drawn up for shared parenting and grandparents rights. She decided that my children (ages 15, 14 and 11) were going to have to quit sports and extr curriculars because she did not want her grandchild exposed to the other people that would be at these events because they could be witches out to distroy the baby becasue God had placed an important calling on his life. She desided that teh baby had healing powers and the power to cast out demonds. I was told that the baby had to be with her a lot because God wanted her to raise him in the way he should go because I was not capible of giving him Godly love. She insisted on taking over my baby shower, only to make me shoten the invitation list considerable because she had all ready invited her friends and there would not be enough room for all of my friends too. She put notes in the invitations asking people to bring large gifts early so that they could complete the assembly prior to shower. At the last minute she claimed that God showed her that I had an evil spirit about me and she was instructed by God to cancel the shower. She kept the gifts to be used by the baby when he came to her home. She told me that she and her husband were looking for a larger house so my Baby would have more room there. They were making plans to take my child on vacations with them for 2 weeks at a time. She argued about everything. I am now involved in a court battle with her son over visitation. He can see his son anytime he wants, but I want her time limited and no over nights with her. He has told me that he is trying to get over night and plans to leave the baby with her. He says he still loves me and the chidren and wants to marry me and be with us, but he cannot unless his mom is ok with it. He says it has been told to him that I am not the one for him and this breaks his heart.

Any advice from anyone?

I was a single mother of 3 when I met Doug. He was the only child of a self-proclaimed prophet and minister. He was crazy about me and my children and we about him. We planned to marry. HIs mother was taking over all wedding plans, backery for cake, colors even the date of the wedding. He and I disagreed on how involved she should be. He wanted to adopt my children. She did not want him toget stuck supporting them. We were discussing having our own children. It was Doug's idea that at some point I would stay home and tend to being a wife and mother. His mom convinced him I should remain working so that I could support my kids. There were losts of other issues popping up. It became obvious she was controlling and he was fine with it and felt that I too should submit. I broke it off. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. She decided that since we were broke up she would attend all Dr. appointments with me and be in the delivery room with me and he would not be involved in any of the pregnancy, she would keep him informed. She spoke with an attorney about having papers drawn up for shared parenting and grandparents rights. She decided that my children (ages 15, 14 and 11) were going to have to quit sports and extr curriculars because she did not want her grandchild exposed to the other people that would be at these events because they could be witches out to distroy the baby becasue God had placed an important calling on his life. She desided that teh baby had healing powers and the power to cast out demonds. I was told that the baby had to be with her a lot because God wanted her to raise him in the way he should go because I was not capible of giving him Godly love. She insisted on taking over my baby shower, only to make me shoten the invitation list considerable because she had all ready invited her friends and there would not be enough room for all of my friends too. She put notes in the invitations asking people to bring large gifts early so that they could complete the assembly prior to shower. At the last minute she claimed that God showed her that I had an evil spirit about me and she was instructed by God to cancel the shower. She kept the gifts to be used by the baby when he came to her home. She told me that she and her husband were looking for a larger house so my Baby would have more room there. They were making plans to take my child on vacations with them for 2 weeks at a time. She argued about everything. I am now involved in a court battle with her son over visitation. He can see his son anytime he wants, but I want her time limited and no over nights with her. He has told me that he is trying to get over night and plans to leave the baby with her. He says he still loves me and the chidren and wants to marry me and be with us, but he cannot unless his mom is ok with it. He says it has been told to him that I am not the one for him and this breaks his heart.

Any advice from anyone?

Please don't let someone else control your life. "Bag the bullshit" and get the hell out of that relationship.

Sorry that you had to go thru hell. Freedom is worth the cost. Friendship with evil persons is hazardous to you and your children's health.

There are many helpful sites located on culteducation.com. The wellspring retreat center is another excellent resource.

Cactus

Birds2--I echo Cactus--get out of that relationship now! His mother not only sounds like she's a brick short of a full load, she also strikes me as someone who could possibly harm you or your child.