Where to start?

I’ve been very concerned about my brother-in-law and am afraid he’s gotten himself caught up in a very controlling relationship. His new wife is what I now believe to be a very manipulative person and after reading some articles on this website I believe he may be in a cultic relationship. She has effectively convinced him to cut off certain family members and friends. Some other alarming signs are his recent loss of humor and change in behavior/personality. It’s like he’s becoming a totally different person. He dresses differently and listens to different music. Things he insisted he’d never do, he is now doing. Many people have made comments that he is not himself.

My questions are, how do I help him? Is there anyway? How do I get others to see that he needs help and get them onboard? ……and I’m sure I’ll have more questions later.

I've learned so far that education on the topic is one of the first steps and that using caution is another biggy.

See [www.culteducation.com]

Also see [www.culteducation.com]

Hello,

I looked over the cultish- relationship info here, but it seems female-oriented, which I can understand...

But in my case, my 49-year-old brother ("B") is giving all his money to his g/f of 12 years + ("I") , who leaves the country for broad stretches of time (back to Russia), and won't marry him.

B has terrible self-esteem, always has... He seems to love her former glamor and exoticness (long-ago Russian skater, she's 50+ now)...

Every moment is spent on "I", her projects, her needing class after class; her travel expenses, conferences she needs to attend... she's always "too sick to work", but never too sick to work on her own projects. After living for free in his place for almost 3 years, (which caused his rent to double), he had to give it up...

My brother is nearly always destitute, despite his master's in Poli Sci; and this is not his first love/ sex addiction, just the longest and most eerie...

After using my address to go to community college at local rates, she even sued the school for $750,000 when she tripped in a dance class...

Of course, instead of taking sensible classes to quailfy for new work, my brother ended up wasting years on Russina classes, and classes to convert to Russian Orthodox...

Now she refuses to live with him, and he's left his apt to crash on a friend's couch, and he still pays her bills, saying "I'm supporting two households," like he can't help it, that it's normal....

I refuse to have anythign to do with her, and told B point blank she was a leech. Now I realize it's a cultish relationship...

My other brother (S) won't believe me, he likes to think everything's always fine. But "B" has faltered his whole life, one failed romance or job after another...

Is there anything I can do or say, or just focus on me, and forget abotu what happens to him? B thinks everything's fine, he "loves" her (addicted...)...

Sphinx:

The same basic information applies to males and females, though more women are abused through controlling relationships.

Communication is a big key. Speak to the person you used to know while at the same time realizing that the person has changed. Be honest, assertive, and sensitive. You want to use conversation, communication, and questions to guide not to direct. There are going to be a lot of defensive walls so by guiding instead of directing there can be a chance to avoid some of the dead ends. And of course get other people involved so that the message doesn't get pigeon holed as you just being difficult. You want the things that you are concerned about to be general concerns and not just your concerns. If someone percieves you as being the only one trying to question or speak up then it brings up the question of why. The defensive answer is, for your personal interests. You want your effort to be in and to be perceived as being in his interest. If he thinks it is because of your interests you will be faced with defensiveness. People in abusive relationships have trouble admitting to the realities of their situation. But keep at it and keep your head cool.