Hi,

I was on this board a while ago, having left a cult about a year ago that I was in for almost 6 years. I've gone through different phases and now is coming a new one that I could use some help with.

I am 35, having developed no real career because i was doing menial labor and spending several days a week at the ashram. I am finally moving on with my life, going back to school. I spent the past couple weeks at a professional training program and everyone there was already some kind of professional, a massage therapist or a counselor or a web designer or a teacher, dancer, professional athlete, whatever. They always ask where you are from and what you do.

During the time I spent at the ashram I lived nearby on an organic farm and since then have still been working part-time there (maybe 10-12 hours/week). So when someone asks me what I do I say, I work on an organic farm. How long have you been doing that? 5 or 6 years. I also sometimes say I'm an editor because I used to do that work and really I only do it now once in a blue moon, but it sounds good. But this all feels like a cover story. And I absolutely hate feeling like I'm lying. I am working really hard to always be as honest as I can because it really doesn't feel good to be dishonest. It makes me tired. But when someone asks me, "what do you do, why have you come to this training program?" it would feel like such a scary thing to just say:

"I was in a cult for 6 years and have no career and I'm starting my life over." That would be the honest answer and I don't think they would judge me (I actually told a few people that I spent some social time with, a little about that experience and they didn't treat me any differently, which felt great). But I feel so ashamed to just come out and say that.

So it feels like I'm constructing this big lie to fill the hole of the last 7 years. I need to stop doing it, it is taking way too much energy to try and hide my past out of shame. I need some help getting through this part.

Thanks.
<3

Hi Figlady
I really sympathise with what you are going thru. Im in my late 30s and I joined my cult when I was 18, leaving university part way thru. The cult discouraged any study or career of course. I did various things and had quite a good publishing job for a few years in the early stages then I left that to attend the group HQ more and more and do more recruiting/unpaid work there. I did cleaning jobs and worked in the group restaurant at times. When I left I was confused and thought I should go back to the group and I spent 5 years trying to be accepted back just working whatever jobs I thought best. A career or even a life was not a priority at all. It has only been in the last 5 years or so that I have started to think about what I want and create some kind of life after leaving the cult for the second time. I retrained as a counsellor altho I am not practicing that right now. And on the training course I felt like I had some kind of secret past life in the cult. With it feeling like a secret, I felt ashamed and I also didnt want to tell anyone in case it affected my passing the course. Cults weren't covered on my course at all whilst issues like alcohol/drug abuse, childhood abuse, grief etc all were. When I did try to tell anyone, (also trying to be open and honest) I felt exposed and ashamed. I am now self emplyed in property so I have got some way of describing what I do to new people but it can be confusing as that does not really define me or what I really am about.

One thing I learned that could help you was that its ok to reveal as much as you choose to people. You dont have to say everything to everyone that you have just met. That doesnt mean you are dishonest, just that you have sensible boundaries. Being in a cult is a very personal and painful thing, you dont have to say it outright to everyone, but of course when you feel you can trust someone you would want to share your past with them as well. Not everyone can understand what it even means and in brief encounters or with new people its may not be appropriate to go into it all.

In my cult we had to expose everything about ourselves to our leader - which is a common theme in cults of course so we can still have something of that habit in us. Actually it is healthy to have boundaries and it is ok to choose who you want to say what to. You dont have to have a reason. And its not actually dishonest to say you were an editor or worked on a farm etc becos that was true. Its impossible to describe ourselves in a simple job description in those situations so you are not doing anything wrong. You are going thru a transition phase, having done various jobs and had different experiences and now you are moving into a new stage.

We are just trying to fit in when we are in new situations and describing ourselves to people. I probably change the way I describe what I do depending who i am talking to - thats just natural isnt it? I know ideally I would love to be completely myself whoever I am with but that doesnt mean revealing everything about myself in the first instance. It can feel fragile and vulnerable to talk about being in a cult so it makes sense not to do that unless you feel safe.
It really is ok to say what you are comfortable with and you dont have to tell everyone you were in a cult.

best wishes
pegasus

Hi Pegasus, thank you so much for this reply. I cried when I read it. I wrote a long reply but it got lost so I haven't had time to redo it yet! Just wanted you to know I appreciated your post.
<3

Thanks Figlady, im glad it helped. All the best with everything.
I have sent you a private message

Cheers
Pegasus

OK trying again. Yes I got your personal message, I will respond to that too, thanks!

About discouraging careers - yeah there were several people in the group who had previous careers who became housecleaners (not that this isn't fine work in itself but... they did have other education). It was good for the flexible schedule I suppose. And also being in the group meant living out in the woods with not many work opportunities. Myself because I had some savings from an inheritance, I was encouraged to not work and devote all my time to my spiritual path, to "waking up". I was kind of a wreck in many ways (health wise, emotionally), and the leader (father figure etc.) told me if I were to get a job he would no longer work with me, i should be focusing all my attention on spiritual life. Now I think that might have encouraged further imbalance, especially now that I am back in the "normal world" and feel all this shame about not having any sort of career to speak of.

When I left I also wondered at times if I should go back. Of course, the whole 5.5 years I spent there were like that in a certain way -- I would do something that angered the leader and he would cut me off for a while -- various types of punishments like not being allowed personal contact with him (sometimes for several months at a time), not participating in certain events or classes, you know, basically feeling excluded until I kissed so much ass/"demonstrated my committment"/increased my payments that I could get back into the inner circle. Anyway by the time I left I had already been sort of kicked out and gotten back in several times and was finally ready to give up. Thank god. When things get _really_ bad (like the occasional times I've felt suicidal in the past few months) I still consider it--if I bow down would they take me back and take care of me in exchange for my freedom and money. But I can't. Thankfully I found a good therapist so this isn't really a danger.

It's too bad your counselor training didn't cover cults -- maybe you have to do a postgrad course for that.

Thanks for reminding of the difference between telling everything about myself versus being dishonest, they are not the same thing. YES I also was in the habit of spilling my beans about everything to the group, no secrets. I have major issues with boundaries. Of course there were not many boundaries in the group but there were big boundaries between us and the outside world. Officially we did not do any judgment (yeah right!) but in reality we were making fun of the way everyone else besides us lived their lives. One reason I was scared to leave was because every time anyone left, that person was ripped to shreds, how they didn't want to face their demons, how they ran away from their issues, how their lives were crap now, etc.

Re jobs, yeah it is impossible to describe myself with a job title but it just bugs me, so often now when meeting someone new (especially in a professional training program) the first question is "what do you DO? what is your job/career?" and for me, it's almost nothing and makes me feel like almost nothing. Even though I know that doesn't really define me but.... sure you can understand the feelings of worthlessness I'm going through.

Anyway it is nice to have people to relate to through this.
<3

There is a discussion thread here dealing with this entire subject, including how to cope with job interviews.

[ritualsofdisenchantment.blogspot.com]

Thanks so much corboy, I started reading this and it is so relevant to my experience.

Thanks for all the support.

Ignore people who want to derail you and bring you down.

I'm a cult survivor my self! Read about others' experiences - it really helps. Books like Judith Nelson's "Grace of a Different God' were very helpful to me.

It is against the rules of this message board to engage in self promotion.

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