Hi everyone,

This board was helpful to me when I was leaving a spiritual community about a year ago. But there was a lot I didn't know about myself yet! I am back again to get some more help and hopefully one day I will be able to return the favor. Recap, I was in a controlling spiritual group for about 6 yrs and left last April.

When I left the group I didn't even realize yet that it was a cult. It was only gradually afterward reading several books and recognizing so so many signs that I started to admit this to myself, but not even completely. I think even a part of me doesn't want to call it that for fear of some kind of karmic payback for badtalking them.

Since I left, I did some retreat-hopping, visited some communities and basically almost decided to live in two different spiritual communities that I backed out of because I came to feel it would be another controlling situation and had cult-potential. There was a lot that was really unhealthy about my involvement in the cult but one thing I miss maybe the most is the sense of community, and having intimate relationships. I thought I was so sure I wanted to jump back into another spiritual community again.

Anyway I finally got so stressed out traveling and being uprooted and leading people on and backing out, and the stress was having huge effects on my health, that I came back to the place I was living when I left the group -- which is a beautiful farm in a valley that is 30 minutes from the nearest town. I live in a trailer and don't have any friends here. It was OK when I regularly was involved in a community but now that I am not.. well I am feeling extremely isolated. I have even been reading articles and hearing things about how we are social animals and community is vital for our health and well-being and I feel so scared.

I finally started therapy with someone who helped me recognize I have been doing a spiritual bypass this past year, well actually probably the whole time I was in the group -- trying to do spiritual practices to make my life better or to have some kind of big awakening, and ignoring very basic serious problems with how I function as a human. Also what dynamics were present from very early life which allowed me to be in an abusive situation in the cult for as long as I was. Anyways I am excited about the therapy but it is weird because my therapist is my most intimate relationship right now which feels sad. I thought I did want to live in isolation hermit-style ("going inward, no distractions") but now I am feeling like this is part of my neuroses and being too wound up and emotionally unhealthy and energetically sensitive to live closer to other people. Or maybe masochistically feeling like I deserve to be alone. Does this make any sense?

So after being on a high horse for a while, like, I'm better than everyone else because I'm in this spiritual group seeking God.. and then after I left, well I'm still better than everyone else because even though I left that group I'm still on a path to God, it was just time to find my own path... to finally being reduced to: I'm really just sad and lonely.

I don't even know what my name is because the name I use now was given to me by my old teacher.. and my birth name doesn't feel right.. and choosing a new name seems like a pain...

I wonder if anyone else can relate, having gone through this or going through this or having healed from this. I thought maybe posting here would be a way to reach out to a sort of community. Thanks for being here.

No Name

Hi No Name,
I can relate on so many levels that I don't know where to begin.
I'll go in order.
First you mention feeling nervous about bringing on bad karma if you talk bad about the group. I've been there. All I can say is that freedom of speech and thought are God given rights. Think what you want and if it's the truth and doesn't injure anyone then by all means...say what you want. Please. Thought control and speech control are cult leader tools. Say what you want about those controlling monsters. Call them a cult. Say they hurt you. Hey, that's why all of us are here. We've all been hurt by a cult.
Then you say you miss the ''community'' feeling. Wow. Boy do I understand. The group I left actually called itself ''the community''......
I was in therapy. My therapist became my best friend for a while. I guess it was sad but in a way I think an educated individual who has insight and empathy just naturally makes for best friend material. Once I got married I weened myself away from my therapist. It all worked out great.
I understand leaving that spiritual high. I remember the let down too when I realized I wasn't part of a ''better than'' group and that I was just sad and lonely. It was a good time for me. I was able to re-enter the world of plain old normal humans and it was all great.
My daughter is fighting me for my computer so I have to end here.
About your name, maybe you could do what the singer Prince did. Remember how he called himself....''the artist formerly known as Prince''.
Maybe you could go back to your first name without totally committing by saying'' the individual formerly known as...."
Just an idea,

I can relate to a lot of this too. I left a Japanese Buddhist group, the Soka Gakkai, also known as SGI in 2006, after almost twenty years with it. I didn't consider it a cult at the time either. I saw cults as being like the Moonies, Hare Krishnas, or polygamists --- their members wore distinctive dress, lived and worked on isolated compounds together, and their leaders told them who to marry, what jobs to do, even what to eat. Very few Soka Gakkai members work for the SGI -- members are teachers, lawyers, doctors, plumbers, mechanics, retail clerks, students, wear and eat what they like, buy their own homes, or rent their own apartments. How could this be a cult?

All I knew was that I was tired of the pressure to constantly be doing Soka Gakkai activities, contribute money and conform. In more recent years, the SGI has promoted the notion that you cannot attain enlightenment unless you take the Soka Gakkai president, a Japanese billionaire, as your "mentor." It seemed ridiculous to me even then....and I couldn't discuss it with my fellow members. They just treated me as if I were crazy for even questioning this....and that was the beginning of the end of my time with the Gakkai.

I began reading more on this and similar websites, and finally left in 2006. I was afraid to leave, despite all my reservations about the group. Like many groups, the Soka Gakkai tells its members that their lives will fall apart if they leave. I had also gotten to the point where I spent so much time in Gakkai activities -- almost all of my friends were SGI members.

None of them keep in touch with me since I've left...which makes me realize that they weren't really the friends I thought they were. That hurt, but it's better to face the truth...these people care about SGI, rather than me.

I have wished for another religious group...I haven't found one whose teachings feel right to me, and maybe that's lucky. Do I need to get involved with another group that will manipulate me?

Part of the reason I got involved with SGI so many years ago was that I was desperate for a way to deal with my anxiety....chanting almost an hour a day, (often, more than that) most days did relieve the anxiety. Now, I'm asking myself if I really should -- or want to -- spend that much time chanting. I'm forced now to look at the anxiety and find other solutions.

This site has helped a lot. I post in the SGI thread on "Former Cult Members and Affected Families," and it has been great sharing experiences with other former members. I also like to read about people's experiences in other groups. It's amazing how these groups -- whether they're Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Muslim, or secular -- use a lot of the same tactics to manipulate their members --- for example, telling you that bad things will happen to you if you leave the group!

The Meet Up website also has been helpful. Through it, I've attended meet-ups for a book club and a "freethinkers group." It's interesting to meet people with different ideas -- rather than just the same old tired cliches that you hear at SGI meetings.

It was worth it to leave SGI, despite the difficulties. I simply couldn't accept the way the other members worshipped our president, or how annoyed leaders got if you questioned anything. I was tired of being guilt tripped for not wanting to give all my money and time to this organization. I appreciate that I can have a more honest and free life without SGI's lies.

So, my advice is, hang in there, it gets better. And it may also help to find some other groups --- not necessarily religious or spiritual, just something to get you involved with people...whether it's a quilting group, a book club, gardening club, delivering hot meals to housebound people...anything that forces you to interact with someone.

The M.O. of most cults and "questionable religions" is to separate the member from his/her family from the get-go. I have seen this first-hand from a "christian" group that tried to grab my soul (they failed). The whole thing with them was to separate the new recruit from their familty.

Nuts!

You will find friends here at this forum by the droves! Not all of us have been sucked into cults (thankfully) but all of us here have been "grazed" by them.

One thing all cults seem to do is separate a member from his friends and family. This serves to not only isolate the new cult member but to offer no escape for him/her as well...there is no family, only the cult.

This is complete bullshit. We are here for you. We can help. Your ex-cult (which is un-named and should remain so until you are safe and seciure) has no claim on you now. Please become active here. Sallie and tsukimoto among others can help you to transition. DO NOT WEAKEN AND GO BACK!

We are your friends.

Cults really do a lot of the same things -- whether they are Buddhist, Islamic, Christian, New-Age, Pagan, or even secular psychotherapy cults. Isolating members from friends and family is very common. Sometimes it's very blatant -- members living together in an isolated compound. Other times, it's more subtle. The leaders keep you so busy with group activities -- after awhile most of your friends are group members. They're the only ones you have time to see regularly.

This video "How to Become a Cult Leader," is a good satire, funny but true. (Thanks to Mark Rogow, on www.fraughtwithperil.com, the kempon hokke blog for posting the link.)

mind-control-cults.aspx

Other similarities:

--A charismatic leader who has some special truth that other religious leaders don't.

--The group has some special mission that sets it apart from other relgious groups.

--If you leave the group, your life is going to be a mess.

--Doubts about the group are always signs of weakness, arrogance, lack of faith -- some fault in you, rather than legitimate questions about the group's actions or teachings. If you disagree with anything that the group does or says, you are always wrong.

--You can heal illnesses, anxiety and depression by just being more devoted to the group and its teachings.

--Members are encouraged to reinterpret things that happened to them...to look at their lives before the group as all negative, and to look at their lives in the group as wonderful.

--Members are encouraged to think that anything good that has happened to you since you joined the group is because of the group -- and you should be very grateful to the group!

Read about different groups on this website, and you will see -- it's just so predictable what these groups say and do. It's like the group leaders all took the same course! On the "Cults, Sects and New Religious Movements" board on this website, I've found the threads on Ole Nydahl's Diamond Way Buddhism and Byron Katie, who does these groups to get people to distort their thinking -- she calls it therapy but it's anything but--- interesting. The dynamics are very similar to my old group.

Starting to see just how similar all these groups really are was a turning point for me. When I saw this, I began to see through SGI's manipulations.

Hi everybody,

Thanks so much for all the replies. I will write more soon, I just wanted to say now how nice it is to know I am not alone.

Love to y'all.

Sallie, Thank you so much for relating to me about your therapist being your best friend for a while. He offers such intimate presence with me and I lap it up, and it feels weird that he is my most intimate connection right now when I know I am just one of many patients of his then he goes home to his loving family... But thanks for helping me accept it the way it is and one day if it is healthy therapy, that will change I'm sure.

Tsukimoto, I am relating to how you are remembering things that seem so silly and unbelievable now. When I share certain things about the group with my therapist, I can't even believe I am saying them. To say them out loud to an outsider makes me have to admit just how ridiculous my participation was! Which is sad but maybe a necessary step.. It feels embarrassing.

And yes mostly all my friends were the group -- I even PRIDED myself on not needing a social life outside the group. Like, I was just SO DARN SPIRITUAL that petty social life was unnecessary other than the super deep intimate connections I had with the group. I wrote off so many old friends and minimized familial contact. Now it's picking-up-the-pieces time.... I have thought about going back and apologizing to some old friends for being arrogant and pushing them away... but it's been 6 years so I don't know whether to just let it go and move on.

And YES totally, dealing with my anxiety was a big part of being in a structured spiritual group. At one point I was doing several hours of yoga and meditation a day and if I did less than that I would start falling apart again. Now that I have left I am doing way less personal practice, and it does feel like things are falling apart again because my anxiety has such an effect on my emotions and physical health. But right, forced to look at my anxiety rather than just CONTROL it with hours of spiritual practices... can we say, "SPIRITUAL BYPASS"? (A term I learned recently and am so grateful for whoever coined it!!!)

Sparky, thank you for your encouragement. I am really really grateful that this board exists. It is encouraging how textbook my experience was, since so many others have been through it.

Tsukimoto thanks for that video! While it is really, really funny, it is also alarmingly accurate. Mental breakdown disguised as spiritual awakening.. hm sounds familiar!!


So again, thank you all so very much for being here. I don't feel as alone.
Love,
Figlady

Hello

I wasn't involved in a cult, but I did have a very weird experience with a therapist that had some cultic elements (long story). And in the aftermath I had similar thoughts and feelings to what ex-cult members describe on this board.

I think what you are going through is quite understandable. Time alone to process your thoughts makes sense - in a way, the last thing you need is yet another person influencing your perceptions, right? Unless it's sane, responsible person, but of course that's what you thought the cult people were and look how that turned out. So, you go to the other extreme - no people. I can totally see how that could happen. I withdrew a lot after my experience with the bad therapist.

One thing I've learned about life - sometimes problems sort themselves out. That goes against everything our culture tells us, but it does happen. You're going through an experience, but it's not going to last forever. Keep reaching out in healthy ways that feel right for you, keep moving forward, and you will find yourself in the next phase of your life.

:)

Quote
figlady
Sparky, thank you for your encouragement. I am really really grateful that this board exists. It is encouraging how textbook my experience was, since so many others have been through it.

Tsukimoto thanks for that video! While it is really, really funny, it is also alarmingly accurate. Mental breakdown disguised as spiritual awakening.. hm sounds familiar!!


So again, thank you all so very much for being here. I don't feel as alone.
Love,
Figlady

Figlady, I cannot speak from all of us since I am only one,(just like you), but I am so glad you found this website and that we all can be of help to you! I know in my heart that everyone here is happy you have found your are here as well. There are many avenues of healing at RRI, including Mr. Ross' incredible virtual library of resources to wellness [www.culteducation.com] . You have found a strong core of friends who will not let you down.

Also, see here: [www.culteducation.com]



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2010 11:07AM by Sparky.

This is a good topic. It was difficult to rebuild my life after I left the cult. I left all of my "friends" behind. I needed to rebuild my life and learn how to follow my own mind and thoughts and not live for someone else. I was free, but I had to work through the exit phobia of what would happen to me when I left the cult. I learned it wasn't true after a while. I avoided those that followed others without questioning them. I learned that I could not change what I did in the cult, but I could change what I was doing now to teach others to avoid cults.