The cult made me heartless.
The irony is disgusting. They told me that their interpretation of the Bible was true and that their ways would strengthen my heart. For a few years I was under the delusion that they'd make me complete in body, mind and soul. All they did was shatter my heart and make me heartless. My friends all did a 180 when the church decided I was no longer fit to be amongst their 'blessed ranks'. I'll explain this in greater depth when I finish typing up my testimonial summarizes my entire experience. I fell in love with another member during my time there. Since I wasn't as obedient as the leaders would have liked they plotted to use her to assassinate my character if I refused to submit COMPLETELY to their doctrines. I refused unless they could tell me where in the Bible it said I had to obey them unquestionably so they emotionally and psychologically tortured me for a few months in hopes that I'd buckle under the pressure. I became to messed up to remain useful for them as a result so they threw me out like unholy trash. All the members who were my friends did a total 180 on me. Everyone in the group, including my former friends saw me as: useless, insane, unholy, evil and heathen. Though cult research has uncovered what they truly are and though it has explained their actions I still have a general distrust for others, and it's interfering with my relationships. Every-time a woman asked me to be her boyfriend I'd abruptly cut off all contact from her, every-time I felt that I was falling for one of my female friends I'd abruptly cut off contact from her. Over the years I have done this over three dozen times. The friend I mentioned in an earlier thread was such a case. I never imagined I'd give her the same treatment. All my friend ever shows me is kindness and I tried to cut her off. I tried to make sense of my actions by reading psychological articles. I read an article
about how first experiences affect our reactions to similar experiences afterward. Since the first woman I fell in love with was a pawn for a malevolent cult I have an irrational fear that every woman I have feelings for will do the same. I have come to the conclusion that my cult experience has made me incapable of loving a woman. One of my other friends who also left the group knows why I'm like this, he told me that I should explain my self to the friend I cut off, I did. Luckily she is a kind and forgiving person however our relationship is not the same as it used to be. On top of that I always have fears and anxieties about the sincerity of my friends. A part of me constantly fears that they will betray me like those in the group did. The cult experience has made me incredibly cautious when it comes to choosing friends, the ones I have now are really good friends yet even so unreasonable fear of betrayal keeps creeping in. What do I do?